Feeling like he doesn't want to be with me

[EmilySmith219]

My fiancé and I have been together for 8 years. I'm only 24, so we started dating very young. We got engaged 2 years ago and have been on and off wedding planning. I'm very self conscious and he is very self aware. Lately more than ever, he's been smoking marijuana and when he comes home it's disappointing to see him head straight to bed. We've had conversations about it before and he told me he 'just likes it' , but it's hard for me to adjust too because I grew up in an drug addicts home & don't really feel comfortable having that in my adult life. We've put off wedding planning again and want to buy a house first instead, but I told him I don't want to marry him until he grows out of this habit. I thought he was truly affected by this until he came home today high as a kite. Am I in the wrong? Am I being too hard on him? Or is it my right to have what I want in my partner back? I need some serious help.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately chronically being on/off as far a the wedding will not change him. Even if he quits for a while he could start right up again after you buy a house or after you marry. Marriage doesn't change things it magnifies them.

 

Do you live together now? Dating since 14 y/o hasn't given you much time to experience anyone else, has it? Do not marry or buy a house if you feel you are incompatible or have deal-breakers.

My fiancé and I have been together for 8 years. I'm only 24.We got engaged 2 years ago and have been on and off wedding planning. he's been smoking marijuana and when he comes home it's disappointing to see him head straight to bed. We've had conversations about it before and he told me he 'just likes it' , but it's hard for me to adjust too because I grew up in an drug addicts home & don't really feel comfortable having that in my adult life.

[EmilySmith219]

We've been living together now for 4 years, and living together is great. We really do get along very well. People say we are too young to settle down, but he is my best friend, my family and I do love him dearly. We've stopped planning the wedding because it seems smarter to invest our money in a house, not a one day celebration, but stalled so many times because of other people's wants & opinions.

 

This happens to be the only issue that really affects our relationship. I understand the drug and why people do it. It's just something I truly believe holds back our relationship. He lies to me about it and tells others how big of marijuana advocate he is. But I believe because of it he has little to no motivation.

[Batya33]

Instead of planning the party to celebrate your wedding ceremony why not plan the marriage? See a couples counselor, really talk directly and respectfully about your boundaries with respect to his drug use, and if that is resolved, set a date for your wedding ceremony, get married and have a small party to celebrate (or none) and perhaps have a larger party later.

[Capricorn3]

This happens to be the only issue that really affects our relationship. I understand the drug and why people do it. It's just something I truly believe holds back our relationship. He lies to me about it and tells others how big of marijuana advocate he is. But I believe because of it he has little to no motivation.

I can only strongly advise: Do NOT get married, or buy a house, as long as current issues (drugs etc) are not resolved. You'll be shooting yourself in the foot here (imo) and come to regret it. This is like a red warning flag flying in your face and you should take heed. The writing is on the wall here. Take note.

[boltnrun]

Do you want to have children?

 

If so, how do you feel about leaving your children in his care while you run to the store, while he is "high as a kite"?

 

Does he have a medical card? Does his workplace drug test?

[EmilySmith219]

In the far future I would like to have children. Now that we've called off the wedding I've been really focused on my career and building a future for myself/us and saving money. I have taken that into considering (leaving him with children) and obviously this is why I want to fix the situation now. I think he knows what he's doing is weong, and I think the reason I have such issues with this is because I relate him smoking weed to him being dishonest. He doesn't have his medical card and no his workplace doesn't test.

[Batya33]

So you are not engaged if you've called off the wedding- sounds like at least one of you was using the stress of party planning as an excuse not to get married. That's good that he can't get drug tested now but as you know of he wants to change jobs or careers this could be a big issue. Here's what I would do. For the next 6 months commit to finding and seeing a coiples counselor or someone at your place of worship who does that. See where you are after that time period. If he won't do counseling or seek it on his own then understand that he thinks his lifestyle is fine and that you two no longer have compatible values. The "but I love him" is great but doesn't mean you're right for each other in marriage.

[Salty]

You are too young to realize you can't make people change. If I were you I'd break up with him and explore the world. Avoid that major mid life crisis you are running for.

[boltnrun]

It doesn't seem like he agrees smoking weed and getting "high as a kite" is "wrong".

 

Seems like only you feel that way.

[TheRawTruth]

There are some things we see in people that will stop us from going further. It can be personality flaws, bad habits, arguments, etc. But WHATEVER IT IS, we know (in our hearts) that if that particular thing doesn't change, we won't be moving forward. We might still be together, but that feeling of planning our life and future (or our desire to DO so) will STALL.

 

What YOU have to decide, is how big this marijuana thing IS to you. Personally, I'm not into drugs. ANY of them. But some people smoke weed and it's nothing. If it were my partner, I wouldn't LIKE it, but I'm not sure if it would be a deal breaker. If it was causing other problems, then yes it would stop me. I'd have to re-evaluate our relationship. If everything else in the relationship was PERFECT however, I'd let it slide.

[Batya33]

You are too young to realize you can't make people change. If I were you I'd break up with him and explore the world. Avoid that major mid life crisis you are running for.

 

I don't think it has anything to do with age, nor do I think it's helpful to tell a mid-20s adult that (maybe a young teenager but definitely not in that kind of "you're too young...."). And I see "crisis" in many other groups than the stereotypical "mid-life". I think she knows she can't make him change and I don't see her focused on that -she said she is focusing on her own career and saving money (what I did in my 20s although to me that can be done while focusing on finding a long term relationship). I do think that the focus on party planning instead of marriage planning makes little sense but as she's indicated the marriage is called off for now.

[Annia]

You need to take some things into consideration. The abuse of any substance can undermine any relationship and life, and you know that well having grown up in a house with drug addiction. You got out of a household with addiction to the house of someone who is also addicted. And as you wisely stated, that's not what you want because you know how damaging and destructive that can be. You're obviously not ready to get married at this point and the relationship is not at his best too.

 

I'm also concerned that you say that he's your best friend and family, because this state of isolation and not having a good support network can make it so that you endure things that you shouldn't endure or be so sucked in into the relationship that you don't realize that there's life besides that or lack in comparison terms of healthy relationships vs unhealthy relationships... and sometimes outside perspectives and opinions are also needed. This support network can be built by going to support groups (especially of people who like you lived and dealt with addicts) and engaging into activities you like in order to make friends.

 

If you want to keep in this relationship and make it healthy you need to seriously have a conversation with him and access if he really wants to change his habits. Professional help might be needed if it's necessary for him to leave his addiction. Couples counseling/therapy + individual therapy for both of you can also help a lot. You also need to think very well about what kind of relationship you want to have and what are the boundaries you won't let him on anyone surpass.

 

Of course nothing will change if he doesn't consider that his getting high habits are bad for the relationship and even himself. If he doesn't want to change or doesn't realize it affects the relationship so negatively, no amount of talking or anything else will make him change, and then it will be up for you to leave a situation that is so toxic for you.

 

Unfortunately chronically being on/off as far a the wedding will not change him. Even if he quits for a while he could start right up again after you buy a house or after you marry. Marriage doesn't change things it magnifies them.

Do you live together now? Dating since 14 y/o hasn't given you much time to experience anyone else, has it? Do not marry or buy a house if you feel you are incompatible or have deal-breakers.

 

Another great wisdom bomb dropping

 

This is something everyone who is planning to get married should read and re-read as many times as needed... it would save so much heartbreak and pain to everyone. If a relationship has issues, marrying (or even worse having kids) won't make it better... things will only get worse if those issues aren't really resolved prior to marriage. Then it is up for people to decide which issues are worth fighting to change and which ones are deal breakers that are better getting away from.