WombatShadow Posted March 26, 2017 Share Posted March 26, 2017 It's been three months since that first conversation, the one where we agreed to try to fix things. It was an awful afternoon, but one that we needed. I cried. You cried. We cried together and separately. But we acknowledged a lot of what was going wrong in the relationship, and agreed to work on those things. It's been two months since I noticed that things were getting better. You were texting me more, you were touching me again when we were together. We were joking and laughing and touching and it was so great. It's been five weeks since you became even more distant than before. I thought it was the stress. Work. Your mom. The distance. But we'd been through worse and come through just fine. It's been four weeks since you held my hand in your truck and told me that our time had passed last summer. That things just weren't working anymore. That you still wanted to be friends. We cried together again, and I told you that your friendship meant everything to me. It still does. It always will. It's been three weeks since I finally got you to talk to me over the phone. Since our first serious fight of the relationship. You told me that you loved me, but that you weren't in love. That you hadn't been in love with me in a long time. That you didn't want to fix our relationship, that you didn't want to try anymore. It's been three weeks since I told you that I didn't know if I could ever just be a friend. Three weeks since my heart truly and actually broke. Three weeks since I heard you sobbing over the phone as I sobbed on my end. It's been two weeks since I really started looking at the relationship objectively. Since I realized how very depressed I had been. How needy, how clingy I had been as a result. How much you had tried to retreat, like you do when you're depressed. How much it must have hurt you to try to fill my insatiable need for conversation and closeness. How it may have made you think you weren't giving me what I needed or deserved, when in fact it was me who was making unreasonable demands. I wish I had seen it sooner. I wish we had seen it sooner. It's been one week since I reached out again. Since that awful date with that awkward man. I didn't tell you about the date. We talked about your mom. About my job. About our friend. We barely mentioned us. You said you'd talk to me about your birthday. I agreed. I couldn't help but be pleased that you sounded sad when I said I had to go, or when I heard your voice hitch as you mentioned the break up. And now, here alone on a Saturday night, I want nothing more than to text you. Call you. Drive to see you. Make you happy again. But I can't. I can't be the one to pull you out of your depression. I can't be the one you talk to about your crazy day at school. I can't be the one whose touch you lean into. You made that choice. And you have to be the one to unmake it. -- Sorry about this. Today has been really hard. I went to see a show I had bought tickets for as a Valentine's Day present, but instead of my lover...I took my mother. It was an awesome show that I thoroughly enjoyed (loved, even), but in the back of my mind I kept imagining what it would be like if he had been able to come with me, after all. I'm still in LC mode, but trying not to make contact for a while unless he reaches out. I know he misses me. Everyone tells me he misses me. But he's a stubborn one, and his tendency to withdraw isn't going to make things easy on me. But god, do I miss him right now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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