I have to leave my boyfriend but I don't know how or when

[luny911]

Hi everyone, I really need some support in this moment of my life. Unfortunately I don't have a lot of friends to talk to or even my family, they wouldn't understand what I'm going through without judging me.

First of all I'm not a native english speaker so you will find some mistakes, so sorry in advance.

 

We are both 25 years old. Some common friends introduced us.

I have been with this guy for 1 and a half years, things were going really good in the beginning but as often happens, things started to change in the last period, especially in the last 5 months.

It was me that had changed: i couldn't feel the energy and the affection I had before, maybe because as I grew knowing him better I knew that he was not the one for me, different interests, different views of things and life. He kept talking about future marriage, house together, kids, all sort of things that i don't see in my immediate future. We have different thoughts about religion, family, way of living life, and most of all we have some difficulties in the sex life, we just don't match for private reasons I'm not going to discuss here.

My unsatisfaction grew up more and more, as I was feeling every day more anxious and detatched from him, from all the friends we had in common, i couldnt stand to go to his house anymore at dinner with his family, as i was feeling it as if it was making me more affectionated to his family even more, even though I knew deep inside that this thing couldn't last for any longer... whoever has gone through what i'm going through can understand this, i suppose.

But during all of this, i still was confused, i thought that maybe it was just paranoia, maybe it was just depression, it was me, not him, as i couldnt find any flaw in what he was doing, he is such a caring and loving person, i couldnt ask for more, i can't find one thing that he does wrong to me, so i kept telling my self " i can't lose him, i have no reason for it, i would be a mad if i did", so things kept going on with my thoughts like this for the last 5 months.

the last straw was when he told me that, for me, for our relationships, he was giving up an important "job" opportunity, which means he doesnt want to go outside of our town anymore for work, but he will remain close, because he says if he leaves, then our relationship would suffer from it.

this sent me into a state of full depression and anxiety and also, of course, sense of guilt, because for me he is giving up something important, he cares a lot about us, but meanwhile i have all these thoughts, and now i've reached teh conclusion that our story must come to an end.

it has been 10 days that i've been locked up in my room, crying, cause i dont know how to escape this stiuation, everytime i see him is to go to his parents house, or to see friends, its like we never have some times to talk alone, and i just can't bring myself to send the infamous message "we need to talk", cause i imagine that would throw him into a state of panic, and i dont want him to panic or feel bad or sad, but i know this is inevitable. i just have no idea how to introduce the argument or how to express him what i'm feeling, everytime we see each other he is always so sweet and caring and i dont know how to "break" out of the blue with such a strong confession to make, which is i dont love him anymore and we should break up. I just have no idea how to.

I've seen him this afternoon, too, i was strongly decided to tell him and be clear and sincere to him, but as soon as he saw me he made this big smile, saying "hi my baby" kissing and hugging, and i couldnt find the strenght to tell him "no , we need to talk" or something like that.

I'ts like i'm blocked, i dont know how to react and im so afraid to hurt him a lot. or that he will be angry at me.

but just like its' not his fault if i dont love him anymore, its not my fault, either....

 

 

it seems like i just "fell out of love".. as stupid as it sounds...

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this but you are not feeling it and that's ok. The best approach is kind, honest and simple.

 

Without a lot of sugar coating or false hope and of course to not offer to be friends..

 

Tell him you are not on the same page and your feelings have changed and that you need to go no contact to reflect and heal.

[Lou1986]

It happens. People fall out of love... Sorry that it's happened to you. You need to be kind and tell him that you don't love him and want to break up. Your doing this for both you as going along with things is not fair to either of you. you wish him all the luck in the world he gets what he wants and you wish that one day he finds happiness. Good luck. It'll hurt at first but time is a great healer. Be kind to yourself

[Raggie]

Sending you a virtual hug.

 

Remember, it's actually kinder and more respectful to him to be truthful.

People are resilient.

 

Thinking of you!

[Emj2006]

Nothing wrong with that at all! To give you the guys' perpective here, yes this has happened to me when it seemed like my ex also seemed to have "fallen out of love." While at first it was difficult to hear of course, yes it did suck to hear that she was no longer "into it", however as time went on a few days later or so, I was thankful and appreciative that she told me in advance to not further lead me on. I would say definitely reach out to him and let him know where you stand! My advice would be to just be very careful with how you position it(without sugarcoating) to him when you present it as well. Just tell him that you hope he understands where you're coming from. It would be better for him to know now and for you guys to get adjusted without each other. of course, it is possible he may go into panic mode, etc and may not be easy for him at first, but it is important to get addressed as soon as possible as I think he needs to hear the talk from you when you can. Life always changes plans! But that's part of the thrill ride.

[jrb54]

My sister is in the same spot. She is in a relationship with a guy for a year and tells me all the time how she needs to end it and find someone new. I will tell you what I tell her. "Just end it". Be open and honest about it and don' t let your fears get in the way. It would be better that he knew about it immediately then sit on it while your unhappy. It sucks but it needs to be done. You can do this!

[luny911]

Thanks everyone for the kind replies...

I know inside that I'm closer and closer to that moment, it just breaks my heart deeply to imagine in my head his face turning to sad and disappointed because of me...

[Dahl]

This is on him, not you. Only he is responsible for himself.

 

Be strong. You are doing the right thing.

[Jibralta]

I know inside that I'm closer and closer to that moment, it just breaks my heart deeply to imagine in my head his face turning to sad and disappointed because of me...

 

I know, but the longer you wait, the worse it will be.

 

Too bad you weren't quicker on your feet when he told you about that job opportunity. You could have done it right then and there, and then he could take the job and start over fresh.

[luny911]

I know, but the longer you wait, the worse it will be.

 

Too bad you weren't quicker on your feet when he told you about that job opportunity. You could have done it right then and there, and then he could take the job and start over fresh.

 

he is still in time to do it, until late May i think, this is why i'm forcing myself to do it now! to give him the freedom of choosing without me

[Jibralta]

he is still in time to do it, until late May i think, this is why i'm forcing myself to do it now! to give him the freedom of choosing without me

 

Good. I think that's the best way.

[Familyties]

I went through the same thing during a four year long relationship. I wasn't happy for at least 1 year and for similar reasons. I kept talking myself out of breaking up. Made excuses as to why I felt the way i did. At one point, I was stressed during college exams and I hit my limit. I couldn't wait anymore and called him. I didn't have a choice at that moment, I needed to get it out. I felt guilty for having done it over the phone ( I drove over to his house afterwards to speak to him). The sooner you do it, the more control you will have of the situation and the better it will be for everyone involved. Good luck

[luny911]

Hi, im back again,

 

I did it, i talked to him today when he came to visit me next to my house before he went to job (as he Always does).

 

He was so sweet, he brought me some candies to cheer me up because I had failed an exam at university.

 

but i stopped him and i told him i wasnt sad just because of the exam but also because of us, the problems that we have, the fact that we see each other too few times, that we don't do things as a couple, that i feel alone most of the times, that i feel like he deserves more because i'm not loving him as much as he does love me. as i was saying this, i was crying more than him.

he behaved PERFECTLY, just telling me that i have to be happy, that he loves me and cares for me so if i'm not happy for whatever reason and i want to leave then it's fine.

 

that really surprised me to see him act like that, so mature and gentle, so I asked him "Why do you act so cold...?"

 

And he said "No i'm not cold, this is how i cope with things". and while saying this he started to cry, but he soon wore his sunglasses so i couldnt see it. He briefly hugged me, pinched my cheek saying "come on baby you can do it, now im being late so go away please".

 

that hurt me so much. he wasnt mean by saying that. he just meant "im hurt, i get you, now lets stay alone for a while".

 

we decided to talk again with calm in a couple of days but meanwhile im so confused.

 

why did i do this.... he acted so good, he's like the perfect man everyone would want. but i had all of the reasons in my mind to leave him... seeing him like that was so weird and so hurtful. Is it normal to have second thought ? i feel so guilty, so wrong, so incapable of love.

[Wiseman2]

He sounds very secure. However that doesn't mean are a good match or in a place to date him right now.