Jump to content

He's insensitive


plmagnet29

Recommended Posts

I got called back to the doctor's office yesterday morning (Thursday) due to abnormal results she received from my Pap Smear. Needless to say I was freaking out and a mess on Wednesday night. I talked to my boyfriend on the phone that night and he did try to put my mind at ease and distract me with other conversation topics. We said good night and yesterday morning I went to the doctor's office. What she told me wasn't great and I'll need to do further tests. It was a very sad day for me. My boyfriend? Never called to find out how it went even though he knew how stressed out i was about the whole thing. Now...bear in mind...we talk on the phone everyday, sometimes several times a day, not to mention he comes over to my apartment a few times a week. We're together ALL THE TIME! And then yesterday of all days he goes silent? What gives? I don't understand and am trying to make sense of all this. Why would he do something so cruel and insensitive like this? I haven't called him at all, I'm very hurt and angry. On the day I needed him the most he just didn't show. I don't know what to do. Please help!!

Link to comment

Didn't want to unset you and figured you would call and talk when you were ready. And that perhaps you would rather talk to friends and family about things first.

 

When you calm down, call him and say you were too upset to call him yesterday and that you have to go for more tests. Stop "freaking out", wait until you are calm to discuss sensitive matters.

 

People don't read minds and many may assume your silence meant you would rather be alone or talk to others about it. Why alienate the support you want by having a fit?

Never called to find out how it went. I haven't called him at all, I'm very hurt and angry. On the day I needed him the most he just didn't show. I don't know what to do. Please help!!
Link to comment

Hello and welcome to the forum. I'm sorry that you're going through this and I wish you the best of health. Don't hesitate to ask your doctor for assistance with dealing with the mental and emotional effects of a health challenge. They're there to help in any number of ways - you needn't suffer alone through anything.

 

Is this related to an STD/STI? I only ask lest this potential may explain your partner's abruptly becoming distant and cold toward you.

 

Take care and good luck.

Link to comment

Is this related to an STD/STI? I only ask lest this potential may explain your partner's abruptly becoming distant and cold toward you.

 

Take care and good luck.

 

I was thinking the same thing.

How long have you two been together?

Maybe he's concerned that you've stepped out, or he's stepped out on you?

Maybe he brought it with him into the relationship and knew about it before hand?

 

don't mean to alarm you, but. . .

 

Maybe it's nothing and guys are not like our girlfriends or our mothers. They don't always respond the way we think they ought to

or would like them to.

Link to comment

It's not even really that we get creeped out about this kind of thing. If you want to talk, then reach out.

 

Going so far as to call him insensitive, not to mention cruel is more than a little absurd.

 

It's not exactly like it'd be if he were calling to see how work went that day. A LOT of people, men and women alike, if faced with negative or uncertain medical results would prefer to have the opportunity to collect themselves before their partners call them, essentially asking [in your case], "Hey, so do ya have cervical cancer or what?" In fact, it's the safest and kindest for him to assume so because if he's right, he's given you the space you need to deal with whatever news (or relative lacktherof), and if he's wrong and you do want to talk about it, you can simply call him.

 

I understand it's a stressful situation, but 1) speaking in terms of a potential medical condition, try your best to simply cross the bridge when / **IF** you get to it and 2) don't channel your stress by emotionally lashing out at him.

Link to comment
Didn't want to unset you and figured you would call and talk when you were ready. And that perhaps you would rather talk to friends and family about things first.

 

When you calm down, call him and say you were too upset to call him yesterday and that you have to go for more tests. Stop "freaking out", wait until you are calm to discuss sensitive matters.

 

People don't read minds and many may assume your silence meant you would rather be alone or talk to others about it. Why alienate the support you want by having a fit?

 

You're right, thank you so much for your input. I'll try to calm down and if he doesn't call me by tonight I'll call him. The thing is we're both away from our families as they're back in our native country and we basically only have each other for situations such as these. When he got sick and needed to go to the doctor I was always there by his side. It hurts that he's not doing the same now especially considering this is a much more serious issue.

 

Anyway...thank you again!

Link to comment
Hello and welcome to the forum. I'm sorry that you're going through this and I wish you the best of health. Don't hesitate to ask your doctor for assistance with dealing with the mental and emotional effects of a health challenge. They're there to help in any number of ways - you needn't suffer alone through anything.

 

Is this related to an STD/STI? I only ask lest this potential may explain your partner's abruptly becoming distant and cold toward you.

 

Take care and good luck.

 

Hi! In answer to your question, yes, it is a STD virus. They detected high risk HPV and abnormal cells inside my uterus. This virus is the # 1 cause of cervical cancer. I'll need to do a colposcopy (biopsy) in order to determine whether or not the cells are cancerous. But the thing is...he's the only sexual partner I have ever had. Lost my virginity to him (obviously!) and never had sex with anyone else but him in my life. That's why I've been so upset with his very hard to understand behavior. Anyway...thanks for taking the time to reply to my post and for the encouraging words!

Link to comment

It sounds like he's treating you as a mature young woman who will discuss her personal news in her own time and IF she wants company or needs to talk she'll communicate that in a mature way.

 

See, I would hate this and feel smothered and mommied.

When he got sick and needed to go to the doctor I was always there by his side.
Link to comment
I was thinking the same thing.

How long have you two been together?

Maybe he's concerned that you've stepped out, or he's stepped out on you?

Maybe he brought it with him into the relationship and knew about it before hand?

 

don't mean to alarm you, but. . .

 

Maybe it's nothing and guys are not like our girlfriends or our mothers. They don't always respond the way we think they ought to

or would like them to.

 

We've been together since 2008 and he's the only sexual partner I've ever had.

 

And yes, maybe I'm overreacting, just set my expectations too high maybe.

 

Thanks!

Link to comment
why didn't you just call him and update him?

 

Hi! Maybe I should have done that. But he's the one who's always calling to check up on me. Of course I call him too but he calls more often than I do. That's why I've been so shocked by his silence all of a sudden, on a day that I really needed him there for me.

Link to comment
It's not even really that we get creeped out about this kind of thing. If you want to talk, then reach out.

 

Going so far as to call him insensitive, not to mention cruel is more than a little absurd.

 

It's not exactly like it'd be if he were calling to see how work went that day. A LOT of people, men and women alike, if faced with negative or uncertain medical results would prefer to have the opportunity to collect themselves before their partners call them, essentially asking [in your case], "Hey, so do ya have cervical cancer or what?" In fact, it's the safest and kindest for him to assume so because if he's right, he's given you the space you need to deal with whatever news (or relative lacktherof), and if he's wrong and you do want to talk about it, you can simply call him.

 

I understand it's a stressful situation, but 1) speaking in terms of a potential medical condition, try your best to simply cross the bridge when / **IF** you get to it and 2) don't channel your stress by emotionally lashing out at him.

 

Thank you so much for your reply, it really helped me see things from a different perspective. I'm too sensitive most of the time and maybe I'm just overreacting by calling him cruel. That's too strong of a word and I'm probably being unfair. I guess I just expected more of him, that's all. When he didn't meet my expectations it's like the walls came crushing down on me. Save a handful of friends we have here, we basically only have each other and I counted on him to give me some support. But most likely he didn't see it the same way. I guess I'll have to get over the hurt and reach out to him. It will be tough though, I'm not gonna lie. Thanks anyway for taking the time to answer my question, I really appreciate it!

Link to comment

Then it goes without saying you contracted it from him.

9 years together and what was his history prior to meeting him and while you've been together?

Is it possible he's MIA because his conscious is bothering him?

 

You seem more concerned about a phone call then are you on how you might have contracted this.

Or maybe it's one in the same.

Link to comment
Then it goes without saying you contracted it from him.

9 years together and what was his history prior to meeting him and while you've been together?

Is it possible he's MIA because his conscious is bothering him?

 

You seem more concerned about a phone call then are you on how you might have contracted this.

Or maybe it's one in the same.

Normally, I'd agree, but I don't think it's an issue in this case. Something like 80% of sexually active people get HPV at some point and it's not detectable in men. His conscience shouldn't bother him because he couldn't tell her he had it even if he wanted to. So, as much as I hate pitting responsibility on one party, if you're a woman who chooses to have unprotected sex with a man, you should do so under the presumption you will contract it.

 

I really don't think it's a matter of being cold or a racked conscience. If anything, I'd assume it a matter of respect in that if she wants to talk about it, she will.

Link to comment
Normally, I'd agree, but I don't think it's an issue in this case. Something like 80% of sexually active people get HPV at some point and it's not detectable in men. His conscious shouldn't bother him because he couldn't tell her he had it even if he wanted to. So, as much as I hate pitting responsibility on one party, if you're a woman who chooses to have unprotected sex with a man, you should do so under the presumption you will contract it.

 

But. . .If he has stepped out during the 9 years I imagine he might be avoiding calling her about her update.

 

Assuming she's had yearly exams and the HPV has not been present in years previously?

 

AND. . He could have a previous partner that reported this finding to him, he might know that it's likely he's a carrier and he should have disclosed it.

But having said that. . it would have turned up sooner than 9 years in.

 

This issue isn't necessarily about the odds in contracting it.

It's the question as to why he may not be contacting her after she received the results.

 

Is it just a coincidence or not?

Link to comment
This issue isn't necessarily about the odds in contracting it.

It's the question as to why he may not be contacting her after she received the results./QUOTE]I get that. But I can't see a single reason in the world not to assume he sees her medical dealings, particularly those involving her cervix and potentially cancer, as a very personal issue that she'll share with him on her terms.

 

I'd consider anything else to be unnecessarily alarmist.

Link to comment

But I can't see a single reason in the world not to assume he sees her medical dealings as a very personal issue

 

 

You could be right. . That may be the way he views it.

But if he doesn't know the nature of results then I could see why he might not be reaching out.

 

But if he does . . .

 

It's not like she had a root canal

 

It's no longer just her issue. This does involve him.

 

To what degree remains to be seen.

 

Had it been a root canal. . .I don't think she would be here posting.

Link to comment

I actually blame my breakup in part to a similar situation. My doctor thought I had a small tumor on my pituitary gland and sent me for a brain scan and everything. I was extremely stressed out, of course, and each test before the scan (blood tests, mostly) made me more nervous. My boyfriend was a rock...or so I thought.

 

Of course, when I found out that I had no tumor I ended up telling his mother and the rest of his family at the same time as him (she was in the hospital that day, I wanted to tell him in person, and she asked before I had the chance to). He screamed at me almost a month later, a week after leaving me, that he had thought I was dying and that I hadn't even bothered to tell him personally that I wasn't.

 

What I'm saying is that guys can get freaked out by this. He hadn't told me at all how those calls and texts made him feel, what he felt like when I had all the headaches and the blood tests, etc. He just was there for me and burying his own feelings deep down, and they ended up exploding out of him. Once we've had some time away from our big fight (about a month ago now), I'm going to try and address it.

 

Talk to your boyfriend, and as awful as this is for you, talk to him and make sure he's doing okay, too. Just make sure both of you are communicating.

Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...