Hooks preventing moving on, awkwardness makes it harder

[Waraqqa]

I knew I should've cut it long time ago, but lingered around in hope. The initial/earlier love memories of him were so strong, and my brain just couldn't process his change of heart, it was a huge cognitive dissonance.

 

Gradually, I understood I have to close the door and walk away. There was nothing more to wait for. He was just being friendly.

 

I mailed what I meant to be a good-bye gift (items that were waiting for him for many months) and was ready to cut the cord.

 

Very unexpectedly, he told me he's getting me a gift also (expensive one). So, my stupid stupid mind took it as a sign of hope. That was the reason I agreed to it- I'm not sure I would've otherwise. Now it's on the way (by post), probably in a week or so I might get it. I should've asked first. When finally I asked yesterday, he said no, it was only as a friend, a sign of caring friendship. A terribly awkward discussion, I felt like a total fool and was stumbling all over the place. It made him feel awkward also. Exposed my unrequited feelings to him just as he was comfortable in the friendship and feeling safe from my "advances".

 

Now I have to wait till his gift arrives. Then I have to politely say thank you for the gift and feign excitement. He put a lot of thought into it, I don't want to be ungrateful. In reality, I don't want to keep anything from him, I don't want another "anchor", however cool the gift gadget may be.

 

The whole thing with gifts is just too much. I wanted to give my gift as an unconditional one, to non-verbally communicate something nice and then leave. Of course, he didn't know it - b/c I wanted to disappear quietly, without all those painful awkward discussions.

 

I shouldn't have asked him anything directly yesterday. It's a horrible awkward memory.

 

I should've declined the gift as soon as he told me *before* he ordered. Of course, he'd be puzzled and offended. - Or I should've asked openly THEN and not after he'd already sent it. Or should I have done smth else?

 

My problem is I can't think on my feet. I never seem to be able to, and hence make awkward weird situations. What is wrong with me? I generally know when it's time to leave, but I don't know *how*, and these little things get me all confused and entangled. I'd like to leave well - somehow kindly, but with dignity. I don't know how to achieve it till after the fact.

[Ms Darcy]

How long have you been broken up?

 

I think the real problem is that you are still in contact with an ex that you would like to get back with.

[Waraqqa]

Exact time is difficult to pinpoint, the "break-up" was an iterative process. A few months, after that we were trying to be friends.

 

I know the contact is the problem, that's why 2-3 weeks ago I decided to go away, as I am not comfortable in a close friendship with him.

 

I don't know what to do with these situational hooks, though, these things keep me reeled in. My gift was meant as a good-bye, and the only reason I hadn't sent it long ago was b/c he only recently got a stable address.

But I had no idea he had been preparing something. Now I feel obligated at least to stick around until it arrives by mail to say thanks, and in the meanwhile the awkward discussion happened yesterday which I regret.

[TiredOfDating]

Exact time is difficult to pinpoint, the "break-up" was an iterative process. A few months, after that we were trying to be friends.

 

I know the contact is the problem, that's why 2-3 weeks ago I decided to go away, as I am not comfortable in a close friendship with him.

 

I don't know what to do with these situational hooks, though, these things keep me reeled in. My gift was meant as a good-bye, and the only reason I hadn't sent it long ago was b/c he only recently got a stable address.

But I had no idea he had been preparing something. Now I feel obligated at least to stick around until it arrives by mail to say thanks, and in the meanwhile the awkward discussion happened yesterday which I regret.

 

Let's be honest here, your gifts to HIM, were meant to hook HIM as well. There's no reason for "goodbye gifts". The only reason to send something is for a reaction. You sent the gift, decided to "go away" to see if he responded.

 

He should have returned the gift unopened, rather than send a gift back. You are both trying to get reactions out of each other. So if you are truly ready for NC, send the gift back to him, unopened. End the cycle.

[Waraqqa]

Neither one of us was trying to hook the other. On my side, honestly, it was a good-bye thing. In fact, I sent it when I thought everything is over, so that when I'd disappear, he wouldn't think I'm angry with him or something.

 

On his side, his gift idea was *not* a response to mine. He's just inexperienced in post-r-ships and honestly sees me as a friend. Actually, as it turned out yesterday, he sent very similar gifts to his sister and one or two colleagues. He is just a friendly and generous guy, and when he sees someone as a close friend, he does these kinds of things, trying to take care of them and so on. I usually do, too, but I don't know of many other people like that, so I had initially completely misinterpreted his intentions until he explained yesterday that it was only in context of friendly caring.

 

I totally understand him, b/c few years back I was doing smth similar with another ex after a break-up. It was a very amicable break-up, and we both stayed close friends (thankfully, even now). And it was normal to me, and it was mutually comfortable then.

 

But now is the first time in my life that it isn't. So, I find myself on the one hand glad that he cares, on the other - uncomfortable to keep it just as I wanted to withdraw, on the third hand - for a brief moment I read more into it than it was, and on the forth hand - not wanting to appear ungrateful while he is sincere.

 

Hence I behaved like an awkward fool, as I couldn't orientate myself properly as to how to react in the moment of happening.

 

I suppose now there is not much to do. I'll say thanks and appreciate when the gift arrives, and then for myself I'll decide to keep it or not; but returning it would be super rude and even more awkward after I had already agreed and he'd finalised the order when we were on skype. And after that I'll withdraw and not talk to him much.

 

I just feel bad and stupid for having misread the signals and getting into that conversation with him yesterday that neither of us enjoyed, as if I was being pushy or smth. It left a stupid kind of feeling.

[No1]

I have been going back to the past year and I have noticed a pattern with you

 

Everything you see is a sign. If he burped in your face, you would take it as a sign that he wanted to be with you. These 'hooks' are all imaginary. You have not accepted that its over.

In one post you said that he moved and since he couldnt take everthying, you kept some of his stuff. Do you still have the items?

[Waraqqa]

I have been going back to the past year and I have noticed a pattern with you

 

Everything you see is a sign. If he burped in your face, you would take it as a sign that he wanted to be with you. These 'hooks' are all imaginary. You have not accepted that its over.

In one post you said that he moved and since he couldnt take everthying, you kept some of his stuff. Do you still have the items?

 

I got rid of almost all of his stuff - except for a yoga mat I still have to donate to a local teacher, and some packaging ropes. Nothing else.

 

As for signs, yes, I read too much - and you are right, because my mind didn't want to accept it fully. After yesterday's awkward talk which contintues to haunt me, I have fully accepted it. No shadow of doubt. It was stupid of me not to see that.

 

One of the reasons for excessive sign reading: last year when we were hanging out, he was heads over heels for me and really wanted to be with me. Do you think he said anything? - no, not a peep. He behaved as a good friend, helped with various stuff, cooked, bought small gifts etc. But he was sure that I was going to reject him and that I only liked him as a friend (which was not true), so he didn't say anything the whole time. When I finally made a move on him, he was really happy and elated, b/c then I read the signs correctly.

 

So, a small part of me was seeing it as possibly happening again, based on the fact that in the past he so hesitated and then we almost "missed" each other.

But this time I was way wrong and way off. Now it sucks, cuz I made an idiot of myself and it was unpleasant for him. I blame myself, as I didn't even manage to leave without an "unwanted advance" of sorts.

[Wiseman2]

Have you read this book? 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts[/url]

 

Take this quiz to preview things. It may help clear up "signs" and translate them into clearer language 5lovelanguages.com/"]Discover your Love Language[/url]

[No1]

The Yoga mat: In the trash.

The ropes: In the trash.

There are no more signs to decode. If he wanted you, he would of said it by now, but has he? No.

If he wanted you, he would of made it known by now. You have placed your love life on hold and justifying it with these signs. You can continue to be confused or you can take off the love glasses and see the reality that it is over.

[Waraqqa]

Thank you, Wiseman. I've heard and read about this, although I haven't read the actual book before.

 

My love language tends to be affectionate words and actions (not so much physical touch), with greater importance allocated to actions.

 

As we were falling for each other, and later when we were together, I observed him, and I saw that his love language is actions. He was not big on words, rarely called me anything affectionate; even in the height of his feelings, his messages were more on the "dry" side, "Hi Waraqqa.... Best, N." I never took the "dryness" the wrong way, because from the start I knew that's how he is, and that he expresses things with actions more than words.

 

Which is exactly why I looked for hope in the gift, even though it wasn't the case. This one is easy to misinterpret. Only yesterday I realised that he's very kind and helpful with most people - sacrificing his time to help, gifting, etc. Since we don't have friends in common, I didn't have a framework of reference, and with his generous gift assumed that I was "special" again.

 

As for touch - given that last few months we were long-distance - it was not available for any translation.

[Ms Darcy]

Exact time is difficult to pinpoint, the "break-up" was an iterative process. A few months, after that we were trying to be friends.

 

I know the contact is the problem, that's why 2-3 weeks ago I decided to go away, as I am not comfortable in a close friendship with him.

 

I don't know what to do with these situational hooks, though, these things keep me reeled in. My gift was meant as a good-bye, and the only reason I hadn't sent it long ago was b/c he only recently got a stable address.

But I had no idea he had been preparing something. Now I feel obligated at least to stick around until it arrives by mail to say thanks, and in the meanwhile the awkward discussion happened yesterday which I regret.

 

I actually think you might need to get a handle on how long it's been for your own sake. You seem to be blurring time and not letting yourself move on/not understanding that he has.

 

Also, there's no reason here to be in contact with him. No contact means no awkward situations like this.

 

Sometimes the pain is of our own making.

[Ms Darcy]

I have been going back to the past year and I have noticed a pattern with you

 

Everything you see is a sign. If he burped in your face, you would take it as a sign that he wanted to be with you. These 'hooks' are all imaginary. You have not accepted that its over.

In one post you said that he moved and since he couldnt take everthying, you kept some of his stuff. Do you still have the items?

 

I think this is a great point about seeing everything as a sign. And it connects to the idea of not really knowing when the relationship ended. It's like having a fuzzy relationship with reality. And I don't mean this in a mean way.

 

But it is like you are allowing yourself to be deluded by wishful thinking.

[reinventmyself]

You created a long list of things you should have done and wanted to do and regret doing in regards to moving on.

It's one thing to talk the talk and another to walk the walk.

 

Because you can write this all down shows that you do know better.

 

Actually acting on it in your own self interest seems to trip you up.

 

You can't continue to do the wrong things and cry `why does this keep happening to me?'

 

If you think by some small chance this guy is wanting you back but too timid to do so, just tell him to contact you if anything changes.

But from this point on. . no contact. You've done enough.

 

If he isn't man enough to meet you half way, you don't want him anyway.

You already tried that once, right?

If he was the one, he would risk losing you to begin with.

No more lying to yourself. NC

[Waraqqa]

I think this is a great point about seeing everything as a sign. And it connects to the idea of not really knowing when the relationship ended. It's like having a fuzzy relationship with reality. And I don't mean this in a mean way.

 

But it is like you are allowing yourself to be deluded by wishful thinking.

 

Exactly, the difficult thing was the fuzziness - which was there for most of the time, even from beginning. First his feelings were stronger than mine - b/c I'm slow and need time before I really fall for someone. We both had no idea what to do about the upcoming distance, and I was the one who was cautious and nearly dropped the whole thing, - but his feelings were strong, so everyone was telling me I'd be stupid to pull the plug and not give it a chance just because of long distance.

 

After he left, I messed it up, and he had a change of heart, but I didn't realise it until way later. He was on the other side of the planet with bad internet, and we kept miscommunicating.

 

 

Anyway - NOW yes, I know now that there are no sign readings, it's all over, and I see it as it is. I am ready to move on. That's the bottom line.

[Waraqqa]

You created a long list of things you should have done and wanted to do and regret doing in regards to moving on.

It's one thing to talk the talk and another to walk the walk.

 

Because you can write this all down shows that you do know better.

 

Actually acting on it in your own self interest seems to trip you up.

 

You can't continue to do the wrong things and cry `why does this keep happening to me?'

 

If you think by some small chance this guy is wanting you back but too timid to do so, just tell him to contact you if anything changes.

But from this point on. . no contact. You've done enough.

 

If he isn't man enough to meet you half way, you don't want him anyway.

You already tried that once, right?

If he was the one, he would risk losing you to begin with.

No more lying to yourself. NC

.

 

No more lying, indeed. My issue is not *whether* to move on, but the concrete steps *how*.

 

I cannot undo the whole gift situation. As a rejected party, accepting a big gift somewhat stings my pride. And yes, the contact itself contributed to that (though he would've sent his gift as a surprise anyway), but now I can't change that. I can't go back in time.

 

So, now what is the most appropriate - to move on and pull the plug but in a civil cordial way? Don't I have to wait till gift arrives and say thanks? Or do I just cut everything off right now and disappear?

[reinventmyself]

Does the fact that the impending gift is causing you such anxiety tell you something?

 

This is one of many examples why you should cut everything off and disappear

[TiredOfDating]

you seem to keep hinging everything on this gift. you are under no obligation to accept the gift at all. you seem to find excuses as to why you haven't cut it off this far. just stop contacting. you don't have to say thanks, nothing. just stop contact. you sent your gift to him as a hook.

 

>>>No more lying, indeed. My issue is not *whether* to move on, but the concrete steps *how*

 

How is easy, if you pay attention to this thread. no more contact. cut it off. no texting, no calling, no emails. nothing. you're using "civil and cordial way" as an excuse to continue contact. you're looking to the gift as an excuse to make contact. quit making excuses to contact. quit rationalizing excuses to contact.

[No1]

The advice you read is not to cut him off forever. Its not like you cant talk to him 15years from now. What the advice is that you remove yourself from the situation and him from your life. The relationship is over. I will repeat it so you can understand. The Relationship Is Over.

 

Now the how is pretty easy to say, hard to do. You purge him from your life. Delete or get rid of anything that provokes a thought or memory of him. That means, delete emails, texts, messages, pictures, notes, throw away or give anything you have of his, and delete his number and email from your phone and computer. DO NOT look at any of his social pages or friends of his. How many times do I read "I came across a picture of my X with someone else".

 

Then what you do is find the strength to move forward. Lean on friends, family, stay busy, go to a gym, work out, spoil yourself. You do whatever it takes to make YOU happy. Don't worry about 'special dates' because a calendar doesn't care. Oh and don't worry about your X, he will be just fine and you will be just fine without him.

[Waraqqa]

Does the fact that the impending gift is causing you such anxiety tell you something?

 

This is one of many examples why you should cut everything off and disappear

 

Yes, it does. It tells me that a regular warm yet sterile friendship where he'd be doing nice things for me but dating other women is absolutely unpalatable for me.

 

And it is one thing to have been accepting friendship with regular signs as occasional talking; but accepting material gifts I can't. It makes everything turn inside me. I just cannot.

[reinventmyself]

I can tell this is a difficult time for you. I hope you find the strength and peace of mind to see this through.

Be kind to yourself.

[Waraqqa]

Thanks.

 

You see, it is a cultural issue, too. He is not American or Western. In his culture, turning down a gift (especially after verbally accepting it) is rude and insulting.

 

I might have to swallow my pride and thank him, and then clandestinely get rid of it.

 

And yes, he accepted mine happily, and that was nice - but he already sees me as a friend, so why not. I didn't dump him, so he could take it however he wants to, and not feel bad. His self-esteem is intact. E.g. I took - and kept, and used - gifts from exes who still loved me when I no longer did. I'd use them and think: oh nice, I was loved. Thanks very much.

 

But for a rejected dumpee to accept a gift under a clear friendzone flag feels different - I think many of you might understand or at least imagine? Is it just my ego, or would other people feel similar? I'm really curious about it.

[No1]

You are no doubt a thinker. However you are also a dreamer and sometimes we can be blinded and short sighted. For me, the gift is not the issue. Its what you perceive it as is the issue. If an X got me a gift, I would gladly accept it and if its useful I would use it. Its just an object and has no feelings attached to it. However its what we attach to the gift that matters.

I had a GF always promise me a camera while we dated. For years she promised me she would buy me the camera I have been looking at. It wasn't until 6 months after we broke up that she bought me a camera. I thought it was odd, but I knew we were done and over. I accepted it and put it away for a little bit. See if there were any emotions I attached to it. One day I picked it up and started using it and I didn't think about my X. It didn't provoke an emotion.

 

In your mind you will somehow have to believe that it is over. I don't think you have accepted that even tho you say that you know its over. If you had accepted that it was over a year ago, then this gift wouldn't be an issue. However since you have kept the flame alive and kept the emotional bonds alive, now the gift means something.

 

If its going to cause your blood pressure to rise, then give the gift away to someone where you wont see it. If its not, then don't see why you cant keep it. As long as it doesn't cause a memory or it thinking of your X.

[reinventmyself]

Thanks.

 

You see, it is a cultural issue, too. He is not American or Western. In his culture, turning down a gift (especially after verbally accepting it) is rude and insulting.

.

 

But you are putting his comfort above your own and at your expense.

Accepting the gift just prolongs your healing and worrying about it does too.

You are no longer a team and his comfort is not your concern.

I can't think of a better time then now to put your needs first.