itsbannapple Posted April 2, 2017 Share Posted April 2, 2017 Okay so I'm having trouble processing these emotions regarding my boyfriend going on vacation. Here is a little backstory... I'm 22yrs old and so is my boyfriend. We have been together for 11 months but we had been involved with eachother since we were 13-years-old. During our 4 month of being together he had cheated on me with his ex-girlfriend who he still had feelings for. (He dated me only 2 weeks after their breakup.) We were fighting a lot at that time mostly it was my fault because I was very insecure and not acting myself so he felt we weren't really close anymore and he said he felt single. This is my first relationship and I lost my virginity to him so my feelings are very intense with him. He said he was confused at the time and had feelings for both of us and felt he never had closure with her. Since then, he hasn't cheated on me but I am so terrified of it happening. For months I had nightmares about it. He has cheated on every single girlfriend he has ever been with. I had to find out for myself when he cheated on me because he hid it from me. Anyway, he is on vacation for 10 days in Miami and it has only been the first day/night and I'm so anxious! He's with his sister, her three females friends and her two male friends. They went to clubs and went bar hopping last night and he told me they're going to pretty much be doing that all week. He is also drinking and staying out till around 4AM. It just makes me think of the worst case scenario. I'm not controlling at all. I'm trying to keep my cool 100% and not show him how worried and afraid I am. He knows my concerns, we talked about it before he left. He promises he would never hurt me like that again, he told me that I have his heart and he loves me. I'm trying my best to trust him. I told him I want him to have fun and enjoy his time there. I always let him have his freedom. I don't want him to feel like he's trapped and can't do anything. I just want to relax and stop being so insecure. I have a very low-self esteem and I know that is part of why I'm so worried. I really am afraid he will dance dirty with a girl, flirt with or kiss someone, or worse. I also hate the double standard he sets with me, how I can't drink, go to parties, or clubs, etc. or else he would "break up with me" are his words. His ex was a party girl and would cheat on him at parties so that's why he dosn't want me doing it. I'm not a party girl at all btw. I never been to a club/house party and I rarely drink. I'm getting off topic, but yeah I just want some advice. I'm also afraid that if he does happen to cheat, he will keep it hidden from me and never tell me about it. Everytime he has done something like that, he keeps it secret, I ALWAYS have to snoop around and find out for myself. After our last breakup a month ago, he told me he was so broken it made him realize how special I was to him and how he doesn't want to be this type of person and wants to be a better man. He said how he would be honest with me from here on out and would never ever do something so horrible again and how he feels I'm the one girl who has really cared for him and never had betrayed him like his past exes. Anyone ever been through this and could help me out? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boltnrun Posted April 2, 2017 Share Posted April 2, 2017 As you already know, he doesn't have to be on vacation or in clubs drinking in order to cheat. He already did, I presume right in your home town. If you trust him, you have nothing to worry about. If you don't trust him, why are you with him???? And a better reason that "I LOVE him!" or "We've been together for x amount of time!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsbannapple Posted April 2, 2017 Author Share Posted April 2, 2017 I agree. If he wants to cheat, he can do it either there or in our hometown. I just feel Miami is more temptation. I am with him because I invested a lot into our relationship and do care about him. He is close to me because we knew eachother since we were kids and him being out of my life jus feels abnormal to me as if I would be grieving someone who died. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wiseman2 Posted April 2, 2017 Share Posted April 2, 2017 He's not ready for an exclusive relationship. If that's what you want cut your losses after only 11 mos of dating. He's a player.. I'm 22yrs old and so is my boyfriend. We have been together for 11 months He has cheated on every single girlfriend he has ever been with. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsbannapple Posted April 2, 2017 Author Share Posted April 2, 2017 I would like to feel that my relationship is very different than his past relationships. He was a player when he was younger and I think getting into a relationship with me for the first 4 months he just probably saw me as another girl who's going to hurt him. He usually will hurt you before you get the chance to hurt him. I know that is no excuse. Now though he knows I truly do love him and he says thay he never had that before and never felt really loved by anyone else the way that I show him love and care for him. He said that scared him and made him not know how to react positivly. I don't know honestly Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wiseman2 Posted April 2, 2017 Share Posted April 2, 2017 Each and every woman he dates/cheats on thinks she's going to be the one who miraculously changes him and stops him from being a player, including you. Proceed with caution. In sick dating yes, you hurt each other chronically. While he's away read up on what healthy relationships look like. He was a player when he was younger and I think getting into a relationship with me for the first 4 months he just probably saw me as another girl who's going to hurt him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsbannapple Posted April 2, 2017 Author Share Posted April 2, 2017 Ugh yeah you are right.. I honestly never though of that. They probably did think they could change him. I know I can't and he has to change himself.. I always think that when I broke up with him maybe it changed something inside him that will make him change. He said that it hurt him more than any other girl who left him. But he is also a liar and a manipulator. I have read so many articles on negative and positive relationship and I know that I'm in an unhealthy and abusive one. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boltnrun Posted April 2, 2017 Share Posted April 2, 2017 You gave the exact reasons for staying with him that I thought you would... "I LOVE him!" and "we've been together x amount of time!" Neither is a good reason to stay with a chronic cheater, unless you feel you deserve to be lied to and cheated on. And no, no one is the magic woman who will stop a cheater from cheating. Only the cheater can decide that, and he apparently decided he's going to continue cheating. So, do you stay with a cheater? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsbannapple Posted April 2, 2017 Author Share Posted April 2, 2017 I guess I am just naive and very easy to manipulate. I have a good heart and I always give people second chances, third fourths, fifths. I don't like people who I love and care about to disappear from my life so I guess that's why I continue to always let him take advantage and disrespect me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wiseman2 Posted April 2, 2017 Share Posted April 2, 2017 While he's away find a therapist to sort out boundaries and why you allow people to walk all over you. That's not love that's insecurity and low self esteem. I have a good heart and I always give people second chances, third fourths, fifths. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsbannapple Posted April 2, 2017 Author Share Posted April 2, 2017 I do have a therapist and we talk about this a lot. I have to work on myself and build my self esteem back up. I know I'd feel much better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MissCanuck Posted April 2, 2017 Share Posted April 2, 2017 I would like to feel that my relationship is very different than his past relationships. He was a player when he was younger and I think getting into a relationship with me for the first 4 months he just probably saw me as another girl who's going to hurt him. He usually will hurt you before you get the chance to hurt him. I know that is no excuse. Now though he knows I truly do love him and he says thay he never had that before and never felt really loved by anyone else the way that I show him love and care for him. He said that scared him and made him not know how to react positivly. I don't know honestly Honey, you already know it's no different than his other relationships. He's already cheated on you. It's already the same as his previous relationships. Stop justifying his horrible behaviour. His "reasons" for cheating with his ex are pathetic. He was afraid of your love so he parked his baloney pony in his ex? Yeah, no. That's not why. He did it because he wanted to and didn't give a zoom about you or your feelings. He does not deserve your love, and you are very correct not to trust him. He's already demonstrated that you shouldn't. And what is this about breaking up "the last time"? You've only dated 4 months, this should be the honeymoon phase with zero breakups to date. This should be the part in which you can't get enough of each other, not the part where you have to worry he's going to get down and dirty with girls on holiday. The fact that this is where you relationship is...this is not good at all. You sound very sweet but extremely naive and easy to manipulate. And he knows it, so he uses it to his advantage. Please, dump him. He will only hurt you further, I can guarantee it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boltnrun Posted April 2, 2017 Share Posted April 2, 2017 If you refuse to stop dating him, please insist he wear condoms if you two are having sex. That way if he picks up an STD while on vacation you won't get it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dahl Posted April 2, 2017 Share Posted April 2, 2017 Why do you call the relationship abusive? (Not arguing, just looking for clarification. I'm sorry that you're hurting ) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsbannapple Posted April 2, 2017 Author Share Posted April 2, 2017 We have dated since we were 13 years old, on and off. We have been together currently 11 months. I was talking about how he cheated during our 4 month. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsbannapple Posted April 2, 2017 Author Share Posted April 2, 2017 If you refuse to stop dating him, please insist he wear condoms if you two are having sex. That way if he picks up an STD while on vacation you won't get it. Condoms are an issue. He goes soft once one is put on. When we did use them before I was on birth control, he would secretly take it off without me knowing. He can't stay hard with one on and he has trouble staying hard without one too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boltnrun Posted April 2, 2017 Share Posted April 2, 2017 We have dated since we were 13 years old, on and off. We have been together currently 11 months. I was talking about how he cheated during our 4 month. So does that somehow make his cheating OK? Or does that obligate you to stick around forever being disrespected? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsbannapple Posted April 2, 2017 Author Share Posted April 2, 2017 So does that somehow make his cheating OK? Or does that obligate you to stick around forever being disrespected? No. Absolutely not does it make it okay. I know in the back of my head I let this happen because I stay with him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boltnrun Posted April 2, 2017 Share Posted April 2, 2017 Condoms are an issue. He goes soft once one is put on. When we did use them before I was on birth control, he would secretly take it off without me knowing. He can't stay hard with one on and he has trouble staying hard without one too. So you are willing to catch an STD just to try to hold on to this lying cheater? Because he hates condoms and because you've known him since you were 13? I don't understand your reasoning. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wiseman2 Posted April 2, 2017 Share Posted April 2, 2017 You're right he's abusive. Stop dating this creep. Anyone who cheats 4 mos in should be a deal breaker. How old is he? he would secretly take it off without me knowing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MissCanuck Posted April 2, 2017 Share Posted April 2, 2017 This guy is a jerk, OP. I really hope you start raising the standards for yourself and who you share your heart and body with. He is not someone you should trust, at all. Please get yourself tested for STIs too. This dude is shady. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsallgrand Posted April 2, 2017 Share Posted April 2, 2017 While he's gone, would be a good time to book a doctors appointment or stop by a clinic and get tested. It wouldn't be a bad idea either for you to speak to a health professional too about sexual health and your risks in your present situation. This man is high risk, and because you are being sexually active with him, you are high risk yourself. Maybe it would be a wake up call for you sitting in the clinic. That he takes the condom off without your permission is abusive and places your life at risk. Think about that really hard. Imagine living with a terrible disease, or becoming infertile, because you choose to stay with this man. Worth it? What about pregnancy? If your self esteem is this low, you are not ready for a relationship. That doesn't mean never, it means for now. The longer you stay, the further from your goal of having a healthy relationship you get. You are actively exposing yourself to damage - physically, emotionally, mentally. You get one life. Choose wisely. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jujusamples Posted April 2, 2017 Share Posted April 2, 2017 OP- your relationship with this guy is no where near healthy! Why would you want to be with a guy that cheated on you, used you as rebound (explains the controlling behavior) as in he tells you can't do certain things like go to parties and etc because his ex did it, and is controlling? They are all "red flags". You are getting terrible anxieties due to his past behavior. Isn't it tiring being in a relationship where you have to constantly worry? You shouldn't have to constantly worry, you should feel like you trust your boyfriend.In your case, I don't blame you for not trusting him. I do fault you for staying in a relationship with him. I was in a 5 year relationship and living together with a guy very similar to your boyfriend. I was your age at the time as well. I remember the constant worrying because this guy cheated on everyone he ever dated. I had major anxieties when the whole 5 years I was with him. Finally when I grew more mature and realized my mental and emotional health is more important and I deserve to be happy. I broke up with him. It's the best decision I've ever made. My life and relationships has gotten much better after him. Just something for you to think about. As much as you love him, think about your emotional and mental health first. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsbannapple Posted April 2, 2017 Author Share Posted April 2, 2017 This guy is a jerk, OP. I really hope you start raising the standards for yourself and who you share your heart and body with. He is not someone you should trust, at all. Please get yourself tested for STIs too. This dude is shady. I have gotten tested after he cheated on me. All negative. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JaggerJim Posted April 2, 2017 Share Posted April 2, 2017 I don't think he will stay faithful on vacation. I just have that feeling. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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