Guy freakouts and Relationships

[Trinity11]

Recently i met a guy who makes me laugh and gave me a lot of attention, going out of his way to spend time with me, do things for me etc. He initiated it, but I was interested so it went from there.

Now i got out of a LTR in December and there is an age gap between us (which he does not seem to care about at all he just sees me for me). We were in the infancy of something, and while he is in the country (hes foreign) I just want to spend time with him as a friend and a lover and just enjoy it.

I dont normally have casual relationships, but i am studying and dont feel I am good relationship material right now, with limited time to give, and also while I am not longer pining over the ex at all...dont feel I want to jump in to anything complicated.

 

Anyway over a week ago, he stopped initating as much, stopped flirting. He was pretty ill with a virus and has been stressing to sort future plans (i think my studying made him think more about his future so he has begun to look into courses) but i still felt things were off. I didnt want to talk about it over the phone or text as he might find it a bit intimidating (and also its just better when you can read each others facial expression). I text occasionally, but gave some space. I know he has things he wants to sort out for his future and so do I, another reason not to have something serious, we are both trying to reach personal goals.

 

I saw him Thurs night and it got the best of me, just said i felt a bit embarrassed, and luckily he is generally as cryptic as I am and knew what I was talking about. He said he didn't mean to seem like he was ignoring me, and that it was something I said which made him back off, he thought something I said in the effect of "we" was moving too fast and seemed like a relationship and started talking about the future. I think it was joking about moving to my country if his visa did not work out, which i was not serious about but i guess thats the problem with text! Im not even sure that was it but something I said was misinterpreted. I said to hold on a minute, we are not there at this point, we are still getting to know each other, I genuinely want a friendship and I just wanted to go on a hike or something.

He then said a few of the typical "I really have feelings for you and am worried i would hurt you" (yikes) and that he does not love himself right now so he doesnt think he is ready to love someone else (and hasnt been in a LTR himself..mind you he has been travelling the past couple of years so no wonder). I said that I believe someone when they say these things (and i do, once someone said they were a effed up individual and they turned out to be the worst relationship to date). He is a pretty anxious person and does worry a lot so maybe not the best BF, hes kinda right. I said he was leaving anyway and would like to enjoy things while he is here, to which he said he may be able to stay a little longer on a new visa (so what?)

 

Under normal circumstances I would run a mile as I would not want to settle. But in this case I am not sure it bothers me although it is a bit confusing as it is not the norm for me and I dont want to be judged for settling settling when this is something Im choosing. I will keep one eye out for the right one still.

 

After the talk which unfort did involve some liquor, I just said that he should have just talked to me instead of distancing himself and said i hoped it was not as scary as he thought to talk (i tried to keep it short and to the point) He said no and was relaxed after this, to the point of flirting again which i brushed aside which of course made him do it more haha. He asked if he could stay that night even just to sleep and I said yes (yeh right i just want to sleep we are an exceptional match in bed, makes up for the ex!).

I asked the next day if he remembered what we talked about and he said some, but i didnt push it because immediately aftter he got news of the attack in Sweden and then was trying to get in contact with family.

He text me later that morning and our texting time was back to normal although I did not say much, just replied to text, asked if family was ok, just general.

 

What I am hoping is he will still want to build a friendship and hang out, as I genuinely love hanging out, we have a great time laughing together and up until his freakout he invested a lot of his time and energy into me, I do love the flirting and attention. We also have mutual friends who we hang with so I dont want any awkwardness. I dont want him to feel like I am trying to pressure him into anything on my time (which scared him). I just wanted things to go along naturally and for him to feel comfortable again.

 

Ive never really been in a position where I wanted something less than a relationship (except the odd disco pash on the dancefloor), although i have dated people who were leaving to go somewhere before and still find it rewarding. I believe you learn something from everyone you spend time with, and when you part because of location, its not as difficult than some other reasons.

However I am fairly conservative usually so I do sometimes wonder whether Im selling myself short or not behaving in a way that will keep him interested, which I dont really want him to loose interest as its been a lot of fun! Any one who is good at casual relationships have any advice?

Im probably going to get ripped apart here, and some of this is just getting my thoughts out...but not sure what I should do.

[rosephase]

Um... well... it sounds like you are pretty into him. Letting old standards fly in the wind:

"Under normal circumstances I would run a mile as I would not want to settle."

 

So my guess? He is telling you the truth. He can see how into him you are and has nothing to offer you. Casual relationships only work when both folks are casual. It sounds like you want more. Even if you aren't admitting it to yourself, he sees it and doesn't want to hurt you.

 

People often "joke" about things they want or are scared of.

 

Check in with yourself. Check in hard. Because you are aiming to get your heart ripped out. Not that it helps you resist someone you are into. Hearts are silly after all.

[Andrina]

by Anna Hodgekiss

WHY LOVE HURTS

A key hormone released during sex is oxytocin, also known as the ‘cuddle hormone’. This lowers our defences and makes us trust people more, says Dr Arun Ghosh, a GP specialising in sexual health at the Spire Liverpool Hospital.

 

t’s also the key to bonding, as it increases levels of empathy. Women produce more of this hormone, although it’s not clear why, and this means they are more likely to let their guard down and fall in love with a man after sex.

 

However, the problem is that the body can’t distinguish whether the person we’re with is a casual fling or marriage material — oxytocin is released either way. So while it might help you bond with the love of your life, it’s also the reason you may feel so miserable when a short-term relationship ends.

 

Men, on the other hand, instead of getting a surge of bonding hormone receive a surge of simple pleasure.

 

‘The problem is that when a man has an orgasm, the main hormone released is dopamine — the pleasure hormone. And this surge can be addictive,’ says Dr Ghosh.

That’s why so many more men tend to suffer from sex addiction.

[SherrySher]

I think you are fooling yourself into believing that he will eventually give you more. He has been honest with you, that this is not going to go anywhere, I think you need to believe him.

[Trinity11]

Mmm not sure I said this clearly. I dont want anything more, I just want something simple for a change, to spend some time with someone who is liberal and respectful and whom I have fun with. In his culture this is a thing. I just got out of a LTR. It would be nice to have regular FWB, which is unusual because I am not normally out of a relationship, because i dont normally meet people I like enough. I have had 3 long term relationships ever, 34. The longest was 1.5 years so not too long by some standards. I just dont have much experience in casual so am curious.

We have been together twice but he has stayed over a few times. I definitely am not in love with the guy, I do not know him well enough and where we are at in our lives (age, country, studying, career goals) is not a good basis for a relationship, I simply dont have the stability/time for one at this time. I don't really know what more he could offer when he is also unstble with his future, I dont consider him good bf materials for a number of reasons (age also has to do with it as he is quite a bit younger) and he will be leaving the country at some point. I still have my tinder and whatnot set up and am still looking for something closer to my age/on the same page for a relationship and would not move fast in this case.

The thing I said to him was not something I ever even thought about, just banter which is normal for us. He just misinterpreted it, I didnt even know what was going on with him. But perhaps youre right, he assumed I do want more. He was thinking way into the future and I just wanted to go play darts or hike or get naked...So I guess, the simple thing has become complicated which is annoying.

 

I will take what you have all said into consideration however ;-)

[catfeeder]

Mmm not sure I said this clearly. I dont want anything more, I just want something simple for a change,

 

Yes, you keep reaching for the word 'simple' despite the complexity of your narration.

 

If this is really all that simple, what's the problem? Just plow forward and don't make any more 'we' noises or use any future references.

 

If the guy backs off, let him. You've already clarified where you intend to stand, so if the guy pulls away despite that, it would make no sense to over-clarify when the answer may just be that this is SO casual for him, he starts to see someone else.

 

That's how simple simple can be: you don't need to jump through any hoops to navigate it, and you don't need to convince the guy of anything. It can just go 'poOf!' at any time.

 

You don't need to answer here, but is that really what you want for yourself?

[Trinity11]

You are totally right catfeeder, thank you

[Wiseman2]

It sounds like he wants to keep it light and fluffy and no future talk, even in jest.

I just want to spend time with him as a friend and a lover and just enjoy it.

[Trinity11]

It sounds like he wants to keep it light and fluffy and no future talk, even in jest.

 

Hahah he was the one that brought up the future, he had thought hard about it apparently i was happy in the present just joking and hanging and banter and such unaware he started all these thoughts. I havent messaged him, im a bit disappointed the fun took a sudden pause but thats about it. I have other distractions right now, exams coming up, exes popping out of the woodwork to haunt me...

 

Never mind i guess its game over. I come on here to hear what i dont want to hear i guess. But it is great to have outside perspective and I often take heed. Actually. Pretty much always! It has helped me a couple of times.