One "friend" is alienating me and I don't know why

[Anon2555]

Normally I wouldn't post online for advice but to be honest, I don't know what else to do.. I need an impartial opinion.

 

I have 2 "friends" who I would have considered my best friends, Cali & Sarah. In a group of about 10+ people who meet up, Cali & Sarah are the ones who I used to speak to daily. I've known this group for almost 10 years now.

 

Last summer, myself, Cali & Sarah had a spontaneous idea to road trip in my car and we had an amazing time.. we also went on a beach holiday after and it was good, I did have a couple of squabbles with Cali because she was a bit of a nightmare to share a room with.. drinking too then much puking all over the hotel room every night.. that stuff gets tired real quick when you slip on it and smack your head on the floor.

 

Anyway the weird behaviour came at the end of this beach trip - I decided to get picked up from the airport by my BF as he had my car and it made more sense as his house is on the way from the airport... I live about an hour from him. I had planned to head back with Cali originally but I figured since I didn't have a car to get back to my place from hers, it didn't make a lot of sense my BF driving all the way to mine when I'm passing his 20 minutes from the airport.

 

Cali had an issue with this but she didn't make it obvious at the time. A week later I'm texting her and not getting any responses, I figured maybe she's just busy after coming back, it was a really long flight and I'll hear from her in a day or two.. heard nothing. I was getting annoyed by the silence, I asked Sarah repeatedly what's going on?? I've got Cali's birthday presents and I wanna drop them to her! Sarah's playing dumb saying she has no idea, Cali hasn't mentioned anything to her, she doesn't know, why don't I keep trying to text her... Whilst in the same breath saying "I can't deal with you two" Cali had been seeing Sarah every day... so I figured ok, Sarah doesn't want to feel like she's in the middle, I get that but it's pretty obvious from that statement that somethings been said.

 

Cali eventually comes back to me, tells me the issue and to be honest I was quite surprised.. I mean.. we're grown women and I didn't think sharing the ride home was important, I apologised and just told her I'm sorry, my reasoning is simply that I couldn't go back to her place with her because I'm back to work first thing tomorrow, wanted to get some stuff done before then and I needed the car for that. She cries and apologises for being so hostile over it and says shes overreacted, I apologised for upsetting her. We moved on, or so i thought.

 

We were basically a trio. We'd go to dinner together, we'd plan nights out together, everything was us 3.

 

December rolls around and I'm saying we gotta make plans for new years eve, what are we doing, where shall we go etc. Sarah & Cali are both saying they don't know, both being very weird about it... In the end they've pretty much shunned the idea of doing anything over xmas or NYE at all.. no plans to do anything whatsoever. I decided to book a last minute break with my bf since him and I both work long hours and he suggested it. When I mentioned this to Sarah she encouraged it, and the next day she came back to me and said oh that's great, Cali's parents have booked her and I to go on a cruise with them, we leave tomorrow. I felt hurt (They went on the same cruise last year and both swore I had to come next time, I said i definitely would and to let me know when they're booking, I'll book myself). Anyways, I was really upset by this.. I came to find out that they'd booked the cruise in the summer, around the time we were road tripping in my car and they both kept it very quiet, didn't invite me or even bring it up - this made it feel like it was intentionally deceitful.

 

My boyfriend said look, don't worry about it. Friends do stuff sometimes but you've known these girls for so long, don't fall out over this. I spoke to them about it and they swore it wasn't malicious - I figured life's too short and carried on as normal.

 

I can sense Cali has issues with me, what they are I don't know. When I've seen her have issues with people in the past she can be very manipulative, kinda plays the victim to an audience but plots stuff in the background against whoever has upset her, whereas I'm very straight to the point with people, I like to get things out in the open and resolve them straight away if I've upset anyone.

 

Sarah's become weirdly distant. Her & Cali have grown closer since Cali's parents (apparently) have been booking concerts and stuff for them to go to. I don't get a heads up to book myself to go with them. Now they've started working together and hanging out with their mutual work friends. Friday night I asked Sarah what shes up to, wanna do something? she said she's going to a colleagues place with Cali. I said ok kool, have fun. I randomly get a text at 11 when I'm round my cousins place telling me to get dressed up and go and meet them, they're out. I thought to myself... Wonder why I'm being invited out now? I checked snapchat and I saw that they were out with 2 colleagues and some of our mutual friends from the group in a venue that shuts at 1am. It felt like it was just an attempt by Sarah to cover all the social media updates she'd been making since just before texting me, not an actual invite.

 

I don't get genuine invites anywhere now, I've given up trying to call/text Cali as she doesn't answer or sends a quick response and goes quiet after that. They'll update social media in the same restaurants at the same time in the evenings but Sarah won't say they're together or she'll avoid responding until shes back home and will say it was really last minute. It's just got really weird. I'm kinda starting to feel like they both only want me around when it suits them, when there is something I can do for them or when they can gain something from my presence, that's when I get a call/invite.

 

Sorry for the long write up, but I felt it was important to give you all some examples of exactly why I feel alienated and what's been happening. I haven't spoken to anyone else about what's been happening since xmas because to be honest, I'm embarrassed. Nobody warns you how horrible it is when your "friends" start distancing themselves from you. The idea of meeting new friends scares me too as I'm an introvert when it comes to meeting new people and I don't have hobbies that involve meeting new people and I've always stuck with the same crowd.

 

What would you do in my position? I need outsiders points of view... If you've taken the time to read this I would just like to say thank you so much, I really appreciate it.

[Lisii]

My immediate reaction is 3 is a crowd... If it was me, I would just let it go of any type of communication with Cali, if Cali isn't responding to you don't force it, sounds like she has bff'd Sarah as a one on one friend not a group

 

Go out and make new friends, you are young and I can guarantee it won't be the last girlfriend drama you will go through, People will come and go from your life, you have to choose whether you want to force it or not. (in my years of experience - it will probably end nasty if you do..)

 

I'm not saying cut ties with them, just back away, be polite and make your own fun with people who suit you.

 

Good luck...

[ParisPaulette]

Well, from your description Cali sounds like an immature, somewhat egotistical woman who has a chip on her shoulder and needs to have an ongoing war/grudge against someone at all times. Unfortunately right now that someone is you for having dared to not let her control you 100 percent. And puking every night trashing a hotel room? Come the hell on, what is she 12?

 

Your other friend doesn't sound much better, because her whole solution is to pretend nothing is wrong, but I do agree it sounds like it's devolved to the point the two of them only want you around when they can get something from you.

 

And that happens. People outgrow each other, or one becomes more mature and then starts to call into question things about the people they've known, people also sometimes get worse and not better with time. It may be they are jealous of your steady boyfriend or your life or maybe you just don't have as much in common, coupled with Cali's need to have a grudge against someone, anyone. Because from what you describe, she sounds like exactly the type of person that you know why is snubbing you.

 

Regardless I would say this friendship has run its course. It's time to make new friends, maybe get closer with some of the other friends, leave these two. Be polite, but now is a good time to go do new things with new people and just be "too busy" to bother with them. Make your own plans and distance yourself. They both sound like they're not as mature as you at this point, and that's honestly what happens sometimes.

 

Now is a great time to find a new hobby or activity to get involved with that brings you into contact with new people. Or you get closer with some of the other people in your crowd and do things with them.

 

They sound like they've become frenemies who no longer really have your back, so it's time to move on. And I would guess Cali has held a grudge since you told her to stop acting trashing hotel rooms. But really it sounds like she and the other friend were already growing apart from you before that if they'd made plans without you and didn't tell you on the road trip.

 

Sorry, I would say this is the end of an era and it's time to move on to bigger and better. There's no need for a dramatic exit, just a slow fade and a polite how are you when you see each other. And you go do other things with other people.

[Wiseman2]

Get out of this litter box and broaden your horizons. Familiarity breeds contempt. You've outgrown these friends.

 

Make and maintain friends from all areas in life. Work, school alumni, neighbors, clubs, groups, volunteering, etc. it will help you grow as an individual. This threesome sounds too inbred.