I really want her back

[SMC1284]

A few weeks ago, my girlfriend and I got into an argument. Not even the biggest one we have had. At the conclusion, she said that she doesn't known if she should be in a relationship right now. Which knocked me for a loop since we have been together for 4 and a half years and have 2 kids. She said she has to work on her, which didn't hurt much at first since she does have some mental issues that are unresolved. We agreed to still sleep in the same bed and we can still be intimate and that she still loves me but not in the same way that she did. After a few days I started to get a feeling that she was seeing someone. Someone who was a friend of ours who had admired to me that he had a crush on her in high school. My fears were realized when I did the grimy thing and went through her phone (something I am still not proud of). She had text messages from him saying that he loves her and from her saying that she loves him. Even some saying that they had sex. I was so devastated that I didn't sleep. I have not told her what I found but have confronted her about him. She says he is like a brother to her. As days went by, all the things we were still doing after our break started (hugging, kissing, cuddling, terms of endearment like "babe" and "hun"). I don't know what to do. I still love her with every breath in my body. I want us to be a family again. But I don't know how to go about it without smothering her or losing her trust.

[MissCanuck]

She is full of horse manure.

 

This guy is obviously not like a brother to her.

 

And you need a backbone! You are worried about losing her trust? That is one of the most backwards things I have read on this site recently. She is cheating on you, and you want her to trust you? Da fuq?

 

Stand up for yourself and be a man. Get her out of your bed. You might still love her, but OP, she does not love you.

[Cleardecisions]

Oh boy. You need to confront her immediately. You want to know why? Because YOU are done with HER, so who cares about her being mad at you for snooping.

 

These aren't flirty texts. These aren't maybe a little risqué. These are texts saying I love you and implications of sex. 2 absolute drop it now, run for the hills types of things. She is cheating on you man!

 

Like MissCanuck says, she does NOT love you. Do not believe a word she says. She loves the idea of you. She loves what you 2 may have built over the years. But she is not IN LOVE with you. Huge difference.

 

Stop this now. Do what you can to start putting this in your rear view.

 

Bad bad news this woman is.

 

Good luck.

[jbmp1390]

Go to therapy man. I understand wanting her back but you are clearly not the problem here. She is. It's obvious even if you hadn't mentioned it that she has some serious mental proclivities going on that she probably hasn't done much to work on at all. No one is perfect but it's pretty clear that you haven't done anything wrong here, at least not something anywhere near bad or serious enough for her to have fallen out of love with you, which she said in so many words. The issues here are with her and not you. Shell just end up hurting you again. Or if you broke up and she started officially being with the other guy, she'd eventually do something to sabotage that too. You both need to go to therapy, just for different reasons, and I'm saying this as someone who's done ALOT of therapy so I'm not judging. She needs to go and deal with why she feels the need to sabotage what ultimately seems like a very deep and loving relationship, at least on your part. And you need to go to talk about how this has all made you feel and how to deal with those feelings, as well as to get strong emotionally so that you can tell her that she cheated on you, there's no coming back from that, and the romantic part of your relationship is through. It's ty enough of her to cheat on you, but the fact that she won't even be honest with you about what she did and that she's apparently in love with this other guy, I won't even get in to what a piece of he is, is what really puts the final nail in the coffin. Like I said no one is perfect especially when it comes to relationships but you seem like a good, decent guy who really doesn't deserve any of this. You deserve someone who TRULY loves and respects you, not someone who just pays lip service to it and then does behind your back, then acts like you're the one who did something wrong, then tries to start going back to how things were like nothing happened. The fact that she's trying to go back to how things were makes it even worse. What do you mean you don't want to lose her trust? This situation is the other way around, she should be BEGGING to get YOUR trust back. That's why you need to try the therapy man. You can't look at yourself like you did anything wrong here or are in any way to blame for how she's feeling or what she's done. You are worthy of being respected by your partner and truly loved. It's very sad to say but it's obvious she does not respect you or care enough to treat you well. Look through her phone again and you'll see what I mean. She may be trying to go back to how things were, giving you hugs and kisses, calling you baby, acting like things are just fine and back to normal, but I guarantee she is still texting that other guy, aka the slimy little . As hard as it is, you need to end this now and she needs to understand that the reason why is because what she did was extremely wrong and then she didn't even respect you enough to be honest about it, admit she made a mistake and ask for your forgiveness. If that had been the case it would be more understandable to try and work things out, but unfortunately that was not the case. I know how you feel and of course you must make your own choice. Just please think about the fact that you are a good person who deserves to be loved, cared for, respected, treated right etc to the same level to which you give those things to your partner. I'm not saying to hate her forever and pretend she doesn't exist. She's the mother of your children so you will have to maintain at least a cordial relationship for there sake so you can Co parent in the right way, but as much as it sucks, it sounds like your romantic relationship has ultimately run its course. I'm so sorry you're going through this man. You truly do deserve so much better and I really hope that in time, you can find the woman who is truly right for you.

[Knight2001]

i understand you want her back. i feel your pain.

however, you want the person back you thought she was. she is not that person. she is sleeping with someone else.

you need to get rid of her. you dont even need to tell her that you know because you went through her phone. that is pointless. just tell her it's over and there's no going back. you dont even need to tell her why.

going back to you wanting her back - that is a reflex. in months/years to come if you were still with her this would play on your mind and eat you up.

im sorry my friend to point out the obvious, but the damage is done.

just get rid of her and get over her. you will feel better for it eventually. you dont want to be the man who's woman went elsewhere.

good luck.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. Unfortunately you need to address the affair and not be derailed into 'you snooped'.

 

The concept of living together as a couple and family and still sleeping together and "being on break" is ridiculous.

 

Tell her you know of the affair and ask her to move out or end the affair and go to counselling with you. Limbo and denial are not options.

we have been together for 4 and a half years and have 2 kids. We agreed to still sleep in the same bed and we can still be intimate and that she still loves me but not in the same way that she did.

She had text messages from him saying that he loves her and from her saying that she loves him. Even some saying that they had sex.

[No1]

I hate the word 'confront' it immediately puts the other person on the defensive and its going to end up her throwing it back in your face. Nothing positive will can come out with a confrontation.

There are many ways to do this, and I don't know if there is a right or wrong way but I would agree JBMP... go seek a couples counselor. Talk to them one on one and then ask him/her about couples therapy.