starysun Posted March 20, 2017 Share Posted March 20, 2017 I was with my ex fiancee for two years. It was very rocky from the beginning, but we had connection that neither one of us ever experienced. We could feel each other more than anyone could. We were long distance for most part. I am sure I have some serious emotional issues from my early childhood, as my parents were in a very abusive relationship. But, he is having some too and I am no sure why, since his family seems ideal. Anyway, I was the only person he would open up to and tell his secrets. This is his profile: a very handsome, successful man in his early 30's, who is very attached to his mother, who cries when he says that he thinks his brother is more handsome than him and who went into pure rage (behind the closed door) and stayed alone in the room for 1 hour when my uncle did not hug him when he saw us, but hugged me. He tends to jump from one relationship into another, but has trouble committing. In our relationship, he was the best and the worst thing to me: he would take care of me, we traveled together, we would cry from happiness together....but....we would fight A LOT....I am not an angel, and I have my huge share in this break up. But, I think it was some kind of cognitive dissonance going on there: I deeply loved him and wanted to be with him, but some things were not clicking in terms of....well, his parents....he is a Muslim and I am from Europe, and from the day 1, his family was making comments that Western women leave easily (his dad asked if it runs in my family to divorce, since my parents are divorced). I have to say that with time, they became really nice to me (or so I thought), but it was always assumed that I will convert to Islam. I am not a religious person, and I have no idea what I was thinking and why I said I would. Anyway, when we would fight, he would ALWAYS text other girls then tell me how they do not interest him, but he cannot be alone. We broke up in August last year, but after a month we decided to give it another shot and we rented a place in his country and...well, this is dumb I know....he wanted a dog so we got a dog together. I moved to his country for two months...and it was bad....Sure, with the little puppy, there were great things....but he was someone else....we fought....a lot....we even got physical and I had my neck squeezed quite a few times. The problem is, he would cry...a lot....and I would cry...and eventually, five days before Christmas, I left. It was very cold, distant. It was a scene of defeat. He sent me an e-mail that he spent the whole night crying and thought I would take the cab back from the airport. He also said he would always love me. Every two weeks or so he would send me a message if I want to take the dog because he does not want him anymore, and so on, and so on. I was so frustrated because I could not take the dog and I did not want him to kick the dog out. A month ago we talked on the phone, and he yelled and said he wants to move on with his life, but cannot because of the dog. Meanwhile, I started dating a guy who is really nice (a bit older than me), but really great, except...we do not click like my ex and I did. I told my ex I am dating someone, he then sent me an email asking for his diamond ring certificate and for me to legally abandon my ownership rights on the dog and send him the paperwork. I did, two weeks ago, and a week ago he sent me another email asking when he will get it....My heart sinks every time I see his e-mail. A few days ago, my boyfriend proposed to me. After less than 2 months. I am nowhere ready, and I had some kind of break down so I called my ex two days ago and told him (maybe I hoped he would prevent me, save me, whatever). We cried. We cried a lot and he admitted that he never wanted to give away the dog and he used it as an excuse to contact me. That he misses me a lot and thinks of me but he would NEVER EVER go back to what we had. That these two months were hell and I am not the one he wants to be with. I am now back in my depression phase. I contacted him today to tell him about the mail that was not delivered and they will have one last attempt tomorrow, and he was so cold and distant and told me to "wake up" because he does not want me in his life and to get married and be happy. Two days ago he cried like a baby. I want to say that prior to this week when my boyfriend proposed to me, I did not ONCE contact my ex first. For two months. He would always send these dog emails. I need help. I am sad. Depressed. I cannot get out of bed (again) after three months, and I had to turn down the proposal from my boyfriend because I am nowhere ready. I have this feeling that this time my ex would actually never get in touch with me again. I mean, he said that I should go get married and be happy, so I may as well let him believe that is what happened. Any advice on how to heal and never look back would be great. Thank you for your support. Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted March 20, 2017 Share Posted March 20, 2017 It may be best to go no contact. Abusive relationships are intense as you describe but you need to delete and block him so you can heal and move forward. Link to comment
starysun Posted March 21, 2017 Author Share Posted March 21, 2017 It may be best to go no contact. Abusive relationships are intense as you describe but you need to delete and block him so you can heal and move forward. I hope you understand the darkness I am in, right now, so I cannot see very clearly. Do you think this was an abusive relationship? Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted March 21, 2017 Share Posted March 21, 2017 This certainly qualifies as abuse, no?we fought....a lot....we even got physical and I had my neck squeezed quite a few times. Link to comment
starysun Posted March 21, 2017 Author Share Posted March 21, 2017 I was always told that I asked for it... Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted March 21, 2017 Share Posted March 21, 2017 Is this an S and M relationship or some sort of erotic asphyxia? What makes you wonder if whether being choked is abusive or not?I was always told that I asked for it... Link to comment
starysun Posted March 21, 2017 Author Share Posted March 21, 2017 Because I would say things that are supposedly hurtful, or even push him, and he would react that way. This is why I am asking. Also, he said that he never hit anyone or ever would again, which is why I tend to blame myself. Link to comment
Whocares479 Posted March 24, 2017 Share Posted March 24, 2017 Please never blame yourself, I am so sorry for you. Nothing is an excuse for him to put his hands on you, NOTHING. Keep your chin up hunny, I'm going through rejection and losing someone as well so we can get through it together 😊. Tomorrow marks my 3rd day of no contact and I usually break it but this time I'm truly over it. However, I'm not at the stage where I'm strong enough to ignore him if he texts me but I'll try my hardest. Go no contact, it will be hard at first but trust me it will get better. Find that part deep down in you who wish this all to be over, let that part be stronger than the part thats missing him. Texting him may be a temporary fix , but after he plays you again it will hurt ten times more. We got this!! Take control of your life TODAY. Link to comment
starysun Posted March 25, 2017 Author Share Posted March 25, 2017 Please never blame yourself, I am so sorry for you. Nothing is an excuse for him to put his hands on you, NOTHING. Keep your chin up hunny, I'm going through rejection and losing someone as well so we can get through it together 😊. Tomorrow marks my 3rd day of no contact and I usually break it but this time I'm truly over it. However, I'm not at the stage where I'm strong enough to ignore him if he texts me but I'll try my hardest. Go no contact, it will be hard at first but trust me it will get better. Find that part deep down in you who wish this all to be over, let that part be stronger than the part thats missing him. Texting him may be a temporary fix , but after he plays you again it will hurt ten times more. We got this!! Take control of your life TODAY. Thank you for your support. I have been no contact for 5 days now. I do not actually have a need to contact him at all, but I have a need to make sense of everything. As if, no way, he cannot be this person. And also....I miss the dog so much....But he is on the other continent anyway...I hope you are doing great and you too get out of this all shiny and new! Link to comment
Whocares479 Posted March 27, 2017 Share Posted March 27, 2017 Thank you for your support. I have been no contact for 5 days now. I do not actually have a need to contact him at all, but I have a need to make sense of everything. As if, no way, he cannot be this person. And also....I miss the dog so much....But he is on the other continent anyway...I hope you are doing great and you too get out of this all shiny and new! Thank you so much, day 5 complete!!!! How are you doing? Link to comment
starysun Posted March 29, 2017 Author Share Posted March 29, 2017 Thank you so much, day 5 complete!!!! How are you doing? It is ups and downs. One day I am strong and I am even annoyed when thinking of him....then sadness kicks in again...I actually heard from some people that he is dating and treating her really well, which is not helpful but oh well Congrats on 5 days! Stay strong. We must burn to shine, right? Link to comment
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