HS senior, first heartbreak with the only girl I've had serious feelings for

[spring junior]

I'm a male in high school and am experiencing my first heartbreak with the only girl I've ever had real feelings for. It's a very long story to me so I would appreciate if someone who's been through relationship breakups before could give me their input. I just need to let it out somewhere. I'm going to call her Alonna. Alonna's in the same grade as me, and I've known her since sixth grade.From then until right before our sophmore year we were good friends. She's an adorable, gorgeous girl but I always saw her as one of the homies, like we always gave eachother handshakes then when things changed the hugs started. I had a little crush on her bestfriend at the beginning of sophmore year, I can't remember how I met her but I'm pretty sure alonna kinda set me up with her or something like that. Alonna has had her feelings hurt by guys before but sophmore year she fell for me, hard. She is not good at showing emotions, i don't think she likes to talk about her inner feelings. She never told me then that she straight up liked me and wanted me, but we were honestly basically dating. This was like all within the first few months of that school year and things were good. We texted eachother all day, day in day out. She told me she loved me often and I said it back, truthfully. She even mentioned that she prayed for me. She was the first girl I actually enjoyed talking to.

 

I didn't even realize it then but I enjoyed her. Everything about her. I wanted her to be the person I did things with, like I just knew that with her anything would be different than any other girl. I cared about her. Then and still to this day, kissing her, the thought of holding her, being with her, spending time with her, would be completely different than if it was with any other girl I know. I feel all of that muuuuuch much deeper now but back then I knew it was there. I thought she was into me but at the same time i thought I wasn't capable of having a girl like her. I truly wanted her but 90% of what we did was text. We hung out after school sometimes, and it was amazing I loved it but it was usually with other people. Then and today, I just want to be with her when it's just us. Be able to talk, hang out, all of that but it never started to happen. I was confused about what I felt, I wasn't sure if i was feeling what i was supposed to feel for a girl I liked and one day after about 3 or 4 months, it came out and she blew up. She was hurt, thought I just went along with it, lead her on. She felt like I played her. But I didn't do any of that it was all natural to me. We would hang out at lunch too, but we'd hang out with the same crowd so there was always people there. But with the texting, I loved all of it. Every day all day until we fell asleep, It was natural. The conversation was natural. No dull moments we just talked. I remember before she even blew up telling myself that I don't know if I feel what you should feel to like someone, but it was natural and I just knew that if i went with it and we got together, started doing things people do when they're in a relationship like see each other, she would be the one. I knew the feelings would be there. But things blew up, and she was hurt so there was nothing I could do about it. She was very angry, and we didn't talk for a few months. I clearly remember, she sent me a song and said it reminded her of me. I don't remember the song. And from then up until now where it's over, we were on and off.

 

We were back to being friends when we started texting then. We never saw eachother but we texted throughout the summer between sophmore/junior year, into junior year, and around winter time she started it. The cycle. Things were starting to get good between us, the talking every day all day all of it. Never hung out though. She told me she liked me but she didn't like me but it was there. She holds it back, won't admit it but I know it. She supressed it because of how bad I hurt her. But i liked her, I wanted her just like I did before. Then, which was the first time, it was gone. I always can tell, too. It's literally like one day she wakes up and drops it. And I always know right when it happens. So she knew I liked her and it came up, she said she wasn' feeling it anymore. I was hurt, dissapointed, but nothing like now. So it was whatever, we talked here and there we were friends. Now, we're into April of last year, 2016. We're good we're cool, I'm pretty sure by now we were back at the texting all day every day no dull moments. Then, I went to my fathers work place, they were having a family day and the employees brought their families in to see where they work. My dad let me drive a forklift, I was taking little kids up and down on a scissor lift. I was happy as hell cause I want to get into construction, and I was texting aaliyah and telling her all about it. Literally that night or the next night one of those two, we were "talking". Basically we in dated over text again. Keep in mind from sophmore year until now, I've always wanted to see her. Kick it. Hang out. She's the reason we haven't. So anyways for a good week it was there, the same ol Alonna and I loved it. Then one day she acted weird. Then acted weird the next day, just not the same. She dropped it and that was that. So from now until the end of the school year, about june 2016, we were cool again. Friends, buddies, just cool. For the whole summer of last year, we ing dated over text. She would not hang out with me. Just always excuses, bs that I knew damn well was bs but I said whatever and went along with that. So we talked, every day, all day, but the whole time she'd say that she's not sure what she feels, not ready for a relationship, committment issues, whatever. But every day all day we clicked with eachother, over text, and there were no dull moments. In August, 2 days before my birthday, my dad just got his boat running. We took it out to the lake and it was wesome. We almost tipped over, and me being where I was I shifted my weight and got the boat back down, stopping it from tipping over. It's just a little 10 foot fishing boat. Anyways, again with us dating over a damn screen, I was telling her all about it. She said something about "oh so you were just superman today" or something about superman so I was superman for that night. That night, we were "talking". The next day, we were talking about a relationship and I said I wasn't sure about doing that yet. She said we were practically dating anyways and after some talk boom we're "dating. On my birthday it was cool, didn't see me, but we texted all damnd day.

 

The next day, she's weird. Weird all day. The day after that, it's over she ended it. Just wasn't feeling it anymore. Didn't tell me until just recently but she forced it. She wasn't sure if she wanted me or not and I'm pretty sure she had pressure from her friends because they all had been trying to get her to date me but she wouldn't. So that was that. I was hurt, but this was just the beginning of my real heartbreak. So now we're in August, last year. I was pretty hurt that she did that, but that was just the beginning. For a while, I had a " it" attitude. Like whatever we were friends we were cool so screw it. But fast forward to december and we're still cool but she said some stuff. Over text, of course.I asked her if she ever thinks things will go back to how they were. She said she wasn't sure, and I asked her if she misses how we used to be, sophmore year. I asked if she would like for them to, and she said she doesn't really know anymore. she said she thinks if she really wanted things to work out and be like how they were she would let me in but she's scared to get hurt again. The fact that she let me in sophmore year and was like her bestfriend made it worst. Then, now we're into january this year, I at one point told her I wanted a one on one convorsation. She randomly tells me she's in my area, and I went to where she was, we walked, alone, to a park and we talked. This was the first time, we never even got to do that sophmore year, we were alone and able to talk. I saw it in her. The way she was sitting down, had her elbow on the table, head resting on her hand just looking at me, smiling while I was talking.I know it was there. She said it's difficult, and whatever and we talked. She stood up and said she had to get back, and we hugged, and she looked up at me and i looked down at her and I said I was going to give her a kiss on the forehead. I did, and it was nice. Natural. Not weird or awkward. Then I said how about your lips and she looked at me and said okay. I kissed her, for the first time in the over two years this had been going on, and I loved it. We wouldn't have stopped if she didn't. We kissed for maybe 4 or 5 seconds, and she turned her head, putting it back onto my chest. I don't really remember what was said then, nothing awkward or weird, we talked, and she looked up at me and we kissed again, for maybe 4 or 5 seconds. Just typing all of this out and thinking about that moment is driving me crazy. I wanted to kiss her all night, but I ended up walking her back to her friends house she was at, literally 2 minutes walking distance from my house. But I always got excuses. So anyways, that night we were texting and she asked me if I felt anything when we kissed.

 

I'm pretty sure I bs'd around it and got her to go first. She did. She had butterflies. She told me she wasn't sure if it was just in the moment and "kiss me again so i know wassup". The next night, we're texting and she says dude I get butterflies when I think about last night. I was just in love. I loved everything about it I thought she was going to start coming around, making the effort, I had my hopes up more than any of the other times. But, just like every other time, she began acting weird. From then, and still up to right now, I'm just a friend to her. But I could not stop. At first, we kept it cool. We were friends, but my feelings were just all there and I coudln't stop. I wanted her, and she didn't want me. Then, she was just done with all of it she feels nothing now. But i could not stop, I couldn't go more than a week without texting her. But she never texted me first. I was beginning to annoy her, I wouldn't stop. I literally couldn't. That began this probably early february. Like I said, we were cool for a while, then I couldn't stop, and i've just been out of control. For a while, I'd text her something, nothing weird, a casual conversation, and we'd talk. It was cool. Then it would die and she wouldn't text back. I've always noticed that, when she stops feeling it, there are the dull moments. When she's into it the convo can die and she'll start it right back up. SO anyways it'd die, she wouldn't text back, then no more then a week later I'd have to text her something. She always responded. Sometimes, i'd hit her up to talk about feelings. Oh yeah, I got sidetracked.

 

Last year, we talked in april, talked/dated in august, and both happened when I was happy as hell telling her stuff. Involving my dad. I don't see any way those are simply coincidences. When I'm happy, doing I love, she's all there. She likes who I am and I just know it. But she denies it every time. She thinks it was a coincidence. So anyways for a few months, up until now, it was like that. I told her that I want just one conversation, about everything, beginning to end, our sides are different. But she wont give it to me. Shes just done with all of it. If I would've kept it cool when it was cool we would be alright rn but I mentally could not stop. But now, it's over. We've talked and she doesn't agree with any of my feelings. She feels nothing now. She wont admit supressing the feelings. She wont own up to the constantly giving me excuses about hanging out. She doesn't feel the same way she did in december when she said those things. It's gone. And I must be in love because I see it. I see that when I graduate, I'm going to have my fathers 94 f350. I'm going to get a job on a construction assembly line, and I'll be able to do, what I was doing last year, boating is just one but I love all that I love being outdoors, fishing, shooting, dirtbiking, hiking, and I'll be around construction and driving equipment too. And I see it. I know I do. I know that if she tried, if she let me take her fishing which we planned last summer then she dropped, if she just put in the effort, it'd be there. I know it. She doesn't agree though, at all. It's nothing to her anymore and I can not get it out of my head.

 

Man that was alot to write. I still feel like I left things out or that there's more to it, I just needed to do that. I want to do it with her but I can't, and only got one chance to, in the past two years. The time it did happen, she felt something. Then I guess she just convinced herself it was in the moment. And it's eating me alive.

[MissCanuck]

OP, you need to break this into paragraphs or nobody will read it.

[Capricorn3]

OP, is there any way you could make a summary of your story? (with paragraphs). It's impossible to read this massive wall of text.

[spring junior]

It's in paragraphs now, sorry about that