LiLo12 Posted March 22, 2017 Share Posted March 22, 2017 I've done a silly thing, which has left me very much questioning my new relationship... I started seeing a guy, last year, who has a young child with his ex. They are on good terms and, before we were even beginning to get together romantically, he told me they had split up over two years ago, and he hadn't been with anyone sexually, since. She is very unhappy about his being in a new relationship, and I've always suspected there is more to this than meets the eye. She has made it clear to him that he has to put their child first and I have accepted this, even when it has meant that she uses it as emotional blackmail to dump last minute childcare on him, so our plans have to change, or demanding that he speak to the child/ run an errand for the child NOW. Sometimes, she seems to know he has plans with me when this happens. I have not met his child yet, as I'm very sensitive to their needs, and the ex girlfriend has been very sniffy about me. She has also gone out of her way to make her presence clear to me on social media (sharing memories with him, commenting on his posts, etc.) I have also noticed that she seems to be making increasing numbers of excuses to 'pop round with their child to "see daddy". He adores his child - rightly so - and usually cannot see anything wrong in what the ex is doing. Anyway, my bad is that I spied the Valentine's card I gave him, in an open cupboard. I took it out to look at it, because it makes me smile and found that, tucked with it, was a letter she wrote him a year ago. The letter made it very clear that they were still sleeping together, at that point, and that she very much wanted to be with him. I do trust him to be faithful. That isn't a concern. His relationship with his ex does appear to be platonic now (on his side, at least) and I have no reason to doubt that from what I've seen. I guess I'm just wondering why he lied about the end of their relationship (he has repeatedly said that he hasn't slept with anyone in at least two years), and why he has kept the letter from his ex. And, is she going to keep behaving like this? Is it just early stage insecurity? Would it help if I met her? And will he ever stand up to her??! Should I put myself first and get out? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Andrina Posted March 22, 2017 Share Posted March 22, 2017 Yes, you should put yourself first and get out. If you're not happy in the present, never expect things to change because they probably won't. She is over-involved in your bf's life. Date someone who doesn't have children or who know's how to set up appropriate boundaries with his child'd mother. Speaking to him about this will only cause resentment towards you. Tell him the situation doesn't work for you and make your exit. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
j.man Posted March 22, 2017 Share Posted March 22, 2017 Is he a non-custodial parent? If so, any extra time is unfortunately entirely at the whim of the mother, so even if she's dumping the kid on him with little to no notice so that she can run an errand, he's likely and understandably going to be elated. It unfortunately also often means politics and placating the mother. Personally, I wouldn't seek to jeopardize any of it by stirring up drama. That said, you also don't need to be putting up with a relationship where you essentially can't make any concrete plans if a more spontaneous dating style geared around this situation doesn't suit you. You're well within your rights to pursue other options, and perhaps when (or, rather, "if") he's had enough dating situations crumble due to all the inconsistency, he'll take it upon himself to assert a better way to get the child more often without sacrificing some set personal time wherein he can actually date. But, as far the current reality is concerned, it'd inevitably come down to, in his mind, you vs. the kid. Won't work in that context. As far as the cards go, I guess it's tacky to put both notes together somewhere. But, being a fairly "typical guy" myself, my instinct tells me it was 100% thoughtless as well. As in no thought went into it. He had two things lying out that he likely was never going to read again and were taking up counter space, so he put them together and tucked them away. Who knows. Maybe he's the more "sentimental" type and there's some kind of meaning behind it, but I wouldn't think twice about it were I you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nutbrownhare Posted March 22, 2017 Share Posted March 22, 2017 Should I put myself first and get out? Yep - you are in a relationship with him, his ex and their kid, and this isn't going to get better... it's also early days - meaning that you haven't committed to him in a way which is going to be very difficult to split later on. It seems that he actually has two relationships on the go at the moment; the one with his "ex", who has done the childbirth bit, and the one with you - for sex and day-to-day stuff. This is actually not unusual for people who are absolutely terrified of committing to one person, and is reflected in the way he does not set boundaries with her. Good luck! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wiseman2 Posted March 22, 2017 Share Posted March 22, 2017 Unfortunately it's his decision, not hers, to put his child first and accept any last minute opportunities to help or see his child. Dating a single parent with joint custody requires a lot of flexibility. Do you live together? Yes they will always have a connection because they share a child and he seems ok with last minute changes and drop ins. It seems he's doing this because his child comes first to keep the peace and see his child with minimal drama.dump last minute childcare on him, so our plans have to change, or demanding that he speak to the child/ run an errand for the child NOW. I have also noticed that she seems to be making increasing numbers of excuses to 'pop round with their child to "see daddy". He adores his child - rightly so - and usually cannot see anything wrong in what the ex is doing. why he has kept the letter from his ex. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ParisPaulette Posted March 22, 2017 Share Posted March 22, 2017 All I'm going to tell you is to walk away. He lied to you about not sleeping with her and she's acting fully like someone that was and is still in his life, and very much resents (rightly so) that all his promises to her and the constant contact in sleeping with her implied that he would get back together with her or that they were and are together. I'm sure if you asked her she'd tell you he's been holding that hope out for a long time, sleeping with her and enjoying benefits, while telling her he "just needs time." Plus why would he put a love letter from her into your valentine? Don't you find that really weird, because I do. Almost like he's gloating about having two women who love him. All I can tell you to do is break things off or accept he's lied to you and you're part of a love triangle and it won't get any better than it already is, only worse. He loves having a harem by the appearances of it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
charity Posted March 22, 2017 Share Posted March 22, 2017 Is this a new relationship for you guys? If so then clearly she is struggling to see him with someone else for the first time. I guess that understandable and I would guess that in time it will go away. Her dropping the child off unannounced, does that happen all the time just once in awhile? The lie...I think he meant he hadn't been with anyone since her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LiLo12 Posted March 22, 2017 Author Share Posted March 22, 2017 Thank you all for taking the time to respond. He is a non-custodial parent, and I have always been clear that I absolutely understand his child has to come first and, of course, he adores spending time being "Daddy". However, when it comes to the point that I'm having to hide out in a car park, because his ex has dropped the child off, unexpectedly, in the context of "You said you'd always put the child first", there's something wrong. I've made it clear that I have needs too, but I just think he's really struggling to see that in the context of his child's, his ex's and his own needs. And yes, I think it's weird that he would keep letters from both of us together, like trophies! It is all very new, and may settle down, but I think he's laid out his stall as far as how he intends to move forwards. I think the decider will be my birthday, tomorrow. He has made it pretty clear that he has made no effort for me, whilst chuntering about having to sort out Mother's Day for both his ex and his own mother, at the weekend... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nutbrownhare Posted March 22, 2017 Share Posted March 22, 2017 I've made it clear that I have needs too, but I just think he's really struggling to see that in the context of his child's, his ex's and his own needs. I think the decider will be my birthday, tomorrow. He has made it pretty clear that he has made no effort for me, whilst chuntering about having to sort out Mother's Day for both his ex and his own mother, at the weekend... Unfortunately, if you're still with him, having put your own needs firmly on the back burner - he has no reason whatsoever to change the status quo. It suits him rather well, don't you think? Wait and see what happens tomorrow, but if he genuinely has made no effort (as opposed to teasing you about it, and then he does something special!) then that will tell you everything you need to know... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wiseman2 Posted March 22, 2017 Share Posted March 22, 2017 Although clearly the child and his ex to a certain degree will be in his life, he seems to live in the past as far as not upgrading his lifestyle to that of a dating single dad and making appropriate provisions for that, no? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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