Went travelling-came back to dead end

[Graysfan]

So, I posted on here 2 years ago when I went through a horrendously painful heartbreak and reading other people's responses and advice really helped. I took therapy for 18 months, read books, went to the gym, reconnected with friends and family and actually, the break up was the best thing that ever happened to me. I found who I was without a partner, and gained a lot of mental strength and was genuinely very very happy. I've also just come back from 3/4 of a year traveling and teaching abroad which would never have happened had I been in a relationship.

 

Before I left however, a guy from work and I began dating for 3 months. Even though I was leaving we still decided to date. Neither of us had clicked with anyone in a few years, he was a perfect gentleman, mature and sophisticated and very lovely. He did have some anxiety issues and the limited timing we had meant we spent a lot of time together which made his anxiety quite intense. I suggested therapy and couple of other things to make him feel better about his life.

 

I then left to go abroad and we decided to not continue our relationship as I didn't even know if I was coming back. But I didn't stop missing him.

 

Now that I've returned, we met up and he said apologised for being in such a bad place and putting me through that. He said he's learnt to not be so open with peoole because that makes him vulnerable which sounds very unhealthy to me. He's also in a much better place now and has done all the things I put in that list for him including therapy (with MY company that I have therapy with byw) He said that he'd let it go, gotten over us and thinks we are not 'suited' for each other. What I don't understand is why he got back in contact with me, added me back on Fb a few weeks before. Was it just so he could meet me to apologize because I said I was never friends with exes and so totally minterpreted why he got back in contact! It seems now he's in a better place hes totally disregarded me. I feel like I've provided a service for the last 2 men I've been with. At the beginning, I'm the strong, independent, together one. I help them with their issued and then as soon as they're fine, they leave, and I'm left nursing quite deep self-esteem and rejection wounds.

 

He said he wants to meet me and 'owes' me an explanation of why he thinks we're not suited but I don't think I can go through that type of emotional battering especially after my last break up. Do I want to hear about all the things that I didn't do or wasn't compatible in? No not really.

I guess on some level I'd rather not know. The fact is we're done, I don't need to be dragged through therapy again to get over my insecurities again.

 

It just sucks because I was in such an insanely happy place before him and now I have those same feelings of rejection again,that I'm not worth it, that I'm totally and utterly flawed.

 

I feel like I'm ready to share my life and experiences with somebody now but there's nobody who wants me. I'm well traveled, well cultured, healthy, have a good job...nothing seems to be enough though.

 

 

[Mavrik]

You may not believe this but you are in control of this situation

 

When someone sends a FB friend request you can chose not to accept, when they ask to meet so as to talk, you can say no, when they ask if you want to be friends, you can say no.

 

So the question is why are you accepting these requests.

 

I always wanted to be friends with my ex but was told it's never a good idea and if never works, as they will talk about their new love and intimate things, which you will struggle with.

 

I know it's difficult but you need to take control and disengage from him. As it's not healthy for you, and you have nothing to gain but everything to lose

[Graysfan]

Yes, you're right. I am in control. I've decided not see him, it will just be painful. But I didn't stop missing him and really wanted to get back together. He doesn't know this of course. It's just tough accepting that I missed him and wanted to be with him even after 8 months and he got over me. Makes me feel so not worth anything.

[Dahl]

What happened? You were doing so well! Look at the strides you've made thanks to your hard work and investment in yourself.

 

You *are* absolutely worthwhile! Perhaps you are idealizing this guy.

 

Don't give up on the amazing start you've made to know and recover yourself. You are valuable, just because you are you! Keep fighting for you!

[RebeccaLynn]

I realize you have had a bad experience with those feelings of deep self-esteem and rejection, but....things never happen the same way twice. I don't think he wants to emotionally batter you... it sounds to me like he has a deep respect for you, and he feels that if you really wanted a relationship with him, here's your chance to fight for it. The answer is clear that you don't want one with him... and your cool with just braking it off with out all the brake up abuse....(very smart)!!! you could just explain to him how he made you feel when he wanted to meet and explan of why he thinks we're not suited. that way he can clear up that he wasn't going to hurt you he wanted to give you reasons to why the two of you aren't right for each other but never hurt you. This means He is the opposite of you... he likes to talk things out while braking up. I think if you would have let him talk you would find someone that admires you. But in this case your right... it's best for you to avoid the whole brake up talk. You should know that's a pretty great thing you did for him!! and you already know most people don't go to the extreme to help others with their problems. that in it's self speaks volumes about you. you should feel proud of your self since you have decided to bow out silently. you have a great life a head of you!!! and the whole (it's not enough thing) I get that a lot and what I have found is the more it comes up the further it takes you in life... But O god does it hurt!!!

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this but after dating so briefly and being away for so long things can fall apart. If you have to fix and change someone to the point where you give him a list of things to "fix", he's not the right guy for you.

 

Stop fixing men. Dating is a what you see is what you get situation. It's to observe if you are compatible. When you choose people you assume are broken and set out to make them your projects, it's very unhealthy.

I then left to go abroad and we decided to not continue our relationship as I didn't even know if I was coming back. he has done all the things I put in that list for him including therapy. It seems now he's in a better place hes totally disregarded me.

[Andrina]

There seems to have been a pattern of who you continued to date in the past, even though, as in the case of the last one, he held back in getting close. Feel good that you can learn from those mistakes. As soon as you start dating someone, if they don't feel 100 percent confidence in being with you, and they possess barriers, and/or they aren't on the same page with dating goals, it's time to cut them loose. This will ensure you're free when the right one comes along.

 

You do usually have to date a boatload of men to get through the process of finding someone who meets all of your major needs. It's like sifting through a lot of sand to find the treasure. I know how that is. After my divorce 9 years ago, I did online dating for a few years and went on dates with about 30 men before I found my future husband. Just before I met him, I learned of meetups.com and went to a few activities in that venue. I'd recommend that for you to possibly meet a man who shares an interest with you, and it's less stressful than online dating. Now that you have worked on yourself for the last few years, you will probably be in a better place to choose a more appropriate man and to spot red flags earlier, from men you need to avoid. I also recommend the book The Key by Rhonda Byrne to get your brain trained to look at things with in a positive light. Reading it was of great value to me. Take care.

[catfeeder]

I feel like I've provided a service for the last 2 men I've been with. At the beginning, I'm the strong, independent, together one. I help them with their issued and then as soon as they're fine, they leave, and I'm left nursing quite deep self-esteem and rejection wounds.

 

You likely provided excellent services, and that's the problem. What have you done with every service provider who has ever healed you? You thanked them during your last followup visit, and you moved forward--you didn't stick around to become their lover.

 

The two most unsexy roles to NEVER play in the life of a potential lover are therapist or parent. The ultimate goal of both of these 'fixer' roles is to move your 'patient' or 'child' beyond their initial need for you. If you're successful, that's exactly what happens, and if you're unsuccessful, then the patient or child aren't the only ones who are sick--and stuck.

 

Consider reading up on Fixer or Rescuer personality types to learn why it's never advantageous to play someone's emotional Red Cross--regardless of someone's issues, but most especially if they're rebounding from a breakup.

 

You'll find yourself much happier with outcomes when you shoot for relationships of equality in all aspects of living, but most especially with lovers. Adopt 'people are not projects' as your mantra, and you'll thank yourself later.

 

Head high.

 

PS: You're likely right in detecting a bit of one-upsmanship in the guy's purpose for meeting to 'thank' you. He may have been a bit peeved by your leaving, so this was probably his way of acting out. I'd skip him, and put your healing talents to work for your own darn self.