Fix it or walk away

[kudos]

So I'm back here again!

I was here almost 2 years ago and this forum was awesome for helping me recover. Oh and by the way.... He never came back. No contact will be 2 years in August! And they now have a son.

Onto my next break up! 😣

 

I'm a recent pre- army deployment dumpee and don't know if I should try harder or walk away. Sorry it is so long!

 

Me and my (now ex) DB had been dating for 8 months (5 of which have been long distance but still in the uk). We were still in early days and hadn't been rushing things as both had been hurt badly in previous relationship but things were good (so I thought). He hadnt expressed any concerns about us and although there was a bit of tension sometimes about time we got to spend together we always got on well when together. We are quite different people but it seemed to work. The distance had put a bit of strain on us and trying to fit a relationship into one day a week was hard as I'm very busy too but in my mind it was worth it. We spoke on the phone most nights and saw each other whenever he was home.

 

Before we met he had planned to go back into the army, he has been in most of his working life but left to 'settle down' a few years ago but things didn't work out. A few months into dating he moved to start his training, he came home most weekends I visited him for dinner nights. A few months into training he was told he would be posted to Germany. I found this difficult but he promised he would be back most weekends and it wouldn't be much different so I supported him the best I could and talked about our concerns. I had heard through friends however that this was one of his first choices! He then found out he was to be deployed shortly after that for 7 months but again reassured me it would be ok as he thought he would get regular weekend leave and I could go and visit in a nearby city. He then found out this probably wouldn't be the case. He had left for germany and we had been chatting most nights but when he was back on leave he was putting a lot of pressure on me to spend more time with him which I was really trying to do but work was crazy. We had our first fall out over this as he felt I wasn't taking his deployment seriously and felt I was replacing him with work (I took on more work to keep me busy when he was away). We talked about this and I realised I was burying my head in the sand and promised to try harder.

 

After this things were going great. We spent lots more time together, date nights etc but he didn't seem to be quite as into me as normal (he's normally quite full on and needy). However he had never said i love you but used to say it in his actions and constant compliments.

 

He insisted on meeting up with me one evening a week before he deployed. He helped me finish my work and I absolutely love having him there and made that clear to him. I then tried to make plans for the weekend, just before he deployed and he said we needed to talk. Long story short, he dumped me, said he is beating himself up about not being able to say he loves me, and struggles to see a future for us. I tried to talk it through but was upset and ended up walking away.

 

That night I had a sleepless night and thought a lot about us. I realised I hadn't been very supportive and realised I was more interested in how I was going to cope than how I could support him. My communication had been poor but his hadn't been great. I also realised that I was protecting myself all along for something like this and hadn't been as open or committed as I could have been but in some ways I'm glad I protected myself. I sent a long message to him explaining this and he replied that It ment the world to him that I was thinking about all this.

 

I left it a few days to clear my head and let him have space then asked to meet up. We talked about it, he was quite blunt that he didn't love me and he didn't know why and it wasn't fair for me to wait. He's worried about slotting back in on his return in 7 months and that we are very different people and he can't see a future. He is religious i am not, we both are very committed to our work which pulls us apart sometimes. Hes very sensible about life, im not! He reassured me that I hadn't done anything wrong and that we just weren't a match. Which meant a lot to me as im very hard on myself. I asked if we could still talk and he said whatever makes it easier for me to get over him. We were both balling our eyes out by the end and hugged, thanked and wished each other well before leaving. He broke down as we hugged as I drove away he was crying more than I've ever seen someone cry! But this may just be that he didn't want to hurt me.

The night before he left for deployment I text him telling him good luck with everything and not to feel bad about anything as I was feeling a bit better about it and know he did the right thing. I said I was always at the end of the phone if he was struggling. He replied saying thanks so much and that makes him feel lots better. That he will try not to bother me with his moaning and only had Facebook or WhatsApp over there. I didn't reply as had removed him in fb to avoid upsetting myself more if I see him with someone else but feel bad now.

I don't really know what answers I'm looking for here. I don't want to break my heart more by trying to force something that isn't there. But I thought we had a good thing! Is this all because he is stressed before deployment or does he genuinely not love me and i need to walk away and move on. I've lost a good guy here!

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. It seems a LDR was not fair to you or him so he needed to end it.

 

Plus he saw many incompatibilities that wouldn't work out long term.

 

Also not being able to say ILY is a red flag. He didn't want to string you along.

just before he deployed and he said we needed to talk. he dumped me, said he is beating himself up about not being able to say he loves me, and struggles to see a future for us. we are very different people and he can't see a future. He is religious i am not.

[Keyman]

I think it's for the best. While it hurts, I do see that you are both different people. But would you rather stuggle on only to find that things still don't work out 2 years further on. Again I think this is the best thing.

 

Based on what I have read, it would be preferable for you to have someone that is closer to you on a regular basis. LDR can be a difficult thing and it can be only natural to protect yourself, so I do not think you were in the wrong here at all. Your need to fill in the gaps with more work, shows that you do want someone nearby and close that you can give your attention to on a regular basis.

 

it sounds like he has been struggling with the same thing and this shows in his inability to commit in any way.

 

Move on and find yourself someone more local that intends to stay that way for a while.

 

 

bah, pipped at the post by Wiseman again!

[kudos]

Thank you. I think deep down I know this. I've got through harder break ups so I'm sure I will this one. But I've never had someone break up with me so kindly. It's almost makes it harder that he was so nice about it! I can't even hate him!

[catfeeder]

There isn't anything you need to fix. Most people are just not our match. When we can grasp that, it's liberating, because it means we don't need to attempt pretzels to try and force a fit between two people who just aren't in alignment.

 

It helps me to think of singles as carrying around a puzzle piece and meeting up with people to see if those fit. When they don't, neither 'needs' to be at fault. We all view the world and one another through unique lenses. Rejection just means that someone doesn't own the capacity to 'see' and appreciate your unique value. That speaks of their limits rather than of any deficiency in you.

 

So nothing is 'wrong' with you just because you don't match someone who isn't right for you, either. When the train doesn't stop at your station, it just not your train.

 

Head high.

[kudos]

Thank you cat feeder. I remember you from before. Your words are very kind and much appreciated. X