Sawyer Posted March 25, 2017 Share Posted March 25, 2017 Ok, let me begin this Love story... I'm dating my friends Brother. Love my friend, she's super cool. Although due to her financial instability, he decided to get a house with her to help her out (she had a kid that was in HS), also, he would get caught up and save money himself. Good plan, sweet man... and at the time our relationship was new so I had no problem with his choices. Fast forward six years, nothing has progressed. Love her to death, but shes irresponsible financially and he is now in a situation where he has become obligated to be her ever long safety net. Kid is grown and gone, but now another one of her adult children has moved in. He supports the majority of their household, and needless to say hasn't saved a dime and is constantly broke. He makes decent income but sustains a wonderful life for his sister and her adult kid, and does nothing for himself or for our future. He'll never get away from them, because he would be put in the position to strand them. Her credit is crap so no one will rent to her. Adult child lives off of them and pays nothing, works under table jobs. So, six years in, I still get along with his family great, but his lack of will to foster a life for us to be together is putting me in a hard position. I'm ready to live with him, (which we had already made plans to do until his sister was first laid off, then fired from next job, then took a low paying job thereafter)... I own my own home and have two children. I would really like to have a normal relationship with him. I love him, as he does me, but its turned into more of a companionship type of relationship because were not growing due to his living situation. Even if he had his own place it would be nice, as the roommate situation is awkward. We're both in our forties and not getting any younger. I was married for 27 years. He was the first person I dated after my divorce. Again, I want this relationship to work, we get along so good, and honestly hes my best friend and I want it to progress. I love him, my kids love him. I sometimes think.... if he really wanted out of there, then he would make that happen and start looking out for himself/us. But he doesn't, so what does that say? I've given him every avenue on multiple occasions to be just friends so that there aren't any expectations. Yet he continues to tell me how much he loves me, how he would be lost etc, etc... continuing to keep me emotionally attached and unable to give myself the chance to meet someone who will put our relationship as a priority. The situation sucks, obviously I dont want to be the jerk that forced him an ultimatum, leaving his family to scramble for a place to live... that would only cause me to be the piehole and surely cause tention between his family and myself. No Thanks. So what next? Have any of you dealt with this situation? Do I have love blinders on? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
indea08 Posted March 25, 2017 Share Posted March 25, 2017 How much of this have you spoken to him about? Does he know how you really feel about all this? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wiseman2 Posted March 25, 2017 Share Posted March 25, 2017 Unfortunately he seems fine with the status quo of sharing a house with the sister. What do you mean 'companionship type relationship'? Is the passion, romance, affection, sex, fading? It sounds like you are friends, no? Perhaps the sister took over where the mother or wife left off? Where did he live prior to this? Have you discussed him moving in with you?We're both in our forties. he decided to get a house with her. I own my own home and have two children. if he really wanted out of there, then he would make that happen. I've given him every avenue on multiple occasions to be just friends. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
journeynow Posted March 25, 2017 Share Posted March 25, 2017 His sister may have money issues, but this is his money issue as well. It's not simply about being his sister's "safety-net" it's how he choose to handle his finances as well as how she handles hers. I see a similarity, to be honest. Love is wonderful, but it does not ensure compatibility. Love aside, you may be dealing with a miss-match. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sawyer Posted March 25, 2017 Author Share Posted March 25, 2017 How much of this have you spoken to him about? Does he know how you really feel about all this? Hi. Yes he knows exactly how I feel, but tells me there is nothing he can do because he cannot just up and leave them. I understand the position he has put himself in. When does he make a plan to get out though? And stick to it no matter what. In the past he had made that plan which led back to her job lay off, then being fired, now taking a low paying job. Ive even offered for them to come live here. He was fully against that plan. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wiseman2 Posted March 25, 2017 Share Posted March 25, 2017 These are his excuses to you. It's not about her. Ive even offered for them to come live here. He was fully against that plan. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sawyer Posted March 25, 2017 Author Share Posted March 25, 2017 Their finances really arent my business. I would NEVER ask him about them after six years you would think I would though, rightt? i know enough that I have to look out for myself. (Which is why im on here asking for advice). you are right maybe the compatibility just isnt right. Ive really only been with one other person the majority of my life. Its not easy dating after divorce let alone in my forties. i have no idea how. I also have no idea the correct boundaries i should have going forward. Up until now i have honored those boundaries mostly keeping tight lipped about the situation but when do I say enough Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dahl Posted March 25, 2017 Share Posted March 25, 2017 when do I say enough I think that it might be time, now. You seem to have said and done every reasonable thing you could think to do and offer to make forward progress toward a shared life together, sans undue external influences. I'm sorry to say that I don't think this situation will improve - I suspect, unfortunately, that it is and will continue to depreciate. I wish you luck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sawyer Posted March 25, 2017 Author Share Posted March 25, 2017 Hi. Unfortunately Im thinking he doesnt mind his living status except when she doesnt pay rent on time or when something gets shut off and he has to cover it. Prior to moving in with her he lived with a friend where he moved after he and his girlfriend broke up. As far as romance... no sex. He has that problem also. Zero sex drive. It was always less than normal. He has ED, Beyond that everything else is normal. Everyday he calls texts and mostly its he that initiates the communication. He always tells me how much he loves me and when were together hes affectionate as far as holding hands kissing or cuddling. Obviously ive thought twice about his true feelings toward me, which is why ive initiated on several occasions to just be friends giving him the out that he might have needed without hurting me, but he again expresses his love to me, tells me how he couldnt be without me etc so what am I supposed to do with this guy? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hollyj Posted March 25, 2017 Share Posted March 25, 2017 You're not compatible. They will always come first. He gets something out of enabling these people. Really unhealthy dynamic. I would be fed up. Stop wasting good years. Fin a partner, not someone who wants to parent their sibling. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wiseman2 Posted March 25, 2017 Share Posted March 25, 2017 If you want a real relationship you'll have to move on. It's never too late to date or look for a satisfying situation. Stay friends if you want but date if you want a relationship. They sound like these type of spinster siblings who live and grow old together. Some would find that a little creepy. Clearly he doesn't want to go past being friends that hold hands. He doesn't want to live like a couple he doesn't want to take viagra. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sawyer Posted March 25, 2017 Author Share Posted March 25, 2017 Thank you for your words. I appreciate hearing the advice of others Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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