3.5 Weeks Out: Some Perspective

[WombatShadow]

I have decided against total NC. It hurt me, it hurt my ex, and I don't think that it was going to make anything better for either of us (when you're having communication issues, the best thing isn't to stop talking completely). We live two hours apart, so I don't have to worry about just stumbling upon him or about the temptation to stand outside his window at 2am with a boombox. If he wants to talk to me, I'll talk, and if something comes up I'll reach out, but I'm also not going to put in all the work for communicating like I did during our relationship. Instead, I will use that time to improve myself.

 

The first week or two of my breakup (honestly, it was the worst in Week 2, because we had a huge fight), I was convinced that this was all on his end, but that I had somehow screwed up. He stopped loving me because I did something or didn't do something, he refused to work things out, he didn't give me the whole truth during our relationship, he was being selfish.

 

Not all of that is wrong, but there is so much more to it than that.

 

I have been depressed for a long time, probably since I started my new job. I like my job, I like my coworkers, I like the university, but it's not really what I envisioned/envision myself doing for the rest of my life and it's certainly not where I envisioned doing it. Both he and I had pinned our hopes on me getting a job near him when I graduated, and it just didn't happen, and both of us were pretty beat up. At the time, I told myself that he was beat up, and that it was up to me to cheer him back up and make him happy. It took this breakup for me to realize that I wasn't the same person after that. I moved out of my parents' house and into my own apartment, and the comfort of having someone there to talk to at a whim was lost. I tried to fill in that void via my now-ex, not considering that I was now depending on him to talk to me more when our distance and respective jobs should have led to us talking less. I clung to him, I cried to him, I complained when he stopped texting or calling so much. We had a talk about it, but I hadn't yet realized my own responsibility for the issue, and neither had he.

 

Perhaps I am just in denial, but I think that I made my boyfriend think/feel he wasn't enough. He was already having issues in the bedroom (nerves+stress), and now I was insisting that he allow me to lean on him more than I had ever done. Neither of us have had any other relationships that even come close to being serious, and so neither of us realized that the issue wasn't just on him. He knew I wanted more, and knew he couldn't give me more, and so he realized he couldn't give me what I want/need.

 

He also says he fell out of love, but I truly think that's the depression on both of our ends rather than a true and complete loss of feelings. When he has been depressed in the past, it was because of things outside of our relationship (namely him moving to a new city by himself to start his first "real" job and his dad dying), and I have always been there to give support without sinking into depression myself. My previous depression was also the result of something outside of "us" (a job in Korea falling through at the last minute), and he was in a mental place where he could help me through (not to mention I was still at home and could also lean on my parents). When things didn't work out for me to join him last summer, instead of him being able to lean on me or the versa we were both down, with neither of us able to really pull the other out. We didn't address any of the issues caused by the depression until too late, and we never actually noticed all of them.

 

When I get depressed, I cling to others for support, hence me becoming needy after the new job. When he gets depressed, he becomes reserved and pulls away. In previous times I have been able to gently bring him back, but this time my clinging prevented me from seeing what he needed.

 

I think this is what's going on. Eventually I want to talk to him about this and see if he agrees, but not now. Not for a while. A long while.

 

Thoughts?

[gebaird]

This is a tough dynamic (I've experienced it):

When I get depressed, I cling to others for support, hence me becoming needy after the new job. When he gets depressed, he becomes reserved and pulls away ... my clinging prevented me from seeing what he needed.

 

The book "Facing Codependence" may help you. Getting treatment/therapy for your depression can help as well.

[Wiseman2]

Agree that sounds like a common dynamic. Some people process quietly and need space for reflection and some want to talk, reach out, etc. Then one withdraws more to achieve the desired space and the other clings more to achieve the desired contact.

 

Therapy is a great outlet for talking. So is having a good network of friends and family and social activities. Quiet reflection would help also, such as yoga or meditation classes.

 

Good you don't plan on contacting him.

When I get depressed, I cling to others for support, hence me becoming needy after the new job. When he gets depressed, he becomes reserved and pulls away.

[WombatShadow]

 

Good you don't plan on contacting him.

 

He quite wants to remain friends, and if our mutual friends are to be believed (not to mention his siblings and mother) he is just as broken up over this decision of his as I am.

 

Even if we never get back together (I am hopeful that we will one day, as we haven't truly been "just friends" since we met in 2001), I do want to stay in his life. His birthday is coming up in a few weeks, and he's already informed me that he wants me there. So...I guess I'm going to his birthday.

[WombatShadow]

I am extremely reticent to go on any sort of medication, because I know the depression is something that I can and will snap out of (not to mention that I absolutely hate being dependent on any medication whatsoever). I am getting back into more social activities, though; I just auditioned for a musical, something I haven't done in a couple of years, and I'm making a concerted effort to see family or friends every single weekend. It's helping.

[vesper]

I am extremely reticent to go on any sort of medication, because I know the depression is something that I can and will snap out of (not to mention that I absolutely hate being dependent on any medication whatsoever). I am getting back into more social activities, though; I just auditioned for a musical, something I haven't done in a couple of years, and I'm making a concerted effort to see family or friends every single weekend. It's helping.

Good. I don't think medication is always the answer, but it can help in some cases.