"Not ready for a relationship"

[lazydreamspie]

I'm really looking for tough love here because I am having such a hard time letting this go. I dated a man for a little over a month, and during that time it was awesome. He was affectionate, caring, made a huge effort to know me as a person. We both agreed we were seeing only each other.

 

We had met off a dating site several months before, but after a few weeks of us chatting he said he was going back to his ex for a second try. No worries. About 2 months later he resurfaced and we started dating. In retrospect I should have asked what happened with his ex.

 

After our last date last week his communication dried up, he didn't seem interested in me, and he cancelled on a date we were supposed to have this week. I wasn't in the mood for a hot/cold guy so I broke it off saying something like "It hurts that you don't respect me enough to just be honest and tell me you didn't feel a connection."

 

He replied the next day and told me he knows I have been very patient and understanding with him, and that's a quality he really likes in me. He then said "I want to try to build a relationship with you but I am having a hard time wanting to be in one after my last one."

 

That was the last I heard from him, which was 2 days ago. I replied at length initially going on about how I liked him but if he wasn't ready, that's ok. I then realized yesterday, that he was breaking up with me, so I sent a quick text saying "I respect that you need to go it alone for now, but the door is always open should you want to reconnect." I deleted his number and won't contact him again.

 

Naturally part of me is desperately hoping he'll contact me somewhere down the road, but let's be honest... he was just being kind, wasn't he? It's over. I don't know why he couldn't have just said "I can't be in a relationship right now." It's so much more final than what he really said.

 

FWIW I am already putting myself out there and have 2 dates lined up for next week, so I'm not sitting at home waiting for him or anything like that.

[SherrySher]

Are you both younger?

Sorry this has happened but it really sounds as though he is not over his ex and still has feelings for her and is not in a place to move on at all. Even if you were to hear from him down the line, would you really want a man who messed around with different women like this?

 

You're doing the right thing in trying to find someone else.

[lazydreamspie]

Are you both younger?

Sorry this has happened but it really sounds as though he is not over his ex and still has feelings for her and is not in a place to move on at all. Even if you were to hear from him down the line, would you really want a man who messed around with different women like this?

 

You're doing the right thing in trying to find someone else.

 

No, he's 41 and I'm 34. If I heard from him down the line... I'm not sure how I would handle it. I agree, outright ignoring me is cold. Even a "I'm sorry, take care of yourself." after I messaged him would have given me some much needed closure. I just can't stop thinking about the language of his text and it's driving me nuts.

 

Finding some else... it'll happen I suppose, but it will take time. The dating pool in my area is pretty terrible.

[SherrySher]

He's acting like this at 41? Wow...he is not only confused but immature. He is obviously running back to the ex, I would say leave this man in your past.

 

You don't want to be anyone's second choice and there are men out there who won't act like this and have left their past in the past.

[lazydreamspie]

He's acting like this at 41? Wow...he is not only confused but immature. He is obviously running back to the ex, I would say leave this man in your past.

 

You don't want to be anyone's second choice and there are men out there who won't act like this and have left their past in the past.

 

This is the tough love I wanted! Yeah, I also think at his age that he would act less cowardly. But as one of my favorite TV shows said "When you're wearing rose-colored glasses, all the red flags just look like flags." I can't see the bad for what it is because I'm so focused on how great I think he is.

 

Thank you for your words. I will eventually move on.

[greta96]

I would have a hard time believing that he actually got back together with his ex the first time around. Getting back together with the ex seems to have become the go-to excuse when they are not all that into you and want to pursue someone else, but they don't want to look like the 'bad guys' so they try to soften the blow by invoking an "ex" because really, what can you say to that? I may have used this line myself once or twice to be honest, and no, there was no ex.

 

The guy sounds flakey. He was flakey the first time around, and he was flakey now too. And I really think you made a mistake by telling him the door was going to stay open for him to waltz in and out whenever he pleases, because you pretty much set yourself up for more disappointment in the future, and for being a potential safety net. If it was meant to be with you two, it would have been by now, he wouldn't have flaked even the first time around. No need for second or third or 4th chances, he already made it clear where he stands where you're concerned. Whenever he has nothing else going on, he will hit you up and you'll be there, only for him to bail again when the next interesting prospect comes along. Why do that to yourself?

 

He flaked on you twice already. Time to put your foot down and close the door! Do not give him another chance, because the same thing will happen again and again.

[SherrySher]

You do deserve better and there is a better man out there for you. You just have to close this door, don't look back and open another.

Good luck OP.

[lazydreamspie]

I would have a hard time believing that he actually got back together with his ex the first time around. Getting back together with the ex seems to have become the go-to excuse when they are not all that into you and want to pursue someone else, but they don't want to look like the 'bad guys' so they try to soften the blow by invoking an "ex" because really, what can you say to that? I may have used this line myself once or twice to be honest, and no, there was no ex.

 

The guy sounds flakey. He was flakey the first time around, and he was flakey now too. And I really think you made a mistake by telling him the door was going to stay open for him to waltz in and out whenever he pleases, because you pretty much set yourself up for more disappointment in the future, and for being a potential safety net. Whenever he has nothing else going on, he will hit you up and you'll be there, only for him to bail again when the next interesting prospect comes along. Why do that to yourself?

 

He flaked on you twice already. Time to put your foot down and close the door! Do not give him another chance, because the same thing will happen again and again.

 

 

I don't know, he was very sincere when he informed me he was going back to his ex. He has a 10 year old daughter that he said frequently asked about his ex girlfriend, and he really wanted to give things another chance with her because they had a history. We had never met at that point so it didn't bother me in the slightest. I wished him well.

 

I've dated liars... I know how to spot them. I really don't think he was lying about this. I'll also admit that he mentioned this particular ex several times on our dates - not in a negative way, just offhandedly, and I should have known that she wasn't out of his head yet.

 

But you're right.. the flakiness... ugh. One big lesson I've learned from this is I cannot date men fresh out of relationships. Sadly this is my second time making that mistake.

 

Part of me thinks the reason I'm taking this so hard is not because I was in love with him (I wasn't) or even because I saw a future with him (we were very different in many regards, which I think would have caused problems eventually), but that I'm just tired of dating and being single and was happy to find someone I clicked with. It's hard finding people I really connect with these days. Oh well, chin up I guess.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. It's sad how many people jump on dating sites for sex when they have a fight with and ex or are chronically on/off etc..

 

If an ex is still in the picture it's a red flag for hurt. He was not ready to date no less be in a relationship. Block him do not leave doors open. Do not offer to be a backup plan.

 

Excellent you've moved on and have new prospects lined up. Good luck on the dates and next time "not ready" or "my ex" are your cue to leave and delete.

after a few weeks of us chatting he said he was going back to his ex for a second try. He then said "I want to try to build a relationship with you but I am having a hard time wanting to be in one after my last one."

I sent a quick text saying "I respect that you need to go it alone for now, but the door is always open should you want to reconnect."

[lazydreamspie]

Sorry to hear this. It's sad how many people jump on dating sites for sex when they have a fight with and ex or are chronically on/off etc..

 

If an ex is still in the picture it's a red flag for hurt. He was not ready to date no less be in a relationship. Block him do not leave doors open. Do not offer to be a backup plan.

 

Excellent you've moved on and have new prospects lined up. Good luck on the dates and next time "not ready" or "my ex" are your cue to leave and delete.

 

I guess the whole "my door is open" thing was more for friendship.. I genuinely liked spending time with him and I have a pretty solid reputation for remaining friends with the majority of my exes... even hanging out with them in a platonic manner.

 

But yeah, it's quite possible he was just needing some sex and female companionship for a while to get it out of his system and I was the lucky girl. I have such a hard time believing that of him - he asked so many deep questions about me, my life, my family, what I wanted out of dating, etc... but I know men can sweet talk.

[HeartGoesOn]

I then realized yesterday, that he was breaking up with me, so I sent a quick text saying "I respect that you need to go it alone for now, but the door is always open should you want to reconnect."

^

This in itself is putting yourself at his mercy, which gives him the green light to come and go at his own leisure. Having said that, after only one month you barely knew him, along with him being quite fresh out of a relationship and nowhere near ready to jump into another one.

 

I would move on, and take the lesson with me.

[lazydreamspie]

^

This in itself is putting yourself at his mercy, which gives him the green light to come and go at his own leisure. Having said that, after only one month you barely knew him, along with him being quite fresh out of a relationship and nowhere near ready to jump into another one.

 

I would move on, and take the lesson with me.

 

I guess I have blinders on right now. If he did come back, well... I can only hope I'll be in a place where I can ignore him or tell him I'm through with him. I've done that in the past, I'm sure I can do it again.

[Wiseman2]

You can be in that place now and in the future with the block feature.

I can only hope I'll be in a place where I can ignore him or tell him I'm through with him.

[lazydreamspie]

You can be in that place now and in the future with the block feature.

 

Eek I deleted his number and I don't know what it is so I can't block it. We weren't FB friend or anything so that's a non issue.

[Batya33]

It's fine that he doesn't want a relationship, not fine how he was treating you so I would not give it a second chance.

[lazydreamspie]

It's fine that he doesn't want a relationship, not fine how he was treating you so I would not give it a second chance.

 

It helps reading everyone's thoughts on this because it brings me back down to reality. You're right. An adult man would have fessed up to not feeling it and put a direct end to the relationship. At his age he should know better. I doubt he will return but if he does there won't be a second chance.

[katrina1980]

It helps reading everyone's thoughts on this because it brings me back down to reality. You're right. An adult man would have fessed up to not feeling it and put a direct end to the relationship. At his age he should know better. I doubt he will return but if he does there won't be a second chance.

 

Probably doesn't matter, but don't you mean no third chance? This recent fade out was his second chance, below was his first chance.

 

 

I dated a man for a little over a month, and during that time it was awesome. He was affectionate, caring, made a huge effort to know me as a person. We both agreed we were seeing only each other.

 

We had met off a dating site several months before, but after a few weeks of us chatting he said he was going back to his ex for a second try.

 

I said this before on a different thread but "fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me, fool me three times and I'm just an idiot."

 

I am glad to hear you are moving on.

[catfeeder]

First (not last) questions to ask when meeting someone on a dating site is, "How long have you been out of your last relationship?" And, 'Are you still in contact with your ex?"

 

Avoid setting yourself as rebound girl. Otherwise, you'll have a magical time of mutual investment followed by a speech about how terrific you are, but I really should have waited before dating to 'find myself' or some other version of that.

 

Rebounders are never good judges of their own readiness to date. That's why it's on US to protect ourselves to avoid involvement with them in the first place. When someone has been out of a LTR or finalized divorce for less than a year, or they show signs of not being fully over an ex (such as remaining in contact with them) then they may be great people--just not relationship material yet.

[ParisPaulette]

Tough love here. Lots of times someone who wants to keep you on a back burner in case the new person they have their eye on doesn't work out they do not openly end things for good. It leaves that door open for them to later show up and claim something like "I was confused" or "I began to develop feelings for you that scared me" or insert other BS psychological reason they lifted out of a trashy romance novel that has little to do with reality. So it's really on you to simply say, "Not interested," and move on. Do you really want a guy who is 41 years old and can't simply say, "I don't want a relationship and I'm interested in dating other women besides you." Who won't passively aggressively let you be the one to end things, so they don't have to be the bad guy and can leave that door open?

 

Also blaming his last relationship is a bit of a red flag. If he wasn't over it, then he shouldn't have been dating in the first place. It also implies his ex was bad to him in some way, and I've learned to shy away from those since too many times the person who was the larger problem in their last relationship is the one who likes to play the injured party.

 

Block and delete and no, I wouldn't be friends with someone like that, let alone hope they'll come back around. Also keep in mind, most players or just people who want something quickly from you have learned to be very charming and intense to get their way. Asking you deep questions early on isn't a sign the guy is relationship material at all. It is usually a sign they're trying to get you to drop your guard and perceive a deeper intimacy than is really there. Sometimes for purposes of sex, sometimes for other purposes like money or favors or just to have someone to spend time with until they're on to the next.

 

These are just my own experiences, but the guy who just wants to spend time with you and increase it rather than decrease it is a far better indication of possible relationship material than all the deep talks in the world. This one's actions, not his words, say he's on to the next lady. If you aren't okay with casual sex and FWB then this doesn't sound like someone you should keep in touch with.