I get mad over little things and I'm not really sure how to change or control it

[kparrow12]

My fiancé and I have been together for about a year now and maybe it's just a comfortability thing but I find myself getting annoyed at him for little things that shouldn't even bother me at all. It's not just him though it's been bfs in the past too. Idk how to control it or even talk myself down from it in the moment but I don't want to be the person who gets mad over dumb stuff. I just mentally cannot help it. How do I stop this or control it? Any advise will help.

[Wiseman2]

Physical activity. Work out, take a walk, get in shape, blow off steam. Also take yoga or meditation classes to learn relaxation techniques..

 

Have hobbies activities and interests to shift your focus and concentrate on. Volunteer, maybe with an animal shelter. Develop compassion and perspective that way.

 

Pick your battles. Downshift and ask yourself "Is this important?".

I just mentally cannot help it.

[JaggerJim]

You need to work on your controlling behaviour.

[Batya33]

This is about choosing love -choosing to give to the other person. So, you do the work. Each time you feel irritated you force yourself to do whatever it takes -a mantra like "calm yourself down" or visualizing the numbers 1 to 10 slowly, or whatever -find your trick so that you keep calm and your mouth shut. It's really hard. I've been doing that for months so I can be a better parent to my young child. I want him to have a more even-keeled environment and that starts with me. And it's hard. Oh and it's not about being "sweet" instead -just - polite. pleasant. neutral is fine too.

 

Life-changing example this morning having to do with my type B spouse (I am type A, all the way). I was about to leave, finally, to go exercise while he took our son to school. And he says "oh can I tell you just one thing?". And I self-talked -reminded myself that today is an important day in his father's life (who died last year), that I am not up against a deadline at work, that he is worth the time. It ended up not being just one thing -it was a cute story about a Star Trek episode and how it reminded him of our relationship. I am not a big Star Trek fan but he is. But I stopped what I was doing (racing out the door), gave him eye contact the whole time, swallowed my urge to tell him to get to the point. And he smiled and appreciated it. And it helped me see that you have to walk the walk -it's not about just telling yourself your partner is important or "I want to act kinder" -it's about doing it. Every Single Day. Every time you are hangry, tired, irritated - the hardest times are the test.

 

Oh and make sure you do your best to self-care -enough sleep, no hangriness (hungry and cranky stuff), and being able to take space and ask for it nicely so that you don't build up resentment.

[melancholy123]

Think before you open your mouth.

[kparrow12]

Think before you open your mouth.

 

Gee why didn't I think of that really?

[Ear4you]

The good part of your post is that you are aware that you are doing this, and that you are willing to take responsibility for your responses. Until you get on top of this completely, maybe you need to just say sorry after any runaway incidents?

 

When reading your post a few questions came to mind: e.g. does this just happen with your fiance, or do you react the same way to family and friends?

 

Stress can lead to intolerance with others, so are you carrying a lot of stress at the moment? If stress is a problem, google will find lots of advice on how to manage stress. "Mindfulness" is currently a popular form of simple meditation that can be helpful with dealing with the stresses of everyday life.

 

You use the term "comfortability", which makes me wonder if this didn't happen in the early days of the relationship?

 

Relationships often start on a high and go through a 'honeymoon' period, which can last anywhere between 12 months to two years. As the highs of romance cool off a bit, we may see partners in a more realistic light. Things that were brushed over as 'cute idiosyncrasies' in the early days of the relationship can become REALLY ANNOYING!!! In the reality of the cool light of day, we realise that our wonderful soul-mate is 'only human' after all, and has many imperfections. Could this be a factor with your attitude to your partner at the moment? Is there a part of you that feels somewhat disappointed?

 

Another possibility that comes to mind is whether you have been let down in some way by your current partner, or perhaps by a previous partner? If you are feeling angry deep down about some past event, with your fiance, or perhaps a previous partner, then maybe that unresolved anger, or insecurity, is fueling your sense of criticism and intolerance with your current partner?

 

I'm aware that I am raising questions rather than providing answers to your issue, but maybe you need to go through such a process to fully understand the way you are feeling towards your fiance?

 

If this continues to be a problem for you, and it begins to damage your relationship, I would urge you to talk to someone about it sooner rather than later - perhaps a relationship counsellor. If you feel able to talk to your fiance, then maybe that will help too. If you feel that is too risky, then it might be a good idea to start the process with a counsellor, and then involve your fiance a little later on.

[kparrow12]

The good part of your post is that you are aware that you are doing this, and that you are willing to take responsibility for your responses. Until you get on top of this completely, maybe you need to just say sorry after any runaway incidents?

 

When reading your post a few questions came to mind: e.g. does this just happen with your fiance, or do you react the same way to family and friends?

 

Stress can lead to intolerance with others, so are you carrying a lot of stress at the moment? If stress is a problem, google will find lots of advice on how to manage stress. "Mindfulness" is currently a popular form of simple meditation that can be helpful with dealing with the stresses of everyday life.

 

You use the term "comfortability", which makes me wonder if this didn't happen in the early days of the relationship?

 

Relationships often start on a high and go through a 'honeymoon' period, which can last anywhere between 12 months to two years. As the highs of romance cool off a bit, we may see partners in a more realistic light. Things that were brushed over as 'cute idiosyncrasies' in the early days of the relationship can become REALLY ANNOYING!!! In the reality of the cool light of day, we realise that our wonderful soul-mate is 'only human' after all, and has many imperfections. Could this be a factor with your attitude to your partner at the moment? Is there a part of you that feels somewhat disappointed?

 

Another possibility that comes to mind is whether you have been let down in some way by your current partner, or perhaps by a previous partner? If you are feeling angry deep down about some past event, with your fiance, or perhaps a previous partner, then maybe that unresolved anger, or insecurity, is fueling your sense of criticism and intolerance with your current partner?

 

I'm aware that I am raising questions rather than providing answers to your issue, but maybe you need to go through such a process to fully understand the way you are feeling towards your fiance?

 

If this continues to be a problem for you, and it begins to damage your relationship, I would urge you to talk to someone about it sooner rather than later - perhaps a relationship counsellor. If you feel able to talk to your fiance, then maybe that will help too. If you feel that is too risky, then it might be a good idea to start the process with a counsellor, and then involve your fiance a little later on.

 

I am so thankful for your comment you have no idea. And I saw two things you said to be very accurate towards me. The first one being anger because of incidents from the past or being let down by people in the past. I think that comes with trust issues but yes that did happen to me. And I think somewhat of what you said about certain things being cute in the beginning are just annoying to me now. But that doesn't mean I don't love him I just am not in honeymoon phase anymore with him. Like the hanging all over me and being super clingy was reassuring and comforting in the beginning because it showed me that he cared and I had nothing to worry about (which is exactly what I wanted and needed in the beginning because I was still hurt and scared over a previous relationship) and now it's annoying and overbearing! I do not like the kisses every five minutes and the constant need to lay all over me every time I sit down or lay in bed and the I love yous 46362728463 times a day! It's too much! Is that normal? I definitely do not mean to be insensitive because I love him with all my heart. He's my best friend, my soul mate, my bf, my fiancé and my future husband but how is all of that not old to him?

[Ear4you]

I am so thankful for your comment you have no idea. And I saw two things you said to be very accurate towards me. The first one being anger because of incidents from the past or being let down by people in the past. I think that comes with trust issues but yes that did happen to me. And I think somewhat of what you said about certain things being cute in the beginning are just annoying to me now. But that doesn't mean I don't love him I just am not in honeymoon phase anymore with him. Like the hanging all over me and being super clingy was reassuring and comforting in the beginning because it showed me that he cared and I had nothing to worry about (which is exactly what I wanted and needed in the beginning because I was still hurt and scared over a previous relationship) and now it's annoying and overbearing! I do not like the kisses every five minutes and the constant need to lay all over me every time I sit down or lay in bed and the I love yous 46362728463 times a day! It's too much! Is that normal? I definitely do not mean to be insensitive because I love him with all my heart. He's my best friend, my soul mate, my bf, my fiancé and my future husband but how is all of that not old to him?

 

Good to hear that you are clear on how you feel deep down about your fiance. When couples come through and out of the honeymoon phase they need to reassess their relationship, and sometimes, one, or maybe both partners, realise that the reality is that they were in love with their idealised image of the person, rather than the person they now see before them. But you're not saying that. What I see in your post is that you need room to grow in the relationship? Your partner has been there for you, and provided a lot of loving support - perhaps he saw your need for this in the early stages of the relationship. However, with time, your needs (or at least some of them) have changed? So now you need to communicate (up-date) to him what your needs are now?

 

Friction in a relationship can serve the function of creating distance: in your case perhaps its about having "room to breathe", i.e. you need enough space to move on to the next phase of the relationship. Your fiance could easily be confused by the signals you are giving him now. For example, perhaps he reads your critical responses as a need for more closeness and comfort, and so instead of allowing you 'space to breathe', he moves in even closer? While doing the very best he can to be a good partner, he may, quite unwittingly, be setting up a negative cycle, or dynamic, between you?

 

If I'm on the right track, then the key to your issue is going to be: good communication. People change, and situations change, all the time, and the secret of maintaining a healthy relationship is, without a doubt: good communication. In other words, you and he need to do some serious talking. However, first of all, I think you may need to assess how much your fiance: 'needs to be the way he is with you'. Does he have a need to: "look after you", which may be a bit too close for comfort at times? Some people might say: 'hey, this is a really good problem to have!' But too much of a good thing can lead to the opposite effect of what is intended. So while you do need to be sensitive to your fiance's needs when discussing this, don't feel bad about asking for more room to be yourself in the relationship. Perhaps he needs clear feedback from you to reassure him that he is communicating his love for you in ways that you appreciate?

 

If you want to develop more insight into what I've written here, I recommend googling for sites that explain: "Transactional Analysis", also known as "TA", or "PAC".

 

Nurturing in a relationship is so much of what love is all about. However, getting it right and matching it to another's needs can be tricky. TA has some very insightful explanations about the pitfalls that can arise when nurturing becomes: 'too close for comfort', and why: "looking after" someone can trigger archaic feelings that get reawoken in the here and now, and so produce problems.

 

A really good introduction to TA is a little book called: "I'm OK, You're OK". As with most things, google will find.

[Wiseman2]

Don't bring your exes with you into future relationships. Deal with your son's father and all the issues with that and stop pushing the step-daddy thing with him. Focus on being a couple before being an insta-family.

 

Also to bridge the gap as far as quality time, affection and communication this may help.

 

Take this quiz: Discover your Love Language

 

And read this book: The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts

I do not like the kisses every five minutes and the constant need to lay all over me every time I sit down or lay in bed and the I love yous 46362728463 times a day! It's too much!

[thornz]

In past relationships, when this has been the case with me it's because my partner and I are incompatible. I'm glad you've recognised this as a problem but I'm afraid the issue might not be your anger but your compatibility.

[Generica]

Think i missed the marked. Deleted. Bad advice.