New house, new life, but I can't stop crying

[lorenday]

It's 6 months since the split, we were together 18 yrs and had 2 kids, but he was an alcoholic and drug addict and I was very unhappy and unsettled, he wouldn't marry me, his name wasn't on any bills, he earned little money and didn't participate in the family much.The last 6 months have been a blessed relief from his presence, from the tension and anger and rows and rage. Our home is a nicer place to be since he left and the kids are much happier. I've just bought a house with help from my parents, something he would never agree to or earn enough for, and I couldn't wait to start fresh with the kids. Yet since I signed for it s couple days ago all I do is cry. I feel sick to my stomach and I find myself wishing he was here to do this with me, I feel alone for the first time. It's as if I'm only just realising that it's over. I can't feel happy at the new house as it has work to do there and I have to leave our old rental, pull down his sheds and clear his garden and it grieves me. I'm angry and terrified that I'm feeling this way suddenly at what should be a happy time. There's no way we could go back and I was desperately unhappy so why am I constantly thinking if him now? It's like I'm sabotaging my first chance at a good life for me and the kids and I hate myself for suddenly missing him

[Matt3939]

I'm sorry you are going thru this. You will be better off. Congratulations on the new place. I to bought a place and as I renovate. It's not easy cause I wish I was doing this with somone. Though it's mine. Just keep going fwd. At least a new place can take up a lot of idle time. Good luck

[animaldvm]

It is natural to go through this. He was in your life for a long time, and of course you wish he was a better person to you and wouldn't have made you go through such rough times with him. But you deserve better. You have to remember that he wasn't even half the man you wished he would be. Based on how you have described him, you are better off alone than with him. Find strength in yourself and get yourself out there and dating new guys. It will take time, but a good person for you will eventually turn up.

[melancholy123]

You are better off without him. I know its hard now but try to think of the positive side of things. The joy of having your own home, the happiness your kids will feel as they adjust to their new home. If they are old enough let them help you fix things up, let them decorate their new bedrooms. Make it a fun project. Be glad you have this opportunity for a happy and peaceful life with your kids. An alcoholic makes a lousy partner, you know that. It's so much better for you and your kids to have a new start in life. Lean on your folks as much as you feel comfortable doing, let them help you with things, with decorating, with repairs. I hope you start to feel better in a short time. You are in the midst of a big adjustment now.

[Colleenpaula]

You got this💕For you...for your kids...you got this.

[Chon]

You know the reason.

 

You were with this person for 18 Years. Even if you hated your lifestyle with this person - that doesn't mean that you didn't care a lot about this person. It's perfectly natural to feel bittersweet emotions that surround leaving a loved one that was necessary.

[LondonMan33]

Stockholm syndrome

[lorenday]

Thanks to everyone who took the time to read and reply. You're all absolutely right, he was lousy as a partner and was nowhere near the man he should have been our life was blighted by alcohol and he is a chronic dope smoker. He would work but only cash in hand jobs so he could sleep in til lunchtime, then would crash round til early hrs when we had to get up and go school and work. I had no future that I could see with him as he didn't earn enough to go halves on this rental house with me once the kids left home we would have had to move then, it felt impermanent and unsettled and I'm 45 now, I needed to start having plans for a future that would bring me peace. All I could see was moving around in small rentals in the future, or a caravan even, although we didn't share space well in a larger house. This ending and house buy was about security, I see that more now. I catch myself wondering if I should have carried on living in the moment and just waiting to see what the future held, though I did that for 18 years and it only held heartache and a split. The future is wde open and I'm scared beyond belief

[ParisPaulette]

It's called facing the unknown and realizing you are the adult in charge, no one else, you. I've been there. It gets better, so keep moving forward. Healing from a breakup isn't a steady linear process, there will be times when sadness or rage or other emotions seems to come out of nowhere. The good news is those times will become fewer and farther between and the more time passes and you learn to deal with things and overcome them, the stronger and happier you will be.

 

He was the familiar, you're in the unfamiliar now. It's human nature to have the impulse to run back to what we know rather than what we don't, so understand that's likely what it is and continue moving forward.

 

Take the time to write out all that you've accomplished, the good things, look at that list whenever you start to feel shaky or scared. It will help. You'll get through this. Six months is not a lot of time in, so you're still healing. Continue and good on you for leaving a very bad situation and getting your kids out of there too. That's awesome.

[catfeeder]

Grief is natural, and it comes in cycles and waves. Research 'stages of grief' and know that these are not neat and linear stages by which you can measure progress, but rather they are repetitive and overlapping until you work through them at your own pace.

 

I'd hire someone else to clear the garden and ex's things to public storage. Mail ex a set of the keys with the facility's brochure and bin number, then it's on him to either collect his stuff or not.

 

Meanwhile, slot some time in your days to have some boo-hoos with the tissue box, but make it your goal to surprise everyone, including yourself, with your resilience and ability to bounce back and create an enjoyable transition for your family. Faking it until you make it has a wonderful way of rubbing off to become reality. Meanwhile, while you're not feeling able to enjoy much yourself, you can avoid ruminating yourself into a deeper hole to climb out by stepping out of your own way, and make this a time of devotion to your loved ones won't benefit by seeing you upset.

 

Emotions follow behaviors, not the other way around. Behave 'as if' this is the greatest thing to happen for all of you, and over time, you'll make it so.

 

Head high, and congrAts on your new home.

[Wiseman2]

Congrats both on leaving as well as the new better life and home you are providing for yourself and your kids.

 

You are grieving. Grieving lost time and energy. Do not go to his place. Let him handle this. Focus on your healing and that starts by disengaging.

Our home is a nicer place to be since he left and the kids are much happier. I've just bought a house with help from my parents. I can't feel happy at the new house as it has work to do there and I have to leave our old rental, pull down his sheds and clear his garden and it grieves me.

[Heart of gold]

Hey, can totally understand your feelings of loneliness but look 18 years and he couldn't provide, couldn't buy a house for you to live in and couldn't give you basic emotional and physical support. So what exactly did he bring to your life?

 

For the first time in 18 years u have your own home a place for you and your children to put down roots. U will be happy please believe it, coming from someone who thinks il never find happiness I know that it's easier said than done.

 

Make a list of what he brought to your life and pin it up (away from your children) then when u miss him,look at it and think about what a strong, independent woman you are!