I should but I don't want to

[almondmilks]

My boyfriend and I have been together off and on for about four years. It started off terribly, but got better over time. This year, things were actually pretty good between us. He was very sweet in a lot of ways.

 

... but he has also hurt me badly in many ways.

 

For Valentines, he was excited because a band he loved was coming to a nearby city and he wanted to take me there to see them. Then he decided it was too expensive, and that we weren't having a Valentines. He asked me what I ever did for him; Why should he pay for a Valentines date for me? So I offered to pay for half the cost of the trip, and he was extremely angry at me for asking him to spend money and time on me still. I tried to be understanding since he'd just lost his dream job, and was probably worried about bills.

 

In year 2, I'd wanted to go to a nearby city to go on their big Ferris wheel. Every year, I expressed that I still wanted to go. And I wanted to go on the rooftops and hang out, and do karaoke together. Last month, he signed up with his coworkers to do a charity event in that city and then went on the rooftop with them and did karaoke with them. He told me it would be too expensive to do with me, but they'd paid for his hotel.

 

It still hurt, but I tried to accept his reasoning since we hadn't been fighting, he had just lost his prior job, and maybe bonding with his coworkers would help his career.

 

Then just last week, we set up a time to go on a date. It was simple, just bicycling together on a trail that I knew led to a waterfall. That morning, I never heard from him. He slept in because he drank too much the night before while comforting his buddy over something sad. I was upset and went bicycling without him.

 

Last Wednesday, his sister came into town and he didn't invite me to visit with her. He put off our plans to go see her. He said he would come back later and cuddle me to sleep, but he never did. He apologized and made some excuse when I finally asked him at around 2 AM.

 

He made plans for Thursday that he'd make it up to me spending the day with me. Thursday morning(the next day) came, and I texted him when he wanted to meet up since I hadn't heard from him by 1 PM. He called me and told me he was driving on his way to Arizona because his friend invited him to see the final four basketball games. He said it'd cost him about $400 to go but it was a once in a lifetime opportunity.

 

I was heartbroken and devastated that he had the money to spend on his friends but not me, didn't even think to invite me to his "once in a lifetime" event, and stood me up multiple days in a row.

 

I was so angry that I couldn't even yell at him over the phone because I just wanted to vomit. We'd had so many happy and peaceful weeks together, but he was still the same in too many ways. When we first met, he'd also hurt me on my birthday by seeing a Mariners game with his female friends (a 3 day trip) but said taking even one day off of work for my birthday was too demanding.

 

He didn't try to deny it or make excuses this time. He said he is a real jerk and is sorry. He said he'd take me anywhere I wanted to go. I don't think I believe it, though. He promised to give me a massage for Christmas that I still haven't received 4 months later.

 

Our relationship is long and complicated, and I'm certain he cares deeply for me-- whatever that means to him. Years 2 and 3 that we dated, he verbally abused me constantly(calling me bad names and telling me to kill myself, even), but that stopped this year, and he began to compliment me and brag about me to people instead of hiding our relationship. I thought, after all of our fights and tears, he was beginning to learn how to actually care for me.

 

It's been about two days since I've texted him now, and I'm considering just never texting back again. After all of the mean things he's done to me, I really don't owe him anything. I don't even owe him a goodbye.

 

I love him like a small puppy loves its human. I would forgive him through anything. But he always hurts me. It isn't healthy... Even if I don't want to, I think leaving would be the best thing to do.

 

He already knows what he does to me is wrong. He looks sad when he admits it, but does nothing to treat me better. There's nothing else I can do to fix this but to remove myself from it.

 

I feel so sad.

[KMO7970]

Oh, hon, this is terrible, terrible treatment you've endured. You are right that removing yourself from this situation is the only option. He is all talk and no action, and you recognize this. It is understandable that you still feel sad, because he has disappointed you, and a loss is a loss is a loss, you know? It's been 4 years and people really don't change much, in my experience. It sounds like he has tried for a while to be better, but still reverts back to his old ways. Stay strong, and just know that there are certainly men out there who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated!

[Hollyj]

I think that he has shown you over the last four years that you are not a priority and that he does not care about, or respect you.

 

Hon, why are you putting up with this emotionally abusive behavior? He treats you poorly, but you continue to stay on and make excuses.

 

Don't you think it is time that you find someone who values you, and will make you feel cherished?

 

You know there is no future. What do you get from all of this pain? I hope that you do not waste another four years of your life!

 

Please seek counseling for your self esteem issue.

[jujusamples]

So sorry you had to endured that. I think you are well aware that you are not his priority. Don't waste any more time on this relationship. You will not get anywhere.

 

You are right, you don't owe him anything. I'd suggest if he does reach out to you to do the right thing and break up with him. You deserve better.

[MissCanuck]

Girl, at some point, you need to take a long look at yourself. This guy has never loved you the way you love him, and has mistreated you over and over - why are you still tolerating it?

 

A few peaceful weeks is completely insufficient in making up for 4 years of unhappiness. He's showed you many times that he isn't in love with you and doesn't really care about your feelings at all. Sooner or later, he will leave for good.

 

Save yourself that heartache and end it now. It's not going to get better because he just doesn't care enough about you to change anything.

[catfeeder]

Consider that we never get any wasted time back to live over again, and some people are best loved from far away.

 

My heart goes out to you. Write more if it helps.