Controlling boyfriend

[Princess88]

Don't get me wrong, I love my boyfriend and I have been with him for almost a year. However, he told me to stop talking to all of my male friends and delete them off of social media( he ended up deleting them behind my back) However I see my male friends at school and it's hard not to talk to them since I've known them for years. My boyfriend makes me feel sad and upset and he brings me down by saying that he quit smoking for me, he quit dipping, and that he quit talking to other girls for him and he's done being a second option. I won't do what he asks me to do and he won't take that sh*t anymore. I don't want to lose him because he has been the nicest guy I have ever met. But I don't want to stop taking to my guy friends so am I wrong here??? Or is he Being controlling and I'm not seeing it? I don't know what to do anymore because I don't feel free anymore! Or am I supposed to not talk to other guys since I am in a relationship??? I need advice because I just don't know what to do and I am lost

[reinventmyself]

Two words. He's controlling /and/ he's insecure.

You make him a priority yet he guilts you by suggesting he comes 2nd to your friendships.

 

Nothing less than you never speaking to them again isnt good enough, after all he made so many sacrifices for you ?

 

I call BS on this. You do too or you wouldn't be here asking.

 

Did you demand that he make these changes he takes credit for or are they conveniently brought up and held over your head?

 

And no, he's not 'the nicest guy you've ever met'

 

The nicest or best guy you will ever meet will embrace your friendships and trust you because you've never given him any reason not to.

[SJ337Y]

Personally I feel like social media and phones should be private. You should really explain to him that your male friends are just friends. He should trust you because relationships are based on trust. My boyfriend has friends that are girls and once in a while they text. He told me about their conversation and it wasn't really secretive but I definitely felt jealous. I was just honest with him and he hasn't talked to her since then. I've snooped a few times through his phone.. (unhealthy I know) but there wasn't anything to be concerned about. I guess what I'm saying is - honesty is the best policy but nobody is perfect. You shouldn't have to lose all your friends because he's making you feel guilty. Good Luck!!

[Snny]

The buck stops once your partner dictates who your friends are. This is a clear sign of an abusive man. He is way beyond controlling... He's imprisioning you in this relationship.

 

Get out of it now.

 

My boyfriend makes me feel sad and upset and he brings me down by saying that he quit smoking for me, he quit dipping, and that he quit talking to other girls for him and he's done being a second option.

Melodramatic much? He needs to quit smoking altogether and change for himself,because nobody - not even you- will do that for him. That decision has NOTHING to do with your friendships. Also, you cannot change your partner.

 

This is a classical abusive partner behavior- pinning blame and blackmail on you. "My insecurities are your fault. My lack of self-control over my anger is your fault." his behavior is entirely telling you this. It's an emotional lure to keep you in control. It's all hogwash and you need to stand up to it... By telling him to knock it off or its over.

 

And what the hell does he mean "second option?" You haven't cheated on him and you can talk to whoever you want. You haven't done anything wrong and he needs to get a grip. You are your own person and he needs to start respecting that or he's gone.

 

I don't want to lose him because he has been the nicest guy I have ever met.

[-(

You are... Absolutely delusional... to think this man is "the nicest guy [you] have ever met." And if he truly is, then you need professional counseling because you potentially hold a pattern of dating toxic, abusive men... And you need to break that cycle quick.

 

He has no business, whatsoever, telling you who you can or cannot befriend. Who the hell does he think he is? How is he going to behave when you start collaborating with your male coworkers? Other social outings with your group of friends? Where do you draw the line on his insecurities? Because really, you can't afford to lose respect for yourself by putting up with his nonsense and bullying.

 

And if you think I'm lying, I dated an abusive guy who was threatened that I was going to study groups with male classmates from college. He followed me to campus and punched me in the head when I decided to fight back. I had to be taken to the hospital for a concussion... All because he couldn't stand me interacting with other men.

 

 

You need to break up. You deserve better treatment than what this man is giving you. You also need self-respect by not sticking around with bozos like him.

[Snny]

Personally I feel like social media and phones should be private. You should really explain to him that your male friends are just friends. He should trust you because relationships are based on trust. My boyfriend has friends that are girls and once in a while they text. He told me about their conversation and it wasn't really secretive but I definitely felt jealous.

This advice sounds a bit contradicting. Keep your social media private, but tell your SO to trust you? If you can't show your friends or social media account/friendslist, then you got something to hide- and it raises suspicion.

 

The OP shouldn't have to hide anything, including her friends. More importantly, she should never be asked to give up her friends. He is being ludicrous with his request of asking her to remove contact from ALL male friends. They are a part of her support system. As long as they are respecting boundaries, they are not a threat.

 

This goes far beyond jealousy- he's intentionally picking her friendships by telling her not to hang out with them anymore and remove ALL contact. I hope you don't do that to your boyfriend. The OP's boyfriend has crossed the line. And a person like him is very difficult to reason with because it is their way or the highway. Hell, his behavior is already irrational. I've been there and done that before.

[Cleardecisions]

He is obviously going to an extreme and that's what takes precedent for me to say end this now. It will only get worse and spiral towards more controlling behavior. Like some have said here already, he isn't the nicest guy you have met. Unless this is your first relationship or the guys you dated before were somehow even worse. There are countless guys out there better. Don't doubt that for a second. Especially if you have never given him a reason to doubt you.

[Hollyj]

I think that it is sad that this is the "nicest guy" you have ever met. This guy is a manipulative, control freak, and you should get away from him. He is abusive!!!!

 

You know there is something wrong with him, but you make excuses . It will only get worse!!!!

 

You need to share this with your family, this guy is not safe.

[boltnrun]

He will completely isolate you, then he'll start "punishing" you for daring to break one of his ridiculous "rules".

 

If he hasn't started "punishing" you already.

[Princess88]

Well I have to admit that I am very good looking and a lot of guys compliment me whereas he isn't that great looking and he feels like he is in competition with other guys. He deleted them because he doesn't want to lose me. However, I did have this problem where he had female friends who called him "bear" and flirted with him and it was 2 so I made him delete them. But now he wants the same with me and it means that all of my guy friends have to go. I told him it would be fair if he had girl friends but did not call him pet names but he says he doesn't want any girl friends but me. He says he wants both of us to not have any friends of the opposite sex.

[jujusamples]

If someone shows you whom they are, believe them! That saying goes a long way. He's not just telling you he's controlling and manipulative, he's showing it to you.

 

Invading someone's privacy is a deal breaker, it is a total red flag! He has no right to not only go through your phone and social media, but deleting your friends behind your back? That's not enough for you to leave him? Doing everything he says? Why? I wouldn't just walk away from that relationship, I would run. Actually no, sprint!

 

I'm going to be upfront with you. NO ONE could make you feel a certain way. ONLY YOU have the power to do that. He's treating you this way because you let him. Don't give him that control, get your control back. You deserve better. This relationship isn't going to end well in the long term. You are either going to loose all of your sanity or he's going to do some serious damage to you. I hope you take this into consideration and RUN away from this.

[jujusamples]

Well I have to admit that I am very good looking and a lot of guys compliment me whereas he isn't that great looking and he feels like he is in competition with other guys. He deleted them because he doesn't want to lose me. However, I did have this problem where he had female friends who called him "bear" and flirted with him and it was 2 so I made him delete them. But now he wants the same with me and it means that all of my guy friends have to go. I told him it would be fair if he had girl friends but did not call him pet names but he says he doesn't want any girl friends but me. He says he wants both of us to not have any friends of the opposite sex.

 

No excuses for invading your privacy! It's wrong. No friends from the opposite sex? You two are just not good together. A healthy relationship, you are suppose to help and support each other to be better people. This is not the case here.

[Princess88]

So what if all the. guys he deleted had a crush on me and they are just my friends because they like me. Is he still wrong for invading my privacy and deleting him ?

[boltnrun]

If you think what he did was right...why complain and call him "controlling"?

[Princess88]

Because he is forcing me to chose between my friends or him

[Krankor]

Today it's your male friends on Facebook. Tomorrow it's your female friends. The next day it will be your family and the day after that your hobbies, your interests, and any attempts to better yourself on your terms.

 

Is that how you want to live? I've been there, and it's no life...

[Snny]

Well I have to admit that I am very good looking and a lot of guys compliment me whereas he isn't that great looking and he feels like he is in competition with other guys. He deleted them because he doesn't want to lose me. However, I did have this problem where he had female friends who called him "bear" and flirted with him and it was 2 so I made him delete them. But now he wants the same with me and it means that all of my guy friends have to go. I told him it would be fair if he had girl friends but did not call him pet names but he says he doesn't want any girl friends but me. He says he wants both of us to not have any friends of the opposite sex.

 

There is no justification for his actions. It doesn't matter who's the prettiest one here. He does not offer solutions other than isolation- and it screams a very serious mental problem on his behalf.

 

An abuser will purposely isolate you from other people, and it starting with friends. This is how they maintain control. And when you aren't following, they resort to emotional attacks like "I've done [this] for you!!!" or blackmail. And if you don't walk away now and start to fight back, it can get violent... just as it had happened to me. And no one is going to come to your aid because you've abandoned them upon HIS request.

 

This is very serious.

 

Like the above posters said, his behavior is unacceptable. You need to grow tougher skin and start standing up for yourself, or he will take away your freedom. You are as much fault here for enabling him to control you. You need to draw the line with a person on things like going through your privacy or telling you to get rid of friends.

[jujusamples]

So what if all the. guys he deleted had a crush on me and they are just my friends because they like me. Is he still wrong for invading my privacy and deleting him ?

 

Yes! It is never right. It's called respect and trust.

[boltnrun]

So he doesn't trust that you would say "no" if any of those guy friends of yours try to kiss you or something?

 

Why doesn't he trust you?

 

Please don't tell us he trotted out that old, tired line "I trust YOU but I don't trust THEM".

 

And if you're insisting he also stop talking to female friends you're insecure about, then it's the BOTH of you being "controlling". It's the BOTH of you being jealous and insecure. Not just him.

[reinventmyself]

Look. . .If you two are ok with not having any friends of the opposite sex, who am I to have an opinion on it.

But you are here asking if it's controlling.

 

You both seem controlling, immature and insecure.

 

People are going to do what they want to do. Period.

If you want to cheat, you will. If he does, he will.

 

You can't go around trying to change the world to make it a not so scary place.

You need to tools to go out in the world and trust that you'll be safe or handle whatever comes your way.

 

If your guy is so afraid you'll cheat, then he shouldn't be with you. And vice versa.

I am personally offended with guys like him because I feel insulted when they challenge my integrity.

I won't have it.

 

He can make you delete anything with testicles all he wants, but you'll step out on him if you choose to.

 

The best thing you can do to see that you partner doesn't cheat is, first off: Choose your partner well.

Secondly: Be the best person and the best partner you can be.

That's about all you can do.

 

All the other nonsense is pointless and wasted energy over something you have absolutely no control over.

[Rezie]

run! run as fast as you can. He is controlling you. You don't owe him anything. Your partner can't tell you who you can be friends with. And if a person who does this is the nicest guy you have met then you know really crappy people or he is a master manipulator. You can be friends with whover you want. Just run. It will get worse.

[boltnrun]

run! run as fast as you can. He is controlling you. You don't owe him anything. Your partner can't tell you who you can be friends with. And if a person who does this is the nicest guy you have met then you know really crappy people or he is a master manipulator. You can be friends with whover you want. Just run. It will get worse.

 

Normally I would agree, but she admitted she told him to stop talking to his female friends.

 

So they're both acting insecure and jealous.

 

It can't be wrong for him to do it but OK for her.

 

They're both acting like immature teenagers who think they have the right to dictate who the person they're dating can and cannot speak to.

[Wiseman2]

Tell your parents about this. Huge red flag that he takes your devices and deletes your friends. Also go talk to a school counselor.

 

Read up on and research red flags for abusive relationships. Shut this is jerk down asap.

he told me to stop talking to all of my male friends and delete them off of social media he ended up deleting them behind my back. My boyfriend makes me feel sad and upset and he brings me down by saying that he quit smoking for me, he quit dipping, and that he quit talking to other girls for him and he's done being a second option.