Fast Relationship - Unexpected Behaviour

[petemcr]

Hey guys,

 

Has anyone got any input on the situation I'm in at the moment.

 

I've been going out with this girl for 3 months now, everything is still going good but, after a month of us going out she confessed even though it was too soon that she loved me and hadn't felt like this about anyone in a long time, her friend has also commented to me about it.

 

BUT, first night we made it official (I wasn't really bothered about putting it on Social media) we had a bit of a to do as she was openly flirting with the driver on the way home, was pretty awkward but we got past it. The problem I have, despite her being an amazing girl, I couldn't ask for a more perfect fit as we get on great, I have noticed she checks guys out in front of me, also acts distant while they're around then when they go she's back to being all over me, and noticed her checking a guy out last night when we went out and smiled his way with the whole, biting her bottom lip thing.

 

I am in debate to bring this up with her, she's really happy with me which I can tell, but it doesn't feel right considering she wants us to be serious, I would be more happy if it was casual but considering how much she's pushed it.

 

Opinions Advice welcome

[limichelle]

If you want things casual and are annoyed by her open flirtation, then just break things off with her. To be honest she doesn't sound that amazing if she is openly flirting, she is playing mind games with you. Sounds like this is an incompatible and immature relationship.

 

Lisa

[petemcr]

Well, that's what I thought, I'm not sure if i'm miss reading it as being that though, I mean I don't want it to be casual, I'm happy with it being a serious relationship, we've talked about our future together and it sounds great, I don't know if I'm being too worried OR if she is just playing games and trying to do it to get a reaction.

 

I'm debating speaking to her about it and giving her a fair chance, just say look I've observed it, I'm fine with it because I'm not jealous but I can't see myself being with someone in a serious relationship if that's happening.

 

I give her plenty of space, when she goes on a night out with her mates I just leave her too it all night, not exactly the "checking in on you" kind of guy, so that might not be helping, she might think I'm not interested.

 

Thanks for the advice though

[Wiseman2]

Scale things back. You can't change her and if she's a chronic flirt being rude when you go out, etc., watch this red flag.

 

If she starts doing it, tell her you are wrapping it up and need to go home. Is she playing games trying to make you jealous or get attention from men?

I've been going out with this girl for 3 months now. I have noticed she checks guys out in front of me, also acts distant while they're around then when they go she's back to being all over me, and noticed her checking a guy out last night when we went out.I would be more happy if it was casual but considering how much she's pushed it.

[petemcr]

Would you call this rude though, or am I reading in to this wrong

 

case in point

 

We go snowboarding together, she's still new to it and is learning, but she noticed two of the guys who were pretty good and pointed them out to me, so I thought nothing of it, we carried out, anyways on the way up to the top one goes past and did a "trick" in front of her, so I catch her looking, she starts to smile and starts to bite her lip

 

now, I read this as her checking him out, now this was a couple of feet in front of me, it may sound childish I know but I read that as, hey he's hot and made no effort to hide it from me.

[Wiseman2]

No this is nonsense. PUA "signs" are BS. And yes people watch other people doing things. This sounds more like insecurity and pointless jealousy. Stop "reading the signs" and get a grip and get her some chapstick if she chronically bites her lips.

on the way up to the top one goes past and did a "trick" in front of her, so I catch her looking, she starts to smile and starts to bite her lip I read this as her checking him out

[petemcr]

Are you referring to the "pick up community" then by the PUA?

 

Do you consider these to be rubbish then?

 

This is my concern, I don't want to mess things up with a good nice girl just purely by miss reading in to things.

[Wiseman2]

Yes you are reading "signs" that are rubbish and letting it make you look like an insecure low confidence creep.

 

What next? She 'twirls her hair" and you fly into a jealous rage?

Are you referring to the "pick up community" then by the PUA?Do you consider these to be rubbish then? This is my concern, I don't want to mess things up with a good nice girl just purely by miss reading in to things.

[petemcr]

There's no jealous rage here, I'm not flipping out as more is it something to be concerned about, I've never been jealous with her but you are right, it is information that I've seen online.

 

Sounds like it has rubbed you up the wrong way a little though.

[katrina1980]

Agree with Wiseman2, my advice is whether she is seeking a reaction or not just ignore it and pay it no mind. I think you are reaching because you are insecure which is okay, we all get insecure when we start dating someone we like. I am mch like her very friendly with people men and women. I sometimes talk to cab drivers, uber drivers, cashiers at the market even. My fiancé knows this about me and pays it no mind, he doesn't interpret it as me flirting. He is the same, he talks to everyone! Even more than I do, it's fine just his personality. I think when you get to know her better, her personality will become more clear to you but for now just ignore it and whatever you do, do not react or show insecurity or paranoia about it, kiss of death.

[Wiseman2]

Agree. That info is as stupid as women looking up 'signs of a player' and being told 'he asks female waitresses for the check and then says thank you'.

I've never been jealous with her but you are right, it is information that I've seen online.

[DancingFool]

If she is blatantly hitting on other guys in your face and actively trying to make you jealous or trying to get their numbers, hook up with them, etc, then it's inappropriate and you should spare yourself some pain by dumping her now and moving on.

 

However, the examples that you are giving are coming across more like you are a bit hyper sensitive to her so much as looking at another person. What I mean is that if someone attractive walks by, we all human beings are going to notice and look. Not oggle, but look and that's normal. The skiing example, again if someone is really good at something, it's OK to pay attention. It's how we learn to become better ourselves. You seem to be taking everything as "omg she is flirting and wants that other guy", so it does read as you being very insecure about things.

 

Btw, things like twirling hair, biting lips, other assorted little gestures does not equal flirting. We all have little compulsive habits that we do that have nothing to do with anything other then habitual gesture. Please spare yourself the pop psych bs of if they do this it means that. It's just not that black and white if you try to apply that kind of over simplified interpretation to people's gestures, you will end up losing your mind.

[coconut5]

I have been with a guy who accused me of openly flirting with others while with him. It was not true. He was insecure and I became very uncomfortable with the situation. Eventually I chose to leave him because of those behaviors.

[petemcr]

Thanks for all the advice guys, I really do appreciate it because I honestly don't want to mess things up with this girl. I'm just not sure what to do now, I did get out of a nasty relationship and I'm scared of ending up in the same situation again, I will admit though I am a sucker for watching them kind of videos, not just the PUA ones but also pop psyche stuff as well in attempt to help.

 

What am I best to do now, to not mess things up, prior to us becoming serious I was just enjoying my time with her and it made everything go great, I'd like to just get back to that

[DancingFool]

Thanks for all the advice guys, I really do appreciate it because I honestly don't want to mess things up with this girl. I'm just not sure what to do now, I did get out of a nasty relationship and I'm scared of ending up in the same situation again, I will admit though I am a sucker for watching them kind of videos, not just the PUA ones but also pop psyche stuff as well in attempt to help.

 

What am I best to do now, to not mess things up, prior to us becoming serious I was just enjoying my time with her and it made everything go great, I'd like to just get back to that

 

Try to work hard on leaving that baggage from the past behind you. Remember that each new person is a blank slate - they are not clones of your ex. Also, understand that if you don't like how things are going, you are ALWAYS free to dump her and walk away immediately. Nobody is holding a gun to your head making you stay around in a nasty situation. Part of dealing with baggage is accepting responsibility for your own part and choices in that and understanding that you can make different choices literally at any time.

 

PUA and pop pscyh might be entertaining to watch, but please please for the love of, don't ever take that stuff seriously or try to apply to your life. You will wreck yourself instead of helping. If you really want help, there is always counseling, life coaches and also decent self help books that are written by more qualified psychiatrists. Personally, I think that if you need a sounding board for how you are interpreting things, then it's better to go to a person than just a self help book. Never ever seek advice from con artists, which is what the PUA guys are.

[Careerchoice]

Dude, set boundaries. Let your feelings be known. If you see her flirting with some guy in front of you, there is nothing unreasonable with saying "we're together in a serious relationship and that means not flirting with or check out other guys. If you do it again, we have to end." Why run at the first bump in the relationship? Why hold everything in?

[petemcr]

Dude, set boundaries. Let your feelings be known. If you see her flirting with some guy in front of you, there is nothing unreasonable with saying "we're together in a serious relationship and that means not flirting with or check out other guys. If you do it again, we have to end." Why run at the first bump in the relationship? Why hold everything in?

 

Can I say to her though, don't check out other guys

 

I was going to ask her what her opinion is on the subject, just ask if she thinks it's alright to check out other people while we're together to see what her opinion is, I mean she might not think it's a big deal where I view it as being a invite to other guys to hit on her, and is disrespectful and just see what she says.

[Careerchoice]

Can I say to her though, don't check out other guys

 

I was going to ask her what her opinion is on the subject, just ask if she thinks it's alright to check out other people while we're together to see what her opinion is, I mean she might not think it's a big deal where I view it as being a invite to other guys to hit on her, and is disrespectful and just see what she says.

That's what I would say. If you're afraid of sounding too controlling, say " I don't like you checking out other guys. If you keep doing that, we can't stay together anymore." Why be so tentative about it?

[petemcr]

It's not sounding controlling, I mean I don't want her to feel like she can't do something, if she's out with her friends I don't care, I just leave her alone on a night out because I trust her and I know she probably does check out guys, that's fine.

 

It's more in front of me, I don't feel like I should need to change her or discuss it, more just making sure we're a good suit together, if that makes sense

[Wiseman2]

Passive-aggressive rhetorical questions like this are as transparent as plastic wrap. No, you can't look like a fool and tell her 'don't look at other guys it makes me jealous' which is what this thinly veiled 'discussion' will come off as.

I was going to ask her what her opinion is on the subject, just ask if she thinks it's alright to check out other people while we're together to see what her opinion is

[Careerchoice]

It's more in front of me, I don't feel like I should need to change her or discuss it, more just making sure we're a good suit together, if that makes sense

No, people aren't mind readers. Expecting to find someone who knows your every thought without you talking about it in advance is an unrealistic expectation. You'll never find someone who can do that.

 

And ask her what she would like you to do when she does something that makes you feel a certain way. I promise you that she'll tell you she wants you to say something to her.

[petemcr]

Passive-aggressive rhetorical questions like this are as transparent as plastic wrap. No, you can't look like a fool and tell her 'don't look at other guys it makes me jealous' which is what this thinly veiled 'discussion' will come off as.

 

Is there any way of doing it without it becoming an argument, am I best just leaving it be and then if something actually happens that warrants a discussion bring it up then?

[reinventmyself]

Take in the advice given here and rethink the situation before you come up with a plan to confront her.

You admit that you might be wrong.

Hold out until you know better.

[Wiseman2]

If after only 3 mos of dating you can't handle her 'lip biting" and other paranoid "signs" she's flirting you need to end it not imprison her with your insecurities and bizarre PUA theories and "signs".

 

Work on your self confidence instead. Work out, get in shape, update your image, clothes, haircut. Join clubs and groups, volunteer, take classes, learn stuff, become interesting inside and out.

Is there any way of doing it without it becoming an argument, am I best just leaving it be and then if something actually happens that warrants a discussion bring it up then?

[petemcr]

If after only 3 mos of dating you can't handle her 'lip biting" and other paranoid "signs" she's flirting you need to end it not imprison her with your insecurities and bizarre PUA theories and "signs".

 

Work on your self confidence instead. Work out, get in shape, update your image, clothes, haircut. Join clubs and groups, volunteer, take classes, learn stuff, become interesting inside and out.

 

That's exactly what I did prior to meeting her, I still workout.

 

I think you've got the wrong impression about what it is actually happening, I'm not having arguments or telling her she can and can not do anything, prior to us meeting I worked up my confidence again and was fine, it only seems to be when I am in a relationship so I don't think ending it would be right, plus she has told me she would be crushed if we ever broke up and I don't plan on hurting her.

 

I just need to work on it while I'm with her and get over everything, otherwise I will just go back to being single, build my confidence up again and end up in the same situation a year or two down the line.