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New relationship jitters...or something more?


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So I've been dating this guy 4 months. Things started pretty quickly because we had been on a few dates a few years ago. I think he may have a porn addiction because his house is messy when I am there. He has many toys and goes to sex conventions ect. He takes pictures with many of the porn stars. This doesn't bother me. He is caring, grounded, and family oriented.

I feel confused and more anxious then I have with other guys. We live an hour apart and I do not drive so he does do a good amount of travel.

I have met him in the city here and there to make relationship easier because of the distance. I am stressing because on one of our second dates one of his best friends needed a place for her friend to stay. My boyfriend was on a date with me and was on the phone with her for 40 minutes while I was shopping. I have met some of his friends but not her. So I was not happy because I had not seen my boyfriend in a week and thought it was disrespectful to be on the phone so long while I was there. Then another incident I was going to have a date with him but he ended up hanging out with his cousin whom I've met. But she didn't have a ride so he canceled his date with me to drive her home. I know he does a lot in terms of travel and works long hours. But I have been starting fights with him saying nasty things and I know I have hurt him. I think he is on the fence on whether to move on or not. (though he claims he wants to marry me ect.) I don't know how to repair what has been done.I feel more emotionally attached then I have. But I also feel a distance and I am not sure if it can be repaired. I have tried talking to him about not understanding his friends because I have not met all of them. Also, being insecure because this is a long distance relationship I don't think he understands.

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Well, long distance relationships are usually harder. To sustain one you have to really trust the person and there needs to be a plan. I don't think it was cool that he cancelled your dates. But if for the most part he makes effort into the relationship (he seems like he does, doing so much travelling to be with you and etc), if he treats you kindly and with respect I wouldn't look too much into it.


I think you have lots of insecurities and yes, maybe you're too attached at this initial stage of the relationship. You should think a little if you feel so insecure because of your own insecurities or because you feel something in your gut isn't right or you feel that he might be up to something, or a combination of both.


Also saying hurtful things to your boyfriend or having passive aggressive attitudes doesn't solve anything. I think it's better that you sit and talk to him honestly and calmly about what is bothering you in the relationship and improve your communication skills as a couple. Also listen to what he has to say. Then it's necessary to make some compromises and plans to tackle these issues and the whole logistics of the LDR in a way that feels fair and balanced to both of you. But please, don't fall into the aggressive pathway with him or emotional rants.


Good luck.

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I'd ditch him. Having sex toys strewn around the house and going to porn conventions is just plain tacky. And who has a 45 minute conversation with someone else while on a date? Also, no one should plan to marry someone after 4 months of long distance - he is just saying that to keep you around. I think you are opening a can of worms here by continuing to date this dude. Sorry. I'd leave

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You're at a disadvantage being dependent on him as the only driver in a long distance thing. Can you get your license?


Independent mobility means you're never trapped in situations that would otherwise cause a fight. You can drive away instead of sticking around to fight. It takes the pressure out of your cooker. Not only does this make everything more tolerable because you have an 'out' if you want it, it also disables anyone from treating you badly because you aren't stuck there to put up with it.


Learning to drive may or may not help with this relationship, but it will help you avoid the position of an insecure dependent going forward.


Head high.

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I agree with catfeeder. If you are limited to only guys who are willing to do 100% of the travel, you limit your choices. Also, it is safer to at first insist that you meet a guy somewhere or sometimes drive yourself just so you are not trapped if things go south at the beginning of things. Unless you live in a city where it truly is a biking/subway/train kind of area and many people don't have a car, its really important to do - even taking the wheel in an emergency if you have to. A license is freedom.

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