Colleenpaula Posted April 8, 2017 Share Posted April 8, 2017 I don't know what else to do so I am going to post my story with hopes of some insight. We are 48 and 45 I met my love 3.5 years ago. It was instant love. We moved in together and really really had a great relationship. About 2 years ago I accused of a crime I didn't commit and basically lost myself. The crime was not violent or drugs or anything. I decided to not fight because I didn't want to put my family through any long drawn out court stuff. Plus we could not afford it. So I plead guilty. Last April I was sentenced to the county jail for 24 months with work release and childcare. So basically I was out about 14 hours a day 6 days a week. We managed and he kept loving me and took really good care of me. Of course I was not my normal self but I was managing. After 8 months I got to come home with an ankle bracelet on. I work full time and am able to go many places. However I still had a lot of self pity and really didn't pull my end of the bargain. Sure I told him every day I loved him and we spent all our time together. Well last weekend after prom dress shopping for my daughter he told me he wanted to break up. We live together and we were engaged. I acknowledge I need to quit feeling sorry for myself and I apologized for all of this, he keeps saying he doesn't know if we can try again. He said he has been trying, I wish he would have told me so I could have tried more and got back to life. It has been a long emotional week, I have lost so much and now this. What can I do to prove I got my together and love him so sos much? He is my true love, I waited my whole life for him. We have a life, a home, our kids love each other. Help please. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dahl Posted April 8, 2017 Share Posted April 8, 2017 I'm sorry that you're going through such a tumultuous time. Are you in therapy and/or would marriage counseling be a possibility? Perhaps if you could secure some professional information/intervention to demonstrate that you not only take his concerns to heart, but are proactively ready and willing to address the matter(s) with a plan for change, he may feel more confident that brighter days are indeed ahead. If cost is an issue, there are often many options that are available at nominal to no charge. I wish you luck! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melancholy123 Posted April 8, 2017 Share Posted April 8, 2017 I think some counselling would help you a lo as you've been to hell and back recently. Even if not in jail 24/7 it would have had a negative effect on you and your family. If your bf would go with you that'd be great but if not, go for yourself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Colleenpaula Posted April 9, 2017 Author Share Posted April 9, 2017 I am hoping to get to counseling soon.. I just feel like I have lost everything. My longtime job, friends, family, freedom and now this. I can't do a no contact with him, we live together and I am trying to get him to open up. I never considered what this has done to him. We sleep in the same bed, but the wall is up and he is cold. I feel awful for everything he has been through and I didn't see it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jennylove Posted April 9, 2017 Share Posted April 9, 2017 I feel really bad for you. you've hit rock bottom, but damn you are a strong person. Please realize if you can get thru those other obstacles thrown at you, you'll get thru this breakup. Just another link in your chain. The page is turning, it sounds like a new chapter is on the other side. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Colleenpaula Posted April 9, 2017 Author Share Posted April 9, 2017 Just so much love. It is crazy and I know a lot of people say the same thing, true love, soulmates. We are so close to getting some sense of normal.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jennylove Posted April 9, 2017 Share Posted April 9, 2017 Uggh, I'm sorry this is happening to you. See if he's willing to go into counseling with you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Colleenpaula Posted April 9, 2017 Author Share Posted April 9, 2017 He is gone to his parents this weekend, it was already planned, I have left him alone...hoping he is thinking about all the good things in our life. I asked for another chance many times this past week and he just keeps says he just doesn't know. I hope to have our home clean and tidy and stuff ready for the week when he returns tomorrow. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChellyV Posted April 9, 2017 Share Posted April 9, 2017 Colleenpaula, I lived the same way you are right now, for 4 years! Same bed, no sex, but remained cordial. It was mostly because everyday I hoped that everything will get better or today is the day he will realize he loves me again. Then one day I just woke up feeling this is not the way I want my life to be. I have so much to offer and am still relatively young. I simply released the hope and started to live a single life. It is not fair that we hold them when in fact, they will be happier elsewhere. I am sure if the roles reversed, we would want them to let us go too. In the meantime, heal yourself and focus on the future and not the past and what might have been's. You have already lost a lot, we already know that, but to keep looking back will not do you any good for now, but keep that regret and blame sinking in. Make new friends, go to a church where you can explore friendships that will not judge, if you can afford it, move out, if not then reinvent the situation by making the most out of it. Heal yourself and move on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jennylove Posted April 9, 2017 Share Posted April 9, 2017 Don't view it as an "end", view it as a NEW BEGINNING. He was brought into your life for a reason, but now it's time to part ways. Accept it, the only constant in life is change. Keep moving forward, you got this! Listen, I once had a conversation with a 40 yo lady who was wheelchair bound for life after having a stroke at age 39. She said she used to get all emotional and upset over men/relationships/ex. But now? None of it matters and she now realizes it never did. She inspired me to be thankful for my life, my ability to walk and dress and feed myself. The men who don t want me? That's fine! Im fine living my life without someone who doesn't value me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catfeeder Posted April 9, 2017 Share Posted April 9, 2017 He is gone to his parents this weekend, it was already planned, I have left him alone...hoping he is thinking about all the good things in our life. I asked for another chance many times this past week and he just keeps says he just doesn't know. I hope to have our home clean and tidy and stuff ready for the week when he returns tomorrow. I'd stop asking him for another chance. You've done that already, so he knows where you stand. I'd do the opposite of smother, I'd tell him that he has one week to decide on two options. He can pick a marriage therapist for counseling with me and be 'all in' to repairing our marriage and family life, or he can pack and go to his parents to live and be 'all out' to learn whether he prefers life on his own. Either way, I've taken his wakeup call to heart, but I'm not living in limbo. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wiseman2 Posted April 9, 2017 Share Posted April 9, 2017 Unfortunately it sounds like he couldn't adjust to all the changes. Get counselling through whatever programs are available to you. Life after jail changes people and the world goes on and the people on the outside change. Watch : The Shawshank Redemption Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Colleenpaula Posted April 12, 2017 Author Share Posted April 12, 2017 Since we still live together we called a truce and I have backed off talking about our relationship for the time being. He has been sleeping in the spare bedroom. We have small conversations at home, but nothing to write home about. He told me on Sunday that he does not want to try, in his mind it is over. So I am giving him space to breathe. Does anyone here follow astrology? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catfeeder Posted April 13, 2017 Share Posted April 13, 2017 Since we still live together we called a truce and I have backed off talking about our relationship for the time being. He has been sleeping in the spare bedroom. We have small conversations at home, but nothing to write home about. He told me on Sunday that he does not want to try, in his mind it is over. So I am giving him space to breathe. Does anyone here follow astrology? I'd give him plenty of space to breathe--while he packs. I wouldn't allow him to stay there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Colleenpaula Posted April 13, 2017 Author Share Posted April 13, 2017 he is actually doing me a favor by staying in our home. I could not afford it on my own. I have to pay a ton to be on the ankle bracelet and be home for my daughter. If he does leave it will add another huge issue for me. Last night we had a small conversation about work, etc. and watched TV for a bit with our dogs. It still feels like he has a very large wall up, but I am trying to show him I am not just sulking around the house. I am working hard and keeping myself and our home together. I have a huge urg to talk to him about things tonight, but I am going to refrain because I know he needs his time to think. It is not easy right now, but I am holding it together. I just want him to realize that even though I may be a bit flawed, I am still me, the person who has always been here for him, and boy do I still love him. I wish more than anything he would consider counseling with me. But I am not going to force it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abitbroken Posted April 13, 2017 Share Posted April 13, 2017 The separation may have been tough on the relationship, but i think for me, if i were in his shoes, the fact that you didn't fight at all - even entering a not guilty plea to have a chance to prove reasonable doubt would make me doubt my gf/bf was truly innocent. No innocent person would ever do that. They would risk pleading not guilty and losing instead of admitting guilt unless they were protecting their child or elderly parent who was actually the culprit. If you cannot afford it, there are public defenders. He may not say, but there could be something in that where his trust was broken. or life will be more difficult for you as a couple to move where you want or pick up and do what you want. At any rate, i would seek personal counseling for yourself to sort anything through and do whatever you can to get back on track in rebuilding your life. Maybe even when you can volunteer to help out girls so they don't end on the path that you did. I don't know the circumstances but if you were convicted because you were associating with the wrong people and were the fall woman, you can help them make better choices. Also, since you have been out of jail - are you phyisically caring for yourself - dental and doctor visits, eating healthy. taking care of your hair and face (don't have to be plastered with makeup or dyed to the hilt or anything expensive, but are you brushing your hair, and keeping yourself up that shows you are taking pride). I know when one gets knocked down, its easy to neglect. depending how long you were there, maybe there have been some changes, etc. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Colleenpaula Posted April 13, 2017 Author Share Posted April 13, 2017 You are right you don't know the circumstances. I did not commit the crime, it was a theft charge. He knows I didn't commit it, he would have known. We were in agreement when I took the plea deal. My daughter is in high school and I just could not risk putting her through more. We live in a small town and I just wanted to get it all over with. But I do understand what you are saying. If I could back and do it again I certainly would. I was there for 8 months, but out on work release 14 hours a day. I was able to spend 12 hours a day at home on the weekends. I also met a young lady while I was there that needed some help in life. We took her in and helped her and now she is off drugs, works full time and has her own place. I work full time and keep myself up. I have been home for over 4 months. But I think you are right I need to have the conversation with him about how this has affected him. We just need to have open and honest talks and I guess whatever God has in store for me I will embrace. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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