What to do now?

[Lola1321]

I am at a loss here as to how to move forward. I haven't been able to speak with anyone about my feelings because of the sensitive nature of the matter. A few weeks ago I was traveling on a trip for work and my sister lives in the town I was traveling to. She is still close with my ex from college (7 years ago) and they talk often. She had an event where she was performing and he came to watch her (he is sort of like a big brother to her). We dated for almost four years and I left to move back home and completely ghosted him. He was in love with me and I broke his heart. I moved back home and met the man who would become my husband a year or so later. I never realized that I had not dealt with the feelings of guilt from breaking his heart and never got closure until I came face to face with him that week. I hadn't planned on seeing him as it was a last minute decision for him to come up and watch her and I was not prepared to have the feelings I did when I saw him. I never apoligized for breaking his heart and started thinking I should at least say something to him when he came to town. The last night of my trip I asked my sister if I could have his number so I could text him and see if he wanted to meet for a drink (looking back it was so stupid). I texted him and found we were at the same hotel and we met for a drink at the bar. I am a social drinker and rarely drink other than a few glasses of wine here and there. When I saw him, all of my old feelings came rushing back. I felt guilt, sick to my stomach and I also had feelings I didn't know I still had. He looked great and so confident (he was very insecure when we dated). I was like a twitterpated little girl and the nerves set in almost immediatly. I hadn't eaten much that day and drank my first glass of wine very fast and that progressed to finishing off wayyy too much. I remember leaving the bar and getting back to a room and that's it. Apparently, (this is what he tells me) I cried and told him I was sorry (several times), re-hashed our relationship, said I was just "content" with my life (not happy) and by the end of the night I was trying to get him in bed. I woke fully clothed and still a little drunk on one of the queen beds in his room. I got up and left without saying anything to him and returned to my room. The event took place that next afternoon and I saw him there. He told me about the night before and I was mortified. Not only for the things I said and how I acted, but I am married to a wonderful man and I can't bear the thought of ever hurting him. My ex swears nothing happened, but I don't remember and it is killing me. The whole trip home I was a ball of guilt and self-hatred. I told my husband everything when I got home and all he asked was "did anything happen?" And I told him I don't remember, but he says it didn't. My husband seems okay, but I am still a mess. I have never had something like this take place and we have been married for 5 years. I am also struggling with the idea that I may still have unresolved feelings for my ex. I keep going over in my mind the reasons I cut it off like I did 7 years ago, but it has been eating away at me. My ex texted me for about a week and then suddenly stopped and now I am left with a rollercoaster of emotions and guilt. I feel like cutting off all contact with him and telling my sister I do not want to have him in my life are the only options. I just can't believe I would do something like this, but I also could say that about what I did to him 7 years ago. I just don't know where to go from here. So lost and I hate myself.

[gebaird]

Don't hate yourself! It's natural to feel a bit twitterpated around someone you were one so close to. Sometimes feelings we thought were gone instantly return in situations like that. My guess is that if you somehow ended up back in a relationship with him, it would be wonderful at first and then the excitement would fade. In the end, it might go the same way it did before. People change over the years, but not materially. Old incompatibilities could still surface.

 

Tell yourself nothing happened (it sounds to me like he was a gentleman) and cut off contact. There's a part of you that will remain confused and curious about the past and about that awful drunken night, but you can put it back in a box and focus on your marriage. It sounds like you are married to a pretty amazing guy.

 

Also, forgive yourself for ghosting your ex. What's done is done. Leave it in the past and be grateful you've grown and matured since then.

[newtothegame98]

It sounds like you definitely still have unresolved feelings. I'm not sure this is fair to your husband, either. I'm surprised he's relatively okay. I think you know the answer to your own question

 

Hope you can figure it out. All the best

[Clio]

You ghosted a 4 year relationship? And you tried to cheat on your husband yet you say that you are happy in your marriage? You sound seriously out of touch with your feelings. And as a result you treat people appallingly. You are very lucky that these men seem to put up with your crap. Given that you almost wrecked your marriage and you say that you don't even know why, you may want to consider therapy to explore why you behave so recklessly with mens hearts. I am amazed at your ex and your husband putting up with such crap.