Time and Feelings

[WombatShadow]

It's been three months since that first conversation, the one where we agreed to try to fix things. It was an awful afternoon, but one that we needed. I cried. You cried. We cried together and separately. But we acknowledged a lot of what was going wrong in the relationship, and agreed to work on those things.

 

It's been two months since I noticed that things were getting better. You were texting me more, you were touching me again when we were together. We were joking and laughing and touching and it was so great.

 

It's been five weeks since you became even more distant than before. I thought it was the stress. Work. Your mom. The distance. But we'd been through worse and come through just fine.

 

It's been four weeks since you held my hand in your truck and told me that our time had passed last summer. That things just weren't working anymore. That you still wanted to be friends. We cried together again, and I told you that your friendship meant everything to me. It still does. It always will.

 

It's been three weeks since I finally got you to talk to me over the phone. Since our first serious fight of the relationship. You told me that you loved me, but that you weren't in love. That you hadn't been in love with me in a long time. That you didn't want to fix our relationship, that you didn't want to try anymore.

 

It's been three weeks since I told you that I didn't know if I could ever just be a friend. Three weeks since my heart truly and actually broke. Three weeks since I heard you sobbing over the phone as I sobbed on my end.

 

It's been two weeks since I really started looking at the relationship objectively. Since I realized how very depressed I had been. How needy, how clingy I had been as a result. How much you had tried to retreat, like you do when you're depressed. How much it must have hurt you to try to fill my insatiable need for conversation and closeness. How it may have made you think you weren't giving me what I needed or deserved, when in fact it was me who was making unreasonable demands. I wish I had seen it sooner. I wish we had seen it sooner.

 

It's been one week since I reached out again. Since that awful date with that awkward man. I didn't tell you about the date. We talked about your mom. About my job. About our friend. We barely mentioned us. You said you'd talk to me about your birthday. I agreed. I couldn't help but be pleased that you sounded sad when I said I had to go, or when I heard your voice hitch as you mentioned the break up.

 

And now, here alone on a Saturday night, I want nothing more than to text you. Call you. Drive to see you. Make you happy again.

 

But I can't. I can't be the one to pull you out of your depression. I can't be the one you talk to about your crazy day at school. I can't be the one whose touch you lean into.

 

You made that choice.

 

And you have to be the one to unmake it.

 

--

 

Sorry about this. Today has been really hard. I went to see a show I had bought tickets for as a Valentine's Day present, but instead of my lover...I took my mother. It was an awesome show that I thoroughly enjoyed (loved, even), but in the back of my mind I kept imagining what it would be like if he had been able to come with me, after all.

 

I'm still in LC mode, but trying not to make contact for a while unless he reaches out. I know he misses me. Everyone tells me he misses me. But he's a stubborn one, and his tendency to withdraw isn't going to make things easy on me.

 

But god, do I miss him right now.

[rich46]

It's been three weeks since I finally got you to talk to me over the phone.

As tough as it is, please leave him alone and give him all the space he needs from now on. That means not initiating contact ever again. For whatever reasons, he has grown to be confused about the future of your relationship, and pursuing him for answers and deep conversations is only going to serve one purpose, namely pushing him away further. Possibly past the point of no return. So please leave him be.

 

Everyone here knows how hard it is, but you have to turn the focus onto yourself now - hobbies, friends, exercise, etc etc.

 

But for goodness sake, please don't go dating as you clearly are a long way from being ready, and it will just make you feel ten times worse.

[WombatShadow]

I literally only sought out answers one week after the breakup. Like so many others on here, I was desperate and confused and was in the denial/bargaining phase of mourning. I'm not trying to pin him against a wall and demand answers anymore. That's foolish. If I want to get him back (and I do), I know I need to let myself move on from needing him. Despite what the post above sounds like, I'm actually doing really well as far as hitting the gym, getting back into old hobbies, etc. Today has been way harder in comparison to most of the past three weeks, likely because of the show that we had planned to see.

 

As for the date: I was backed into a corner by a former coworker who knew about my breakup and also knew I can be too nice for my own good. She asked me out on behalf of her son, while he was audibly listening on her side of the phone. I went (see "too nice for my own good"), and while I actually did okay...my company was awful. I would never have gone out with him were I not in this state and had I not been ambushed.

 

Finally, I'd like to address the No Contact. I tried it for a while, telling my ex that I needed time before I could even try to be friends. I was told by multiple friends and some of his family that, although he agreed to it, it was really hurting him. It was really hurting me, too, and after that date I decided to reach out with some friendly conversation. He called me, we had a nice conversation for 30 or 40 minutes, and he told me he'd contact me near his birthday (if not sooner). He keeps his word, so I know I'll hear from him again We don't live near each other, so there's no real chance that we're going to run into each other until we've discussed it and we're ready, so I don't really see how leaving the channels of communication open is going to make anything worse.

 

If anything, knowing that I can talk to him if I really really need to makes it easier to let go of that overpowering need. It's kind of like being on a diet: I can throw away all of my cookies and sweets and swear them off, but eventually I'll get a craving so intense that I go buy a whole package of cookies and eat the entire thing for dinner, and then I've ruined my diet and have to start over (or just give up). If I allow myself to have a bag of chocolates in my fridge, it's easier to put off small cravings by just pushing it back a bit or, if it gets bad, having one piece of chocolate and being satiated. My diet isn't ruined by one piece of chocolate, so I can continue it.

 

I know that No Contact is basically the motto of ENA, but I don't think it applies universally. Someone else on this site (can't remember who atm) said something that spoke to me: "If you want to show that you love someone and maybe get them to love you back, why would you ignore them?" There's a huge difference between allowing a little bit of good, healthy conversation here and there and basically vomiting communication at all times. If I were doing the latter, I'd agree that never initiating contact with my ex again would be a great idea to get out of that stage, but that's not where I'm at. Just as no two people are the same, neither are any two relationships or any two breakups.

[rich46]

Finally, I'd like to address the No Contact. I tried it for a while, telling my ex that I needed time before I could even try to be friends. I was told by multiple friends and some of his family that, although he agreed to it, it was really hurting him. It was really hurting me, too, and after that date I decided to reach out with some friendly conversation. He called me, we had a nice conversation for 30 or 40 minutes, and he told me he'd contact me near his birthday (if not sooner). He keeps his word, so I know I'll hear from him again We don't live near each other, so there's no real chance that we're going to run into each other until we've discussed it and we're ready, so I don't really see how leaving the channels of communication open is going to make anything worse.

It was really hurting him? Oh dear, poor guy! Of course it was. Because you weren't allowing him to wean himself off you gently.

 

My opinion:

 

I believe you are taking a big risk by reestablishing lines of communication.

 

A risk that he will disappear completely and/or meet someone new after the weaning off process is complete. A risk that you are subconsciously holding onto hope that he is going to come running back into your arms. And a risk that is ultimately making your goal of rekindling a romantic relationship a lot less likely to materialise.

 

But, we all have different points of view and ideas, so in any case, I wish you well with your healing.

[WombatShadow]

Of course I'm taking a risk. Every person who has been dumped and decides to try to get their ex back is taking a risk that their heart will be broken again.

 

If this was a case where we were seeing each other on the regular or we were talking every night, I'd agree that I was letting him wean himself off easily. However, our contact has been minimal since the first post-breakup week and we haven't seen each other for a month.

 

I'm still in that phase where I am holding on to hope that I can bring him back, you're right. I would be a lot more contactalicious if I had moved on, like I am with our mutual friends. I'm waiting to move into that mode until I'm well and truly over him, but in the meantime I think it's stupid to cut him out of my life (and vice versa) entirely. Like I said, No Contact is not the one-size-fits-all cure that ENA lauds it as.

[rich46]

Of course I'm taking a risk. Every person who has been dumped and decides to try to get their ex back is taking a risk that their heart will be broken again.

My point is that this risk is counter-productive to your overall goal.

 

He would be more likely to come back to you if you showed him that you were serious about breaking free and moving on.

 

If this was a case where we were seeing each other on the regular or we were talking every night, I'd agree that I was letting him wean himself off easily. However, our contact has been minimal since the first post-breakup week and we haven't seen each other for a month.

Nah, the very fact that he knows you are still there waiting for him is all he needs, plus the occasional sporadic contact to confirm it.

 

Like I said, No Contact is not the one-size-fits-all cure that ENA lauds it as.

Yep, this is usually how those still in the denial phase justify staying in touch with their ex. No words from me or anyone else will change your mind. Rather, you will reach a point when it clicks that you have been strung along, and you will wish you hadn't needlessly wasted months waiting on him.

 

I hope that moment comes sooner rather than later.

[Whocares479]

My point is that this risk is counter-productive to your overall goal.

 

He would be more likely to come back to you if you showed him that you were serious about breaking free and moving on.

 

 

Nah, the very fact that he knows you are still there waiting for him is all he needs, plus the occasional sporadic contact to confirm it.

 

 

Yep, this is usually how those still in the denial phase justify staying in touch with their ex. No words from me or anyone else will change your mind. Rather, you will reach a point when it clicks that you have been strung along, and you will wish you hadn't needlessly wasted months waiting on him.

 

I hope that moment comes sooner rather than later.

 

I agree with you!! I wish you were my relationship counselor lol

 

Look I hope you don't think we are being too harsh but you need to WAKE up. He can't miss you if you are always there. You can tell him you are ready to move on all you want, but your actions prove otherwise. I understand you're hurting, and I am deepy sorry for that. I'm hurting right now too from being played. I just hope you realize he's not gonna just wake up and realize you're the one for him. If you truly put your all in the relationship, nothing will bring him back. There's a small possibilty he will if you go NC but if y'all remain in contact I don't think you should modify your personality to meet his standards. I wish the very best for you, being broken up with hurts. Especially if you feel as if you given your all.

[WombatShadow]

I agree with you!! I wish you were my relationship counselor lol

 

Look I hope you don't think we are being too harsh but you need to WAKE up. He can't miss you if you are always there. You can tell him you are ready to move on all you want, but your actions prove otherwise. I understand you're hurting, and I am deepy sorry for that. I'm hurting right now too from being played. I just hope you realize he's not gonna just wake up and realize you're the one for him. If you truly put your all in the relationship, nothing will bring him back. There's a small possibilty he will if you go NC but if y'all remain in contact I don't think you should modify your personality to meet his standards. I wish the very best for you, being broken up with hurts. Especially if you feel as if you given your all.

 

I didn't give it my all, that's like half the point I'm making. I was depressed and didn't realize it, which led to my ex feeling that he couldn't help me in the way he needed. I'm working on fixing that now, but going No Contact isn't exactly going to show him that I'm no longer depressed or that I'm back to my old self, now is it?

 

Also, again, I'm hardly "always there" for him. Before I would text him daily, I would go down to his apartment at least once a month and he'd be up here once a month. He was game to continue that, and I have decidedly not continued that behavior. I just got confirmation (from a stern/concerned mutual friend) that my ex is not dealing real well with me not speaking to him as much as I used to. I don't think shutting him out is going to work in either of our best interests, even if it turns out that we won't get back together.

[Whocares479]

I didn't give it my all, that's like half the point I'm making. I was depressed and didn't realize it, which led to my ex feeling that he couldn't help me in the way he needed. I'm working on fixing that now, but going No Contact isn't exactly going to show him that I'm no longer depressed or that I'm back to my old self, now is it?

 

Also, again, I'm hardly "always there" for him. Before I would text him daily, I would go down to his apartment at least once a month and he'd be up here once a month. He was game to continue that, and I have decidedly not continued that behavior. I just got confirmation (from a stern/concerned mutual friend) that my ex is not dealing real well with me not speaking to him as much as I used to. I don't think shutting him out is going to work in either of our best interests, even if it turns out that we won't get back together.

 

Oohh I see, look I'm not here to judge you. You don't have to justify or explain anything to me. I just want you to know, even if you guys get back together and you give 100 percent, it still may not work out. However, you're lucky because you have a rare case where your dumper seems to give a crap about you , can't say the same for me *sigh*. I wish you all the best in your efforts!

[WombatShadow]

Oohh I see, look I'm not here to judge you. You don't have to justify or explain anything to me. I just want you to know, even if you guys get back together and you give 100 percent, it still may not work out. However, you're lucky because you have a rare case where your dumper seems to give a crap about you , can't say the same for me *sigh*. I wish you all the best in your efforts!

 

I know you're not here to judge me, and I'm sorry if I've been a bit snappish. I've just come back from an unsettling conversation with a mutual friend, and it's made me even more upset about the whole situation. I know that this might well end in us not back together, I do, but I will do what I can to make both of us happier in the end. And yes, my ex does genuinely have a lot of feelings left for me, whether they're friendship or love that has just been buried under depression. At least I know I still have that.

[Whocares479]

No you're totally fine! I know how it feels to get on here and have people tell you about your relationship. You know him best, and if you feel your efforts will go noticed then by all means try! I'm pretty sure if we had that option, half of us would take the opportunity. Keep me updated!