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Annoying friend that's a girl


Oceangirl921

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So my boyfriend has a very large group of friends that are male and female. There is a group of four of them that are really close. It's a couple, my boyfriend and another girl. They lived together for about a year. In my opinion the whole living situation was a bit weird. When we first starting dating the four of them would go out just the four of them all the time. After awhile it got old, because it was like a double date when they'd go out. Since it was with another couple.

 

More recently we went to a casino for my boyfriends bday and the three of them were here on top of a bunch of other people. When we were there I hung out with the two girls in the close knit group. When we came back together and the girl who is not a apart of the couple was near my boyfriend touching his arm I was taken aback. It made me uncomfortable about how touchy she was with him. She is like that with all guys that were there so it's not shocking. But hellloooo I'm literally standing right here.

 

So I told my boyfriend that I'm over this whole "double date" thing because personally I don't trust her and think it's weird that the four of them still go out when you've got a gf and it makes me uncomfortable and makes me feel ty when they all go out. I also said that I'm not sure if I could deal with these get togethers for the rest of my life. But then last night low and behold he tells me that she may be coming over to the get together he was having with thatcouple. I then see a snapchat with the four of them all cozy on the couch and it made me really uncomfortable. Thoughts on this?? Is it weird I want him to stop with the four them hanging out together? Thanks!

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I wouldn't blame the girl in this situation- it's your boyfriend who isn't enforcing boundaries. And perhaps theres a lack of understanding on relationship boundaries since him and this friend have done many things together.

 

Have you guys discussed any relationship boundaries at all? Because baded on your post, this seems to be a one time thing.

 

I have been in much worse situations of a girl flirting with my husband. Her Touching his arm is soooooo minor to be worked up about.

 

Solution: have a conversation with him about relationship boundaries. What's appropriate and what's not in a relationship, and see what he says. Then decide if you should continuing pursuing him.

 

EDIT: I completely missed this part...

 

But then last night low and behold he tells me that she may be coming over to the get together he was having with thatcouple.

In his defense:

1. His friendship with her came before you.

2. He isn't really spending alone time with her either. This interaction is very non sexual.

 

You need to trend carefully over his friendships and not to look like the possessive, controlling girlfriend. You need to speak up on spending alone time and see what he says. There really seems to be a lot of miscommunication here based on his responses. Like you said, you walked in a relationship with a social butterfly.

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She touches his arm. So what? I touch friends, both guys and gals, when engaging with them. Seems natural enough to me.

 

This seems to be the dynamic for this group of friends. If it works, more power to them. Personally, I don't think there's foul play going on, but I could understand someone being put off by a perceived double-datey dynamic going on. But that's on you to either take or leave. It's not like it's been some deep, hidden secret. If you don't like the fact a woman touches his arm or that he hangs out with all these friends, dump him. It'd be wrong to get him to stop or to even push him to create some new boundary of no friendly touching.

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I am in a somewhat similar situation, except I am the friend of the boyfriend. I've been dear friends with him since the 5th grade, and our little group has been intact since 6th grade. I have absolutely no and have never had any romantic interest in him (in fact, I'm quasi-trying to reconcile with another member of the group who recently dumped me). Nonetheless, my friend's new girlfriend has it out for me. She feels threatened by me because I can make him laugh and because there is a group text message. I treat him exactly how I treat my other friends (and how my other friends treat him), but she is convinced I am going to use my feminine wiles to seduce him away from her.

 

My friend is incredibly in love with this girl. Whenever we talk (or when we used to talk, before that was forbidden by his girlfriend), he would just go on rants about how wonderful she was and how great she made him feel on every level. He was desperate for us to meet her, to like her, and for her to like us. At first, when I was still with my ex, she did like us, but she became threatened by another single female presence in his life. It's worth noting that we spend very little time together (one dinner every month, if that) and that she spends almost every evening with him, but in her mind texting me or seeing me once in a blue moon is tantamount to cheating.

 

It's ripping my group (and me specifically) apart, and it's really hurting my friend. He's in love with her, and he thinks it's his duty to put his love before his friends, but he's confided to the other guys in my group that it hurts him to have to ostracize someone he's been close with for 17 years at the whim of someone he's known for six months. If she keeps this up, eventually there's going to be a fracture in their relationship.

 

For the sake of your relationship, have a conversation with him that involves both of you talking and trying to accommodate. By all means tell him you don't like him hanging out with her by himself, but also understand that these people mean something to him. You don't want to give him an ultimatum, because they rarely end well for the issuer. And for pity's sake, don't make him break up this solid friendship.

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Oh don't be that girl, that tries to isolate her man from his friends. If you have a problem with "her", then just deal with her one on one. Leave all his other friends out of it.

 

But personally, if he loves to be the center of attention, then you'll probably always find him in these situations. It's up to you if you can handle it.

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So you want your insecurity to dictate who your boyfriend can and can't be friends with? You should break up with him and find someone who doesn't have any female friends.

 

I will never understand why people let insecurity be the ruling emotion in a relationship. Why people think it's appropriate to ask your partner to limit their life so you don't have to face and deal with your insecurity. If he's going to cheat on you he's going to. Do you really want a relationship where the only reason he doesn't cheat is because he's never around single women? Wrecking a long standing friendship because you are insecure is an awful way to treat someone.

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I was checking ages because if he was 40 and had 3 roommates, I might tell you to run but at 24, that's all good.

 

I've been on all the sides of this...and all of them suck.

 

I've lost a couple of male friends due to jealous gfs...which sucks because they were my buddies and I enjoyed their friendships a lot. Thankfully both my buddies that I lost are now married to those gfs- so at least I didn't get ditched for a fling...

 

I've also been the jealous gf. The thing is...when I was the jealous gf (it only happened in one relationship, and I don't really think I was jealous so much as weary), it had nothing to do with the females he was friends with...it had to do with trusting the guy I was with. He wasn't trustworthy...he had cheated on multiple gfs in the past...I really should have ditched him much sooner instead of trying to give him the benefit of the doubt.

 

My husband is currently out alone with one of his besties- a very cute, single girl that used to be his roommate...and I'm not worried in the slightest. He's a dedicated, trustworthy husband, and I really like his friend. I've never worried about any of his friendships...although...one of his friends ended up getting very insecure about their friendship over me. When him and I first started dating, one of his friends was convinced that I was preventing them from being friends...and because she got all dramatic (without cause) they no longer really talk all that much. I mean, she wasn't my favourite person, but I didn't object to their friendship (I actually encouraged it because I knew she was important to him). He was equally confused by her dramatic conclusions about my preventing their friendship...so at least she looks like the crazy one and not me. But that still sucks that they aren't really friends anymore.

 

 

I guess what I'm trying to say is...you need to figure out if your bf is trustworthy. If he is, you have to trust that he'll behave appropriately and maintain proper boundaries. If he's not trustworthy...it's time to end things and find a guy that is.

 

Does your bf spend enough time with you? Usually at a year in, couple are spending a bit more time together...my husband and I were seeing each other 3-4 nights a week and talking most days...I think that's pretty typical. How does he treat you? Have you met his family and friends (outside of the roommates)?

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I seem to see him usually only on the weekends. I work until about 7 every evening and he travels to NYC or other cities during the work week. I have met his family.

 

I think I am working on the trusting. He told me that he cheated on gfs but in high school so that was about five years ago and he hasn't done so since. This particular female friend and him have been friends for about two years. And I don't believe they have hung out alone since he way beginning of our relationship.

 

There is a girl he has been friends with since high school. They have very similar interests but she lives in his hometown. I was totally cool with them being friends and meeting her, until I found out they slept together on multiple occasions. Is that ty of me to ask him to end that friendship because there actually was a sexual past involved?

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I think what you see is what you get. Less than a yr into dating don't try to change him but rather decide if you want to feel like odd man out with his friends or want his collection of exes in tow.

Is that ty of me to ask him to end that friendship because there actually was a sexual past involved?
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So I told my boyfriend that I'm over this whole "double date" thing because personally I don't trust her and think it's weird that the four of them still go out when you've got a gf and it makes me uncomfortable and makes me feel ty when they all go out. I also said that I'm not sure if I could deal with these get togethers for the rest of my life.

 

When you told him this, how did he respond? Did you have a discussion? What did he say?

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Try not to harp on if they had/have a thing. It makes you sound jealous and insecure an weakens your position.

Instead ask if he can evolve from being in lock-step with them and do more one on one things or what about doing stuff with your friends.

He's always like what am I going to do? Say no to hanging out with them because that girl is going to be there? He had told me before there has never been a past between them and he would never do anything to hurt me.
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Just find another guy. In order for you two to be compatible, he needs to almost completely flip his social life.

 

Truly, I don't understand why people go with this kind of thing. I've dated women who ended up being very close to an ex or who were close friends with guys who very obviously wanted more. I simply stepped out and left them to continue on with the social life that existed well before I came into the picture. Maybe they'll find a guy who accepts it. Maybe they'll burn enough relationship bridges that they'll be self-motivated to change things up. In any case, it's not going to be me who nags and demands until they let up and resent me for it.

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I was checking ages because if he was 40 and had 3 roommates, I might tell you to run but at 24, that's all good.

 

I've been on all the sides of this...and all of them suck.

 

I've lost a couple of male friends due to jealous gfs...which sucks because they were my buddies and I enjoyed their friendships a lot. Thankfully both my buddies that I lost are now married to those gfs- so at least I didn't get ditched for a fling...

 

I've also been the jealous gf. The thing is...when I was the jealous gf (it only happened in one relationship, and I don't really think I was jealous so much as weary), it had nothing to do with the females he was friends with...it had to do with trusting the guy I was with. He wasn't trustworthy...he had cheated on multiple gfs in the past...I really should have ditched him much sooner instead of trying to give him the benefit of the doubt.

 

My husband is currently out alone with one of his besties- a very cute, single girl that used to be his roommate...and I'm not worried in the slightest. He's a dedicated, trustworthy husband, and I really like his friend. I've never worried about any of his friendships...although...one of his friends ended up getting very insecure about their friendship over me. When him and I first started dating, one of his friends was convinced that I was preventing them from being friends...and because she got all dramatic (without cause) they no longer really talk all that much. I mean, she wasn't my favourite person, but I didn't object to their friendship (I actually encouraged it because I knew she was important to him). He was equally confused by her dramatic conclusions about my preventing their friendship...so at least she looks like the crazy one and not me. But that still sucks that they aren't really friends anymore.

 

 

I guess what I'm trying to say is...you need to figure out if your bf is trustworthy. If he is, you have to trust that he'll behave appropriately and maintain proper boundaries. If he's not trustworthy...it's time to end things and find a guy that is.

 

Does your bf spend enough time with you? Usually at a year in, couple are spending a bit more time together...my husband and I were seeing each other 3-4 nights a week and talking most days...I think that's pretty typical. How does he treat you? Have you met his family and friends (outside of the roommates)?

 

Very healthy attitude!

 

OP, don't be that awful, insecure gf that cuts him off from his closest friends. They were there, before you.

 

Does this interfere with your time with him, or when you are not around - I know of the one instance you all went out?

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I think what you see is what you get. Less than a yr into dating don't try to change him but rather decide if you want to feel like odd man out with his friends or want his collection of exes in tow.

 

After reading all of your posts, I agree with this. He's not the guy for you. He's always got stuff on the scene that makes you uncomfortable. Instead of trying to change him, just accept that is who he is and walk away.

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He's always like what am I going to do? Say no to hanging out with them because that girl is going to be there? He had told me before there has never been a past between them and he would never do anything to hurt me.

 

Well, he has a point. This could put him in a tough situation, forcing him to choose between you and his friends. Are you not invited when they get together?

 

When I first started dating my boyfriend, he got angry at my friend, Jack, for reaching over and feeling the lapel of my jacket (which was velvet). He thought that Jack was overstepping his bounds--practically hitting on me--and right in front of him! Fortunately, my boyfriend didn't make a big scene about it. He took me aside and told me how he felt. Having known Jack for years, I knew that this 'lapel-grab' had been totally innocent. But it was difficult to convince my boyfriend of that. It put me in the same difficult situation that your boyfriend is in. But I said, "Please just get to know him. He's really a good guy." And to his credit, my boyfriend did just that... and realized that Jack is a good dude! Jack is now married, and we see him and his wife regularly.

 

Maybe if you get to know her better, you'll feel better about the whole thing. She may not be a terrible person!

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