Absolute rollercoaster

[Annie1989]

Strap in you guys because this is a long one. I met this guy in college and slept with him. He tried to get me to go out with him for 6 months after that but I had no interest. Later on something changed and I decided to give him a chance. He was very sweet and I became attached to him. He became my first boyfriend because I never was seriously into anyone else like him. It was a crazy connection. However, I left college for a semester due to depression and anxiety. For the month we were together, he would sit with me in the room I couldn't leave and would make me feel better. We continued our relationship and I basically moved in with him when I returned my senior year. We've always had an incredible connection but he always had issues with infidelity. I found out I was pregnant and had to drive back 8 hours home with him to drop him off for a seminar at Harvard and then drive two hours to my family home to get an abortion alone (FYI I had two forms of bc fail *condom and hormonal pills* I wasn't being irresponsible, the odds were not in my favor and physically it's not safe for me to have a child) . I found out he was texting girls and cheating on me. Every time I left him I missed him so much that i would take him back when he called crying. After we graduated I went home and I found out he had phone sex with another girl. He moved to California and I moved back home to Connecticut. I didn't respond to anything he said to me for 5-6 months before he weasled his way back into my life. I date people in the meantime but I don't have the same strong feelings I have like with him. I've lost count of how many times we broke up until I blocked him for two years. The whole time he was emailing me songs, long letters declaring his love etc. He flew to Nepal to use drones to find bodies after the earthquake and he called me to say he wanted to stop here before going home and I agteeed. He ended up staying for a month with me and we decided to do long distance. Cue him being an and us breaking up a few more times. He calls me up crying months later to tell me that "he's on an infinite looop that always ends back with me being the only one for him" and him begging me back. I hate him but I love him so I agree. He breaks up with me a week later to tell me he's becoming a Buddhist monk. Calls me up three months later to tell me he's going to a Monastary but he wants to spend my his life with me. We both decide to move back to the state where we met(where he's originally from) and we get an apartment together and moved in on Valentine's Day. He tells me he doesn't want to drink or do anything but work and buy us a house. I then find out the one night he goes out with his friends he meets a girl and is sexting her. He said he was just going to forget he did it and not tell me so I wouldn't get "hurt". I kicked him out of the apartment but i end up moving out the next day because I said that was it for cheating and the heartbreak. He didn't last a month living with me without slipping up. He cries and says that he loves me and he has problems and doesn't know why he's an idiot, however he blamed me for making a "rash decision to end the relationship" and how he wanted to work it out and how he didn't want to see this girl again and how he didn't cheat they were just texts. I go to get the rest of my stuff and he was still texting that girl. He then switches the next day and says we are better off apart anyway. I paid my rent for the month, even though I'm now on my friends couch, dejected. This final breakup happened 3 weeks ago. Today I was out and I saw him out with her. The damn hostess tried to sit me next To then! I panicked at first but then I snapped out of it and went up to them and said "are you Amanda? I was his girlfriend when you were texting. Just wanted to check this out for myself" and all she could do is smirk and he just said nothing as I walked away. I live in a big city so I was hoping to never see them together. I should mention that since I moved here he hasn't taken me out on a date. I feel so awful and while I know he's a scumbag (a super charming, sociopathic scumbag) I'm actually a pretty smart girl and I'm mad at myself for believing him when he said he loved me for 7 years and I moved here to be with him because I feel like I would never do that with anybody else because I'm usually so levelheaded when it comes to "love". Except with him. Why am I so dumb for loving someone so terrible? I need to get the pain to stop and really understand that I'm better off. I don't want to get back together with him, I just can't believe I'm in this position. My self esteem is shot and it physically pains me to think of him with someone else. His father constantly cheated on his mother and I told him he needed therapy but he refuses. All I did was love him and all I got was heartbreak. Over and over again. Why would I do that to myself? I always try to find the good in people but this time it really f***ed me over. I really hate dating and I loved being in a relationship with only him. I'm afraid I'll never fall in love again because most of my formative young adult life has been wasted believing he was the only one for me. I don't even like looking at other guys, let alone attempt to flirt. I know I should use this time to focus on myself and improving my life, I'm just so depressed and hurt (about my stupidity and the loss of my "best friend")

[melancholy123]

Please make this wall of text into paragraphs if you want some replies! It's too hard to read.

[Annie1989]

I'm using my phone, so the formatting might be off. I really can't change it.

[Beth66]

You gave him way too many chances. Never let a guy walk all over you like that ever again. It's not good for you, you might still feel love for him but it's time to let go and maybe you're not ready to keep looking for a guy yet and that's ok, like you said improve yourself first. Take time that you need for yourself and spend time with friends and family and don't ever let him into your life again, he's a bad guy to keep around. You might feel like he's changed down the line, but he hasn't. Once a cheater always a cheater.

[jujusamples]

Sorry, I tried reading half way through, but it's too hard to read without paragraphs.

 

As far as I got into your story, this is why you should stick to no contact. Don't respond to him. He's done enough damage to you already. It's time for you to set yourself free from this man. Work on yourself.

 

On a side note; it's very hard to compare the feelings you get with your first love to future relationships. It is because your first love/relationship is a new and exciting experience. Everything you feel, it's the first time you've felt it so therefore it's exciting. Just know that future relationships will and could be better if you don't try to compare the excitement of your first relationship. It's not a fair comparison.

[TiredOfDating]

You have taken him back every time, so he's had no motivation to change. He's also grown up with this being normal, and that is hard to undo.

 

I think when you're struggling with depression, whether it be long term, situational or otherwise, you leave yourself open to things you wouldn't normally do. A lot of times, the self esteem is shot, so you don't realize you deserve better. And he knows this and takes advantage of that.

 

A "friend", a "best friend" at that, doesn't lie to you and take advantage. Not to be blunt, the only one who saw a friendship there was you. And that's because he incapable of caring for anyone but himself.

 

A habitual cheater is never going to change. My son's father is one. And to this day, despite all his professing of no more lies and cheating (to keep his wife from throwing him out), I guarantee he would cheat again if he thought he could get away with it.

 

No more contact with him. Work on yourself. Maybe a little therapy would help you as well. Don't worry about not finding love, find yourself first and everything else will fall into place.

[SherrySher]

I agree with the above poster.

He was not your best friend, he was a predator and manipulator. He cared about himself and only himself. You fooled yourself into believing that he could change and he would change, but as the above poster said, you gave him no motivation to change, you kept taking him back no matter how badly he treated you. Because of that he took advantage of you and of your feelings.

 

He was a lesson not a lifetime sentence. Learn from all of it so your next relationship can be much healthier and much more of actual love and not this kind of sickness.

[Annie1989]

Thanks everyone, I really appreciate the replies. We've been on and off for so long that my heart never has a chance to properly heal. I really wish I could skip the pain and devastation I'm feeling and go right to being okay.

I know I shouldn't be in shock that this happened due to our tumultuous history, and I know that I'm too good for him, but the thought of him doing nice things and being with this girl after I tried for so long to make the relationship work kills me.

I really just want the sadness to go away and be able to rationally think about what a terrible person he is so I don't miss the relationship.

[SherrySher]

He will betray her as well, it's only a matter of time.

Once a cheater, always a cheater, you said so yourself, "he always had troubles with infidelity".

You didn't lose anything, you gained your freedom to find a man who is not going to cause you anymore pain and can be totally loyal to you.

Heal and open the door back up again to find a decent man, and leave your mistakes far far behind.

Don't lose hope.

Good luck with it all.