trust issue, no contact in LDR for 3 weeks

[intotheself]

I am going through a rough time and I'd appreciate your thoughts.

 

I started online dating with a man in the 9 hour time difference zone, five months ago. After emailing for three months, we met in another country for a 6-day vacation and got along very well. Since we returned to our own countries, we have been in touch, whatsapping and video facetiming. In January, he booked his flight to see me in three months, that is, the end of April. He planned to stay with me for a month. He is self-employed.

 

The trouble began two months ago, when he went on a business to a different country. He stopped video chatting, telling me that the wifi at his host's place is broken and he was relying on his mobile data only. I understoood and continued to texting only. No call or video call. Three weeks ago, I felt that his communication pattern changed for two days. That is, he was in a rush when I texted him and failed to reply to my text although I asked him to. He explained that his phone died. But I got very frustrated and asked him over the phone if he is with someone there. I had to do that because he called outside the house, although I was expecting him to call me IN the house at that time. The next day, he texted that he is taken aback by my call and is struggling to formulate what he is thinking and he is focusing on dealing with some other crisis at work.

 

I dreaded the break up and wrote him an email of apology, also recounting my failed LDR experience five years ago, which contributed to my anxiety all the more. I ended my email with my wish that our LDR could work out. And I closed by writing, 'We are both very busy. Take your time and let us have some space.'

 

Indeed, we are having the busiet time of the year. Since then, I haven't heard from him for three weeks. He was planning to visit me at the end of April, so I have about a month to wait, but have no idea what he is thinking. Does he think that it is me who should contact him again, as I wrote, "let us have some space.' Or was he completely turned off by my suspicion and decide to end our relationship?

 

I was thinking of waiting until the first week of April and send him a text if he is ready to talk. He will have returned to him home country by then. Or should I wait until he reaches out to me?

 

When a girl says 'let us have some space', how would a guy interprete it? I never wanted to hint a break up. How much space does he need? It's weird that I gave him even though he didn't actually asked for it. I thought we had better have some time to ourselves.

[jujusamples]

Either a woman or a man whom initiate the space, the person whom initiate it should do the first contact. He could be just respecting your wish and giving you space since you asked for it.

 

I understand LDR is hard, and every little sign hits the insecurities button. You have to ask yourself, are you cut out for LDR? Not everyone is. I know I can't. I did it once and will never do it again. It's too hard.

 

I do know people that could handle the LDR and ended up getting married. Mind you, those people are very strong minded and don't let insecurities get to them.

 

With the phone call thing, I know when I'm in a Asia, it's very very tough to get internet connection. Even phone connections. It works well within the country, but if you are trying to call overseas, the connection is not always stable.

 

I say, you phone him and talk over the phone. Don't send a text message as your first contact. It's best to speak with the person. That way you could get better communications and hear his tone of voice. Texts can be misinterpreted sometimes.

[intotheself]

Thanks a lot jujusamples. Your words comfort me. And I see your point.

[Billie28]

The wifi isn't great so he is relying on his mobile data. Fine , then why is he not using his mobile data?

 

He is self employed and overseas for work. So who is this host? Or hostess?

 

What business is he in? And what country is he from and what country is he on business?

 

I sincerely doubt you are the only person he is in a ldr with.

 

I smell a rat.

[MissCanuck]

The wifi isn't great so he is relying on his mobile data. Fine , then why is he not using his mobile data?

 

He is self employed and overseas for work. So who is this host? Or hostess?

What business is he in? And what country is he from and what country is he on business?

 

I sincerely doubt you are the only person he is in a ldr with.

 

I smell a rat.

 

That jumped out at me, too.

 

OP, can you clarify what it is he does for work?

 

Honestly, you're already very long-distance. How much more space does one really need? I think you're seeing that it's just not working, OP. You don't trust him, and perhaps rightly so. You have spent very little time together in person. It's not enough to really know who he is.

 

I would call it a day and work on finding a good local guy. These LDRs so rarely work out well when you didn't know each other already.

[intotheself]

I had those concerns too. That's why I became so anxious and suspicious. He is a photographer specialising in children's photos. He is from England and has been working in Bahrain (nursaries) since February. I am in Asia. He said his hosts are an Irish couple and they were going away for two weeks to Ireland on vacation on his day of arrival. He became social and less available (in terms of communication pattern) from the day they returned from the vacation. So I bought his words.

 

But I got so paranoid that I ended up telling him that there seems no husband in the house and he might be intimate with the hostess. I even said that he may well have a local girlfriend to whom he is not fully committed as we have not discussed exclusivity yet. He denied so I thought I was going crazy. I was so upset that I didn't dare to ask him to disprove my imagination by video chatting in the house. I wanted to believe him and wrote the email of apology next day instead. I found that the next day he deleted his dating profile in the website where we first connected. He will be returning to England on 12th April. He was supposed to fly to see me on 25th April. I don't know what to do. The reason why I was invovled in LDR is that it is so difficult to meet local guys in my age demographic and in my culture. I have not met anyone even for short-term for the last three years despite my online dating. I am 50 and he is 53. I studied in England for five years in my 30s. He had an ex girlfriend from my country who was living in England. He told me he fell for my country after visiting here two years ago with his ex girlfriend. He was open about me to his dauther in England. At his home, he facetimed with me when she was around.

 

I was feeling I was needy and clingy in his busiest time of work. So I sensed I was getting super sensenstive about his texting patterns. I should have requested him to see me on video regularly but it seems too late. I am scared of requesting him any further.

 

Should I contact him again to resume our communication? Or should I wait for him to contact me? I don't know who is to try to restore trust in this relationship. Me or him? Is he upset because I acted so suspisiously and disrespectfully? I was dreading that he went silent as I acted so insecure and anxious.

[nutbrownhare]

Even if his situation in Bahrain is completely innocent, I very much doubt that you're the only woman he's in a relationship with. After three weeks of no contact, I'd come to the conclusion that it's over.

 

I've been in situations where I've been working away from home, very very long hours in a studio where there was no internet connection - but I still managed to keep in touch with my partner every day. If you want to be certain, contact him one last time to ask about the trip, but if he doesn't respond then I think you can take that as your answer.

[Random Person]

I'm really sorry for saying this but, I think you should be ready for break-up. 3 weeks without even a word isn't something normal. I don't know maybe he's a great guy and his excuses are true but if there are excuses more than usual in a relationship, that relationship has some problems, at least from one side.

 

I hope you become happy at the end friend. Good luck.

[intotheself]

Thanks for your comment. My question is, is he waiting for my contact, as I was the one who suggested having space? As jujusamples pointed out, is he respecting my space, because he feels I need time to restore my trust in him and approach him again? Am I the one who made a false assumption recklessly? He was willing to call me once when I requested but I soon declined, "We can just text, as I don't want you to use up the data." I realize that I didn't speak up my needs and got resented in the end for him not initiating to do so. So he may be thinking I was the one who got upset and irrational while he thinks he didn't have done anything wrong. He was very busy during the week.

 

I will try to reach him soon before having any regret. What I want now is to resume our communication to hear from his side, how I made him feel and what he thinks about the trip now. But I don't want to have 'where is this going' talk. So I have no idea how to approach him. I would like to suggest him that he visit me, as long as he thinks trust can be restored in our relationship.

[intotheself]

I'm really sorry for saying this but, I think you should be ready for break-up. 3 weeks without even a word isn't something normal. I don't know maybe he's a great guy and his excuses are true but if there are excuses more than usual in a relationship, that relationship has some problems, at least from one side.

 

I hope you become happy at the end friend. Good luck.

 

Yes...I have been preparing myself for the break-up for three weeks. Then the question came to me as I posted above. Should I try to contact him first? Thanks for your kind words. I will be all right no matter what.