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Travelling to meet the family - who pays?

spinderella

By spinderella
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spinderella Contributor

spinderella

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My bf of almost 6 mos recently asked me if I would join him on his annual summer trip to visit his family. He takes his child every year and I would be bringing my 2 children.

 

He went on to say he'd understand if I didn't want to spend the money on an expensive trip (airfare). I feel like he should have offered to pay. I mean, it's his family, he's the one asking me to go meet them. I think in his mind he views it more like a shared vacation...which I'd obviously contribute to. I don't see it the same.

 

Thoughts?

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j.man Grand Master

j.man

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My girlfriend and I have always split expenses whether visiting my family or hers. We both tend to treat the other when it comes to going out in our home towns, but it's never even been a question whether to cover our own half of the big expenses such as plane tickets. Tickets to her home are nearly double what it costs to fly to mine, but I've never complained. We both understand and are fine if the other would rather not go that particular time for whatever reason, money included.

 

I think just six months in and it requiring plane tickets to see his family, it's understandably not a huge priority yet for you to need to go. It's just an offer if you wanna try to wing it. Even if he were the type to pay for his partner's tickets in a situation like this, I think it'd be too soon to confidently invest in however many plane tickets you and your two kids would need (don't know if one's an infant or if he'd be spotting you for an entire three seats round trip).

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Wiseman2 Grand Master

Wiseman2

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At six mos in it's an invitation to meet is family. They would host and feed you and your 2 kids while there or he would pay hotel and some meals? Then it world be fair to pay your and your children's airfare.

 

Don't go if you would rather save for a trip for just the two of you. Tell him 6 mos is too soon for your children to meet his family and get attached to him.

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abitbroken Grand Master

abitbroken

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Nope. You pay for you and the kids, particularly if his parents will be hosting you. Honestly, I think its too soon for the kids to meet his family. I would see if you can have relatives watch your kids so you can go alone to meet the family just the two of you or wait until the parents visit him to meet them. You are not blending your families at this early stage in the game, i hope - so no need for the kids to be in the mix. That way you can focus on meeting them and getting to know them vs your kids being out of their element staying with you and a new boyfriend, possibly misbehaving out of stress and having your parenting be judged.

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j.man Grand Master

j.man

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I'm so used to having combined money in a marriage that navigating expenses is a little foreign.
Yeah you'll wanna get out of that mindset real quick. Sounds like this guy's a straight shooter with this kind of thing.

 

It's not really about navigating expenses. Just pay your own way and that should be simple enough terrain to traverse.

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spinderella Contributor

spinderella

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I'm not sure why you expect him to pay?

 

When I ask someone out to dinner - I usually expect to pick up the check as the inviter. It's not like I would have a reason to go if it weren't explicitly to meet his family at his request.

 

By the by, I'm not the type to expect him to pay for everything. We make about the same money and I pick up the tab when we go out pretty equally.

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JaggerJim Community Regular

JaggerJim

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When I ask someone out to dinner - I usually expect to pick up the check as the inviter. It's not like I would have a reason to go if it weren't explicitly to meet his family at his request.

 

By the by, I'm not the type to expect him to pay for everything. We make about the same money and I pick up the tab when we go out pretty equally.

 

But this isn't a dinner, this a vacation. Much more expensive.

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j.man Grand Master

j.man

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When I ask someone out to dinner - I usually expect to pick up the check as the inviter. It's not like I would have a reason to go if it weren't explicitly to meet his family at his request.
You covering a $50 bill at Applebee's is a bit different from him covering travel expenses for you and your two children.
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journeynow Grand Master

journeynow

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My bf of almost 6 mos recently asked me if I would join him on his annual summer trip to visit his family. He takes his child every year and I would be bringing my 2 children.

 

He went on to say he'd understand if I didn't want to spend the money on an expensive trip (airfare). I feel like he should have offered to pay. I mean, it's his family, he's the one asking me to go meet them. I think in his mind he views it more like a shared vacation...which I'd obviously contribute to. I don't see it the same.

 

Thoughts?

 

I'm with your bf on this. I wouldn't expect him offer to pay for you and your 2 children. I would see it as a shared vacation, even though family is involved.

 

Will all of you be staying together while there? Definitely discuss logistics and expectations (and plan to pay for your self and your kids).

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j.man Grand Master

j.man

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Right. I just wanted to make it clear that it's not a he-pays-for-everything dynamic.
But hopefully you can see the pinch of hyperbole it takes to link the concept of "inviter pays" as equally to what would easily amount to $1000+ for him to fly you and your kids back and forth and accommodate you during your stay as you would to a $50 dinner out.

 

And, really, while I still wouldn't empathize, it'd make a lot more sense if you were gong solo with him and you wanted him to cover your half. But expecting he cover for your children as well seems more than a bit entitled.

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spinderella Contributor

spinderella

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I'm with your bf on this. I wouldn't expect him offer to pay for you and your 2 children. I would see it as a shared vacation, even though family is involved.

 

Will all of you be staying together while there? Definitely discuss logistics and expectations (and plan to pay for your self and your kids).

 

We'd all be staying together.

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spinderella Contributor

spinderella

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But hopefully you can see the pinch of hyperbole it takes to link the concept of "inviter pays" equally to a $50 meal and ~$1000+ it would take to fly you and your kids and provide accommodations during your stay.

 

Actually, no I don't. I've experienced this scenario for those kinds of expenses with friends before. A friend once invited me on a cruise, and paid my portion. I've invited a friend to floor seats at a concert that were $$$ and paid her share.

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JaggerJim Community Regular

JaggerJim

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Actually, no I don't. I've experienced this scenario for those kinds of expenses with friends before. A friend once invited me on a cruise, and paid my portion. I've invited a friend to floor seats at a concert that were $$$ and paid her share.

 

Well if you understand the concept, why did you not offer your share of the payment this time round?

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mustlovedogs Veteran

mustlovedogs

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If I ask a friend if they want to grab dinner I don't pay for them. If I ask a friend on a trip, I don't pay for them.

 

I'm surprised you would expect this.

 

Your boyfriend maybe should pay for a hotel if he promised you could stay at his parents house and that fell through for whatever reason and you needed a hotel - but maybe.

 

Equal partnership, equal payment.

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