False Hope...

[Jul10Jo5e]

It was never part of the plan to fall for someone again. The last relationship I had was just a chaotic, undesirable one, which lead me to deciding to stop this B U L L S H I T R Y surrounding "LOVE".

 

So yeah, here I am, crying in despair after doing something I've promised myself not to do; falling in love with this girl. I never wanted to go do it from the start, knowing that pain was bound to be the product of this S H I T.

 

So yeah, after having my friends persuade me to pursue this BS since the girl was showing signs of interest, I decided to go ahead, because why the hell not? It wasn't as if I was gonna go full 100% serious with this , just gonna try it out if I was ready again to give "LOVE" another chance.

 

I've already seen her multiple times before, hallways, by the bus stop, places like that. To be honest, I was mesmerized by her beauty. First time we talked was when we decided to be late for class to have a cigarette- along with the great friend of mine who persuaded me to pursue this BS as he himself "has" a lot of "LOVE" (BS he's a fuccboy so I have no idea why I followed this BS idea). Anyways it's one of those moments, like the ones in the movie where one glance of that person and they stick to your head like ing superglue.

 

And then one efing day, I decided "you know what Jean? Screw your apathetic, IDGAF attitude and go ahead and pursue some sort of happiness". Obviously not a good idea. So yeah I ask her where she's off to and decide to drop her off to get lunch or something like that. Being kind was my key, like putting them before you type of in order to get them to have an idea of what type of person you are. So yeah she says thanks and all that and pretty much I decide to stop it before it worsens. BUT HELL THE F U C K NO! I decide to effing go ahead and try my luck, like an effing gamble, them slot machines in casinos.

 

I hang out with her to play pool or billiards, whatever the eff people call it. That was my thing and hearing that she wanted to play with us was a hint or something. I got teased, by my friends, during the ride, along with her by the passenger side. She just smiled and I swear I would effing watch it all day. So in a nutshell I actually gave in to this temptation and decided to pursue it. Dropped her home the following day, checked up on her and came to her when she was effing wasted and although asked me for help, I couldn't (Random guy her friends never saw before coming to pick their wasted friend up was definitely a no no). So yeah start chatting and I ask her directly if I actually have a chance with her, because if she actually said nah, then I wouldn't be as hurt as I am right now.

 

So yeah I pick her up from the bus stop, walk with her along with my dog which she adores. I hold her hands and it's obvious she's too nervous to look at me and why her hands were cold as ice. I kiss her as I drop her home, no idea why I did that cuz that just gives one false hope when the other is probably used to doing that . So a day after, after taking on a date, she tells me that she can't be too mean and she wanted me to know the truth that she is not "ready" to commit to a relationship. Her feelings "apparently faded" after our so called "date".

 

So yeah even though it was a short amount of time, I just feel remarkably stupid and naive for opening myself up and letting myself get hurt even though I could've avoided this . I just wanted to write this somewhere where nobody knows the depression devouring me bit by bit. I don't want people to know that I'm messed up from within from that of an experience. I want them to know that I'm numb to this BS. But no matter how much one tells oneself that "this is nothing, it doesn't hurt", they're bound to eat up their own words.

 

Yeah, hope is a F U C K E D up thing. It causes one to raise their expectations beyond where it's meant to be. It just hurts. I've tried to be nice to people but I guess kindness isn't enough to win over "LOVE", especially if the other person only tells you they love you just because they're bored and wanted something to excite themselves. It just hurts physically, mentally, emotionally.