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Fiance hiding things from me (drinking) fixing to get married, confused.

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I've been in a relationship with my girlfriend who is now my Fiance for over 4 years. We've been engaged for over 2 years, and the past year has been a little difficult for us. Don't know if it helps but I'm 30 and my fiance is 32. To kind of get to where we are now I will have to tell you a little about our past.


Last summer I could tell something was wrong between us. She was hiding stuff from me and just not acting like herself. I thought she was seeing someone else and after she received a text message one day from a man she met at a conference I found out that I was correct. I waited around a month before bringing it up so I could watch her to see how she acted and to see if I could find out more before blowing up on her. Through one of her friends husband I was able to find out things about her relationship with this other person. She had met a guy at a conference and me and her had been a little rocky lately, not spending time with each other, and just no alone time because of her work and my work schedule, so when this guy started paying attention to her she liked it. They started texting and having an emotional affair, but they never had an physical contact. They were supposed to meet a couple times but everything fell through and it never happened. Through her best friends husband I was able to find out that my girlfriend had felt guilty about what she did, she made comments that I was really devoting a lot of energy into saving our relationship, and she felt like we were okay and she had ended the emotional affair and was trying to find a way to tell me about it but she was afraid of how I would react.


I'm an introvert and my fiance is not. I'm very quite and don't like crowds of people, I don't like drinking alcohol, or partying (when I was younger I tried the whole bar scene and I did it for a year or so but got over it quick) and when we got together she had told me that in her past she had partied and did everything just like me, but that part of her life was over and she wanted to settle down and have a family. Almost 6 months have went by and I've just now started to get over what happened with her emotional affair, but I still can not get her to open up to me like I think she should. I tend to take things to heart and get upset easily, and she does not. Over the past 2 years our romantic time has been cut down quite a bit from the honey moon period to the point where we have sex about once a month (for two years now) and anytime I try to talk to her bout this or other important things she gets defensive and doesn't want to talk about it.


The point of this story is she recently went to another conference. Before she went to the conference her and her friend were talking and she was asked if she was going to go get wild and drunk while she was at this conference and she said no. She told me about this conversation and I asked her if this was going to be a problem, if I was going to have to worry about her going and getting drunk. She told me no. The day after she gets back from the conference I find out when did indeed get drunk and what's worse, she told everyone to make sure I didn't find out because I would get mad (which I am, more so about her keeping it from me then actually doing it). In my mind (coming from a family of alcoholics) I see nothing but a terrible life ahead when I see people drinking. I know people drink everyday and the world doesn't end but everyone I know and love that drinks it seems like drinking has caused terrible things in their life. I Love my fiance and I'm sure her drinking is nothing to be worried about (I have found out that she will drink 3 to 4 times a year and keep it from me) but I worry about her, especially when she goes off to a conference and I'm not there if she needs help. I don't want her to get drunk and get taken advantage of, or get hurt. When she was at the conference I knew something was wrong by the way she was talking to me, she didn't sound like her self, and when she got home she didn't act like her self and I thought the the emotional affair had started up again (she made it a point to tell me that the person she had an emotional affair with was not at the conference and had switched jobs, so I wouldn't have to worry about him in the future. She told me she wanted me to know so I didn't worry about it) but before she left I asked her to not drink, she went and got drunk and lied to me about it. I feel guilty because I feel as if I'm being controlling in our relationship and I don't want to be that way, but I can't stand to see her drinking or find out she's drinking, it's like I'm afraid she's going to get drunk and run off with someone or something is going to happen to her.


I love her and would do anything for her I just don't know what to do. My main concern is who is it fault. Am I too controlling, am I worried over nothing? I don't want to be the jealous boyfriend but I feel like I am. I feel like she is changing right in front of me and I'm going to lose her, or get to upset every time she does something and eventually it's all just going to end. We're supposed to get married at the end of the year and I just wonder if getting married is going to make everything that much worse.


Sorry that this was so long.

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Haevy drinking is an understandable deal breaker. Sadly you sound very incompatible and that's no one's "fault".


Unfortunately seems like a catch-22 She wants to get married and you have concerns about finances,etc..


Get some counselling to hash out these issues, particularly money management and sex. Do not get married until you have the money and affection thing sorted out


You won't get the romance back until you set a wedding date and realize that in marriage, things will be joint, not her money my money.


Be honest with yourself if you are stalling on the marriage because you are not ready to share finances as a married couple. You make double what she makes and you want her to pay half of everything?


Her financial approach will not change that much but counselling will help..You need to look at your own financial style as well.

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You seem to have some major personal emotional and psychological issues that you are projecting onto your fiance when it comes to drinking and alcohol in general. Someone who maybe drinks only 3-4 times per year is pretty far from having problems with alcohol. You say that in your experience alcohol causes a lot of problems, but do you realize that you are so afraid of that, that you are actively causing the problem??? You really have two choices here - seek counseling so you can address your issues, attitudes and anxieties about it or find someone who won't touch a drop of alcohol ever by their own choice.


In addition to the above, you admit that you get upset easily. So how can someone feel safe coming to you with the truth, if you can't handle the truth? It doesn't work, thus you end up being lied to. When you are not in control of your emotions when it comes to addressing things, you are making it impossible for people to talk to you in an honest manner and actually address things in a productive, constructive way. Also, bad, dramatic, over the top reactions to things will cause the person on the receiving end of it, your gf/fiance, to feel emotionally isolated. They can't express themselves and speak out or share things with you safely. This is something you definitely need to work on. If you don't, this relationship or another, eventually you will end up driving people away from you because that kind of behavior is exhausting to deal with and destroys the emotional bond and closeness that's needed for relationships to survive long term. Your gf is wrong for emotionally cheating on you, but.....you are not just an innocent victim in this, you've actively contributed.


I don't know if your relationship can be salvaged or not. I do think that you have some work you need to do on yourself regardless.

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Erm, actually it sounds as though she's a social drinker and the only reason she's hiding it from you is because of your reaction. Three or four times a year is hardly problem drinking, but I can understand why she tries to keep it secret under those circumstances! It seems you still have issues around anxiety and control because of your family of origin, and you need to address those - no matter who you were in a relationship with. There is a huge difference between the kind of drinking which destroys lives and the occasional "letting your hair down" which is likely to happen at parties and conferences; you need to differentiate the two or you'll have difficulties with anyone who isn't completely teetotal.


Also, you both need to be honest about the emotional affair. It will probably be easiest if you bring up the subject, but in as supportive a way as you can - letting her know you know about it, and that if she's unhappy with aspects of your relationship to share them, so that you can do something about it. Otherwise guilt will grow on her part, and fear and mistrust will grow on yours - in a place where love should be flourishing.


Stop worrying about who is at fault. It's always much better to look for a solution than for someone to blame.


Though I would advise postponing the wedding until and unless you can address these problems.

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You sound co-dependent, which is understandable if you are coming from a family of alcoholics. She sounds avoidant. This is a difficult combination. You do need to work on your controlling tendencies. In the same time, your fiance getting drunk was quite a passive-aggressive move. And so is the lying. To me it sounds like BOTH of you are at fault. Both of you are behaving dysfunctionally. You thinking that you can "protect her from herself" and her making sure that she pushes all your buttons/insecurities (although she may not be totally aware of it). This is a pattern that needs to be broken before you get married. I would advise you to look into individual therapy as a start, and definitely have some serious talks with her about lying. No trust = No relationship.

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Thank you for your post. I've tried to go back and look at other relationships I've had to see a pattern. I've been cheated on a lot in the past, and I always felt like I was somewhat to blame. In the situation I'm in currently I went several months with a (I've given up) attitude towards my girlfriend. Back in October I posted on here about our problems with finances and not having sex often, Wiseman2 who commented above you also commented on that so I think he knows quite a bit about my problems as well. But when I decided to give up that's when the emotional affair started. I was convinced she wasn't going to change her ways, she was going to spend money like crazy, never have sex, and complain about me being socially awkward from now on. After the emotional affair came out we had an honest conversation and we talked about why she thought that she had to talk to someone else. She told me about the problems in our relationship that she wanted to work on, and I told her about the ones I wanted to work on. She thought I didn't want to get married or have kids, she said I never wanted to go out with her friends, and never wanted to do anything with her family. Since then I've made a great effort, we set a date at the end of the year to get married, We now have regular Sunday dinners with her family, and I'm a lot more social than I used to be. She's made comments to her friends that I've really changed and turned things around and that she's proud of me. Now I feel like everything I've brought up about our relationship has been swept under the rug. The first month after we had our talk our frequency in sex and overall romantic events increased, and everything seemed to be good, but then it all stopped after Christmas. We went one month where things were better and then everything stopped on her end. I still go out places with her and her friends, family, everything. She complained that I didn't even pay attention to her, I make sure to do that now, I did in the first place I guess I just needed to do it more. But I feel like I'm going down a one way street. I feel like I'm trying to work on the relationship and make things better, while she is stuck in her own little world planning a wedding and dealing with work. She says that she's so stressed about work that sex is the last thing on her mind, she stays on her phone looking at social media when she's at home because she says that's how she relaxes when she gets home from work, the whole time I'm setting across from her on the couch just wishing she would talk to me about anything.


I didn't mean to give the impression that she can't talk to me because I blow up. I don't actually blow up and start yelling or crap like that, what I mean is when something bothers me I tend to set around and think about it for a couple days before saying anything. I don't say right away when something bothers me. I let it build up and then we have a conversation about it days later.


I've mentioned going to therapy with her, but she thinks it's a waste of time, and I've thought about just doing it alone, but I honestly wouldn't even know where to start with therapy. It seems like in my past I've dated girls that were younger than me. Most of them drank at some point in their life and at some point in the relationship they started drinking again, and then not to long after that they ended up cheating on me. I thought that maybe the reason I hated drinking so much was because it was like a trigger to me that my relationship was fixing to end like before, but I don't know for sure. I know that my gf doesn't have a drinking problem or anything like that, I know that it's not that big of an issue, but then at the same time when I find out that she has went out and got drunk I get that feeling like I've just been dumped. I feel sick, confused, and that feeling of doom like everything is fixing to crash down around me. I know that sounds a little dramatic, and honestly it's probably not that bad but at the moment I find out that's how it feels.I love my girlfriend and I do want to marry her, but I hate that she lies to me. I've told her in the past that I would rather her tell me something that was going to upset me rather than lie to me, and after our talk and up until this drinking issue that seemed to be true, but for some reason she chose to lie to me about the drinking. It upsets me that the one thing I asked her to not do she went and did. I didn't want to have to worry about her drinking and not having someone around in case she got into trouble and that's the one thing she had to do when she got there. It just seems like I don't ask for much, but when I do ask for something it doesn't matter.

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That last paragraph is where you start with therapy for yourself. All those fears, projections, anxieties - you need to fix that for you. Print it out and take it with you. The therapist will lead you from there and help you start resolving some of these issues and finding better ways to think, deal, disentangle those anxious connections you've made in your mind.


As for the letting it build up for days before addressing something, honestly, it's just as bad as blowing up and screaming and punching walls. You might not realize it, but the tension the other person feels, the walking on eggshells they have to do waiting on you to finally come around to whatever is building up .....it's punishing and stressful to deal with. Now, that's not to say that your gf is perfect. She is obviously not. However, you can't control or change her, you can only change yourself.


As for you going to back to "I asked her for one thing"....thing is that you don't tell a grown adult who is capable of taking care of themselves what they can and cannot do, especially when your demand is driven by your own personal unresolved issues and anxieties. You are going to set yourself for being disappointed every single time if you try this.

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Hi Op, in regards to therapy, my suggestion is to check out Adult Children of Alcoholics. It's a program designed to help those that have family members/loved ones with addictions. I struggled with having a relationship with my alcoholic father and posted on here about it. You can read about my experience here: - You'll discover that almost every thing you do, feel, think, has ties to addictions and the negativity associated with them.

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Hi Op, in regards to therapy, my suggestion is to check out Adult Children of Alcoholics. It's a program designed to help those that have family members/loved ones with addictions. I struggled with having a relationship with my alcoholic father and posted on here about it. You can read about my experience here: - You'll discover that almost every thing you do, feel, think, has ties to addictions and the negativity associated with them.


ACOA meetings aren't available everywhere - highly recommended if you can find a local one though! - and Alanon is also very helpful. Within my experience, they're better than therapy and they're FREE!!!

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I see the affairs and the drinking as different things.


The affairs of partners, past or present, physical or emotional, are not on you. Relationships have highs and lows; that's life. But it's not valid in a committed relationship that if it hits a rocky stretch that all bets are off and cheating is on the table. Part of being in a relationship is the agreement to work on things or end it instead of turning to others to get what we normally would from each other.


Warning her before she leaves is a different thing, and a detriment. (" I asked her if this was going to be a problem, if I was going to have to worry about her going and getting drunk.") In effect, you are hoping to control her behavior, hoping to keep her from drinking. The more direct and honest approach is to understand your boundaries around drinking and make it about your own choices, not hers. In other words, if you have a boundary around any kind of drinking, your choice is to make that a deal breaker for you in a relationship. It's about your behavior in response to her choices. If you can tolerate drinking socially, then don't try to control her or expect her report in about it because that can lead to her sneaking around to avoid contact, or harboring resentment.


I'm curious how you found out about the texts revealing the emotional affair. (" I thought she was seeing someone else and after she received a text message one day from a man she met at a conference I found out that I was correct. I waited around a month before bringing it up"). If you snooped, that would mean you sneak around as well (like your girlfriend, but in her case she drank and told others not to tell you). It's not good to have a relationship build on distrust. If you don't trust her, trust yourself and be willing to choose to move ahead in your best interest. I would call off the wedding, to be honest, as painful as that sounds, because of the distrust and dishonesty. It's not about this one instance, but the lack of trust, which is a bigger and more essential issue.

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One of the main things I wanted to get out of my post was to confirm whether or not I was being unreasonable. I was at the point where I couldn't take the thought of her getting drunk and now I feel like it's something I need to accept, it's not something worth getting upset about and maybe if I talk to her and ask her to be honest with me and tell me the truth in the future maybe she will. I guess her not wanting to tell me is a trust issue on her side. I guess I will have to accept the fact that she will do what she does and I will have to learn to live with it, and if in the future this becomes a problem or something worse ends up happening because of the drinking then I can address it then.


Just to answer "journeynow", I found out about the text when she received a text one day. Normally we pick up each others phone and read the messages to each other. In this case she was busy putting on makeup so I picked up the phone to read the message to her, but I saw it was from someone I didn't know and I could see what the message said so I knew something was going on. From that point I knew she was cheating on me and I started snooping to confirm it. When I did confirm it I confronted her and told her how I found out and that I had snooped and found even more stuff. When I found out she was cheating I didn't care how it would look if I was snooping because in my eyes the relationship was over if she was cheating. I had to know if it was true because if it was it was over. I just ended up finding out that it wasn't as bad as I thought. Still cheating but she had already decided to end it to work on us, and there was no physical contact, just text messages to a guy that lives 100 miles away.

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