X/girlfriend.

[Thedizzydude]

So here goes, i am fresh to this forum or forums in general, did some therapy, but no online stuff.

 

 

First of, hi and thank you for taking the time to read this, and possibly give some feedback.

 

 

 

Around 3 years ago, i met a girl online, we started talking, clicked, and long story short, 1 year after, i moved to

her country (both our countries is within europe)

 

We did stuff way to fast, as in only seeing each other 2 times, before me actually moving there,

which gave us some problems, besides our other stuff that we dealt with.

 

I'm gonna try to keep it short, since this is a very long story,

and i am seeking wisdom on current topic.

 

 

So, her mom was terminally ill (cancer) and she was diagnosed with that a couple of months after we

started chatting.

 

After trying for 1,5 years, we broke up (2 months ago)

and now her mom passed 2 weeks ago, and

we were writing/talking the time up to it, after and i went

to stay with her for a week, 2 days after she passed.

 

We agreed to take it slow, and didn't have sex while i was there,

we did other stuff tho.

 

So, here goes.

 

I am trying to be there for her now, but alot of old feelings are coming back,

and i am trying to put that aside, and be there for her, and not let any of "me" out

(it happens a bit tho, out of my control) after i went back, i had to deal with alot of stuff

no savings, so no flat (living at my dads, who wants me out) Got into a fist fight with 1 out of

my closest friend circle, which now means that i barely have any friends, so to put it as it is,

i am in right now. All this doesn't matter tho, with me and her, i can deal with that, what the problem

is tho, is that, she used to lie to me quite a bit, about her past, and about other stuff while we were together.

She used to be with quite alot of guys in her past, and i have a hard time dealing with that, and what the problem

is now, is guys, i know that this has to do with me alot, and that i am insecure ( i got a looong way tho, with her and guys, and myself)

she has a lot of guy friends, which caused some troubles, but it got better, and i got understanding for it, still a bit of it left tho,

but i am trying.

 

While we were apart, we were both doing dating stuff online etc, i didn't sleep with anyone, she did. It broke my heart when she told me

while i was visiting her, and it made it nearly impossible to put myself on the side. That said, she had contact with her x (calling him x1)

x1 is in her friend circle (all guys) and she slept with him, while we were doing long distance (i slept with a girl too, which ended up in rape charges for me,

i was proven innocent) She met up with x1 while we were broken up, and he in my opinion wanted to have sex with her, and i think she knew, because she choose another guy in front of him

(the one she slept with, while we were broken up)

and she told me that he didn't like that at all. This guy i have a hard time dealing with, because when we just started writing, she went into a relationship with him, and i

gave it up, and didn't wanna have anything to do with her after that. They broke up, and we started up again. (he cheated on her)

Then as i mentioned before, she slept with him, while we did long distance (agreed not to sleep with anyone, we both did tho)

 

So, after her mom passed, an x that she was with for 4 years, contacted her since he heard about it through some of his family (calling him x2)

They didn't have contact until now, but they started writing, and he helps her out, etc.

And this makes me very uncomfortable.

 

Besides that, she friended a guy, that she had a fling with in school when she was younger, i understand that you can just be friends, but something

about how he acts when they write etc, makes me off. We argued about it, she deleted him. They became friends again while we were broken up.

 

 

 

She says that she functions better with guy friends, than girl friends (she has girl friends too tho)

But this has been a big topic, took up so much thinking with me while we were together,

(one of the reasons why it didn't work either)

Why it made it hard for me, was because of her past ( she had alot of sex partners) she used to lie alot,

and was out of her self, she grew alot tho, and we talked about it alot, but something is still there,

since she lied to me, while we were together. Things like at first saying (i don't kiss guy friends on the cheeks when we meet - she does, i found out when when we saw some of her guy friends)

they're not all to worry about, her guy friends, but some put me off, and gives me a strange vibe.

Like they're not just friendly in their behavior towards her, and just waiting to pounce when they get the chance.

there was incidents, which wasn't okay for me.

 

so, now i am returning to my old feelings, and i am panicking, i feel powerless, i feel not respected,

i feel dissapointed about myself, for acting on my feelings.

and i am in doubt, knowing this isn't healthy for me, especially with

all the stuff i am dealing with too atm.

She has a mindset now, after we were broken up, that it's not her problem,

how i feel, i understand that to a certain degree, with me being insecure etc,

but it's just too much, as in it doesn't matter at all how i feel about stuff,

and i can just leave if i don't like it.

 

She is very distanced from me now, since 2 days, because i told her that it made me uncomfortable,

the stuff with her x's (was bad timing, i know, and i feel ty for that, but i couldn't hold it in, first hearing

about her sleeping with a guy, then all these guys back again)

 

 

I don't know what to do, while we were apart, i missed her like crazy,

and in alot of ways, i am sure that she is my soulmate,

but i don't know if i can ever be okay with all this stuff,

no matter how hard i try, some new stuff comes,

and after she lied to me and so on, i am not even sure

if she cheated on me before, because she wouldn't tell me i am sure.

And i don't know if i should break all this off, because it's so hard for me

and i can feel myself getting worse, and losing focus on my life (again)

That said, i love her to death tho, and i am 70% sure that she's my soulmate

 

 

PS: We both deal with the same stuff basically, she is insecure too, she had a rough past,

we're trying to grow out of it, and better ourselfs. Thing is tho, i always asked her, how she would

feel if it was reversed, if i would have the contact with girls that she has, and how it would make her feel.

(It would kill her, i know from minor stuff i saw her reaction to, like a female colleague touching my arm while we were

all out) but she never wanted to admit, that it would destroy her, and i told her that, she didn't get that far with it, she just doesn't have

to deal with all the stuff, like i do. Like 15 different guys in her life, x's etc and more.

 

 

I know this is a bit messy, but so is my mind at the moment, and i had a hard time putting all this in to words,

and keeping a structure in it, since there is so much stuff.

 

Please ask me, if there is some spots that has to be filled in.

 

 

Best regards.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately it sounds like you have too many of your own concerns right now to 'be there' for anyone. It sounds like you were bummed out you didn't have sex 2 DAYS after her MOTHER DIED?

 

Do yourself and her a favor and take care of your issues and let her friends and family "be there" for her while she grieves.

i went to stay with her for a week, 2 days after she passed.and didn't have sex while i was there,we did other stuff tho.

 

i had to deal with alot of stuff no savings, so no flat (living at my dads, who wants me out) Got into a fist fight with 1 out of my closest friend circle, which now means that i barely have any friends

[Thedizzydude]

That's not how i meant it tho, i actually wasn't planning on anything sexual when i went there.

When i say other stuff, i mean oral, for her, because she wanted it.

 

That thought went through my head alot, and i know you're right,

i'm just not done trying. I lost my mom 4 years ago,

so i really can't bare the thought of her not having me around,

because i experienced that with people when i went through it.

 

Thank you for your answer.