New relationship, new problems.

[xoMariah]

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 3 months, going on 4. I have social anxiety and he has schizophrenia which means to me he gets quite upset quickly. Also a few weeks ago he broke up with me because his lawyer told him that he couldn't be in a relationship if he wanted his daughter back & something about his divorce becoming finalise and I was heartbroken and he pushed everyone away including family that same day. I didn't hear from him until the next morning as he text me "I don't wanna break up, I wanna be with you" of course I took him back but I'm afraid he might end up doing it again. I'm lost on what to do. I'm 19, and he's 25 so I'm new to this. I can't turn to any of my friends and family because they do not understand what's going on. Lately when he knows something is wrong with me he gets upset, and he tells me to my face "You know if you don't tell me what's going, on that's going to lead to me becoming distant bc you won't open up." Now I battle with anxiety on a daily basis so to me this is basically him saying I'm going to end things with you if you don't open up, but there are some things I can't bring myself to talk about. I notice he's becoming distant because he would usually call me and text me all the time, but now it's hardly nothing unless I communicate first. He has a 4 year old daughter and I have NO experience being a stepmom, so when he gets joint custody of her, I want to be like a second mom to her. I'm just lost on this whole situation before things take a worse..

[gebaird]

If you were my daughter, I would be very worried for you, Mariah. The first six months of a relationship are usually very happy as you fall in love and get to know each other. To experience problems like this so early is a serious red flag. You're probably not ready to let this go just yet, but please know your worth and don't hesitate to walk away if you're not getting the respect you deserve.

[xoMariah]

If you were my daughter, I would be very worried for you, Mariah. The first six months of a relationship are usually very happy as you fall in love and get to know each other. To experience problems like this so early is a serious red flag. You're probably not ready to let this go just yet, but please know your worth and don't hesitate to walk away if you're not getting the respect you deserve.

 

Thank you for your honest opinion. I'm worried for myself too. I have anxiety and taking medicine daily but I fear it's going to get severe because I worry about him, what if he's going to dump me, what if he doesn't love me, what if he doesn't want to have a future, etc?

 

He respects me on a daily, don't get me wrong but I'm willing to learn more about his illness first. One thing I have noticed is he isn't the same guy I met the first few weeks, but I'm still getting to know him.

[Wiseman2]

Ok to be honest he has way too many problems and red flags. He's married, he has a child and schizophrenia a notoriously difficult to manage illness.

 

You should cut you losses at three months, not thinking about being 'a step mom" You are dating not married or living together you are thinking way way too far ahead in a very Disney romanticized way..

 

He's not ready to date, no less be in a relationship. Spare yourself a lot of pain if he goes back to his wife or his schizophrenia exacerbates. "People don't understand" because they are telling you to run but you are infatuated at this point.

dating 3 months.

he has schizophrenia

his lawyer told him that he couldn't be in a relationship if he wanted his daughter

his divorce becoming finalise

[xoMariah]

Ok to be honest he has way too many problems and red flags. He's married, he had a child and schizophrenia a notoriously difficult to manage.

 

You should cut you losses at three months, not thinking about being 'a step mom" You are dating not married or living together you are thinking way way too far ahead in a very Disney romanticized way..

 

He's not ready to date, no less be in a relationship. Spare yourself a lot of pain if he goes back to his wife or his schizophrenia exacerbates. "People don't understand" because they are telling you to run but you are infatuated at this point.

 

Well, his divorce is already finalised. He doesn't want anything to do with her. At all. She cheated, stole from him, lied, anything you can think of. The sad thing I know who she is & her past but I didn't know the two were married..

 

My point is he's on medication but he's not taking it as prescribed like I have too. He told me he would walk away first if it comes down to his mental health. He doesn't want to bring me down in his problems, as I'm young and has life ahead of me.

[Hollyj]

" I can't turn to any of my friends and family because they do not understand what's going on."

 

This type of comment, means you need to end it! You know that there are huge problems here, and he is not good for your health.

[Hollyj]

Well, his divorce is already finalised. He doesn't want anything to do with her. At all. She cheated, stole from him, lied, anything you can think of. The sad thing I know who she is & her past but I didn't know the two were married..

 

My point is he's on medication but he's not taking it as prescribed like I have too. He told me he would walk away first if it comes down to his mental health. He doesn't want to bring me down in his problems, as I'm young and has life ahead of me.

 

This is really unstable . You have dated a very short time, and there are some major issues. You should remove yourself from this. It is not a stable future, and he does not take his meds.

[Wiseman2]

He's right, listen to him. Walk away.

he's on medication but he's not taking it. He doesn't want to bring me down in his problems, as I'm young and has life ahead of me.

[Hollyj]

You are a young girl and have no commitment to this guy. Why would you entertain a future with him?

 

Signs and Symptoms

 

Symptoms of schizophrenia usually start between ages 16 and 30. In rare cases, children have schizophrenia too.

 

The symptoms of schizophrenia fall into three categories: positive, negative, and cognitive.

 

Positive symptoms: “Positive” symptoms are psychotic behaviors not generally seen in healthy people. People with positive symptoms may “lose touch” with some aspects of reality. Symptoms include:

 

Hallucinations

Delusions

Thought disorders (unusual or dysfunctional ways of thinking)

Movement disorders (agitated body movements)

Negative symptoms: “Negative” symptoms are associated with disruptions to normal emotions and behaviors. Symptoms include:

 

“Flat affect” (reduced expression of emotions via facial expression or voice tone)

Reduced feelings of pleasure in everyday life

Difficulty beginning and sustaining activities

Reduced speaking

Cognitive symptoms: For some patients, the cognitive symptoms of schizophrenia are subtle, but for others, they are more severe and patients may notice changes in their memory or other aspects of thinking. Symptoms include:

 

Poor “executive functioning” (the ability to understand information and use it to make decisions)

Trouble focusing or paying attention

Problems with “working memory” (the ability to use information immediately after learning it)

[xoMariah]

This is really unstable . You have dated a very short time, and there are some major issues. You should remove yourself from this. It is not a stable future, and he does not take his meds.

 

It is. His medicine is on his dresser waiting to be refilled. Most of the time he's stable, he can control it. I believe if he takes his medicine he would calm down a hell of a lot.. The one thing I hate is his constant anger issues towards me sometimes.

 

I don't know much about schizophrenia nor how his mind works.

[xoMariah]

You are a young girl and have no commitment to this guy. Why would you entertain a future with him?

 

Signs and Symptoms

 

Symptoms of schizophrenia usually start between ages 16 and 30. In rare cases, children have schizophrenia too.

 

The symptoms of schizophrenia fall into three categories: positive, negative, and cognitive.

 

Positive symptoms: “Positive” symptoms are psychotic behaviors not generally seen in healthy people. People with positive symptoms may “lose touch” with some aspects of reality. Symptoms include:

 

Hallucinations

Delusions

Thought disorders (unusual or dysfunctional ways of thinking)

Movement disorders (agitated body movements)

Negative symptoms: “Negative” symptoms are associated with disruptions to normal emotions and behaviors. Symptoms include:

 

“Flat affect” (reduced expression of emotions via facial expression or voice tone)

Reduced feelings of pleasure in everyday life

Difficulty beginning and sustaining activities

Reduced speaking

Cognitive symptoms: For some patients, the cognitive symptoms of schizophrenia are subtle, but for others, they are more severe and patients may notice changes in their memory or other aspects of thinking. Symptoms include:

 

Poor “executive functioning” (the ability to understand information and use it to make decisions)

Trouble focusing or paying attention

Problems with “working memory” (the ability to use information immediately after learning it)

 

At the moment, we are going to work on staying close friends.

[Hollyj]

It is. His medicine is on his dresser waiting to be refilled. Most of the time he's stable, he can control it. I believe if he takes his medicine he would calm down a hell of a lot.. The one thing I hate is his constant anger issues towards me sometimes.

 

I don't know much about schizophrenia nor how his mind works.

 

I suggest you research the disease. IT IS VERY SERIOUS !!!!! Does your family know about this part. And you deal with his anger issues. Get out of this.

[Hollyj]

At the moment, we are going to work on staying close friends.

 

No. You need to go NC. You CANNOT be friends when there are feelings.

[JaggerJim]

I suggest you research the disease. IT IS VERY SERIOUS AND DANGEROUS !!!!! Does your family know about this part. And you deal with his anger issues. Get out of this.

 

I agree. It is serious and dangerous. It's a sickness and a horrible one.

[Hollyj]

Does he ever hear voices or have hallucinations?

[xoMariah]

No. You need to go NC. You CANNOT be friends when there are feelings.

 

You're right.. we both grew attached to each other fairly quickly. Can I ask you something? If he didn't have this mental illness, do you think it's fair to tell someone that he threaten to break up with up with me if I didn't open up?

[xoMariah]

Does he ever hear voices or have hallucinations?

 

He has a bit of both not often. A few weeks ago it got bad, he started talking to his dead father. He told me he had a conversation with him, but I'm the only one who knows that.

[xoMariah]

I suggest you research the disease. IT IS VERY SERIOUS !!!!! Does your family know about this part. And you deal with his anger issues. Get out of this.

 

My family knows, but they see a different side of him majority of the time. They see his sweet side. I see the sweet side more than his others.. don't get me wrong, he's not always like this.

[Hollyj]

He has a bit of both not often. A few weeks ago it got bad, he started talking to his dead father. He told me he had a conversation with him, but I'm the only one who knows that.

 

 

Girl, you need to get out of this. The smaller percentage that hear the voices and hallucinate can be dangerous and violent. You need to remove yourself from this. Read about the disease. Now. I can't believe that your family advocated this. I suggest you tell them about the convo with his dad.

[Hollyj]

You're right.. we both grew attached to each other fairly quickly. Can I ask you something? If he didn't have this mental illness, do you think it's fair to tell someone that he threaten to break up with up with me if I didn't open up?

 

I don't give sh^t about the other stuff. You need to get out of this. There is no future and your safety is at risk.

[gebaird]

If he didn't have this mental illness, do you think it's fair to tell someone that he threaten to break up with up with me if I didn't open up?

 

Honestly, this type of behavior comes across as manipulative and toxic to me. Threatening breakups for any reason is a sign that someone doesn't have good communication or coping skills, or that there are fundamental incompatibilities. It feels like you might be making some allowances because of his mental illness. You sound like a good and caring person who could end up in a very bad situation, and very hurt, if you aren't careful. I think you've already seen enough to understand that his mental illness is causing some major issues, and he isn't addressing them. Don't wait around to see what else it will lead him to do. His mental illness doesn't give him a free pass. Bad behavior is bad behavior, and you deserve better.

 

I think it's great that you came here for some advice; many in your situation would try to handle this on their own. Since you took the trouble to come, think very carefully about everything that's been said before deciding on your next move. You're not a failure if you walk away from this relationship. It's not your job to help him or fix him or save him or respond to his manipulative threats to force you to open up to him. You're a free woman who can do what she wants. Use that freedom to move on from this situation. At 19, you're in way over your head here.

[Hollyj]

Auditory hallucinations

Auditory hallucinations usually involve voices talking to or about the person. Most of the time, the voices either provide a running commentary on whatever the schizophrenic individual is doing or they tell the person what he/she should do. They may also be carrying on conversations, or give warnings, alerting the schizophrenic about potential danger or harm.

 

The imaginary voices heard by schizophrenic individuals can be very disturbing. Voices which tell them what to do are referred to as “command hallucinations”. These can be especially problematic if they are telling them to harm themselves or someone else. This can potentially make schizophrenic individuals vulnerable to suicide or violence, as they feel compelled to obey the voices.

 

Voices can also be problematic if they are telling them to not take their medication or warning them that everyone is out to get them (for example, healthcare staff or family who are trying to help). As a result, voices can play a significant role in a schizophrenic person’s adherence to treatment. Auditory hallucinations also disrupt the person’s thinking, making it difficult to focus or concentrate.

 

Auditory hallucinations may involve other things besides voices, although it is much less common. The person may hear music playing. S/he may also hear other sounds, such as footsteps or sirens, for example.

 

Visual hallucinations

Schizophrenics can also have visual hallucinations, which are the second most common type with this disorder. Visual hallucinations involve seeing things which aren’t really there. They may involve images which are very clear, as well as vague or distorted. Visual hallucinations can be especially frightening, depending on the image.

[xoMariah]

Honestly, this type of behavior comes across as manipulative and toxic to me. Threatening breakups for any reason is a sign that someone doesn't have good communication or coping skills, or that there are fundamental incompatibilities. It feels like you might be making some allowances because of his mental illness. You sound like a good and caring person who could end up in a very bad situation, and very hurt, if you aren't careful. I think you've already seen enough to understand that his mental illness is causing some major issues, and he isn't addressing them. Don't wait around to see what else it will lead him to do. His mental illness doesn't give him a free pass. Bad behavior is bad behavior, and you deserve better.

 

I think it's great that you came here for some advice; many in your situation would try to handle this on their own. Since you took the trouble to come, think very carefully about everything that's been said before deciding on your next move. You're not a failure if you walk away from this relationship. It's not your job to help him or fix him or save him or respond to his manipulative threats to force you to open up to him. You're a free woman who can do what she wants. Use that freedom to move on from this situation. At 19, you're in way over your head here.

 

Him & I are complete opposites. Long story short, I'm a very affectionate person and he says I'm not but I am. I have so much love to give and sometimes he pushes me away... I just hate feeling like this.

[Hollyj]

Why are you avoiding the most serious part: his illness?

[Hollyj]

Are you going to tell your parents that he hears voices and has hallucinations?