Am I rushing into dating again too quickly?

[TheRemedy99]

I came out of a short term relationship with a girl at the end of January, we had only been together for 3 months but I really liked her and I was devastated when she chose to be with someone else instead.

 

I gave myself about a month to try and get over it, then got back into online dating at the end of February. Over the past 3-4 weeks I have been speaking to lots of different girls who all seem nice, however there is one in particular that I have been speaking to every day and we have been on 4 dates in the last 2 weeks.

 

The problem is, as much as I like this girl - I don't have a strong attraction to her. She is really nice and we get along well but I feel like I have a bit of a "take it or leave it" attitude when it comes to seeing her. She on the other hand seems to be very keen on seeing me every few days and keeps asking questions about whether she is the kind of girl I would like to "be with" etc.

 

I don't want to lead this new girl on and hurt her because she is really nice, but I feel like she is definitely more interested in me than I am in her at the moment. Also, I am still speaking to a few other girls on dating apps and I think that maybe I should see a few others before getting too involved with anyone?

 

I still think about my ex a lot, as I never had any kind of closure with her when we broke up. Even though it was only a short-term relationship I still feel like I haven't 100% gotten over it. I'm not sure if my lack of attraction to this new girl I am dating is due to her not being right for me, or if it's something to do with my unresolved feelings for my ex?

[getzrekt]

I would be inclined to agree that you are not really ready for offering anything committed right now. It seems to me that you are looking for feelings to compare with the ones that you have lost and to stifle the negative ones that you have been left with. That is one hell of a big ask and it's unlikely to happen. You need to deal with the loss and find your own sense of closure before you can really judge a new potential partner on merit.

 

My suggestion is that you tell this girl that you have been seeing about the situation, that you are still struggling a little with unresolved feelings about your ex and that you aren't really sure that you are ready to commit to anything serious. She may be a little hurt and/or disappointed but a lot less so than she will be if you string her along and then end up dumping her down the line.

[SherrySher]

Tell the girl that is keen on you the truth asap. Be honest with her and tell her that you're not ready to date . She is going to be very hurt if you keep pretending that you like her the same as she likes you.

No point in stringing her along or willing yourself to like her back. Just end it and spare her more pain. She will get even more attached the more you pretend to care and you can't force yourself to feel the same.

 

You seem very back and forth right now with your feelings as well when it comes to dating. If you are asking this question, then no, you're most likely not ready to date.

You are only ready when you truly have a clear mind and no other thoughts of you ex lingering, or still missing them etc...and you're not there yet.

[nutbrownhare]

I've heard it said that it often isn't the length of a relationship which makes it difficult to get over, but its intensity. At only three months in, you would still be in the starry-eyed honeymoon phase of the relationship and not yet seen the real her - except in so far as she realised she wanted to be with someone else. However, you need to realise that this is a fantasy and will fade in its own time, especially if you're getting out and about and meeting nice people.

 

Although that is not to say that everyone you meet now would be a good match. I'd feel pressured if someone I'd only been seeing for a couple of weeks wanted me to commit to a relationship or not, and there's nothing wrong with asserting your boundaries and saying that though you've really enjoyed her company so far - it's too soon to tell if you two are well suited for anything longer term. After six weeks to three months you'll be much better placed to decide. People who push for commitment very early on tend not to be very good partners.

[TheRemedy99]

I've heard it said that it often isn't the length of a relationship which makes it difficult to get over, but its intensity. At only three months in, you would still be in the starry-eyed honeymoon phase of the relationship and not yet seen the real her - except in so far as she realised she wanted to be with someone else. However, you need to realise that this is a fantasy and will fade in its own time, especially if you're getting out and about and meeting nice people.

 

Although that is not to say that everyone you meet now would be a good match. I'd feel pressured if someone I'd only been seeing for a couple of weeks wanted me to commit to a relationship or not, and there's nothing wrong with asserting your boundaries and saying that though you've really enjoyed her company so far - it's too soon to tell if you two are well suited for anything longer term. After six weeks to three months you'll be much better placed to decide. People who push for commitment very early on tend not to be very good partners.

 

I completely agree with you about the intensity, my last relationship was short but intense! We were seeing each other 3 or 4 times a week, I stayed at her house a lot and even introduced to her parents and family. I think the 'too intense too fast' thing is what killed the relationship!

 

I do really like this new girl so I think it would be a shame to call it off altogether, but I have told her that I want to take things slowly... Does that seem fair, or would that still be considered as stringing her along? Maybe if I spend more time with her then stronger feelings may develop on my side?

[kamurj]

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