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How overcome this fearful anxious mindset?


NatalieGon

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Hi everyone…something I’ve been wondering FOR YEARS, and have never found a normal answer for it, therefore, I keep making the same mistakes- so I would love your input !! I’ve read a lot of cool (and rational) articles about dating and sometimes they emphasize the importance of letting your man know that he’s wonderful, amazing, thanking him for small things etc.. but then again, I end up feeling a little bit like a doormat (happened with a few guys)- my ex said that it seemed that I don’t have high self worth, I didn’t “inspire” him to be the best version of himself (and he was the insecure one…)…

On the contrary, it also happens that I don’t acknowledge those small things and struggle to be open and let someone in (I’ve heard multiple times that I have “intimacy issues”)..

So what’s the balance one should go for? How to let a guy “win you” (in the early stages) and motivate him to be a better boyfriend (later stages), without being too high maintenance OR coming off as insecure? How do healthy boundaries should look like without being too judgmental/picky AND without seeming as low worth?

 

I keep getting this feeling that guys fall hard for me but after some time they choose not have me in their lives, they respect me and “always have my back” and keep telling me how much i deserve, but then again- if Im thaaaat awesome- why dont they want to be with me and be inspired to be better versions of themselves?

I’m just missing this filter- either i misinterpret things as really and and red flags and are ready to take the next exit OR I keep being in a relationship for waaaay too long and tolerating things that I shouldnt…

 

Any advice is appreciated !!!

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It's best not to smother or be obsequious with this praising routine. It would make me queasy like a kindergarten teacher giving me shiny stars. It's manipulative as well, it's not dog-training school. With the right guy and a secure guy that would fall into place.

 

You don't "motive him to be a better bf" that's controlling and silly. Either he's a good bf or not. When dating you should be in observation mode, not fixing and manipulating.

 

Pace yourself and try not to jump ahead of yourself so much. Be yourself. It's not your job to "inspire" anyone. That was rubbish this last guy told you so erase that.

 

You are never in 100% control of a dating situation, it takes two. They are probably running because of the fixing, excess flattery, smothering, etc. Make sure your life is full and well rounded and interesting. Do not laser focus like this on turning guys into your 'perfect bf'.

they emphasize the importance of letting your man know that he’s wonderful, amazing, thanking him for small things etc.. motivate him to be a better boyfriend. I keep getting this feeling that guys fall hard for me but after some time they choose not have me in their lives
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When dating you should be in observation mode, not fixing and manipulating.

 

Thank you Wiseman! Really good advice.

I couldn't agree more..maybe I am trying to fix them a little..that's really sad to realize, but good for future improvement. I'm just so afraid to either over do it OR not do it enough. The ex was a music producer who was mega critical towards himself (again, should have noticed his insecurities)..so sometimes he would just ask just to be supportive and be on his side, while other times he would say that "oh, you should like my music, but it shouldn't be your "favorite song"- and I was always just being honest with what i think, both when genuinely liked it and when not. So it left me confused, therefore, the boundaries got forgotten... jeez.

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