Arpheus Posted March 22, 2017 Share Posted March 22, 2017 I am 34 years-old now, and what I will tell you happened when me and the girl in question were 19. Back then, I was in the first year of Faculty, and there was this girl who was obsessed with me, deep in love with me. And she was everything I could have wanted: incredibly beautiful according to my standards - which are very high, intelligent, cultivated, sincere, kind-hearted, plus many other important qualities. In short, she seemed to be the perfect match for me. And I rejected her and crushed her, for basically one simple reason, which a lot of people would consider more than stupid, but it was too valid for me. The reason was, if I go deep enough, pride. All the reasons I had for ignoring her boil down to this one. Because I've been hurt and humiliated by two girls in highschool, and I became very misogynistic after that, and I swore to myself I'd never love anyone again, and that I would have my revenge somehow one day... Anyway, about this girl: from the very beginning, from the first days of school, after she saw me, I noticed her because she was so beautiful, and she was also looking at me quite insistently, and she came to me, kinda shy and attentive, she talked so nicely and so open with me, I felt her honesty quite deeply, I rarely felt a girl being so honest with me up until her! We had so many things in common, starting with music and ending with... I don't know, literature and philosophy probably. And I remember her smile and her delicacy, and her tenderness, and the warm look in her eyes, the way she was looking at me. I remember she came one day and sat next to me when we were all alone in a classroom, there was a sunny afternoon, and she took my hand and kissed it affectionately and then put her head on my chest holding my hand above her heart - which here in my country is a very old way in which a girl says in a non-verbal manner that she offers herself completely to that guy. It's like her saying "I am yours, I give myself to you 100%, take me and do with me what you want". That is what it means in our culture. It's like when a dog puts his head (or mouth) on the foot/shoe of a person, it means it accepts that person as his definitive master. When she did that, I was shocked, because I understood what she meant, and nobody ever did that before, so, under the spell of the moment, I took her in my arms, and held her, and caressed her... and I felt like she was literally melting of pleasure... and she kissed my hand again and rubbed her head on my chest. I liked her so much, it's true, she was so very beautiful, and she seemed like the most innocent being on this earth during those moments, but at the same time, I also started feeling the urge for revenge. I didn't love her, I actually began to experience a sadistic satisfaction in ignoring her and playing with her heart. I couldn't wait for someone to fall in love with me like that, so that I can exact my revenge and get even. Plainly put, she was the scapegoat I needed. And in the end, she cried after I humiliated her in public. So, soon after I met her and got to know her a little, I plotted my plan. I never told her much, never gave her a straight answer to her indirect questions about me and her having a relationship. Neither a "yes" nor a "no". Whenever she asked me out, I either told her "no" or I accepted and then never showed up. Whenever she wanted to talk to me - which was kinda daily, I first accepted, and then dismissed her arrogantly. To be 100% honest, I intentionally let her drown in incertitude, and I jubilated deep inside at the fact that I could toy with her, and mess with her emotions. As soon as I realized she was serious - after that gesture she did, the one I mentioned above - I said to myself "Hahaha, my time has finally come! And look with whom! With the girl who is both physically and spiritually the woman of my dreams. Well, payback time now! It's gonna be YOU who's gonna pay for the wrong those two other girls did to me! There is justice in the world for me too!" Eventually, I got tired of her and got annoyed by the fact that she always wanted to be around me and trying to attract me to her, and after this game lasted for months and she waited the whole year for a sign from me or something, she ultimately approached me in public again, looking very sour and fragile and sad, and... and I took advantage of that and I talked to her so rudely, like she was nothing but a stalker and a scum. And then I noticed she couldn't hold back her tears anymore, she went pale, she started trembling, and she walked away. And everyone was looking at us. When I saw her crying, at first I felt an immense feeling of satisfaction and victory, like I had been healed or something. And immediately after that, I felt guilty. Because I realized I wounded her deeply without her deserving it. After she left, I stood for a moment, confused, and the first thought that popped in my head was "You hurt this poor girl who never did you any wrong, on the contrary. She wasn't guilty of anything, she's not like the ones who harmed you, and now look what you did to her." I remember I called her out loud the ugliest words in my language, which I cannot write here because it would go against the forum rules. I told her she was dirty, sick, in need of treatment, syphilitic, and all the other obscene words referring to a woman's genitals, I think you understand... And I said it all shouting, so that it would mutilate her soul... I never saw her after that. I don't know what happened to her, I forgot about her completely. And a few weeks ago, a woman stopped me in the street. She said "Hi (my name)" and I gazed at her for a few moments and eventually realized it was her. She was looking way older than most women look at 33/34 years old, and also somewhat devastated. We chatted for about 2 or 3 minutes, I swear I don't remember what we talked about, I was too surprised both to see her again, considering it's been about 14 years since I last saw her that evening back then, and also to see her looking so... badly, considering how stunningly beautiful she was back then. Or at least that's how she seemed to me. I just remember that in the end she said "You know, I always...." and then she looked at me in such a way that I got terrified. I couldn't explain what I saw in her eyes, but she was looking at me like... I had raped her, or worse. She had that look... like... an animal who doesn't understand why he's being tortured... like in those videos with animal cruelty when they're in agony, something like that... And it scared me. And then she left. I don't know what to make of this, but I lost days over it. What do you people think about this? About her, about what I did to her, about what happened back then in faculty between me and her, about the way she looked at me that day? Am I really such a bad person? I don't remember having intended to hurt her THAT badly... I definitely am sorry, but what do you think about her? Did she really suffer all these years just because of me? Cause that was my immediate thought. Her eyes, the way she looked at me horrified me! Why did she look at me like that? No one ever looked at me like that, ever! I couldn't sleep properly ever since, I keep thinking about her, and I'm afraid that I damaged her badly... I am so very sorry for what I did, I feel awful, I feel dirty and guilty, but I cannot change it, and I would like to know what really happened inside her soul/heart, and what should I do now? I decided to post my story here, if it's not the appropriate place for it then I'm sorry. But I think you understand I couldn't create this thread under "Relationships"... Link to comment
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