Still wearing jewelry from an ex?

[Michael25302]

I really need some advice and this is simply for my own piece of mind to know if I'm being ridiculously jealous or not. I love my girlfriend very much, we live together and are talking about getting married. When we first started dating she told me about her "best friend" she's had since they were 10-years old and later in life were romantically involved.. pretty serious I assume.. Anyway, he lives several states anyway. On Valentines Day I was going to get her a nice necklace but noticed that she always had this silver key necklace on so thinking it might be something significant one of her kids got her so I asked what was the story behind the necklace.. she said her lifelong friend and ex-boyfriend got it for her and that he had a lock that went with it. I don't know if he wears it or not, but the significance was there.. I don't know if I'm being overly jealous or ridiculous but every time I see it around her neck or if she is playing with it, my heart just breaks and it really hurts. She knows exactly how I feel about it and I asked her if she was going to wear it forever.. like when I put an engagement ring on her finger and she said that "the necklace was never going anywhere" it and this "person" have been the subject of many fights and arguments. They talk and text I know probably EVERYDAY. Knowing this upsets me, I will give her credit hat she doesn't answer if he calls WHEN I AM THERE, and rarely texts back WHEN I AM THERE. I do NOT go through her phone but one night it went off, I looked down and I couldn't help but see his text said "Goodnight sweet nurse" All I know it is hurting our relationship and I KNOW, without any shadow of a doubt that now that I am with HER I would NEVER talk to my exes let alone wear something I was given by them. Especially if I knew it bothered her. Maybe I am projecting how I am on to how I "think" she should be to me? Please help!! Talking to her about this does no good. I just do not feel this is appropriate and they both need to move on. I'm not saying NEVER talk or text but everyday is excessive.

[reinventmyself]

If she is in a committed relationship with you then her actions are inappropriate. Period.

 

Maybe I am projecting how I am on to how I "think" she should be to me? Please help

You are making excuses for how you feel. No, you are not projecting. You have different values that don't match hers.

 

Of course you wouldn't be carrying on with an ex because it's not what someone does while in a relationship with someone else.

And yes, it is hurtful and she doesn't respect your feelings regarding this.

 

Bigger question is. . .why are you permitting it?

She does it, because she can and while you tolerate it and make excuses for her, you try to absorb the blame because maybe there is something fundamentally wrong with you? No. Nothing is wrong with you for feeling the way you do.

 

She not done with this ex and it's awfully crowded.

Personally. . .I would have left a long time ago.

[Wiseman2]

Get her a new necklace that's about you, not him. Who knows maybe she just likes that style of jewelry. Try not to make mountains out of molehills.

[reinventmyself]

Get her a new necklace that's about you, not him. Who knows maybe she just likes that style of jewelry. Try not to make mountains out of molehills.

 

she said that "the necklace was never going anywhere"

It's clearly not that she likes the 'style'

I wouldn't suggest he compete with the sentiment of a boyfriend that she's clearly not ready to let go of.

[Michael25302]

Thank you so very very much.

[Michael25302]

What is your opinion on the constant communication?

[reinventmyself]

What is your opinion on the constant communication?

 

If he is indeed saying goodnight to her in a personal manner, then it's too intimate for a friendship.

The fact that they communicate everyday is also not OK.

If she insists he's just a friend, then invite him to go out with you both. After all he is a friend, correct?

 

You can't choose her friends for her, but you can decide whether or not you can tolerate sharing her with her ex bf.

 

Based solely on what you've shared and unless you left something out, they are not done with each other.

[DancingFool]

It's not about the jewelry, it's about the fact that your gf is continuing to maintain an inappropriate attachment to her ex and deep down you are feeling like a third wheel in your own relationship. You are just projecting all that by fixating on the necklace.

 

Forget the necklace, examine what is really happening in your relationship and what is or isn't lacking in connection between you and her. I get the impression that you simply don't want to face the fact that she is not really all in and it hurts, but you are not quite ready to walk away either. Personally, until the bigger and more serious issues are resolved, I'd drop the whole idea of engagement and quit arguing about jewelry. The real elephant in the room is her ex and the level of attachment and emotional involvement going on with him. So what that she doesn't answer his calls when you are there? I am a female, have close friends and no, we aren't talking and texting with each other all day long. Who has time like that anyway? The text that you saw was blatant flirting on his part.

 

I don't know know what to tell you other than she needs to decide who she wants to be with for real and then act accordingly. Or she needs to find a guy who would be cool as a third wheel emotionally, so long as she goes home with him at night.

[Michael25302]

Every single thing you said was absolutely true. I think me maybe feeling deep down that she is maybe not "in" really hit home too. I completely understood the concept of that from when this started, it's just that I never really spelled it out until now. She has mentioned once that she was talking to him about a disagreement we had awhile back and it hurt me that she would be confiding in an ex about our personal problems. I do realize I need to reavaluate a lot of things. I really do love her with all of my heart and I am so loyal to her IN EVERY SENSE of the word that I just can't conceive of doing ANYTHING like this to her. All I would need to know is that something HURT her and I would stop. My point of her not answering or texting when I am around was simply that she never did this before and I saw it as maybe she was beginning to respect how I felt about it and not rub it in my face. I also think that if he was any friend and he cared about her and knows this causes us personal problems he would stop. As far as he is concerned I feel it is very disrespectful to me to continue the constant communication especially when he knows I'm around.

[Wiseman2]

Why? Because she doesn't want you telling her who her friends should be or what to wear. She's asserting herself.

 

Have you ever bought her senitmental jewelry or just teased and dangled with 'engagement ring' carrot and stick talk?

 

Act like it doesn't bother you and when you bow out of this tug-of-war she'll stop rebelling against your control and insecurity. Then the arguments will stop.

Talking to her about this does no good.

[DancingFool]

It's not his behavior that's the problem. It's your gf's. It's on her to assert appropriate boundaries and to enforce them. She can't control a guy trying to flirt with her or hit on her or whatever, what she does control 100% what she does with it.

 

As for her not taking his calls when you are around.....honestly....that itself to me is weird and indicative of problems. If they are truly just friends, then you all should be easily able to hang out together, talk, etc without all this tension and hiding the extent of contact and connection going on. The friendship should be out in the open with all parties comfortable so to speak. However, you are not comfortable with the level of contact and connection and you are not wrong with it, however the solution to just hide it from you isn't exactly right now is it?

 

Anyway, the emotional attachment she has to him is the emotional attachment she should have with you. However, when that is being directed to another person outside of the relationship, it does create an uncomfortable threesome situation. It's also known as emotional cheating. So sadly while you are willing to give her your all, you are not receiving the same in return, thus the fighting and the tension. You know what's going on is wrong as hard as it is to face it.

[abitbroken]

Constant communication is a no go.

 

As far as jewelry, as long as its not an engagement or promise ring, once someone gives you jewelry - it becomes yours. One of my favorite sweaters was given to me by an ex. Even though we had a messy breakup - its MY sweater. I like it and am not reminded of him by wearing it. I also have a bracelet he bought for me on a trip because i wear this certain kind of mineral a lot and it goes with other stuff i bought myself. It did not mean anything significant other than it was a christmas gift. I still have it. It means nothing connected to him.

 

I would not be happy if it was a ring.

 

Stop fighting and set some boundaries. Was this person a romantic adult ex or was it someone who was a childhood friend and a high school crush and it was sort of a friendship thing more or less? At any rate, instead of arguing, why not just tell her how you feel. The real problem is her communication, not the necklace.

[abitbroken]

I want to ask - how long has this been going on?

If she has been doing this since day one of the relationship and you are just now having a problem with it - what made you not talk about it up front. its not controling to talk about what you expect in a relationship because if she didn't like it, you could have both decided you weren't a match. If something is not excusable, its not excusable. its not just something that becomes unexcusable because you are contemplating marriage.

 

She might be reacting negatively if you were cool about it the entire relationship up until now when you are getting more serious. I am not saying that you do NOt have a right to be concerned, its just that - this was the situation from the get go - and why didn't you have a problem with it earlier - how on earth did it not come up when the situation was a little smaller so to speak?

[Pretzel]

The constant communication in my opinion isn't the issue in that if they are genuinely best friends. I have constant communication with my best friends. Calling, texting, sharing in my day to day. I do probably more than most people. I try to be respectful to my boyfriend and wouldn't do this if we are doing something significant together, but if we are just simply hanging for hours then I would happily take and make calls while he does his thing too and i don't particularly mind him over-hearing. The content of the calls may be slightly different when he is not around (women problems, etc. or maybe i'll discuss him) but there's plenty to talk about with ease without me minding him hearing.

 

Having said all of that..... 'Goodnight sweet nurse'?

 

No. Just no.

 

They can talk without you needing to feel insecure, but that is a weird way to say goodnight to a friend.

 

I know the necklace itself here is not the central concern, but I can't help but wonder though, what if you got her a necklace? Would she then ditch his and start wearing yours?

 

You're not being unreasonable and it sounds as if she's being a little unfair to you and inconsiderate of your feelings.

[Rezie]

To answer the question. Yes it is Ok to wear jewelry given by an ex. I think it is a waste to bin beautiful expensive jewelry just because you are not with the giver anymore.

 

But your problem is not that she wears jewelry given by him. It's that she is still emotionally invested in him. You need to have a good talk that it bothers you. You can't tell her not to contact him but if you are still uncomfortable then you have to remove yourself from the situation.

[Michael25302]

Fortunately he lives in another state but to be absolutely honest, I totally would NOT trust myself being in the same city where he was at. I know that is wrong but I have so much anger towards this person and what makes me so angry is that I know he knows how I feel and yet he continues to totally disrespect me by his unacceptable Goodnight and constant communication. I think if he truly cared about her and if he even knew 1/10 of the grief he has caused me and our relationship he would respect US and either get a gf or a hobby. I'm not sure if he has a gf but it is something that needs to be looked into. She may feel that it s also inappropriate as I do.

[Michael25302]

I honestly wouldn't mind IN THE LEAST if it was a sweater or maybe some other neutral piece of jewelry.. I honest honestly wouldn't mind but it is a KEY and HE has the LOCK.. that to me suggests something way more significant and intimate than say a bracelet, etc.. do you feel im at the right way?

[Michael25302]

That is a very good question. She told me about him the first date or two actually. I do not know what brought it up but basically she said something like, "I have got this best friend I have had since we were 10-years old and I will always taltk to him.." she mentioned he lived out of state and that they used to date.. etc.. Well, to be honest, I really didnt bother me that much.. I mean in my mind I was thinking, oh, they probably talk once a or whatever.. and I wasnt concerned at all. I particularly would not disrespect her by talking to someone I had been intimate and had a relationship with, and I am not saying she is wrong for talking to him, I just know that TO ME it would be disrespectful to her if I continued to talk to them ONCE I committed to her.. MOST ESPECIALLY if she told me it bothered her.. anyway, to answer your other question, it did not start to bother me until I realized they were communicating probably EVERY DAY. It hurts me so very badly and I do not think she cares, which is to me saying, I am putting him above your feelings by allowing him and keeping the communication so frequent. Then the issue with the text I accidentally saw that he sent her (and I swear I do not go through her phone.. to be honest I would be scared as to what I would find regarding their conversations) but he said "goodnight sweet nurse" then the issue with the necklace.. it has all just built up.

[Michael25302]

It would ABSOLUTELY NOT bother me in the least if it was.. say some kind of non romantic jewelry, or bracelet or necklace or any clothing. To be honest, if it was even a ring and it wasnt on her left ring finger and had no obvious signifigance, it would not bother me.. she wears a ring on her right ring finger.. just a typical girls ring with a stone.. I am sure that it was a gift from a former bf, etc. but I dont think a thing about it..It is the fact that this particular piece of jewelry is a KEY and he has the LOCK.. in my mind, kind of a mizpah (sp?) type necklace and it also hurts me that this necklace has some very significant meaning to their "former" relationship. Does that make more sense, or am I wrong for thinking this way? I just want to do right by her and I dont want to be seemingly ridiculous about it.

[catfeeder]

The jewelry wouldn't bother me, it's jewelry. The contact? That's a no brainer for me. I'd tell her, "I adore you and can see us together in the future. That's why I need to walk away and let you settle old business. If you're ever free and clear of all contact with ex and you're completely over him, you can let me know, and we can meet to catch up if I'm still available. Otherwise, I wish you the best, but I won't involve myself with anyone who is still in contact with an ex in any way, shape or form beyond shared children. Period."

 

You're learning WHY.

[DancingFool]

You seem like a basically decent rational guy. Initially it didn't bother you because you assumed correctly that it's an old friendship and there would be normal friendship level interactions and boundaries and so shouldn't be a problem. However, you have since realized that's not the case and the emotional bond and whatever else they are up to runs much deeper and is actually not acceptable, not to mention detrimental to your relationship. So maybe it's time for you to respect yourself and walk away. She needs to resolve her unfinished business with her ex or find a guy, aka doormat, who will be fine with being second best and emotional cheating and turn a blind eye to it.

 

Is all this fighting and mental and emotional anguish really worth it? You can't make her do anything she doesn't want to do. Even if you do succeed in forcing her to cut ties, she will just resent you over it because she didn't do it by her own choice. The real problem is that does not want to do it on her own free will. That actually tells you everything you need to know and you know it even though you are still fighting against that knowledge. It is what it is. I'd be looking for someone else if I were you. Someone who is actually all there for you and fully dedicated to your relationship, instead of half way and still completely attached to and hung up on their ex and bff and whatever he is to her. She has made it clear to you from the get go that he will stay and you will go and she is certainly sticking to it. Like I said, respect yourself and walk away from this threesome.

[Salty]

I'm pretty open minded when it comes to exes but this is a little much. The nice thing for her to do is give it back to him so he could give it to another partner of his, or pawn it and spend it onsomething for the 2 of u.

[JaggerJim]

He shouldn't be texting her, she's the one who's being inappropriate. The whole things sounds dodgy. Is she in two relationships? Sure sounds like it.

[Rezie]

I don't see how he is being disrespectful or should be blamed for anything. Your girlfriend is the one who is commited to you. It is her job to set appropriate

boundaries.

[ShatteredMan]

The jewelry wouldn't bother me, it's jewelry. The contact? That's a no brainer for me. I'd tell her, "I adore you and can see us together in the future. That's why I need to walk away and let you settle old business. If you're ever free and clear of all contact with ex and you're completely over him, you can let me know, and we can meet to catch up if I'm still available. Otherwise, I wish you the best, but I won't involve myself with anyone who is still in contact with an ex in any way, shape or form beyond shared children. Period."

 

You're learning WHY.

 

I'm in the same boat as catfeeder. Jewelry doesn't bother me and that's not the issue here. Communication with an ex on a regular basis while trying to portray the image to someone else that they are committed to them is a sure sign of some degree of emotional cheating.

 

As someone who's been through this, please think about what she's doing and how this makes YOU feel. Catfeeder's statement above is a perfect approach to what to communicate to her if you decide that you're not willing to accept this behavior.

 

Conversely to those who are out here who might be still trying "stay in the lives your ex" through tactics along what this other guy is doing: Stay out of your ex's life. One or both of you chose end that relationship and you should continue to honor that decision.