Email from ex, no contact for 10 years.

[aroud]

So I'm in a bit of a dilemma and there is a lot of history to this so bear with me.

 

About 12 years ago I had a gf for about 2 years. We were poles apart emotionally and recognised our incompatibility on that front, so ended it. However our friendship naturally survived - totally non awkward and non sexual / flirtatious, and we kept in touch meeting up for a meal every month or so for about 2 years. We'd talk about our new relationships, life, everything, offering advice and support, and to this day she is one of the best friends I've ever had.

 

My next relationship was about 8 months and didn't work out, and she was quite accepting of my friendship with my ex and trusted me that there was nothing else to it. The reason that one didn't work out is because she was from overseas and essentially I had to choose to go with her or not. Nothing to do with my friendship with my ex.

 

I then met my wife, and that's about 7 years ago now. When I initially told her about my friendship with my ex - who was from my point of view someone very important to my social support network - she was very uneasy about it. She did not trust that it was nothing to worry about no matter how reassuring I was. I told my friend that I would not be in touch for a while as I was seeing someone who was really special to me and at that time I thought once the trust grew I could resume the friendship.

 

I never resumed the friendship due to my now-wife having jealousy issues with women I worked with. I felt bad that I'd told my ex that I'd be in touch, but I never was. That was 7 years ago, and I'd suggested a couple of months thinking that I could negotiate somehow.

 

Intermittently my wife would say that she was actually okay with me being friends and she recognised this person was an important friend and part of my history, but with the jealousy issue still there I figured there was no way this friendship with my ex could bring anything positive to my relationship with the woman I loved dearly and more than anything. It would just create more of a problem than it solved. I would say to my wife that out of respect I felt the friendship could not continue.

 

Then a month ago I get an email from my ex. It is quite strange in a way, asking me about someone who once did a gardening job for her, and if I knew who it was. She also asked me how I was doing generally. When I read that I thought that after all this time and considering I'd cut her out of my life so strangely, that I would reply. After doing so I knew that I could never tell my wife. I got a reply from my ex and reading it I'm sure its just friendly and she misses the friendship as I do sometimes. But having a secret email conversation that I can't tell my wife about is completely rediculous. And so I've not replied, and until I'm sure what the right thing to do it, I'm not going to.

 

Maybe I've answered my own question here, but I'm thinking I just need to let this one go and never reply. There is no way my wife would be okay with this no matter how fascinating it would be to learn how my ex has got on in life and what she's up to etc. I do miss that friendship still, even though it's been a long time.

 

Also I'm thinking that once I got that email from my ex I should have just ignored it.

 

This isn't stressing me out massively or anything. I would just like to do the right thing.

[Wiseman2]

Why sabotage your marriage for this "friend"? If she were a real friend, she would respect your marriage, no? Doesn't she have her own life?

 

Why does she cling like this? Is she chronically unhappy in her own relationships? If so, why let that contaminate your marriage?

I then met my wife, and that's about 7 years ago now. I figured there was no way this friendship with my ex could bring anything positive to my relationship with the woman I loved dearly and more than anything.

There is no way my wife would be okay with this no matter how fascinating it would be to learn how my ex has got on in life and what she's up to etc.

[shessofly]

You accepted the arrangement years ago so I would suggest revisiting the issue with your wife or ignoring this and all future attempts at contact.

[ParisPaulette]

The problem isn't contact with a former ex. The problem here is you're with a woman who is jealous and has made her views on the issue of you having contact with other women, be it an ex, a friend, or someone you work with, very clearly known. And you accepted that and decided you could change her mind. However you haven't and you can't, not if seven years have gone by and this is still an issue with your wife.

 

Either you stay out of touch with all women, accept the controls your wife has placed on you, don't have female friendships or you leave your wife and stop the cycle. You haven't changed your wife's mind in all this time, unless maybe you tell her it's therapy or bust and she goes and deals with her insecurities. And you do change her in the only way it's really going to happen - with therapy and her agreement.

 

But now staying in secret touch, yeah what part of now you're going to prove to your wife in her own head that you can't "be trusted" do you not get. Also not okay to put a friend in your wife's crosshairs by the way, just because you can't stand up to her.

 

You agreed to the limitations your wife placed on, told your friend the friendship was over, weren't honest with either them that this was just supposed to be temporary thing in your universe, and did not handle the situation that you knew was there from the beginning. Don't now make things worse by thinking or justifying you have to sneak around. All that does is put your former friend at risk of being hurt by you and your wife. Not fair.

 

Deal with the wife, deal with your own issues, don't drag other people into the middle of it.

[vesper]

You have to question why your ex is contacting you when they know you have a girlfriend.

[johnnydanger]

Your ex didn't do anything wrong by contacting you. She didn't even know you were married, and you never told her not to contact you. So ignoring her email wouldn't have been very kind. It's nice you responded, especially since as you claim, she was an important part of your past history.

 

Look, just because you sent an email to her doesn't mean you did anything wrong nor do you need to tell your mommy, er, wife about it. You're not leaving your wife for her, and there are no inappropriate thoughts in your head. I can understand if you aren't fond of keeping in regular contact with this ex out of respect for your wife. If that's the case just tell the ex not to contact you again, IF she keeps contacting you. There's no need to throw this out there too quickly, maybe she just reached out to you to say hello and see if you are still alive.

[aroud]

The problem isn't contact with a former ex. The problem here is you're with a woman who is jealous and has made her views on the issue of you having contact with other women, be it an ex, a friend, or someone you work with, very clearly known. And you accepted that and decided you could change her mind. However you haven't and you can't, not if seven years have gone by and this is still an issue with your wife.

 

Either you stay out of touch with all women, accept the controls your wife has placed on you, don't have female friendships or you leave your wife and stop the cycle. You haven't changed your wife's mind in all this time, unless maybe you tell her it's therapy or bust and she goes and deals with her insecurities. And you do change her in the only way it's really going to happen - with therapy and her agreement.

 

But now staying in secret touch, yeah what part of now you're going to prove to your wife in her own head that you can't "be trusted" do you not get. Also not okay to put a friend in your wife's crosshairs by the way, just because you can't stand up to her.

 

You agreed to the limitations your wife placed on, told your friend the friendship was over, weren't honest with either them that this was just supposed to be temporary thing in your universe, and did not handle the situation that you knew was there from the beginning. Don't now make things worse by thinking or justifying you have to sneak around. All that does is put your former friend at risk of being hurt by you and your wife. Not fair.

 

Deal with the wife, deal with your own issues, don't drag other people into the middle of it.

 

Yes jealousy is a bit of an issue still, and anyone I work with (several jobs on) who is a woman and who I mention I'm anything approaching friends with results in comments from my wife - about her not trusting them, or there being something they have to hide. If the woman is significantly older than me she tends not to be bothered.

 

But my wife doesn't stop me having female friends or quiz me about every time I've been out and if I met any women. But if I start to form a friendship with a woman and happen to mention this to my wife, she will not trust the situation. Historically I've looked at this as a barrier to us being closer but figured nothing is ever perfect and my wife is not a bad person, and does love me.

 

However the jealousy issue itself is far more improved, and without me pressing her to do something about it she's told me how she doesn't get strong feelings of jealousy anymore. For all I know I could mention this email from my ex and she might be okay with it, but I guess once you've been through a jealousy problem with your gf or spouse you tend to avoid forming proper friendships with anyone of the opposite sex. They just become peripheral throw-away friendships and that's your limit. That's basically what I've done because it's hurtful to think that your gf / wife doesn't trust you. So in this case, I'm afraid I'd be asked if there was anybthing else to it - and as someone has already commented on this thread, it could be perfectly innocent and my ex might have had a nostalgic moment and thought genuinely it would be nice to hear he's okay and is getting on in life, and hopefully he's not dead.

 

So whilst I don't regret responding to my ex because now she knows I'm alive and well, I don't intend to have a secret email friendship - not a viable option. I've posted on here to explore the morality of the issue because it's genuiniely confusing and I don't have any sinister or bad intentions for anyone, or ever have. Rather I have found myself muddle through this whilst trying to limit damage to anyone.

 

But an interesting point about standing up to my wife. Yes, maybe this would have been the right thing to do - or maybe as a policy being friends with exes is not something everyone should be automatically entitled to. I don't have an answer on this. If I did I wouldn't have posted in the first place.

 

And maybe I didn't handle this properly from the first place. That's a fair point. Truth is I tried and failed, and yes I do regret pulling my friend into this, absolutely. Obviously I was not willing to give my wife an ultimatum during our seminal months at the beginning.

 

So maybe it's like this: I have given up the right to have friendships with women because I prioritise my relationship with my wife higher despite it's imperfections.

 

My inclination now is to look at the positives. I've got a wife who loves me, and whilst I can form close friendships with guys that's not going to happen with a woman - but is that such a bad situation?

 

It doesn't seem worth potentially harming my relationship with my wife by attempting to rekindle a friendship like this.

[aroud]

Your ex didn't do anything wrong by contacting you. She didn't even know you were married, and you never told her not to contact you. So ignoring her email wouldn't have been very kind. It's nice you responded, especially since as you claim, she was an important part of your past history.

 

Look, just because you sent an email to her doesn't mean you did anything wrong nor do you need to tell your mommy, er, wife about it. You're not leaving your wife for her, and there are no inappropriate thoughts in your head. I can understand if you aren't fond of keeping in regular contact with this ex out of respect for your wife. If that's the case just tell the ex not to contact you again, IF she keeps contacting you. There's no need to throw this out there too quickly, maybe she just reached out to you to say hello and see if you are still alive.

 

Yes, that's how I felt when I got the email. It felt wrong to ignore it. And no, she's got no idea I'm married either or that I'm still with my wife. I felt morally obliged to ping her an email to let her know I was okay.

 

I don't think my ex will keep emailing me if I don't reply. And I don't assume she's going to be super bothered if I don't reply either. It's been so long after all, and my ex was always a fiercely independent woman who was very much a realist. Not hugely emotional or sentimental.

 

A brief email exchange is enough for me. On my side at least I know she's okay too. It doesn't have to turn into email-gate, as you say.