Conflicting political views in our relationship

[Tjphoenix]

I am a 32 year old man from London with a 30 year old girlfriend of 3 years. We are on the verge of moving in together, but of late I have been feeling doubts and I am unsure as to whether my doubts are over a petty subject. I don't wish to talk to friends and family about this because if we fix our problems, I don't want anyone important to me potentially having their opinions of her permanently affected.

So my gf has become increasingly frustrated with political and racial themes that are in the media of current. She does not have much interest or knowledge of politics (can barely name our prime minister) however has strong opinions and becomes very easily frustrated and angry and expresses her feelings to me regularly. She detests poor people, immigrants, drug addicts and anyone who generally claims benefits. I realised how right wing her opinions were when she stated she would rather have people dying than have a healthcare system that is free for everyone. Now I appreciate this isn't a political forum, I appreciate some of you who read this may be right wing aswell, however I am not, I wouldn't say I'm left wing either however I am a little put off by the anger it creates rather than her actual beliefs. Things do get worse unfortunately, her brother is very racist and has even racially abused people of ethnicity in public. I feel she is heavily influenced by him as when frustrated about things in the media (terrorism, immigration etc) she expresses her frustration thorough the use of racist terminology. I wouldn't say she is a racist person, but she is ignorant, a little uneducated and allows herself to say offensive things when she gets angry, which seems to be quite regularly.

My main question I'm putting out there is, am I right to feel how I currently feel, which is that I'm not sure if she's mother material for our future kids, if I am to be so blunt. I'm also not as attracted to her as I used to be and is that even justified or am I being too petty.

[nutbrownhare]

One of the most important things in a relationship is shared values; you can find someone you find extremely physically attractive, intelligent, lots in common... all that... but without shared values you cannot have a lasting relationship.

 

Another important thing in a relationship is respect; would you say you respect someone who is ignorant, uneducated and expresses views which you find repellent? Would you feel happy with your kids being inculcated with her views?

 

As for the attraction... we have no control over what we find attractive; it's either there or it isn't. It may not be down to physical attraction, either. Over the years I've had a couple of first dates with extremely handsome men who I realised very quickly were complete a**holes, and their charms withered quite rapidly.

 

None of your feelings are petty. If you move in with her, you're going to have a constant diet of opinions which make you wince. Is that really what you want to come home to every night?

[melancholy123]

You are entitled to whatever feelings you have on any subject, not just this one. I urge you to think long and hard about your relationship with this woman and if you think you can spend your life with her given her political thoughts. She is who she is, she is entitled to her opinions too, whether you agree with them or not. Dont jump into anything without thinking seriously about this.

[j.man]

Personally, I'm an all-star when it comes compartmentalizing politics. I'm also a contrarian ***hole who doesn't take sides when it comes to elaborate power structures, so I wouldn't have many friends if I weren't able to.

 

That said, plenty of people very understandably do take political viewpoints as a serious consideration, particularly if someone's views happen to actually translate into a practical application or candor. If it's an incompatibility, acknowledge it and don't bother kidding yourself or her.

[itsallgrand]

Have you discussed any of this with her? Does she know how you feel and of your doubts?

 

It sounds like you have lost significant respect for her?

[Matt3939]

I have and will state my opinion on any subject. Political religious ect. I like to hear other sides of an argument. It makes you actually think. The problem that would arise for me if they didn't listen to other people's views. I could care less what opinions someone else has as long as you are open to discussion. Seems to me the extreme people are just that and don't listen and question themselves.

[Wiseman2]

She sounds rather opinionated and outspoken. The politics wouldn't matter if it was left, right, on mars, whatever.

 

It's her personality to be opinionated whatever the opinion is. Knowing that, don't bother arguing with it.

 

If you think she's an "ignorant" pontificating bore alongside her family, then why move forward? The acorn doesn't fall far from the tree and many people get even more stuck in their ways with time.

[rosephase]

Wow... so I am politically extreme in the other direction and I wouldn't date someone who had your partners view point. And as distressing as I find her view point I would suggest you step away from her views and look at her anger. How people manage anger is super important for long term relationships. Does she yell? Do little things or things not directly related to her set her off? Is she mean? Towards you or others? Is the way she handles her anger what you would want to teach your children? Is the way she handles her anger something you would feel is safe around children?

[Salty]

She sounds revolting. I imagine being racist is a heavy burden so I pity these people. Imagine living in a diverse world when the very idea of diversity angers and upsets you? Imaging seeing a centipede in place of a human being whenever you saw a person of another race? That's the handicap racist people are living with. If you remain with her just try to be patient and educate her with kindness.

[Seraphim]

Love does not overcome revolting beliefs because well ,it just doesn't . And I wouldn't want to raise any more racist ,bigoted and uneducated people for the world we have enough of them.

[Coily]

To the primary point, politics of any kind can and should be a deal breaker if it lessens your opinion of them and damages the relationship in any way. This isn't a debate club, it's supposed to be a relationship. Yes there is a level of healthy disagreement, but you have taken to publicly slamming her and calling her ignorant. That is a bad sign of things to come.

 

And trying to change her views, well it's like any other attempt to change someone to your ideal..... not going to happen. It would be like Adam Smith trying to convince Karl Marx of the benefits of Capitalism or the inverse.

[Salty]

Love does not overcome revolting beliefs because well ,it just doesn't .

 

Depends on the person. I know some people who can't because like I said for some crazies, people of other ethnicities, religions or whatever it is they have a problem with are akin to terrifying insects.... better to couple those people with reasonable people than other nut jobs with the same handicap.

[Seraphim]

Depends on the person. I know some people who can't because like I said for some crazies, people of other ethnicities, religions or whatever it is they have a problem with are akin to terrifying insects.... better to couple those people with reasonable people than other nut jobs with the same handicap.

 

I could never ever marry someone like that, ever. I could never tolerate it.

[Wiseman2]

Agree. Angry rants disguised as having a 'mission' is a deal-breaker.

I could never ever marry someone like that, ever. I could never tolerate it.

[Seraphim]

And don't forget she doesn't feel she is wrong. So her views will become very well known to your family in time. And we all pay for who we marry publicly and privately .

[Salty]

And don't forget she doesn't feel she is wrong. So her views will become very well known to your family in time. And we all pay for who we marry publicly and privately .

 

I didn't think of that. Excellent point!

[nutbrownhare]

I'm trying very carefully not to let my own political views colour my responses to the OP... not sure how successfully...!

 

It's an issue of compatibility. If she was with someone who shared her views and liked to share them in the same way that she does, it would be a very happy union. You'd just have to pray that vulnerable people would never be thrown on the mercy of people like herself.

 

You need to ask yourself if you want a constant diet of her prejudices; unfortunately, people who opinions are founded on emotion rather than facts tend to get very angry when their views are challenged, particularly if the facts and figures directly contradict their dearly-cherished views.

[Wiseman2]

Yes, this is a real article in a US paper: My 22-year marriage didn’t survive Trump’s election

She does not have much interest or knowledge of politics (can barely name our prime minister) however has strong opinions and becomes very easily frustrated and angry and expresses her feelings to me regularly.

[DancingFool]

To the primary point, politics of any kind can and should be a deal breaker if it lessens your opinion of them and damages the relationship in any way. This isn't a debate club, it's supposed to be a relationship. Yes there is a level of healthy disagreement, but you have taken to publicly slamming her and calling her ignorant. That is a bad sign of things to come.

 

And trying to change her views, well it's like any other attempt to change someone to your ideal..... not going to happen. It would be like Adam Smith trying to convince Karl Marx of the benefits of Capitalism or the inverse.

 

^This is an excellent post. OP it struck out to me as well that you are calling your gf ignorant, uneducated, etc. It's actually a bit ironic that you are not happy with her opinions, yet you are fine name calling in such a demeaning way and attitude. When you look down like that at your SO, best to walk away. You already have zero respect or regard for her if you are willing to be honest with yourself. You can't be with someone long term and have a happy life together when there is no mutual respect for each other, not to mention fundamentally differing values and belief systems.

[agent1607307371]

than have a healthcare system that is free for everyone.

 

I mean, we don't have that anyway.

 

 

she expresses her frustration thorough the use of racist terminology. I wouldn't say she is a racist person, but

 

One of the hardest things to accept is when someone we love is racist. My parents are racist. My sister and bil are racist (has become more, more recently). If she uses racist slurs, she's racist.

 

Honestly, I think you're realising that you're not as compatible as you thought you were, and are really starting to think about what it will be like to live with her. It is not petty to think about this stuff, it's a very fundamental piece of a relationship.

[Seraphim]

Absolutely ,if your core values are not fundamentally very similar relationships don't make it .

 

But as a parent who has a disabled child who collects disability benefits even if my friend said something about my child let alone my spouse they would be dropped like a hot potato .

[Doc Blaze]

Bro this isn't a political conflict . your gf and her family are racist, have conflicts with people in public, let the media fuel their anger and does a lot of generalizing of people.

 

Not someone I would associate myself with.

[Clio]

I don't want anyone important to me potentially having their opinions of her permanently affected.

 

has strong opinions and becomes very easily frustrated and angry and expresses her feelings to me regularly.

 

she would rather have people dying than have a healthcare system that is free for everyone.

 

I am a little put off by the anger it creates rather than her actual beliefs.

 

her brother is very racist and has even racially abused people of ethnicity in public. I feel she is heavily influenced by him

 

when frustrated about things in the media (terrorism, immigration etc) she expresses her frustration thorough the use of racist terminology.

 

she is ignorant, a little uneducated and allows herself to say offensive things when she gets angry, which seems to be quite regularly.

 

am I right to feel how I currently feel, which is that I'm not sure if she's mother material for our future kids, if I am to be so blunt.

 

So, she is REGULARLY angry and she REGULARLY behaves in a way that makes you feel bad. She also IS racist. And the people that are important to you WILL find out at some point. And your children WOULD be raised by a racist mother. Do the math.

 

I think that shared values are fundamental in any healthy relationship so you have great cause for worry. Call me petty, but I think that you need to LIKE the person you marry...

[reinventmyself]

There is such a fine line but I don't see this as conflicting political values but more as conflicting personal values.

I don't know how relate to someone that views people who are different from themselves in a hateful, vicious way.

And then to hide behind a political agenda to justify it.

 

My partner and I have different political values but it's never as extreme to the point where we can't empathize with

the other side and stay opened minded enough to be respectful.

[nutbrownhare]

There is such a fine line but I don't see this as conflicting political values but more as conflicting personal values.

 

My partner and I have different political values but it's never as extreme to the point where we can't empathize with the other side and stay opened minded enough to be respectful.

 

This ^^^. You can agree to differ about many things, but if one person in a relationship has a world view completely lacking in compassion and the other person does not - that's an issue of personal values. It's also likely to pervade many things they do, unrelated to politics.