Darkness came into my relationship and now I think it's over.

[HSAA]

I don't even know how to begin, so I'm starting with that. About two years back, my husband of 6 years went on deployment for a year. We have three children and we thought it would be best if I went and stayed at his parents house for the duration of the deployment. It would mean extra support and a chance for me to work. All that was good changed in about the first week. One night my father in law came to my room and locked the door. I was very confused and he forced himself on me. I felt like I died. I didn't even fight back, I just felt like I left my body. I called my husband and begged him to let me and the kids go back home, but we had sold our house and he said we had no where to go. I didn't tell my husband why, because I didn't want him thinking about that and worrying about me as he was in a dangerous place. I felt so disgusted with myself and I felt like I must have done something wrong to encourage that unwanted contact. My father in laws wife is legally blind and still to this day has no idea what a monster he is. I remember shortly after it happened I was taking a bath and never before have I wanted to kill myself so badly. There was such a deep sadness inside me, it feels as if my soul is gone. I obviously didn't do it, and changed my hours at work so I was never home again when he was and never had the same days off. Not too long ago I told my husband what happened. He was furious with his father, but told me he didn't blame me. He said he wanted to confront him but knew he would deny it and my husband said he would not be able to control himself if his father lied. My husband said he would be here for me emotionally but lately, my husband has been more distant. He talks about other women and even sent an inappropriate meme to a female co worker. He has so many secret apps on his phone and he never leaves it laying around. I don't blame my husband to want to have an affair, I could understand that given what happened. I just don't like not knowing and feeling this thing that won't leave me alone the gut feeling that he is cheating. I have asked many times about marriage counseling and he has said he doesn't want to go. My sister is the only other person besides you guys that knows everything and she said "Who cares what he's doing, you need to get help for yourself". My one and only question to all of you is: Do you think there is too much damage done to save this marriage?

[getzrekt]

It would be interesting to know how your relationship with your husband was before all of this happened, to give context to his behaviour since. If you were to say that everything was good before then I would be inclined to think that your husband is struggling to deal with what happened and is using avoidance as a coping mechanism.

 

Is there any chance that your suspicions have arisen, or at least increased, because you are now feeling infinitely more insecure? It would be understandable if your natural inclination was that your husband should reject you for what happened and, therefore, you could be looking for signs that either aren't there or that you would otherwise overlook. Of course, you would be wrong to think that your husband should reject you and you would also be entirely wrong to blame yourself for what happened. What happened was an abuse, a horrible abuse, nothing less. It was put upon you, you didn't solicit your father in law's actions. He abused your trust and your vulnerability, being alone in his house. He is the offender, you are the victim.

 

Your husband can't just sit back and deny that something has happened, nor can he deny that there is a problem if you clearly believe that there is. It's not good enough for him just to refuse marriage guidance counselling unless he is offering some form of alternative. Doing nothing is not an option to which he is entitled, he's a married man, he's in a partnership, he's not single. I think that you need to make that pretty clear to him. In the face of the inaction of others all you can do is to be prepared to take action yourself. That action has to be about what is best for you, if he refuses to participate in what is best for you both. If you sit back and accept his inaction then nothing is likely to change unless he miraculously comes to his senses and I get the impression that he is quite stubborn.

 

It may be at a point where you have to lay it on the line to him and ask him if he is still interested in this marriage working out. If he says that he is then you need to make it clear to him that it won't survive without some things changing. If he refuses to change or to work with you then you pretty much know that his actions will not match his words and then it's time for you to seriously consider separation.

[Salty]

This is a tough one. Your husband is probably put off by you because every time he looks at you he is forced to visualize what his father did to you. Your husband is going elsewhere because other women seem far simpler right now. You need couples therapy there is no other solution, you are both victims of his father's disgusting crime. I'm very sorry for what happened.

[HSAA]

It would be interesting to know how your relationship with your husband was before all of this happened, to give context to his behaviour since. If you were to say that everything was good before then I would be inclined to think that your husband is struggling to deal with what happened and is using avoidance as a coping mechanism.

 

Is there any chance that your suspicions have arisen, or at least increased, because you are now feeling infinitely more insecure? It would be understandable if your natural inclination was that your husband should reject you for what happened and, therefore, you could be looking for signs that either aren't there or that you would otherwise overlook. Of course, you would be wrong to think that your husband should reject you and you would also be entirely wrong to blame yourself for what happened. What happened was an abuse, a horrible abuse, nothing less. It was put upon you, you didn't solicit your father in law's actions. He abused your trust and your vulnerability, being alone in his house. He is the offender, you are the victim.

 

Your husband can't just sit back and deny that something has happened, nor can he deny that there is a problem if you clearly believe that there is. It's not good enough for him just to refuse marriage guidance counselling unless he is offering some form of alternative. Doing nothing is not an option to which he is entitled, he's a married man, he's in a partnership, he's not single. I think that you need to make that pretty clear to him. In the face of the inaction of others all you can do is to be prepared to take action yourself. That action has to be about what is best for you, if he refuses to participate in what is best for you both. If you sit back and accept his inaction then nothing is likely to change unless he miraculously comes to his senses and I get the impression that he is quite stubborn.

 

It may be at a point where you have to lay it on the line to him and ask him if he is still interested in this marriage working out. If he says that he is then you need to make it clear to him that it won't survive without some things changing. If he refuses to change or to work with you then you pretty much know that his actions will not match his words and then it's time for you to seriously consider separation.

 

You have given such wonderful advice! I am totally insecure right now and I feel less than dirt. We had a pretty decent marriage before, my only battle with him was sharing in the chores and care of our children. I told him around January because he had invited his parents to stay with us for Christmas. I thought I could handle it and be strong but I was panicked the whole time his father was here and felt non stop fear and loathing towards his father. My husband thought I was crazy but I broke down and told him why I can never be around that man again. I feel so pathetic because I am constantly trying to make up for it to my husband, I know he is devastated. I have sacrificed a career for eight years to raise our young children and support and follow him around to each new duty station, now the thought of starting over with very little prospects scares me. Since I told him what happened, he volunteers for every mission that comes up, he is very rarely home and doesn't call like he used to. I have tried to talk to him about his feelings and he deflects and says "Don't worry about me, I'm here for you". I know he loves me but your right, this won't go away. I have told him that our marriage is in a dire situation and it didn't phase him. I think he mentally can't face the truth. All I can do is get the help I desperately need and start to repair my broken soul. It seems the more I try the more rejected and alone I feel with him. I hope someday I can heal and remember who I am because I feel like I have lost that. Thank you for your wisdom I really needed this!

[HSAA]

This is a tough one. Your husband is probably put off by you because every time he looks at you he is forced to visualize what his father did to you. Your husband is going elsewhere because other women seem far simpler right now. You need couples therapy there is no other solution, you are both victims of his father's disgusting crime. I'm very sorry for what happened.

 

I wondered if the thought of being intimate with me disgusted him, but if it has he hasn't shown it. I also agree that to him other women would look like heaven because of how hard this has been. When I met him one thing his family always bragged about was how close they are (I come from a very dysfunctional family) so I think that is worst part. I also feel so bad for his mother who lost her eyesight when he was 12 due to a doctor who botched up a surgery. She is a very sweet woman and does not deserve that awful man. My husband does not want her to know, he said she would not be able to handle it. I also know that even if something seems easier (i.e. A new woman) that doesn't always make it better and sometimes the best things you really have to struggle for. No matter what he decides, I want his happiness and I love him very much. I just can't see a path to getting through this with our marriage in tact,I really can't. There's just so many variables like never wanting to be near his father again. It would be better for him to walk away, definitely easier for him

[WombatShadow]

Your husband was also deployed, which can have an affect on one's mental status. He might be going through other issues on top of this one.

 

I highly suggest therapy for the both of you, together and separately.

[Wiseman2]

Why not move you your parents or family or friends? Your sister gave you great advice, it sounds like you have a good support network with your own family and friend.

 

Yes go to counseling for yourself to decide if the marriage is sustainable or salvageable.

 

You absolutely need to get your children away from the FIL.

my father in law came to my room and he forced himself on me.

 

my sister is the only other person besides you guys that knows everything and she said "Who cares what he's doing, you need to get help for yourself".