Boyfriend's cheating past creeping up

[Trainonexpress]

I'll make this succinct as possible.

 

Our relationship hasn't been an easy one because of family conflicts but I have never mentioned about his premiscuous, cheating past because it makes me upset talk about it. It's like a punch in the gut for me. I was able to accept his past and still love him for who he was, but it lead to many arguments because of how his past came up during our relationship.

 

When we started becoming something, he admitted that he cheated on his ex girlfriend with two of his long term female friends Angel and Cynthia. He knew them since high school and he had crush on both of them at one point and we're close to him. They pretty much had a FWB-like relationship, having sexual interactions.

 

They are the type of women who really don't respect other people's relationship, hence why they had no issues cheating. Even he knows this and told me they're not trustworthy "friends".

 

Even when he came to US from his home country, while being in a LD relationship with his GF, he used to sext, exchange nudes, and use skype, etc etc You get the drill.

 

This continued even when he met me, but we started getting close to each other and eventually he asked me out.

 

Of course, it wasn't easy for me to hear that... I was pretty horrified, as he showed me his phone. I've never cheated or went out with anybody who did, but I thought he was really remorse for what he'd done and he wanted to change.

 

Nevertheless, I saw a lot of positive quality from him and I liked him very much.I was really thankful for his honesty, which made me want to respect him. I gave him a chance and we started going out almost two years ago. After I said yes, he told those two friends that they stop the sexual interaction because he said he promised me he will not do it anymore. He told me our relationship is important to him and he has no intention of cheating on me like he did in the past.

 

Besides the family issues and his past creeping up, our relationship is great. We are best friends and we really love each other. He's the one I care about the most and I am thankful that we are there for each other.

 

I accepted his past and stopped thinking about in the relationship, but it got difficult because he still contacted those two women.

 

I knew they stopped their sexual actions but they were still talking to each other. I'm sure it would bother anybody, especially knowing they aren't trustworthy.

 

This was confirmed when Angel sent him another nude photo of herself, even knowing that I was with him. He immediately told her to not do that. Angel was angry and she was the one to unfriend him on Facebook herself.

 

This affected my intimacy with him because every time when this issues occurred, I felt as if I was punched in the gut. I kept imagining them together and sometimes our intimacy suffered as a result.. but over time, I was able to separate that because I started to trust him and I really loved him.

 

He still kept in contact with Cynthia, which concerned me because he specifically told me she wasn't a trustworthy person.. Several months ago, I sat down and we communicated about this, why it bothered me and hurt me. He understood where I was coming from and made a new facebook without adding them.

 

Couple of months ago, Angel contacted my boyfriend to his new facebook. When this happened, he told me about it just as he promised and didn't contact her back but blocked her. This made me trust him more and respect that he kept his promise. I thought I was able to trust him and I thanked him again for being truthful.

 

Fast forward to the present, my boyfriend hasn't been acting well lately. We see each other once a week because we are so busy with working and going to school at the same time.

Lasr Sunday, when I visited him he was acting pretty distant, as if something happened...

 

When he was at the bathroom, i heard a notification sound on his computer. It was a email notification from Cynthia. They have been talking on Messenger and he never told me..

 

I asked him if there was something he wanted to talk about, and that was when he admitted he started talking to her again after she messaged him and he looked guilty. He said he was planning to tell me and he did feel guilty while talking to her, but justified himself that it was simply just catching up and nothing else.

He deleted her messages and Messenger app from his phone while in the bathroom, so I don't read it..

He claims he deleted Messenger because he was afraid I was going to find out unexpectedly ( well, I found out unexpectedly either way). He wanted to tell me on his own terms because I react really badly about it and he is afraid.

 

I was hurt by this because he promised me. We started to fight about this. What hurt me more was I found out that he has contacted her back in November, hence why the Facebook said he had added her in November..

I was so hurt that he kept this from me and when I asked him why does it say he added her on November 2016. He kept telling me that he doesn't know.

 

As i kept asking him to just fess up, he finally said "Maybe I did talk to her when she messaged me to add her...."

 

He kept lying to me during our conversation, making contradiction and I caught him. He apologized for lying to me right after I kept confronting him, saying he is just afraid things will get worse and that he will lose me.

 

He said "What is the big deal. I was only catching up to her. We talk like normal people and I didn't cheat on you!"

 

I brought up that he knows himself that she isn't a trustworthy person and would ruin other people's relationship for the fun of it, which he told me himself.

I asked him why did he break his promise of not interacting with them anymore, and his response was that he never promised to stop talking to Cynthia, but only Angel because she sent a nude to him after we got together but Cynthia didnt.

 

This just baffled me. I was so hurt that he said this. I remember it so clearly in our conversation back then but he claims he doesnt remember making that part of the promise.

 

He is a really sweet guy and takes me very seriously. He has been taking care of me when I was in crisis and emotionally supported me. We are compatible that way. There is no doubt he loves me.

 

But what happened on Sunday really damaged my trust towards him. Although I had trust issues due to my past scars, I still decided to trust him. Now, I don't know if I can trust him anymore or if I should. He apologized repeatedly and asked me for a second chance during our fight.

 

I know he really doesn't want to lose me so after we fought, that was when he finally blocked Cynthia and stopped talking to her.

 

I love him so deeply and he means so much to me. I know he loves me too and cares for me but I don't find him trustworthy. Especially how now I realized he would lie just so I stay with him..

 

It's been extremely difficult for me because so much happened ever since November. I ran away from my physically and emotionally abusive parents, been homeless, and I've been diagnosed with cPTSD from the repeated abuses and traumas...

 

So this situation is really hurting me to the core. I stopped eating and my heart physically hurts. He was the only one I trusted.. I react even worse from terrors and flashbacks and I cant stop thinking about my boyfriend and Cynthia.

 

We both agreed to stop talking to each other for few days to really think and self reflect on this. In two days we are going to see each other again. I'm not sure if this is a deal breaker.. should I stay or leave.. I'm so tired of his past affecting us like this.

Please give me some advice here. Give me some insights and different perspective.

I feel so tired from this..

[rosephase]

It sounds like you are recovering from a lot. Maybe now isn't the right time to focus on a relationship and instead focus on dealing with your own past and stress. Do you have a therapist you are working with? You've been diagnosed with cPTSD what therapies are you working with?

[indea08]

A partner is supposed to add value to your life. They're supposed to make the hard times easier and the good times even better. Your last sentence says "I feel so tired from this." Why would you choose a tired life? Why would you choose anything but great?

[Trainonexpress]

It sounds like you are recovering from a lot. Maybe now isn't the right time to focus on a relationship and instead focus on dealing with your own past and stress. Do you have a therapist you are working with? You've been diagnosed with cPTSD what therapies are you working with?

I do. I am receiving Cognitive Behavioral therapy through a non profit organization since I cannot afford it. It's really difficult to deal with my family issues and scars, plus dealing with relationship issues like this. Im constantly debating whether to stay or not. I'd be devastated to break up with him because he's the only one I have, but part of me wonders if I'll suffer again with this same issue in the future and how will the trust be restored again.

[Billie28]

You said he takes you "very seriously"

But he doesn't!

 

He has ALLOWED contact from both Angel and Cynthia.

He didn't tell you about them out of pure honesty, he told you because he is attention seeking.

Even when he blocks them, there is another avenue for contact. When he created his new fb page, why didn't he block them before their contact? You know why? He didn't want to. It's probably more exciting to him knowing they have tracked him down, although since they likely have mutual friends it wouldn't have been that hard and he knew that!

 

Sorry but he doesn't love you. He tells you he does but he doesn't. You are worth less to him than these trashy girls. He knows they are trash but he loves it. And loves you less.

 

You deserve better! Please leave him!

[SherrySher]

From what you wrote, no wonder you're tired. You sound like his Mother constantly having to chase him down and watch what he's doing and make sure he stays in line.I am tired just reading it! He is acting like a horny teenager that has zero respect and will never act properly.

He knows the difference between being a grown man who has moved on from the past and will now be a respectful boyfriend, or a man child who enjoys running behind your back and doing these things and lying etc,.

 

These women have no respect for you and your boyfriend is not doing the right thing and putting them in their place and stopping this. He should be telling them that this is his relationship and they need to respect it and you. But he's not, he is carrying on with them and being just as big of a jerk as they are.

I personally would be done with this nonsense.

 

He needs to grow up and it doesn't sound like he is going to anytime soon. No woman should be forced into being a jail warden just to make sure she's not being messed with again. That's not a relationship, that's pure torture.

A relationship needs mutual respect and each partner taking care of each others feelings and to be faithful, your relationship only has those components on your end.

You need to end this and to find a man, not a little boy. He's not going to change and you will continue on having to constantly watch him, who needs that!?

You can find better.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this happened to you.. What he claims is 'honesty' is more like a tattoo on his forehead that says 'player'.

 

 

]

[Trainonexpress]

From what you wrote, no wonder you're tired. You sound like his Mother constantly having to chase him down and watch what he's doing and make sure he stays in line.I am tired just reading it! He is acting like a horny teenager that has zero respect and will never act properly.

He knows the difference between being a grown man who has moved on from the past and will now be a respectful boyfriend, or a man child who enjoys running behind your back and doing these things and lying etc,.

 

These women have no respect for you and your boyfriend is not doing the right thing and putting them in their place and stopping this. He should be telling them that this is his relationship and they need to respect it and you. But he's not, he is carrying on with them and being just as big of a jerk as they are.

I personally would be done with this nonsense.

 

He needs to grow up and it doesn't sound like he is going to anytime soon. No woman should be forced into being a jail warden just to make sure she's not being messed with again. That's not a relationship, that's pure torture.

A relationship needs mutual respect and each partner taking care of each others feelings and to be faithful, your relationship only has those components on your end.

You need to end this and to find a man, not a little boy. He's not going to change and you will continue on having to constantly watch him, who needs that!?

You can find better.

I am so hurt.. to be fair, he did ask "Angel" to stop when she sent again but it was her who voluntarily blocked him herself out of anger. Then when she contacted him, he ignored her.. Im just wondering, why let the other one talk to him..

I thought he left his past behind.. I thought he really did. But to me, it seems like he can't...

I feel like I have to "correct" him of these things because he doesnt see these things as issue.

He was actually angry with me that he would make this a deal breaker, after all he has been doing for me and what we built.

He really did treat me well though, besides these really heartbreaking situation. Ever since I ran away home, he was there for me supporting me in every way.. I have no doubt he does care about me, but when things like these happen...

I'm wondering why can't he just cut clean with those threatening women... I think he just can't let go of his past cleanly.

 

 

I have to talk to him tomorrow. Wish me luck. I don't know how it will turn out. I'm really afraid and hurt.

[Trainonexpress]

I am so hurt.. to be fair, he did ask "Angel" to stop when she sent again but it was her who voluntarily blocked him herself out of anger. Then when she contacted him, he ignored her.. Im just wondering, why let the other one talk to him..

I thought he left his past behind.. I thought he really did. But to me, it seems like he can't...

I feel like I have to "correct" him of these things because he doesnt see these things as issue.

He was actually angry with me that he would make this a deal breaker, after all he has been doing for me and what we built.

He really did treat me well though, besides these really heartbreaking situation. Ever since I ran away home, he was there for me supporting me in every way.. I have no doubt he does care about me, but when things like these happen...

I'm wondering why can't he just cut clean with those threatening women... I think he just can't let go of his past cleanly.

 

 

I have to talk to him tomorrow. Wish me luck. I don't know how it will turn out. I'm really afraid and hurt.

And he told Cynthia how much in love he is with me. I dont know if that makes any difference... I am afraid to lose my only support and best friend, honestly. We went through so much together and supported each other and he doesn't hide that he is taken and I am his girlfriend. His family loves me and he is sure of marrying me. So many times he put his own tiredness behind to be my support. In other words, he treats me well overall..

 

But this... What do I make of this..

[catfeeder]

I have never mentioned about his premiscuous, cheating past because it makes me upset talk about it.

 

Then why settle for it?