Dealing with regret

[MissAnthropy84]

I'm new to this forum, and it's been helping a bit. My story:

 

I became friends with a guy at work about a year ago. He had a LT girlfriend at the time, but our relationship was purely platonic. We became very close, the kind of close that presents itself when working side by side with someone in stressful situations. Neither of us are people who have many close friends so we knew our relationship was special; how well we got along, how similar our personalities are, future life goals, plus we went through hellfire together at work. We were in each others orbit and couldn't seem to pull away from one another. We became each other's best friend.

I don't want to bore with the details, but long story short, he ended up breaking up with his gf and confessing feelings for me. I decided to pursue it and for about a month, things were great. He ended up going back to his gf suddenly, and I was hurt but put my feelings aside for both the job and our friendship. About 3 months later, he came back to me. I was more hesitant this time, as I didn't want to be hurt again, but he assured me he was ready. So I (stupidly) jumped again. We spent the holidays together and had a great time. Things were awesome and my feelings for him grew stronger than before. After New Years he got weird and broke up with me, saying he needed time to figure things out and was in a dark place. I was very hurt and confused. We still had to maintain a relationship since we still worked closely with one another. This presented its own problems, but we were able to make it work. After time, it got easier and we were back to almost the same friendly place.

About 2 1/2 months after the breakup, he left for another job opportunity. I decided this would be the best time to go NC since we were never offered that with our work situation, and I was still struggling with my emotions. Within this time I came to terms with the fact that he was never over his previous relationship (no matter how toxic it was) and jumping from her to me never allowed him any time to heal. I accepted the fact that our break up was for the best since it was doomed from the start with his ex gf's shadow still over everything. He's texted me twice during this time, and I ignored it. I did send him a text after about 4 weeks just letting him know I was taking time for myself but he never responded. I imagine he's confused as to why I'm ignoring him, as seeing that when he left we were on good terms.

 

I'm not ready for him to be back in my life on a romantic level...he's not even close to being ready for that, even though I know that with the right timing, we could have something great together. The problem that I'm having is I can't get over our friendship and the loss of that. I'm living with the regret of taking our relationship to the physical level, wondering if I had never allowed it, we might still be in each others lives. I care about him a lot, and I miss him. More than the physical part of our relationship, I miss my best friend. I know that he needs time to figure things out, and I'm giving him that. I also know that his ex gf and I cannot both exist in his universe, and ultimately he'll have to make a choice on which one of us he wants in his life.

 

Has anyone else dealt with a situation like this?

[melancholy123]

He has made his decisions, with getting a new job and going back to the other gf. Time for you to stop living in the past and dwelling on the "what ifs." You'll heal faster is you block him from being able to contact you and you should not contact him. You had good times but they are over now and so you must move on.

[Wiseman2]

Try not to have regrets. It's not your fault he went back to his ex. Sounds like he was a great coworker/friend but a lousy romantic candidate. His departure from the company would have created distance either way. You had very little control over his actions or this outcome.

[MissAnthropy84]

He has made his decisions, with getting a new job and going back to the other gf. Time for you to stop living in the past and dwelling on the "what ifs." You'll heal faster is you block him from being able to contact you and you should not contact him. You had good times but they are over now and so you must move on.

 

As far as I know he hasn't gotten back with his ex since we broke up. It was just last year, when they were still living together that that happened. But I know he is still working through the feelings and emotions of that break up, as well as ours, which has him in a (understandably) confused place.

[Jibralta]

Sounds like him leaving was probably the best thing for both of you. It's hard to break ties when you work in close quarters. I think you should stay no-contact at least until you stop pining over the relationship you hope to one day have with him. May take months. Distract yourself and bolster your support system by learning to develop more friendships.

[ConfusedGirl7]

Out stories are very similar. I miss my best friend too. I thought we had the best time, makes me sad if I was the only one who thought that. He always wanted me around n it seemed like he was happy w me. I don't get why people end a relationship just to drag another persons heart in it just to return to a relationship that's not working. I'm really angry w my ex bc he always told me how happy n lucky he was. Why lie if your not. He lied and made me think everything was perfect just to break my heart a couple days later. He comes back n then gets distant again. He told me he really missed me n he never missed his ex n then goes back to her. Why even say any of that? It's so stupid. N when he just stopped talking to me I asked if he could tell me why he said to be honest...... Yea right.,,. I want to focus on my relationship w God, n he said since he got back w me he stopped focusing on the bible n what not. He's going to church m everything w his ex. She would always text him when we were together. She would send him bible verses n wat not. I feel like she manipulated him. His grandpa died last year n he was like his dad. But I guess If he can get manipulated that easy then I don't want someone like that,I want someone who will be happy to be with me n to be sure. Sucks bc I really liked him. I feel like for the first time I was falling n love n he ended it n I didn't know what to do with all those feelings that remained. It still hurts to think I let my walls down n brought him into my life n me just being myself n nothing was good enough for him. I wasn't good enough for him. Sad thing is I was so happy n even though I know no one is perfect he was perfect to me. And I had only eyes for him. I literally wrk w all men n I didn't see anyone but him.it hurts but it's getting better. There's getter out there bc their are men who have eyes for only their women n I want someone to love me the way I loved him bc he surely didn't. If he did he would t have thought twice about his ex. How hurtful to get someone's hopes up just to not try, to just give up n go back to someone your not happy w. If your happy w someone you don't leave them n pursue a new relationship. Lesson learned. He has no loyalty.

[MissAnthropy84]

Out stories are very similar. I miss my best friend too. I thought we had the best time, makes me sad if I was the only one who thought that. He always wanted me around n it seemed like he was happy w me. I don't get why people end a relationship just to drag another persons heart in it just to return to a relationship that's not working. I'm really angry w my ex bc he always told me how happy n lucky he was. Why lie if your not. He lied and made me think everything was perfect just to break my heart a couple days later. He comes back n then gets distant again. He told me he really missed me n he never missed his ex n then goes back to her. Why even say any of that? It's so stupid. N when he just stopped talking to me I asked if he could tell me why he said to be honest...... Yea right.,,. I want to focus on my relationship w God, n he said since he got back w me he stopped focusing on the bible n what not. He's going to church m everything w his ex. She would always text him when we were together. She would send him bible verses n wat not. I feel like she manipulated him. His grandpa died last year n he was like his dad. But I guess If he can get manipulated that easy then I don't want someone like that,I want someone who will be happy to be with me n to be sure. Sucks bc I really liked him. I feel like for the first time I was falling n love n he ended it n I didn't know what to do with all those feelings that remained. It still hurts to think I let my walls down n brought him into my life n me just being myself n nothing was good enough for him. I wasn't good enough for him. Sad thing is I was so happy n even though I know no one is perfect he was perfect to me. And I had only eyes for him. I literally wrk w all men n I didn't see anyone but him.it hurts but it's getting better. There's getter out there bc their are men who have eyes for only their women n I want someone to love me the way I loved him bc he surely didn't. If he did he would t have thought twice about his ex. How hurtful to get someone's hopes up just to not try, to just give up n go back to someone your not happy w. If your happy w someone you don't leave them n pursue a new relationship. Lesson learned. He has no loyalty.

 

I've learned a lot about our "relationship" (I don't even refer to us being in a relationship anymore because it was so short lived and he wasn't fully invested) since our time apart, and as hard as it's been, I can see now with clearer eyes that it needed to happen for me to see how things wouldn't have worked out in the long run for us with him being in his current situation. I've accepted the fact that I was a rebound and as much as he tells me "she was a terrible girlfriend" those lingering issues of codependency won't just disappear overnight. I haven't seen him in almost two months and I guess the reason why its been so hard for me is the fact that we didn't leave on poor terms. In fact, the last night I saw him we hugged a long time and he kissed me unexpectedly. We hadn't had any physical contact since the "break-up" 2 months before so it took me by surprise. But then he practically ghosted. He sent me a text a few weeks later just "hey im doing good blah blah" but he never responded to any text I sent after. After the third ignored text, I gave up. That was like 3 weeks ago. I've slowly gotten to the point where I'm starting to feeling indifferent about whether I hear from him, but it hasn't been easy. He still pops into my head several times a day and I find myself wondering if texts alerts are from him, but it's getting less and less, and it doesn't hurt any more when I think of him. I can only assume that the reason why he isn't talking to me is because of her, but at this point its only speculation. I don't know if he'll ever reach out and I'm not going to hold my breath. But it would be nice to talk to him and catch up. We were very close not that long ago...

[ConfusedGirl7]

Yea it hurts. I wrk w my ex n I see him n I want to

Talk to him n hug him but I'm so mad at him. I don't want to excuse what he did to me. He wasn't honest n he didn't have to lie. I would of respected him n left him alone if I know he still had feelings for his ex. I just hate that he would of lead me on. I only found at bc a guy at my job told me he was w his ex. That hurts so bad. One thing I loved most about him was I thought he was so honest. Looking back I guess I was just do in love I was blind n dumb. That's what love does to us sometimes unfortunately. But you seem like your being really strong. Glad to know your showing him you don't need him.

[MissAnthropy84]

Yea it hurts. I wrk w my ex n I see him n I want to

Talk to him n hug him but I'm so mad at him. I don't want to excuse what he did to me. He wasn't honest n he didn't have to lie. I would of respected him n left him alone if I know he still had feelings for his ex. I just hate that he would of lead me on. I only found at bc a guy at my job told me he was w his ex. That hurts so bad. One thing I loved most about him was I thought he was so honest. Looking back I guess I was just do in love I was blind n dumb. That's what love does to us sometimes unfortunately. But you seem like your being really strong. Glad to know your showing him you don't need him.

 

Part of me wishes we still worked together so at least we could see each other. But if he hasn't really reached out since he left, perhaps the friendship wasn't as important as I was lead to believe. When he left the job, it was like going through the breakup all over again. I don't feel very strong, I guess on the outside. But it has been a long difficult struggle and it's left me kind of depressed to be honest

[ConfusedGirl7]

I'm so sorry. Maybe it's all a blessing we just can't see right now, a lesson learned. It does suck though rn to care for someone who seems as if they don't care when we care so much, but at the same time we don't really know how they feel or what they are going through. There's just so many unanswered questions.

[Annia]

Sometimes it's good that they don't contact us so that we can heal and totally move on.