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BF needs some time, his mom is dying from terminal illness.. Help!


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So here is my story.. We have been only dating for a few months (2 months just talking, and 2 months dating). I'm 24 and he is 29. When I first met him in November, I didn't take him seriously at all, I was seeing a few other guys, but he was really chasing me down (at first I thought he was creepy and desperate), so I gave him a chance. While he was really trying hard to have my attention, I finally started taking him serious about 2 months later.


He is currently doing his medical residency, and it's his only first year so he is extremely busy with his schedule, but he always texted me during the days and nights, and tried to talk to me. And in January we met every 2-3 days and often talked about our future together (I know this is very early for dating only a month and I do admit I rushed him, he used to tell me to take it easy.) From the first day I met him, I have always mentioned him that I wanted something very serious (like marriage). He also later said he was taking this relationship very serious, and was thinking about marriage and all.


But later I found out, he's having some issues like commitment issue, his own issue, and previous girlfriends issue. He had pretty bad relationships earlier on, that he almost failed his medical school because of his relationship. So he said he was scared to fall in love. Though he really liked me very much, he was afraid. When I started getting to know more about him, and after having a few of serious conversation with him, I found out he gets depressed and freaks out very easily. And sometimes when that happens, he said he disappears. Well, before when we made commitment to each other, he had one of those freak-out session but he was okay a bit later.


And I found out that his mom was dying from terminal illness. She was sick for a very long time. He is very close with his mom. He is doing his residency in New York, but his mom lives in California. So he was very stressed that his mom was really sick and there was not really anyone who can take care of her in California that he can trust. And it was really hard for him to visit her when her condition got worse because of his residency. His parents are divorced a very long ago, and he is the only child. He took a few weeks vacation in Feb to go back home in California, and took care of his mom. I went to visit him, met his mother and a few of other families, and everything went great. His mom was doing a bit better, though she almost died a few times, she was hanging on. She liked me very much, and I was just so happy to be there, even though it was only a few days.


Everything changed after he came back from CA. I came back to NY, and he stayed in CA about 2 more weeks. When he came back, he had skin infection that could be contagious. And yes, he was freaked out. He called me a few times freaking out. He said he was very stressed out. Because of his infection, we could barely have any intercourse, which is the way he shows his affection. He was acting a bit weird and when I told him about it, he told me that he knew he was acting weird because of his situation with everything that is going on his life. He often said things that pushed me away. Such as 'I'm a disaster, you wouldn't want to be with me', 'If I were you I would left me already', 'I hate myself'. I asked him if he was saying those thing to me, so I could dump him without him feeling guilty of dumping me. He said no and that he tended to push people away but he really didn't mean that way. (He often said these things from the first time I've met him...) Sometimes he used to text me crazy things like he wanted to kill himself which made me so worried. I cried in front of him because I was so stressed that I had to hold all my emotion inside of me because I didn't want to stress him about my feelings. He said sorry and he told me that he was able to take care of me also, so I should tell him about how I felt. And he said he was trying to chill out for 2 weeks so he could go back to work, and also get healed from the infection. And told me not to worry.


And I became obsessive and clingy. I used to get all the attention on earlier stage, and now I was getting NONE. He used to randomly text me about how beautiful I was and how much he liked me and so on. Like really a lot of those crazy texts. When I was seeing him first 2 months, he always tried to grab me and kiss me and so on. I had to say NO to him a lot because he was just doing so much! But after he came back from home, it was different. We still saw each other but he was less like that. And 2 weeks later when he came back, I demanded to see each other more often. About every 2 days. One time he wanted to hang out with his friend, but he couldn't because he had to see me. (When he told me he might go to the bar with his friend after work, I got upset....)


And yes, even though we were spending all Sunday together, I still complained. I complained about he didn't look happy when he was with me. I even told him I was not having fun. And he kept asking me "are you okay?" But to me, I was upset because he looked upset. He said he had a lot on his mind and he was just very tired. (He works from 6am-6pm, and every 4th day 6am-8pm.) And I was all like "Omg, you probably wanted to hang out with your friend but you're upset now because you are with me. Aren't you?!" I WAS STUPID. I was just getting upset over nothing and even told him to leave me alone for a few min. I was being dramatic for no reason. He said it was nothing like he was upset, and he told me to relax. And that was my last time I saw him.


The next week, I told him I was going to Canada on Wednesday to visit my family, and he said he couldn't see me on Monday because he is going to his friend's birthday party. But I told him I could not see him on Tuesday because I had work, so he said okay. And on Monday, I had to cancel my trip to Canada because of work, and I was upset. I texted him while he was at the party. He didn't reply about an hour. (He usually replies back less than 3 min.) And yes, I went crazy and sent him about 20 meaningless text messages to just get his attention. He finally replied and he said nice words. And I just announced him that I was going to come over to see him the next day.


And I woke up on Tuesday regretting whatever I had done the last night and the last week. So I stopped. I just sent short morning text and went to do my work. He texted me after work as usual, but I didn't demand to see him, even though I was supposed go see him. He didn't say anything but he was so tired and probably was going to sleep soon. He texted me a few times during the week that he was very stressed out and tired. He didn't ask me to meet up either the next days either. So on Thursday, I asked him to meet me on Friday and he asked me if I wanted to hang out on Thursday night with one of his friend. But I told him I would just see him on Friday. He said okay.


And on Friday, right before he got off work, he texted me that he wouldn't be able to see me that night because he was going out with his guy friends. And I got VERY annoyed. I have already told him how much I hated it when people flake on me. He said his friend just texted him and he was sorry. That was all. He didn't even try to plan our meeting for the next time. So I got sad and upset, so 5 min later I dumped him via text.


And he didn't reply to that message at all. I didn't bother to text him for 3 days. But I was irritated that if we really broke up or not. He didn't even reply me with simple 'ok', so I was confused. Then I started looking back on what I had done. And yes, I texted him 'sorry'. For being so clingy and obsessive.


He replied me with that it is not my fault, and I am a good person with a great heart, and he cares about me, but he has been thinking a lot and he has no time or energy mentally and emotionally to give a person what they deserve in a relationship because of his mom who is getting worse and crazy work schedule. And He said that he was going back to CA to visit his mom soon because she was getting worse. I asked him if we could work it out. And he told me he needed some time, he didn't have to disappear but he was very upset about everything. And he said he does like being with me. I told him I understood and also wouldn't rush him. And he said thank you.


And he left to CA a few days ago. He said his mom was dying and had to go see her. After all, I only sent him a short text about how he/she was doing and so on every 2 days. He does not text me anymore, he only replies when I text him. And I'm confused, because when I look back, it seemed like he really wanted to be with me but now I feel like he wants me to leave him. He is only my 2nd BF and I had never had this experience before, so I'm not sure how to react.


I've read many thread about their SO changed completely and broke up after the loss of loved one. I'm afraid that will happen to me also. Even though it was short time dating him, I really care about him and love him a lot. And I'm terrified that he would come back as a different person.. Can you give me ANY advice on this?

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Unfortunately, regardless of his mother or all these other neuroses, he is not ready, willing or able to have a serious or long term relationship.


If you are having fun and ok with casual then enjoy. Frankly he sounds like a piece of work and if you have a lot of spare time for drama, proceed but if you want a decent relationship, end it.


Are you sure he's telling you the truth about things?

2 months dating. I'm 24 and he is 29. he said he was scared to fall in love. Because of his infection, we could barely have any intercourse, which is the way he shows his affection.
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So when I talked to him about commitment and all, he was scared. He said that with his ex girlfriend, it was like drama every day. He was tied to his girlfriend that it caused him so much stress which led him to almost fail his medical school so he had to brake up. He told me he went to see psychiatrist a few times, since there were more issues (his family and school) and so on. He told me that he was tied up to his ex because he was in love with her. And it was almost like his life was controlled by his ex and he felt that he lost his independency. So he said he wanted to take it slow. (I'm not a big fan of "taking slow"...)


And you're right. He is a piece of work. I sometimes feel like he is much younger than me, mentally. He gets freaked out more often and worse than me.. And he did have his infection because I was at the doctor's office with him and the doctor told him to avoid physical contact if possible because it could get worse. And after, we still had sexual intercourse a few times (it was really less than what we used to) but then his infection got worse so we completely stopped.


I believe he is telling the truth, because he has been straight-forward with some other issues, which hurt/upset me sometimes. And when I get upset/hurt, he told me that he didn't want to lie to me saying sweet things. I never thought he was lying either because he is just.. too obvious.


I guess it would be still too much drama even for casual relationship... Haha. Maybe I should really end it and just move on like you said.

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