Not having Friends and not sure if I should Have them?

[Starshine]

Hi there I have a question regarding friendship and making friends.

 

The thing is I've been an introvert most of my school life and haven't exactly been good at making friends. My father basically has been too controlling of whom I befriend and not and has always told me not to make friends/ not to tell them your secrets. Which has led me to not trusting people in the friend zone much...

I had tried to make friends but I have had a few bad experiences (selfish-friends kind of). And that bad experience further led me into not trusting people...

My problem is that One:

I don't know how to make friends?

Two:

When I do, they only want to be friends with me for my knowledge, homework.. etc. (I am smart) but I hate people using me for work alone and after their motif is complete they do not wish to keep in touch...

( I have also grown up to be on the charming side of things, (So girls either grow jealous, or just befriend me for work... and guys they want to be friends hoping to be more than that...)

During the years of being disappointed in the department. I have realized that it's of no use. I have established myself as an independent person and do not need any friends. But once in a while I feel sad... Like when I really do need someone of my own age to talk to...

 

I feel like I am the one lacking here, like I'm missing having that part of life... Maybe it's something I did wrong, maybe I lack the skills

 

Where I come from there is a saying that "Instead of having a selfish friend, it's better to have none at all" I guess I'm following that

 

I don't know why... but sometimes I feel unsure about this all?

 

Any ideas?

[Boughtandpaidfor]

I don't know about you but I have found my trust issues are the main thing.

 

What I recently have been looking at with trust is that I often think very black and white. Like I have to completely trust someone or completely not trust them. They are either in or out with me. This is what I thought a friend was.

 

But I think there is a healthier way: it's not normal to completely trust someone straight away. And sometimes you will completely trust someone to talk about your problems, but you would never in a million years leave your house key with them, because you know they'd lose it or something.

 

Perhaps relaxing a little about it, and softening my idea of trust will help a little. I can trust someone to have a conversation with at break. I can trust someone else if I need car advice. Maybe after a few conversations about cars we'll end up talking about something else. Maybe the conversation will turn to emotions, and that person will back off. The friendships's not over, just I know that this is my car friend.

 

And perhaps what you feel you are lacking at the moment is what we are all searching for on this forum! Someone to call when we need a shoulder to cry on. But I wouldn't come on here asking for car advice, I have a different friends (errrr..... ok a different forum) for that.

 

Another point is that introverts don't necessarily want that many friends, but society is telling us we ought to have them. So there's that too. Being an introvert isn't a bad thing, it's a personality type that gets a bad rep.

 

I hope this helps- writing it for myself as much as for you.

[Wiseman2]

The problem is your father controlling your friends and you confiding too much to your parents about friends falling out, etc. Agree you need people your own age to talk to and some relief from your helicopter parents.

 

It's Normal to have study groups and it's Normal for guys to want to date you rather than just be friends. It's normal to have acquaintances from groups, clubs, sports, school, work and volunteering. Hopefully you are doing many of those things.

 

What's not normal is your parents picking your friends and you thinking you are so charming that everyone is jealous. That vibe in itself will turn people off. So is this paranoia that everyone is "using you" for your charm and brilliance or that "guys just want one thing".

 

Get down to earth, just be friendly and realize not everyone will become a best friend. Ask your parents to take you to therapy to help address many of these distortions, myths and assist you with empathy and social skills.

My father basically has been too controlling of whom I befriend. So girls either grow jealous, or just befriend me for work... and guys they want to be friends hoping to be more than that. I really do need someone of my own age to talk to

[catfeeder]

Consider befriending someone who seems lonelier than you. While it's difficult to form friendships with people who already have a lot of friends, you may find it easier to be kind to people who either don't have friends, or who are kind and have kind friends.

 

I'd also consider seeing the school counselor to help you navigate the social aspects of school and to improve your social judgment and skills. While it was reasonable for Dad to want you to avoid being taken advantage of, you're smart and capable of learning skills beyond those he's able to teach you.

 

I'd also pursue interests outside of school and find groups around those interests. I don't mean cyber groups that only keep their members isolated with 'pseudo' friends online, but rather a group that meets socially to learn or engage a common interest or cause. From there you can form friendships around a common focus, and this will bolster you during lonelier times at school. This can help you build the skills to identify people who might be good friendship material inside of school.

 

I'd also consider befriending an adult, such as an elderly neighbor or someone who leads or participates in a local group, because this person can serve as a mentor to help you socially and in school. Older people have been through this stuff, and they can provide input beyond the provinciality of your own family. Research local volunteer groups to find a volunteer mentor if you aren't able to meet someone through an interest group--or ask your school counselor to refer you to such a group or mentor.

 

Nobody will step up to help you without your permission--you need to ask for the help, and you'll find that people can be generous and enthusiastic about aiding you.

 

Head high, and no, don't isolate. Push yourself beyond the limits you were raised with, because that's the job of all of us to learn how to do.

[johnnydanger]

I'll be your friend! PM me your email.