Anxiety about my boyfriend cheating on me while on vacation!

[Dahl]

I have gotten tested after he cheated on me. All negative.

 

You need to be tested regularly as long as you continue to be intimate with him.

[boltnrun]

I have gotten tested after he cheated on me. All negative.

 

Some infections take months to show up positive.

 

If you two have only been "together" this time for four months, you still could have something.

 

If you choose to stay with him, demand condoms every time. And tell him if he tries to sneak taking them off, you will not have sex with him.

[ParisPaulette]

This isn't really about him, it's about you. And I say that because the fact is none of us know if another person is going to cheat on us, steal from us, do bad things behind our back before the fact UNLESS they've exhibited clear red flags about that. If they have, and you choose to stay, then you can't walk around in a state of anxiety they are going to do it again. Either you be 100 percent okay with them and that risk or you tell them, "I can't get over it, so you need to go," and you let them go and you don't feel shame for it. Why everyone thinks it's a virtue to accept that just because someone says, "I won't do it again," that means they really won't do it again or you should take their word alone for it, is beyond me.

 

But if you're going to do that then you need to do that. Or let them go. And be fine with it. Personally I much prefer not having to watch my back all the time around someone I'm supposed to trust, but that is a personal preference born out of life experience. You will get there too.

 

In the meantime what you do is go get a life and build a life that exists whether or not he is in it. That means your own friends, your own interests, boosting your confidence through the things you do that are yours alone. I've been on both sides of a cheating relationship. The side where they were all I had going in life, or so I thought, so I was terrified to lose them since I felt they were all I had. The only amusement, the only source of happiness and validation. And then they cheated and I was alone without them. And I was faced with the prospect of "Gee, I have to be responsible 100 percent for my own happiness, because there isn't anyone here but me to pick up the slack."

 

AND I've been on the other side where I already had a life, had friends, had my own accomplishments, was in love true but didn't need him to "complete me" (I hate that term, really I do) and had other things going on in my life as well. And when the guy cheated on me, I cried and broke up with him. Then promptly took up salsa dancing and had a nice little vacation in which I climbed a really hard to climb mountain, even going so far as to outclimb my experienced guide and everyone else on the tour. And any time I started to feel sad or lonely I remember the absolute rush of power I got from executing a sassy salsa step or that day standing on top of a mountain with the wind at my back screaming, "I'm queen of the world!"

 

Two guesses which guy I got over faster.

 

Anyways my point here is get your own life, one that doesn't focus on and only around him. Have your own interests, your own friends, you own life. In fact, while he's on vacation now is a great time to go out and get something you like to do for you. Don't care what it is, but go and do it instead of waiting by the phone. You will then have something to talk to him about. Heck maybe he'll come back from partying and even be like, "Where is she?" while you're out trying to master a two-step or working with a trainer at the gym.

 

And when he comes home don't drop the activity and revert back to "I am nothing except your girlfriend." In fact, if he asks you stop, dump him. You need to adopt the attitude, "I have a good life. You can share it, but if you hurt me or I can't trust you, then you are gone and I'm not looking back. By the way, you are not the only game in my town." And mean it and believe it for yourself.

 

Then if he cheats you can cry and tell him you are sad, but he's got to go, because he doesn't fit into YOUR life and what YOU want, not him.

[itsbannapple]

Some infections take months to show up positive.

 

If you two have only been "together" this time for four months, you still could have something.

 

If you choose to stay with him, demand condoms every time. And tell him if he tries to sneak taking them off, you will not have sex with him.

 

We have been together for 11 months. He cheated on the 4th month. I am planning to get re-tested again as soon as I can. Also will get tested a couple weeks after he gets back from vacation and then will continue.

[KMO7970]

Condoms are an issue. He goes soft once one is put on. When we did use them before I was on birth control, he would secretly take it off without me knowing. He can't stay hard with one on and he has trouble staying hard without one too.

 

I think this behavior is borderline abusive, too.

[boltnrun]

So you've decided to stay with him and accept his cheating? And not insist he wear condoms?

[itsbannapple]

This isn't really about him, it's about you. And I say that because the fact is none of us know if another person is going to cheat on us, steal from us, do bad things behind our back before the fact UNLESS they've exhibited clear red flags about that. If they have, and you choose to stay, then you can't walk around in a state of anxiety they are going to do it again. Either you be 100 percent okay with them and that risk or you tell them, "I can't get over it, so you need to go," and you let them go and you don't feel shame for it. Why everyone thinks it's a virtue to accept that just because someone says, "I won't do it again," that means they really won't do it again or you should take their word alone for it, is beyond me.

 

But if you're going to do that then you need to do that. Or let them go. And be fine with it. Personally I much prefer not having to watch my back all the time around someone I'm supposed to trust, but that is a personal preference born out of life experience. You will get there too.

 

In the meantime what you do is go get a life and build a life that exists whether or not he is in it. That means your own friends, your own interests, boosting your confidence through the things you do that are yours alone. I've been on both sides of a cheating relationship. The side where they were all I had going in life, or so I thought, so I was terrified to lose them since I felt they were all I had. The only amusement, the only source of happiness and validation. And then they cheated and I was alone without them. And I was faced with the prospect of "Gee, I have to be responsible 100 percent for my own happiness, because there isn't anyone here but me to pick up the slack."

 

AND I've been on the other side where I already had a life, had friends, had my own accomplishments, was in love true but didn't need him to "complete me" (I hate that term, really I do) and had other things going on in my life as well. And when the guy cheated on me, I cried and broke up with him. Then promptly took up salsa dancing and had a nice little vacation in which I climbed a really hard to climb mountain, even going so far as to outclimb my experienced guide and everyone else on the tour. And any time I started to feel sad or lonely I remember the absolute rush of power I got from executing a sassy salsa step or that day standing on top of a mountain with the wind at my back screaming, "I'm queen of the world!"

 

Two guesses which guy I got over faster.

 

Anyways my point here is get your own life, one that doesn't focus on and only around him. Have your own interests, your own friends, you own life. In fact, while he's on vacation now is a great time to go out and get something you like to do for you. Don't care what it is, but go and do it instead of waiting by the phone. You will then have something to talk to him about. Heck maybe he'll come back from partying and even be like, "Where is she?" while you're out trying to master a two-step or working with a trainer at the gym.

 

And when he comes home don't drop the activity and revert back to "I am nothing except your girlfriend." In fact, if he asks you stop, dump him. You need to adopt the attitude, "I have a good life. You can share it, but if you hurt me or I can't trust you, then you are gone and I'm not looking back. By the way, you are not the only game in my town." And mean it and believe it for yourself.

 

Then if he cheats you can cry and tell him you are sad, but he's got to go, because he doesn't fit into YOUR life and what YOU want, not him.

 

 

Thank you for this. I appreciate your words, they really opened my mind. Since he has been gone I have in fact been going to the gym and feeling good about myself. I have been doing more of my interests around the house as well and feeling better about myself. I am by my phone wondering when he is going to call me but also trying my best to be distracted. I'm letting him have his space by not sending him 200 text messages because in fact he is messaging me now and then wondering where I am and telling me he misses me, etc. For a while I saw myself as his girlfriend only, and not myself. I didn't see myself as an individual. I even told him I should make new friends and do new things and he told me he doesn't want me having any friends at all because he says it makes him jealous. He gets angry and upset if I hangout with 2 of my only friends so I hadn't seen them in months because of it.

[itsbannapple]

I think this behavior is borderline abusive, too.

 

Oh it totally is. There is so much more to his behaviors.

[itsbannapple]

So you've decided to stay with him and accept his cheating? And not insist he wear condoms?

 

It's either he doesn't wear a condom, or we never have sex. That's just how it is. It's like impossible for us to have sex if he wears a condom. He instantly goes soft and isn't able to get hard at all. He used to take Viagra.. If I refuse sex because of not using a condom, it will stir up a whole fight and I know it sounds so dumb of me, but I'd rather just have sex with him without using a condom than have him act like he hates me. He just guilts me into it.

[boltnrun]

It's either he doesn't wear a condom, or we never have sex. That's just how it is. It's like impossible for us to have sex if he wears a condom. He instantly goes soft and isn't able to get hard at all. He used to take Viagra.. If I refuse sex because of not using a condom, it will stir up a whole fight and I know it sounds so dumb of me, but I'd rather just have sex with him without using a condom than have him act like he hates me. He just guilts me into it.

 

So...you're going to stay with him and just put up with his cheating and his refusal to wear condoms and his control?

[itsbannapple]

So...you're going to stay with him and just put up with his cheating and his refusal to wear condoms and his control?

 

 

It sounds terrible, but yes. If he ever cheated on me again I feel that would be the end of it. I let the first time go, which I should of ended it then. He went on crying about how much he loved me which was why I decided to stay with him at that time. He made me feel bad and I decided to give him another chance.

[boltnrun]

Wow.

 

Get regular checkups then. Lord knows what he could be bringing home from this vacation since he refuses to use condoms. Hopefully nothing incurable or fatal.

[JaggerJim]

So what is your question? I don't get it......

[Capricorn3]

It's either he doesn't wear a condom, or we never have sex. That's just how it is. It's like impossible for us to have sex if he wears a condom. He instantly goes soft and isn't able to get hard at all. He used to take Viagra.. If I refuse sex because of not using a condom, it will stir up a whole fight and I know it sounds so dumb of me, but I'd rather just have sex with him without using a condom than have him act like he hates me. He just guilts me into it.

 

Hopefully you're on the Pill or some other form of contraception. Be responsible for your own health/wellbeing.

 

I can't for the life of me understand why on earth you are still with this jerk. Seriously. You can't be that desperate for a man, surely? Dump him already and head for the hills with your head held high.

[boltnrun]

Hopefully you're on the Pill or some other form of contraception. Be responsible for your own health/wellbeing.

 

I can't for the life of me understand why on earth you are still with this jerk. Seriously. You can't be that desperate for a man, surely? Dump him already and head for the hills with your head held high.

 

However, the pill won't protect you from herpes, hepatitis or HIV.

 

Are you willing to have an incurable std for the rest of your life just so he won't get mad at you?

[Capricorn3]

However, the pill won't protect you from herpes, hepatitis or HIV.

Oh I am fully aware of that. I was thinking at the very least it can prevent an unwanted pregnancy. You don't want to bring an innocent child into this toxic mess.

[itsallgrand]

It's either he doesn't wear a condom, or we never have sex. That's just how it is. It's like impossible for us to have sex if he wears a condom. He instantly goes soft and isn't able to get hard at all. He used to take Viagra.. If I refuse sex because of not using a condom, it will stir up a whole fight and I know it sounds so dumb of me, but I'd rather just have sex with him without using a condom than have him act like he hates me. He just guilts me into it.

 

Then it should be no sex under these circumstances.

 

Who will take care of you if something bad happens to you? Do you have family?

[boltnrun]

He's way too young to have ED and to need Viagra.

 

Is he using meth or any other drugs?

[itsbannapple]

He's way too young to have ED and to need Viagra.

 

Is he using meth or any other drugs?

 

No he does not do drugs. He doesn't even smoke ciggarettes or do anything like that besides drink on very rare occasions. He doesn't have ED, he has an anxiety disorder and he said the doctor told him it is a psychological reason as to why he has this issue performing. The doc still perscribed him another form lf Viagra though.

[itsbannapple]

Then it should be no sex under these circumstances.

 

Who will take care of you if something bad happens to you? Do you have family?

 

Yes. I have my mother.

[itsbannapple]

Hopefully you're on the Pill or some other form of contraception. Be responsible for your own health/wellbeing.

 

I can't for the life of me understand why on earth you are still with this jerk. Seriously. You can't be that desperate for a man, surely? Dump him already and head for the hills with your head held high.

 

I have trouble understanding myself. I feel I love him unconditionally and I know it's really hard to wrap your head around. If this were any other guy I wouldn't still be with the person. He's like my family and was my close childhood friend. I'm not desperate for a man at all, I much rather be single than deal with pain like this. As much as I know it's unhealthy, I just can't leave no matter how much I try or how many times I break up with him. Once he shows me he is hurt, I run back to him out of guilt. I know how stupid I sound.

[JaggerJim]

I don't think he's hurting at the moment. I think he's having a grand old time on this vacation.

[boltnrun]

He's not "hurt".

 

He just gets mad that his doormat might be growing a backbone and he manipulates you into going back. He doesn't want to lose his source of unprotected sex.

 

Once upon a time he may have genuinely cared for you. But one thing I found out years ago is if you act like a doormat, even someone who used to care about you can stop having respect for you. You take whatever he dishes out hoping it will keep him loving you. Unfortunately it has the opposite effect. If you won't respect and love yourself, how can you think he will?

 

You can leave, you're choosing not to.

 

I wonder what it is he would have to do for you to finally leave him.

[Capricorn3]

I have trouble understanding myself. I feel I love him unconditionally and I know it's really hard to wrap your head around. If this were any other guy I wouldn't still be with the person. He's like my family and was my close childhood friend. I'm not desperate for a man at all, I much rather be single than deal with pain like this. As much as I know it's unhealthy, I just can't leave no matter how much I try or how many times I break up with him. Once he shows me he is hurt, I run back to him out of guilt. I know how stupid I sound.

 

Have you ever considered professional counselling/therapy to help you get to the bottom of where your extremely low, poor self-esteem comes from? I think you would benefit greatly as I think if you carry on like this you are in for a very sad, lonely and miserable life (imo).

[Birdie]

He would lie and take off the condom before you were on BC?!?!

 

I would have kicked him to the curb right then. He cares more about getting himself off than you. He put you at risk of pregnancy and took away your choice to have safe sex by lying to you. And you're ok with this? That is NOT ok.

 

You're relationship isn't a relationship. It's about him and whatever benefits him.

 

You can leave, you're actively choosing to stay in this relationship.