Advice on separation after 5+ years of marriage

[gingerdutchboy]

Hi all!

 

My first post here! I'm looking for any further advice people may have. I've followed the 'Getting Back Together' for a while now to try and keep my spirits up so thought I'd post looking for any firther ideas/advice/tips!

 

My wife (5 years married, 12 years together, no kids) left me in early January, however I knew it was coming about a month before. She was away on tour with a theatre company and appeared to have had an epiphany whilst she was away. Maybe some emotional affair with some other guy in there but nothing physical.

Anyway, to cut a long story short (and after a particularly messy and devastating break up and her moving out) I have agreed (after much soul searching) that she was right to have done something about our marriage. It has certainly not been in a good place for a couple of years now and I've been in total denial. We did not address our issues at all and I am the classic 'nice guy' who has sought his happiness through the pleasing of others, especially my wife.

When she moved out, I did everything wrong. Pleading, begging, all the usual. I've stopped that now.

 

I have engaged with a significant period of counselling, and read self-help books and forums no end since she moved out. I am now becoming more comfortable with myself, looking after myself and improving myself. All for me, not for her. I have intiated a period of No Contact for the last three weeks. Yesterday she texted me to ask if she could come and collect a few more of her things, which I agreed to. When we talked today, I made it clear to her that despite all the poor behaviour in the break up and my own self reflection on our marriage and how it needed fixing, I still feel the same way that I always did about her- that I love her. I said that there was about 75% of our marriage which was great and 25% which wasn't but could be fixed.

I told her the ball was in her court if she wants to attend Marriage Counselling and try to make it work. She said at the moment she wants us to be friends, in fact better than friends, but not being like a married couple. To me that suggests she wants to keep the 75% good parts and not sleep with me. Either way I said I didn't understand how that relationship looks or could work. She said that she didn't know either. She also revealed that she thinks about me every day and clearly is missing me but has not 'felt sad' about us breaking up because she's not had time to. I've resolved to go No Contact again as it's not going to change in it's current form.

 

Just wondering if anyone thinks I should be doing anything else? I'm healing myself through the usual methods- counselling, NC, reading, making myself centre of my universe, losing weight.

I'm not naive enough to think that she will eventually come back and I've only done everything to make myself a better person. I am moving on, with or without her.

 

I really want her to reconsider and work a way out to come back. We are the greatest of friends and I find nothing better to build a marriage on. I want to save my marriage and I am fully committed to doing so until she files for divorce (which she has not said she will do yet).

 

Any advice or even some reconciliation stories would be fab. Just finding another avenue to explore my own feelings and chat with some random strangers who have been through this kind of thing before!

 

Thanks ever so much in advance

[Wiseman2]

Wow, sorry to hear this. Is she seeing someone?

[gingerdutchboy]

I don't think so as she had agreed to tell me if she was. There was certainly a guy she was interested in whilst she was away. This has been a fairly regular occurence- we've been together since we were 19 and I can understand fancying other people (having done it myself) and feeling connections to others (having felt it myself).

 

Her main reason for leaving was that she wanted more independence. I think I was guilty of smothering her a little and I always put her needs before my own. I'm giving her that space and time and I'm using it to better myself too! I'm already 10x the person I was three months ago. I really hope we get a chance to make it work as we are excellent together- something she acknowledges.

 

Cheers Wiseman2 for replying to a newbie!

[Wiseman2]

Excellent. Just keep doing that.

I'm giving her that space and time and I'm using it to better myself too! I'm already 10x the person I was three months ago. I really hope we get a chance to make it work as we are excellent together- something she acknowledges.