aroud Posted April 5, 2017 Share Posted April 5, 2017 So to cut a long story short, my wife and I have been going through a bad 6 months. The catalyst for this has been problems with my job where I had a really bad time and became depressed for 3 months. During that time my wife told me the was bored of listening to me and admitted she gave up on me. I was surprised she told me that to my face to be honest. A nightmare became worse and worse. I had told her I was getting a tight chest and a tingly feelings and was really worried about the stress levels. I saw the doctor about these and the symptoms died down luckily. (I thought this morning how odd it was that ever since I told my wife I was going to doctor about tingly feelings in my chest a few months ago, she has never once asked me how that appointment went or considered my physical health under stress important.) I wasn't taking my depression out on her or anyone else, just was getting some bad treatment in my job and needed to talk about my experiences after work. I know it's hard to live with someone who is depressed - I've done that, and yes it can be exhausting. But telling someone you've given up on them? I wonder about that. It was crushing to hear that, and something changed inside me after that. After Christmas I had to change my approach to my marriage, and chose not to tell her anything significant about what was going on at work - only if she really asked about it. Then she wouldn't have cause to complain. I discovered how self-reliant I can be, and despite getting laid off (after all that!) I buckled down, interviewed, and got a new job (which I start in a couple of weeks) - whilst my wife during what was a serious situation for us (she had no visa, her application depended on me getting a job) was no help whatsoever and could only panic and put me under even more pressure to get a job to the point where home life was toxic. I had to stay on point and prepare for interviews. I got laid off 3 days after my wife had got back from a holiday with her best friend which she said she needed because of all the stress of the past few months. During this time I'm still getting battered in my job. I'm reflecting on the past 6 months and the more I think about it the more alarm bells ring. As soon as I got my job, I decided to take a well earned holiday to see family for 2 weeks - the only opportunity I would get between jobs. I was hoping that my wife would appreciate how desperately I needed this break. After 6 days I get a series of messages from her saying how she didn't know what the point of anything was and felt really low. On the one hand I'm worried because she was not saying anything specific, but on the other I'm thinking, maybe slightly selfishly, just give me 2 weeks to unwind after that complete nightmare. She knows me so well that she would know that sending me these messages would get me thinking and worrying. And that's what happened. When she sent those messages (it was in the middle of the night in my timezone) the last one said she was going out and not taking her phone. She eventually came back on line 8 hours later. I've been worried and stressed in the meantime. I sent her a couple of messages saying how everything was moving in the right direction, but more bleak what is the point in anything messages came back, finished with one saying she was going to bed have a good day. 2 days later I get a message from her saying it would have been nice to talk to someone when she was so low. I'm confused because she intentionally left it so that she could let me know how low she was and then be alone for about 8 hours, and then when I get in touch she says she's going to bed. So closing down avenues for a discussion. This is not the first time communication has gone this way. She's a mature woman in her mid 30's, and I would rather not play games at my age -I'm a few years older. After the last few months I've somehow changed inside. I'm just feeling more and more like my wife checked out of our marriage months ago and I've been too blind to see it. Giving up on me, ignoring potentially serious health issues, leaving the country when I'm still under the hammer before getting laid off, being zero help when everything depended on me to get a job and save us. I'll be honest, I didn't think I was marrying someone who would do this. We've been together 7 years and married 2 years. Horrible to contemplate how f**ked this might be. Some additional context - before we moved city (we were doing well at that point) we had plans to have kids. Admidst all the troubles my wife was still adamant that we should not be using protection as it might take some time to get pregnant. I figured (with the chest pains and my job not going well and generally life feeling like it was crumbling) that the conditions were pretty terrible for briniging an innocent kid into the world. So alongside all this I've been trying to take a rational approach saying we need a solid foundation (jobs!) for a family. Thinking back, at one of the really low points she said that she was not getting any younger and needed to think carefully about what she needs to do, and that was shortly before she went on holiday (3 days later I got laid off). If this sounds like a mess it's because it is. It's only through having some time away that I'm getting a grip on what's happened and what it might mean. Link to comment
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