Waraqqa Posted April 3, 2017 Share Posted April 3, 2017 I knew I should've cut it long time ago, but lingered around in hope. The initial/earlier love memories of him were so strong, and my brain just couldn't process his change of heart, it was a huge cognitive dissonance. Gradually, I understood I have to close the door and walk away. There was nothing more to wait for. He was just being friendly. I mailed what I meant to be a good-bye gift (items that were waiting for him for many months) and was ready to cut the cord. Very unexpectedly, he told me he's getting me a gift also (expensive one). So, my stupid stupid mind took it as a sign of hope. That was the reason I agreed to it- I'm not sure I would've otherwise. Now it's on the way (by post), probably in a week or so I might get it. I should've asked first. When finally I asked yesterday, he said no, it was only as a friend, a sign of caring friendship. A terribly awkward discussion, I felt like a total fool and was stumbling all over the place. It made him feel awkward also. Exposed my unrequited feelings to him just as he was comfortable in the friendship and feeling safe from my "advances". Now I have to wait till his gift arrives. Then I have to politely say thank you for the gift and feign excitement. He put a lot of thought into it, I don't want to be ungrateful. In reality, I don't want to keep anything from him, I don't want another "anchor", however cool the gift gadget may be. The whole thing with gifts is just too much. I wanted to give my gift as an unconditional one, to non-verbally communicate something nice and then leave. Of course, he didn't know it - b/c I wanted to disappear quietly, without all those painful awkward discussions. I shouldn't have asked him anything directly yesterday. It's a horrible awkward memory. I should've declined the gift as soon as he told me *before* he ordered. Of course, he'd be puzzled and offended. - Or I should've asked openly THEN and not after he'd already sent it. Or should I have done smth else? My problem is I can't think on my feet. I never seem to be able to, and hence make awkward weird situations. What is wrong with me? I generally know when it's time to leave, but I don't know *how*, and these little things get me all confused and entangled. I'd like to leave well - somehow kindly, but with dignity. I don't know how to achieve it till after the fact. Link to comment
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