Boyfriend of 3 yrs not sleeping in same bed anymore

[Chevy03]

Hi, I am 27 and hes 36.

Basically He was one of those who fell asleep on the couch and stayed there some times when we first moved in together. We used to have a very intimate and fulfilling sex life. However it seems as time has gone on he sleeps I'd say 5 nights out of 7 in the basement which is a man cave. He says it's bc I get up way earlier than him, or the beds not comfortable etc. I have spoken to him about it I'd say 1.5 yrs ago. And he attempted to come to bed more. And then I just got so busy with life that I seriously didn't care or notice he wasn't in bed more often. Now it's been bothering me more. I've mentioned it and he tried to come up to bed and ends up getting annoyed with being uncomfortable and goes back to the couch.

 

My main concern is that I don't want to live like this anymore. And I'm actually quite farther over it than I thought. It's one of those things where you feel like your voice was on repeat and nothing was done about it so it's like I'm almost desensitized. However lately I've been lonely and wondering why and what's going on. Possibly because it was my bday and I've been contemplatingif I want to sign up for such an emotionless and distant life with a so called companion.

 

As a side note, when we vacation he's in the bed which is peculiar to me because theres a couch in the hotel rooms

...

 

Please aNY similar stories or insight is appreciated.

Am I over reacting?

[Hollyj]

You are too young to be going through with this. My parents slept in separate rooms after 50 years of marriage, and this was due to my father's snoring.

 

What I am trying to say, is that this will only get worse. Your bf has become your roommate. I think it is time to end things and find someone who wants to share your bed.

[Clio]

My main concern is that I don't want to live like this anymore.

 

I've been contemplating if I want to sign up for such an emotionless and distant life with a so called companion.

 

This is clearly a problem. You need to decide whether this is a deal-breaker for you once and for all and act accordingly. Do it sooner rather than later as three years is enough time to decide whether this relationship is going to evolve or not. If you want marriage and a family, then don't waste time on a guy you can't see yourself ending up with. At 27 and in a 3 year relationship, you need to be mindful of the passing of time or you could end up regretting it in your 30s...

[Knight2001]

im sorry to hear this post. i was in a relationship like this. i worshipped the ground my partner walked on, thought she was fantastic. however she started sleeping in the spare room. we both used to get up at the same time in the mornings and go to bed the same time at night. it just seemed weird to me. i agree with the earlier post, my grandparents had seperate rooms but they were well into their 70s.

me and my partner drifted further and further apart. whether this was the root of it i dont know but it certainly didnt help.

this might sound silly, but have you shopped for a more confortable bed ? one that suits you both ?

good luck in whatever you decide to do.

[SherrySher]

I have a different opinion. If both partners are okay with this arrangement, I don't see the problem. I have had many friends who are couples, find it difficult to sleep together due to snoring, or different hours, or not feeling comfortable sleeping beside someone, etc. They do sleep apart and no one minds. It's just one of those things that happens sometimes. I personally see no issue with it or why it's a big deal.

 

BUT that's only if both parties are okay with it You do not sound okay with this so therefor it is a problem.

 

If it's something you cannot and refuse to be okay with, then it's probably best to break up.

 

He has his preferences on sleeping and shouldn't be forced to do otherwise and you want to be sleeping next to someone and shouldn't suffer it out.

There really isn't any other fair options other than to end the relationship.

[Matt3939]

Ive found its just usually the partner you are with. It's been about 50/50 for me. Some you have no problem at all sleeping next to and actually prefer it. Some not so much. The ones that snore are the worst. Loud that is, everyone does it to some point. I've found the effectionate people toward you are usually the good ones to sleep with. How is he in that way when awake? I'm not saying the less effectionate people love you any less either it's just there way.

[j.man]

Personally, I always have and likely always will sleep better alone. If it were more socially acceptable and not so widely seen as some huge sign of disinterest, I'd have long ago made it a staple in every relationship I've had to sleep separately. It's kind of a bullet I just bite, though.

 

I really do hope it becomes more socially acceptable to split sleeping arrangements in the future. There are so many things such as body temperature, one's propensity to hit snooze, differing circadian rhythms, mattress preference, etc. to where some bedtime autonomy simply makes sense. Issues of there simply not being enough space aside, I do consider the fact we still share beds as one of the more arbitrary practices.

 

So, yeah. You can pick up on my bias here. I'd never reflexively associate a preference to crash on the couch with a lack of love or affection. Plenty better factors to go by. I'd say that he's 36 and is well past the point of caring to compromise sleep for "romance."

 

All that out of the way, if you need a guy next to you when you sleep and wake, it's definitely not uncommon. Just isn't going to be this guy who does it... at least not happily.

[WithLove]

I like softer beds and my bf likes firmer ones. If he didn't have a Sleep Number bed, I'd be sleeping on the couch, too. It has nothing to do with interest - it has to do with comfort.

 

If you simply have the want and need to sleep with someone next to you, and your bf doesn't, then this is a fundamental difference that won't ever be fixed. You'll have to decide what's more important to you.