StuartM1 Posted March 31, 2017 Share Posted March 31, 2017 Ive been split with my ex of 4 years just over a month..(dumpee) and ive met this really nice girl through an online dating website. We initially spoke 2 days on the phone before meeting up yesterday for a date in which it ended with her staying over at my house and we slept together. Shes over the 3 days we have been so open and honest with each other through deep conversation.. its as if shes the female version of me and its the type of woman ive always wanted and had lacked in past relationships, she shares the same morals/values, shes smart, good family backround, is motivated in both her work and social life, mature and has so many cool interests similar to myself. I could see myself being really happy with with this girl. Theres a couple of things which is making me feel unsure about pursuing this further. I have no intention watsover with chasing my ex or wanting to be with her, in the month ive been away from her (full NC) ive realised that she has alot of issues that she isnt willing to work on. We are completely different on our outlook om life and she has alot of traits that i just dont want in a potential life partner which all ive only been able to fully notice once ive been away from her. In my eyes i feel im over her although she does still cross my mind everyday. Im not pining for her but just have thoughts about what shes doing etc. With this going on in the back of my mind from time to time plus a feeling of being slightly overwhelmed at this new situation and how different she is from my ex in A VERY GOOD WAY. I think another issue i have is that this girl is really pretty but shes a good bit overweight. Ideally i would prefer a slimmer woman but its really hard to just kill the situation straight away because i dont nesesscarily find her body attractive. Im just in limbo as to what to do because i really like this girl..we both know there is a great connection there, weve spoken on a level that you couldnt imagine only knowing someone 3 days. I just dont know what to do..its like my heart is saying go for it but my brain is producing some type of fear response around the whole thing. I just dont want anybody getting hurt, therefore i thought id come on here for a different perspective or advice. Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted March 31, 2017 Share Posted March 31, 2017 Ok slow down because you may be rebounding. Give this lady the heads up that you just ended something and need to take it slow and stay casual. Don't string her along just for sex or because you're lonely. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted March 31, 2017 Share Posted March 31, 2017 Your brain is producing a fear response because it seems like you're looking to this new woman as someone who can make you feel better after your breakup. You cannot possibly plan a future with a woman you've had one date with and slept with once! Slow down...a relationship isn't a race. Link to comment
StuartM1 Posted March 31, 2017 Author Share Posted March 31, 2017 Yeah she knows all that.. and i wouldnt do that i.e why im on her asking for advice.. as i said i dont want anybody getting hurt. I also dont feel lonely, im quite happy to go on working on and by myself and i know yo take things slow but its basically do you, continue dating now and again/ texting or do you just cut ties because of the weight thing and feeling slightly overwhelmed at the minute. I just dont wana make any rash disisions Link to comment
JaggerJim Posted March 31, 2017 Share Posted March 31, 2017 Keep it casual, because you've already picked out a flaw that your not really happy about. Her weight. So just make sure you tell her your keeping things casual for now. See if you can get past the weight issue and see how things go for awhile. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted March 31, 2017 Share Posted March 31, 2017 Are you going to want her to lose weight? Because, if so, then she will never be anything to you other than a place holder and someone to stave off the loneliness. In the meantime, she may fall in love with you which will put you in the uncomfortable position of having to break up with her. Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted March 31, 2017 Share Posted March 31, 2017 If you are feeling kind of bored or not attracted or indifferent already it may be best to tell her you aren't ready to date and end it. Are you afraid of hurting her? do you, continue dating now and again/ texting or do you just cut ties because of the weight thing and feeling slightly overwhelmed at the minute. Link to comment
JaggerJim Posted March 31, 2017 Share Posted March 31, 2017 I think you should end it while it's just in the beginning stages. She'll understand. Then you can move on and fine someone who ticks all the boxes. Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted March 31, 2017 Share Posted March 31, 2017 This is pretty text book actually. Let me guess. . the moment you felt like there was no return to the ex was the moment this other girl showed up? Close your eyes and imagine you are not distracted by her or any other shiny object on an internet dating site. Would you still be thinking of your ex? It intoxicating to transfer grief to the high of the infatuation of someone new. It magically makes all the bad feelings go away. At least temporarily. I personally avoid men like you that are looking for someone to sooth them while they are grieving. It's not fair to another to do that, even if you aren't able to admit it to yourself. You are on a high and few dates in you already see a ch*nk in the chain. Her weight of all things. . its like my heart is saying go for it but my brain is producing some type of fear response around the whole thing. the fear is what you should listen to. The fear is telling you to slow down and it's not what you think it is. This isn't your magic soul mate. She just a temporary band aid, a nice one at that. And entirely not fair to her. Just take it slow. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted March 31, 2017 Share Posted March 31, 2017 This is pretty text book actually. Let me guess. . the moment you felt like there was no return to the ex was the moment this other girl showed up? Close your eyes and imagine you are not distracted by her or any other shiny object on an internet dating site. Would you still be thinking of your ex? It intoxicating to transfer grief to the high of the infatuation of someone new. It magically makes all the bad feelings go away. At least temporarily. I personally avoid men like you that are looking for someone to sooth them while they are grieving. It's not fair to another to do that, even if you aren't able to admit it to yourself. You are on a high and few dates in you already see a ch*nk in the chain. Her weight of all things. . its like my heart is saying go for it but my brain is producing some type of fear response around the whole thing. the fear is what you should listen to. The fear is telling you to slow down and it's not what you think it is. This isn't your magic soul mate. She just a temporary band aid, a nice one at that. And entirely not fair to her. I find it hilarious that word was edited out. You weren't using it as a racial slur lol! I agree with your assessment, though. My guess is this woman will fall in love and the OP will not feel the same. Already her weight is an issue. Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted March 31, 2017 Share Posted March 31, 2017 I find it hilarious that word was edited out. You weren't using it as a racial slur lol! I agree with your assessment, though. My guess is this woman will fall in love and the OP will not feel the same. Already her weight is an issue. Ha ha . I wrote it three times. I didn't think anyone used that term in ages. I goes to show how long ENA has been around. Link to comment
StuartM1 Posted March 31, 2017 Author Share Posted March 31, 2017 Yeah i am afraid of hurting her Link to comment
StuartM1 Posted March 31, 2017 Author Share Posted March 31, 2017 Yeah thats what i feels happening she seems to be falling pretty hard, but not so much me. Its like she has everything i want in a woman but theres something thats holding me back..the whole "fear thing" i just dunno what it is Link to comment
Clio Posted April 1, 2017 Share Posted April 1, 2017 You shouldn't have slept with her if you felt that way. Sorry to say that after that she is going to be hurt no matter what. Most people would feel hurt in such a situation. The weight thing didn't stop you from having sex but it is an issue for having a relationship? I think that you really need to take a step back and reflect on your personal values... What you described is textbook rebounding. You need to stop misleading her. She is going to feel hurt. Had you told her about the break up and how recent it was? If yes, at least she knew about the risk... Link to comment
nsolo Posted April 1, 2017 Share Posted April 1, 2017 Stuart, I understand your dilemma, and let me tell you: I believe that your reluctance to really want to commit to this new girl is because she's not hot enough. Also, four years together and a month now apart? Give yourself a break and accept that you're not over it. You may feel like you are, but you aren't. Four years of being connected with someone takes a while to get behind you, and you will probably always think about her for the rest of your life to an extent. I think about all of my exes from time to time. Even the ones I've been with for only a few months. I love each of them, though I love one particularly very, very much still. It's all right, man. Take it easy, have fun with new women, and remain in no-contact with the ex, in my opinion. Also, when considering how you may mention your wanting to be more casual with someone, this may give you some insight of what to say. A girl I'm dating told me something along the lines of the following after four or five dates: "I want you to know that I've been having a lot of fun with you. This has all been really nice, and I've really been enjoying myself with you. I want you to know though that I was married for a very long time, and I've only been dating for a couple years now since then. I am still looking to keep my freedom, date multiple people and that sort of thing. I wanted you to know that and put that out there." My response (with a grin) was, "Well I'm glad we're on the same page." We've now been on something like 15 dates? I'm dating others too, and she may or may not be dating others herself. Eventually she may bring up the exclusivity talk, and I will decide then what I think about that. There's nothing wrong with you taking a similar path, in my opinion. Link to comment
JaggerJim Posted April 1, 2017 Share Posted April 1, 2017 Stuart, I understand your dilemma, and let me tell you: I believe that your reluctance to really want to commit to this new girl is because she's not hot enough. Lol this made me laugh. I do think tho, your re-bounding. Link to comment
StuartM1 Posted April 1, 2017 Author Share Posted April 1, 2017 Stuart, I understand your dilemma, and let me tell you: I believe that your reluctance to really want to commit to this new girl is because she's not hot enough. Also, four years together and a month now apart? Give yourself a break and accept that you're not over it. You may feel like you are, but you aren't. Four years of being connected with someone takes a while to get behind you, and you will probably always think about her for the rest of your life to an extent. I think about all of my exes from time to time. Even the ones I've been with for only a few months. I love each of them, though I love one particularly very, very much still. It's all right, man. Take it easy, have fun with new women, and remain in no-contact with the ex, in my opinion. Also, when considering how you may mention your wanting to be more casual with someone, this may give you some insight of what to say. A girl I'm dating told me something along the lines of the following after four or five dates: "I want you to know that I've been having a lot of fun with you. This has all been really nice, and I've really been enjoying myself with you. I want you to know though that I was married for a very long time, and I've only been dating for a couple years now since then. I am still looking to keep my freedom, date multiple people and that sort of thing. I wanted you to know that and put that out there." My response (with a grin) was, "Well I'm glad we're on the same page." We've now been on something like 15 dates? I'm dating others too, and she may or may not be dating others herself. Eventually she may bring up the exclusivity talk, and I will decide then what I think about that. There's nothing wrong with you taking a similar path, in my opinion. I had to finish things with her tonight after our 3rd date in 4 days.. i just didnt feel right, she was an awsome girl but i just had this feeling lying over me that its not what i needed right now. I wouldnt go on continuing to lie to her or myself, it wouldnt be fair Link to comment
JaggerJim Posted April 1, 2017 Share Posted April 1, 2017 How did she take it. You did the right thing for the long run. Link to comment
StuartM1 Posted April 2, 2017 Author Share Posted April 2, 2017 How did she take it. You did the right thing for the long run. cut it off with this new girl on the 3rd night of seeing her. I just didnt feel right. I didnt want to lie to myself or her, so i told her how i felt and she was fine with it. Im just going to go back to focusing entirely on myself, and getting over this breakup the right way. Also when i was out with this girl last night, im near certain that a car drove past with the guy that had been given my ex the drugs and she was on the back..so if it was her im sure she seen me with this girl. How do you think she would of reacted or what will she be thinking? Link to comment
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