Do I still have a chance of reconciliation with my ex?

[gmataisysb]

Please take the time to read this.

 

Me and my ex boyfriend are each other's first loves. We started off as close friends and connected so strongly that we fell in love. I messed up at first because I was 17 at the time and exploring my sexuality so one drunk night, his close friend approached me and I hooked up with him. It wasn't sex but it was other sexual things, but anyways this really hurt my ex. We liked each other at the time (this is when we're close friends) but I honestly had no idea if I was sure he even liked me, as he is a very reserved and shy person. The whole time I would think he flirts with me because we get along so well but from my past experiences, I strongly decided to not get my hopes up. Hence, me not caring if I hooked up with his close friend.

 

This hurt him sooo deeply, by the way he's one year older than me and I'm 19 now. But it was only until after he confessed his feelings to me (a month after I hooked up with his friend) did I realize he even had strong feelings for me and that he was extremely hurt. I regret it soo much because I now know what it feels like to be cheated on (will further explain) so I understand what I did and I wish I wasn't so young & stupid and took him seriously from the start. I'm still young but whatever, I know much more know than when I was 17.

 

When he confessed his feelings for me, we became exclusive. I did deeply apologize for what I did with his friend, letting him know I was unaware of his feelings and I was also drunk. 2 months later, he admitted to me that he very recently met a girl and when he told me, I didn't really care. I simply let him know that if he's talking to someone else, I can't be talking to him too because it's just wrong to talk to 2 girls at once. I feel like I didn't get jealous because I wasn't in love with him yet. Anyways, he stopped talking to we and later admitted that one of our mutual friends connected him with the new girl so that he can get over me, as he believed me and him wouldn't work out because I broke his trust hooking up with his friend. I again apologized for my mistake, I feel like he truly does forgive me but is just so hurt by what I did because I shocked him.

 

So at this point in our relationship, he really really likes me, I can just tell. But he doesn't want his feelings to grow because he's scared I'll be unloyal. Even though I express my love to him really well, he is still just scared. I understand.

 

We continue to talk because he tells me he dropped this new girl, everything is going great for a few months. But once I realized that he's not letting his feelings grow, I became more aware of what our relationship even is. I was wondering why he doesn't reciprocate affection the way I do, or goes cold randomly, or hangs out with his friends when we had plans.. This turns into arguments and overtime we'd just have so many arguments so often that it pushed both of us away. So at this point, were still talking and loving each other, but we both think that we shouldn't be together. I didn't wanna be with him anymore because of his decrease in affection and his cold habits and he didn't want to be with me anymore because he didn't fully trust me. After all, what is a relationship without trust? However, we continued growing our bond because I really did not want to lose him and he didn't want to lose me. We connect sooo well, our personalities go so well together.

 

So our main problem became that every time we would fight, he would go BACK to that girl and talk to her because he wanted someone to help him be distracted from the pain of our argument. When we would be good again, he would not talk to her and always talk to me. This continued on for months and months, this back & forth pattern. She even knew about me, but I guess she didn't care. Eventually my ex grew feelings for this girl, either because she was the rebound or because they're more compatible? He would constantly tell me and our friends (we share the same friend circle) that the other girl is so boring and that most of the time it's him entertaining her. So I would always wonder, WHY does he have feelings for her then. (Now I know it's because she started off as his rebound). But this constant wonder turned into insecurities and jealously. I became so jealous because after he confessed his love to me I was super committed to him and in a good way so I was just extremely hurt and confused that he was doing this to me. This is how our arguments increased and increased.

 

So we got together exactly 2 years ago in this month. And exactly 1 year ago in this month we broke up. Let me tell you how: Our relationship was perfect for like the first 3 months and then he would go back to this girl as our fights increased. The more our fights became frequent, the more he'd be talking to her. It's so obvious to me at this point she's the rebound. But after the rest of the 9 months of begging him to be loyal and affectionate, one day he finally decided to completely drop her. Guess what. He cracked in two weeks. We were so good for two weeks, no arguments no talking about the other girl but I realized something was off. He didn't seem passionate towards me like before, it's as if I tied him down and he felt like he had no choice. So I confronted him about it and he admitted that he's not happy with me and that he likes her. So this is when we broke up.

 

I wish I knew better a year ago like I do now. After our break up, we didn't talk for a month, even though I'd run into him sometimes because we share the same friend group. But we wouldn't talk when we saw each other. After that month, Id text him once a week or he'd text me once a week. This went on and on and on from late april - early september. Once a week every time. He texted me on the other girls BIRTHDAY about how he loves me and is going to be so jealous of my next boyfriend but will be so happy to see me be happy and how he doesn't know what he wants. It baffles me that he said this on her birthday, becoming clear to me that he wasn't exactly happy with her. My intention was to stop talking to him forever after our break up but I was very attached so I'd crack and message him once a week. I wish i stayed with NO CONTACT because he might have realized I'm the one for him.

 

As of right now, we are in NC. The thing is though, I broke this a couple times after September. Once to wish him happy birthday, and another in January when I was in my feelings and called him. During our no contact after september, we both saw each other at our mutual friends party in November and he was so drunk. Like i mentioned, he's shy and reserved, so he asked our mutual friend to bring me upstairs (I was downstairs) so that he can see me/have a chance to converse with me. I didn't listen, I did consider it so i went upstairs a whole hour later and he's sleeping lol. He was just so drunk.

 

That was in november. He didn't wish me happy birthday in december, later I found out why. When i called him in January, he picked up without knowing it was me (he has my number blocked so i called on private) and asked me to hang out after a couple of minutes of talking. Stupidly I went but I'm glad it did because it gave me much insight. When I was hanging out with him, there was sooo much spark between the two of us, so much connection. I had almost forgotten how strong we connect. He looked very happy to see me and there were times where we'd just stare at each other in our eyes and not talk for a minute and just smile. You know when you connect with someone so well that you can understand what they're saying by just looking at them? Nonverbal communication. It was so strong and I just felt so happy that I had a chance to feel our sparks again. I took advantage of this and asked him to be kind again, which he immediately rejected and became upset I even asked. This gave me an insight: I was so pushy, obsessive, and smothering in affection in our past that me asking him to be mine so quickly turned him off. We discussed our issues and he told me he doesn't wanna be with me because he's with the other girl and that she's done a lot for him and that he can never say no to her and they always get along and she's laid back.

 

So then why would he ask me to meet up and even take me back to his house? (We only cuddled, no sex). In the morning when it was time for me to go home, we talked our issues out even further and I told him I still love him and miss him like crazy. He told me his biggest regret is that he wishes he took the chance of having me from the start instead of distracting himself with the new girl. I let him know I would still give him a chance, but he refused to take it because of how much he's hurt me by making me insecure and depressed from getting a new girlfriend.

 

I just don't understand why at the party he told our friend he wants me upstairs and why he asked me to hang out when I contacted him?? If he's really into his new girl and picks her, why would he still carry our sparks? Wouldn't he be loyal to her knowing that I still love him so making him stay away from me further to prevent cheating? Yes, he cheated on me and I helped him cheat on his new girl (unintentionally, I just still have feelings) and also tells me he cheated on her with other girls too. This just shows me he's not happy with her if I'm not the only girl who he hooked up with during his new relationship.

 

Jump forward to Now, my ex is still with her and I hear all the time from our friends that he's actually happy with her now. That they text all the time, are going to start working together, go on so many dates and stuff. He's basically giving her all of the affection that I kept begging him to show me.

 

Obviously they're in their "honeymoon phase". It can also be that he's distracting himself from his love for me, he would randomly contact me before our NC phase that he still loves me and misses me and regrets ever hurting me and how he wishes he was better to me. He thinks it's "too late" to get me back even tho I informed him he still has a chance.

 

I understand that he thinks I'm too clingy and also still deeply hurt, so he wants to give me space to reconnect with myself. That makes sense, but if you still love me how can you be with this new girl, giving her everything that you didn't give me? How can you claim we're over but still bring me to your house? (like i said, we didn't have sex that night and I really didn't give him any expectations of it). I also forgot to mention that I ran into him last month because of our mutual friends and the look I got from him was crazy. We had intense eye contact for 3 seconds and I pulled away because it was overwhelming. The insight I got from his stare was that he still thinks about me, cares about me, misses me, and regrets. So then how can he be with this new girl !!

 

Guys are so stupid. I straight up told him he has a chance but I honestly think he feels he doesn't deserve it. I was so good to him in our relationship while he was cold and distant despite his strong love for me. He is always super nice and soft with me, even when we would have arguments he would never yell or disrespect me even if I were to him.

 

I've said some nasty insults to him and this probably pushed him away further, I said them because I was deeply hurt during our relationship.

 

My final question is: I'm aware he wants to give me space so that I can stop being so clingy and crazy towards him, NC is the best way to improve and change myself. Will this NC bring him back despite that he's with his new girlfriend? Will his honeymoon phase end? Will he realize that the only reason I acted crazy was because he was being unloyal for the wrong reasons? If she's so "boring" why would he be with her, is she just the rebound or does he truly like her? Ugh. I wish I stayed NC immediately after our break up instead of dragging it. I haven't contacted him since January, despite running into him once after that. I feel as if he still loves me deeply and cares but just wants to explore his options.. we're still young. I don't know. I'm hoping he will realize that our connection is so genuine and not worth giving up, that he'll come back to me once he sees I'm not clingy anymore and that I'm over the pain and changed. I'm hoping he hasn't completely lost hope yet and I'm hoping his new relationship will let him realize this, and I'm hoping I'm the one for him, not her.

 

Thank you SOOOO much for helping me and especially if you read this entire thing

I'm so sorry that it's super long but any advice will give me clarity

[LightWave93]

Guys are so stupid.

 

This is coming from the person who's given attention to a guy who clearly does not care for you as you do him. If you're going to make generic statements like this, at least make sure they're well-founded.

 

I'm aware he wants to give me space so that I can stop being so clingy and crazy towards him, NC is the best way to improve and change myself. Will this NC bring him back despite that he's with his new girlfriend?

 

You need to cease contact with him IMMEDIATELY as it'll only worsen the situation. He has a girlfriend. Leave him alone. Also, no contact is NOT for getting back with your ex, and no contact does not mean he'll come back to you. Sometimes it happens, sometimes not. Unfortunately life isn't a fairy tale.

 

Will his honeymoon phase end?

 

More than likely, but the result of that may not be what you expect. The honeymoon period ends for the vast majority of people, but that doesn't necessarily mean they'll break up.

 

Will he realize that the only reason I acted crazy was because he was being unloyal for the wrong reasons?

 

The better of hindsight is that, hopefully, you'll both realize you both did the wrong things and understand it was when emotions were high. We all do it, most learn from it. Learn.

 

If she's so "boring" why would he be with her, is she just the rebound or does he truly like her?

 

It doesn't matter what he thinks of her.

 

I feel as if he still loves me deeply and cares but just wants to explore his options.. we're still young. I don't know. I'm hoping he will realize that our connection is so genuine and not worth giving up, that he'll come back to me once he sees I'm not clingy anymore and that I'm over the pain and changed. I'm hoping he hasn't completely lost hope yet and I'm hoping his new relationship will let him realize this, and I'm hoping I'm the one for him, not her.

 

Drop it. Nothing good will come from this. Go no contact, cut him COMPLETELY out of your life and move on. You'll find someone new and better eventually, but first you need to go through the motions of healing.

[exclusiveX]

I say definitely no contact at all. Give yourself time to grieve let him go for now

[MissCanuck]

Girl. Listen carefully to a woman nearly twice your age who was once a 19-year-old with similar boy problems:

 

If a boy has trouble letting go of another girl, even at the expense of his current relationship, then he doesn't truly like either girl. He likes the attention from them both, but doesn't have deep feelings for either one.

 

If you need to convince a boy to be loyal to you, then you're wasting your time on a guy who just isn't that into you. A boy who really likes you isn't going to need to be convinced to focus on you on not continue running to some other girl. He'll be loyal because he wants to be. That hasn't been the case with this boy.

 

Walk away from this one. There will be others; you're still very young and have much more promising prospects if you let go of this one. It's a dud.

[gmataisysb]

thanks so much everyone